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Been wanting to update ... but as I have shared its really tough now at work as the "Internet Crackdown 2015" took place ... thankfully while I was on vacation .. nevertheless I read a bit on the phone but post seldom.

A few things have happened over the past week or so. As I said .. after the vaca it felt like W was crawling into the tunnel and then jumping back out some. Reading (as I am sure you all have too) as much as I could over the past few years .. here and elsewhere .. so many things are spot on. Lately the issue with the LBS accepting the person the MLCr has now become, watching her figure out who she is, getting comfortable in her new skin ... is very apparent. I do not mention this to her, just observe and notice little things. She has brought up a few times concerns about her feeling that "I don't make you happy, I'm not sure if I can make you happy" as I consistently assure her that 'it's not her job to make me happy, no one should have to carry that kind of pressure in a marriage' .... This coming from her comments about how I don't smile as often as I used to... Seems to me she is still dealing with damage done, it's not that I don't smile, but I'd be lying if I said things aren't a bit different ... All that innocence and trust was lost just after BD... Not that I am focused on it 24/7 but nor am I wearing the fake smiley mask either, something I think that just will fade with time
The past couple weekends she has been a bit distant, I let her be, she does her own thing and I just accept this is her continuing to process things, has little/nothing to do with me ... I take those times and GAL, do something with S .. just remain on my path and she will come back a bit ... touch base if you will.

Last week, she was PMSing .... it was a bit more emotional then usual ... turns out that she had a little help here. She has been a bit more secretive with the phone, the urge to snoop was there for a split second then I basically told myself ... no more energy wasted on that stuff .. I spent 2 long hard years there and no longer will be chained up to that like a prisioner. Turns out ... SIL and W got into it. W shared with me a bit at first .. I STFU and listened .. she shared more .. then it went as far as to showing me the entire TM exchange. This is where things got a bit wierd ... reading this .. I am telling you .. was like watching 2 MLC heavyweights in SPewfest 2015 .. NOTHING was held back by either one. I am not sure if MIL is/has been stuck in MLC land .. but the more things come out ... the more dysfunctional her family is appearing to be. SIL like W is currently dealing with damage waged by MIL, but the things these two said to each other ... wow .. just wow.

W has been sharing this with me, I basically approached it DB style, nothing I can do but listen, I can not solve her problems .. and as I told her, her R between SIL and W is her issue ... the irony of it all was W actually asked me how she should approach things now because I have had to deal with her when she 'gets like this'. I gave her some DB advice ... very generic ... but tried to get her to see they both fight the same .. unfair .. press buttons and go for the kill. Last night we discussed things more ... the REAL reason W is upset by all that happened was more to do about SIL threatening to tell her entire family about W's A, OM, STD, and all the damage she had done. I was under the impression W had already told BIL1 &3 along with SIL ... turns out SIL is the only one besides myself who knows the truth .... however SIL has no idea we are back togoether and working on the M. W seems to have told tid-bits to this sibling, others to that .. no one has the full picture. W is terrified if anyone else finds out she will be "disowned"

I calmly told her .... she can not control what SIL does or does not do ... if things come out she will just have to deal with them as they come, what else can one do? So I am just contuing to become better, I have been reading alot ... putting more time in with S and making sure our R remains solid. W and I have talked a bit more the past few nights ... mostly about the above, but this morning a bit of R talk .. me stating calmly and firmly I need a bit more from her, but understand she is still working on herself and figuring it all out. I shared I do not feel we have really worked on the M since the vacation (missing homework assignments ... etc.) but I also shared that on Saturdays when S has practice we take that time to walk together on the beach for an hour does help .. somethign we decided we would make a habit out of. She brought up hte sex topic (I think more out of thinking thats what I need ... though I hav enot pursued that area at all) ... I calmly told her she still needs to get retested before we can even discuss that.... again she agreed.

All in all things are good, I think its a challenge figuring out what the new M is, how to blend in Cali 2.0 with the new W, whoever she decides she is going to be .. seems she is still trying things on and seeing how they fit at the moment if that makes any sense .... all things I understand need to happen, she is not quite ready yet.

I do hope you all are well and good


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Huge progress that she is sharing this stuff with you and asking your advice. I think that part of it can be taken as positive. As far as the Spew Monster v Spew Monster action, I imagine that would not be fun to witness.


M: 38 W: 37
T: 20 M: 19
Kids: Stepson?20, S19, S16, D12
BD: 02/19/2015 (She moved out)
PA Confirmed: 02/22/2015 (She is now living with OM)
Dazed and confused: 09/13/2015
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Cali,
Patience! Yep, patient is all you can be right now. Your wife is still trying to grow up and feel comfortable in her own skin. I do like the fact that you are listening and providing her w/tidbits of DBing when she asks for your opinion. She needs to learn how to deal w/her "stuff" and the only way to do that is to work thru them and not around them or look for others to rescue her. This is a new path for her and she's going to have days of one step forward two steps back for quite a while.

The most important thing is to keep the communication lines open, don't rush the process and continue to keep your expectations low. She's got to grow up on her time clock and it's just a wee bit slower than yours.

Again, patience! You've come a long way, but you and your wife still have a ways to go. Always remember, it took her a while to go into crisis and it's going to take her a while to gradually come out of it.

Keep up the good work!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hey Lukey, my friend. What's shakin?

You have a good handle on this. I will tell you that this part..where you are at...is where a lot of spouses (hate the acronym LBS) quit.

The reason is that they worry about whether they can really accept who the MLCer has become. They worry about being able to work through all the damage.

This is when you need to let God. You know what I mean? Release it to Him. Allow Him to do what He needs to do.

She will either get through it or she wont. But you...you hold the key to your happiness no matter what happens.

Nice that she is sharing that stuff with you.

You keep being Cali...cuz he is pretty freakin cool. smile

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CaliGuy Offline OP
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Thank you job and uR .... You all have helped me tremendously through all this !!!


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Posts: 2,523
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Hello all .. just thought I would update a bit. I have been reading via phone a good deal …. Makes me realize how long I have be “At This” and my heart goes out to those who are weeks into the BD-DB ride, posts are so similar, pain filled … part of me thinks that not being able to post as I used to has been good for me, detaching some from the pain and not re-living all the heartache over again that come from reading about the OM/OW, the spew, and crazy that follows as I begin to heal more from the destruction of the crisis and address those issues I stuffed into nice little boxes during the detachment phase.



I am still not able to log onto the site at work … but I will often read via phone .. very hard to post from there and the urge is strong to lend some advice to others, things I have picked up and learned throughout my personal journey, seeing someone post something that I feel needs to be pointed out and looked at, its those little things that can often lead to a great epiphany as I learned here over time … and I continue to learn, seems for me the rules change from time to time without notice. DBing is similar with the various WW/WAW/MLC … get into piecing and it’s a bit more difficult especially as she moves more out of the fog and is she seems to be discovering her new-self … as I continue polishing my Patience Shovel that job sold me for a gazillion bucks. (check is in the mail)



So onto what is new/old/ ya know .. just what is going on. My birthday was last week. The weekend prior (Saturday) she went to buy my Bday gift … along with that she bought herself a very nice new handbag and was showing it to me,(Still hints of selfishness, or maybe she just wanted the new bag .. who knows) then W had errands to run,… as she did the week before (this trend is something to note btw) so I put on my GAL hat and did some stuff with S, let W go do her thing as we did ours. Since we came back from Vaca this seems to be something with her, she needs to go off and do her thing, I chalked this up to the bit of friction that came to a climax just as we got home. Thankfully I have not been in panic mode over this nor even entertained the “Where/when/with whom” notions … I adopted more along the thought process of knowing she is still sorting things out. The other side of this … Old Cali would be upset, and the DB Cali thinking OM, … truth is Cali 2.0 welcomes it, S and I have a blast and there is nothing I would be doing that he could not be a part of, and IF W did decide to OM it up that would just seal it for me. That being said there was the same old push-pull dance going on and at times W talked about the ‘distance’ she felt with me … I did not tell her its hard to be close when on the weekends she runs off doing her thing, I instead suggested during S’s 1 ½ hour baseball practices her and I could go for a walk on the beach … something she jumped at and we did that Saturday evening … I sipped on a STFU smoothie and she went Vampire and Blah blah blah’d for over an hour.



W took me and S out for a nice dinner that Sat night .. nothing big nor fancy but I enjoyed the meal, more so enjoyed the family outing. Sunday was pretty quiet and relaxing. Tuesday (Birthday) came and I woke up, W wished me a happy birthday and there was some ‘petting’ involved (Happy Happy B-day to me), again the sex issue has been put on a shelf till the testing happens (There has been some talk about this from W when things get heated from time to time, could she maybe be sexually frustrated I am not certain) . So after I walked the dog as usual .. W and S gave me a couple gifts, S gave me a funny card ….Funny as it was totally inappropriate about a squirrel and his ‘Birthday Nut’ but he giggled at the noises as I wore my best poker face staring at W with a WTF look. W did not get me a card telling me that the one S got was $10 … I looked at her and calmly told her she should have still got me a card. For those who have not read my sitch much .. my BD was on my B-Day …. So not getting a card was to me .. almost an insult, not something that “trying to work on the M” was felt, we talked about it and even joked a little and I told her, with everything I felt at the least I deserved a card. At this point I knew regardless the only reason she was going to get me one was because I asked … but this is a 180 area for me .. not voicing myself, not telling W what I need … it felt like a power play in a sense, maybe it was, but I just felt I had to tell W it was wrong.



That week went by pretty well, but there has been a haze .. light fog .. W seems to be trying to find her new self, jumping at things to keep her busy and not being totally open. The M has felt like less and less of a priority … I have been calm and quiet about this but it started to weigh on me, like it is a test of sorts … her seeing just how much I will take before losing it (Old M and Old Cali stuff I think) Again Saturday W had the whole day booked … the ‘Test’ that morning, Oil change, then lunch with a friend of hers (She later sent me a picture almost to prove she was in fact where she said she was). I had S and we went to finish up moving the big items out of my apt … I was going to originally donate my couches but with all the events of the past month, I put them in the garage ‘just in case’ things do not work out .. I will not have to buy a whole living room set. Later that day W and I were to meet up for ‘our walk’, her lunch ran late and she could not make it … S and I did practice, went out and grabbed pizza and home late around 7:30 …. W still not there. She arrived 10-15 min later with food … I walked the dog and let it go but at that point all this started to bother me, though I let it go and enjoyed the rest of the evening watching a few shows on Netflix.



Sunday Morning: I planned to head over to the Apt to clean things up, come back and go to church, I told W what I had planned, W let me know she was going to go to church with us, then sneak out and go to the Apple store to buy a laptop, and would be busy the rest of the day downloading software, meeting up with another friend for coffee(she does not drink coffee) Was at this point I was pretty much at my limit. I was calm .. but we had a serious heart to heart. I know there are points in this where you do not pressure them, and I didn’t .. not for 3-4 weeks, I also made it a point and have not brought up the A nor OM for that time. But Knowing Sat Morning my W was getting the final AIDS test brought back some of those OM demons I have slowly been conquering. I really started to think about the “New-Post MLC W and our M” and the direction things have been going, not something I really want to be honest. We talked and I told her this ‘new life’ is not working for me, its not a M, not one I wanted anyways. We talked .. and I explained we cannot ‘work’ on the M when its not being put 1st over other priorities … there was a good deal of backlash … she even spewed a bit, tossed out the ‘Controlling-rant” I stayed calm. I expressed I support her and her new endeavors, even went further to let her know I accept the “New her” but pointed out how she is spreading herself thin as it is … and our M is nowhere near ‘fixed’, reminded her it will take work, and it is going to be hard …. Bottom line I do not want to be in a relationship with anyone who is to busy to build a new life together. I point blank asked her what she wanted, what her priorities were … those are her choices, her desires … I then asked her based on her actions if they line up. I then shared that I needed some time, because I did not feel that her priorities and mine matched up … not that they need to but I need time to decide if I can accept them and her … I then took S to his game.



As the game started W showed up, sat about 3’ away from metold me she was sorry, asked me to slide closer, I purposely went half way and told her “I will meet you half way just as I told you before … you have to do the other half” She smiled and laughed … told me I was stubborn … my face must have made it all come out as she then realized she is just as stubborn … we laughed. She told me was still figuring herself out but assured me she loved me, wanted our M and family to work out, and that it was in fact a priority though she realized her actions over the past 3-4 weeks show otherwise. She was teary eyed telling me she does not want me to lose faith in her. I hugged her, then we kissed and decided to call a truce for the rest of the day. Watched the game, then we all went out to a dinner and a movie. She was ‘back’ if that makes sense .. maybe just a show, maybe me just voicing how I felt made her focus a bit more on what was at steak …I am not sure.



Things have been up and down during this “piecing” …. But I have been thinking, if it were all ups, I think I would be surely set up for a crash. People have said this is the hardest part, I will admit I kind of chuckled thinking … sure .. no way can it be harder than the past what .. 4-5 years, especially the past 2 … but it is. Its like a new romance but with that “new” drug removed .. so you do not get the rush, I get the love is deeper, fuller, and all that … but all that baggage from the OLD M we are still sifting through as we come to terms and try to accept the New M and the New people we have become through all this. Some days these traits and things are accepted, other days tested to the max … then some days these things are questioned, you know that person but there are things you don’t. I will say I notice W really temp checking to see if I can accept her, she questions often if she is enough for me, good enough, that type of thing. I think I have handled this well, depending on the situation, the timing … I usually try to validate, keep things calm .. but every now and then it feels like I need to nudge her at times when it feels like she forgets how much work we have ahead of us, making sure its work WE need to do and not pointing fingers nor blaming.



Still hanging in there, still making progress as W and I continue to work on things, I will say we TALK about this stuff now, nothing is tabboo .. its all out in the open and we can discuss the hot topics without it leading to throwing things … its this part of the New M that provides me some hope. I shared with her how hard this all is, how what we are doing is probably the hardest thing a couple could ever do … and she does not even know about MLC … something I used to think I would share with her one day .. now I just want to move past that too .. no need to drive through the junk yard to look at that destroyed car.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Hey Cali,

Great to read your update and so pleased that you stood up for yourself and showed your w Cali 2.0 will not be a pushover, it was brewing I think ..... also glad she responded well to it.

I have been following along with your journey since I joined and you have become an inspiration to me, I often ask myself "what would Cali do/say", really I do. You have found the art of listening, validation and patience, I am terrible at it and I know I am pushing my luck with h on occasions, it's a miracle I have got this far really lol.

How do you keep it all in and not say what your head is thinking?

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Lou

Thank you... I almost spit out my water reading someone could think that I've found the art of listening, validation... And heck I can barely spell patience

I think the STFU smoothies are tough to choke down at first.... But when you start really doing it, when you can really listen and STFU .... The Intel you unearth is golden, if you reach a point where your W/H decides to let the flood gates open you discover not only what's eating them, you also help them purge ... The trick is to let them purge as much as possible before jumping in and defending yourself/ correcting the rewritten history/ pointing out the flaws .... Let them vent and exhaust themselves out, once they feel they've been heard they are more open to hearing you.... In my case W had a very large axe to grind, so she did so at will in my large thick skull till there was little left of it. Once that axe was all but worn down it was then things I would say started taking on more weight

Let them talk... Heck let me spill it all and just absorb what they've said and think about it for a bit before attempting to retort ... It's not all about WHAT they say, more that you've made a safe place to allow them to get it off their chest


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
... I really started to think about the “New-Post MLC W and our M” and the direction things have been going, not something I really want to be honest. We talked and I told her this ‘new life’ is not working for me, its not a M, not one I wanted anyways. We talked .. and I explained we cannot ‘work’ on the M when its not being put 1st over other priorities … there was a good deal of backlash … she even spewed a bit, tossed out the ‘Controlling-rant” I stayed calm. I expressed I support her and her new endeavors, even went further to let her know I accept the “New her” but pointed out how she is spreading herself thin as it is … and our M is nowhere near ‘fixed’, reminded her it will take work, and it is going to be hard …. Bottom line I do not want to be in a relationship with anyone who is to busy to build a new life together. I point blank asked her what she wanted, what her priorities were … those are her choices, her desires … I then asked her based on her actions if they line up. I then shared that I needed some time, because I did not feel that her priorities and mine matched up … not that they need to but I need time to decide if I can accept them and her … I then took S to his game.


Great job Caliguy on calling your W on her busyness to avoid dealing with the issues in your marriage. That took courage. I like the story of your moving your chair halfway at s's baseball game. A good visual picture of what you wanted from W.

Thank you for sharing your struggles. It helps me.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
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I love reading your updates. It sounds like you are busy these days so thanks for doing that. By what you are describing, I can see why piecing is so hard.

I imagine it's tough when you finally get to that place in the R where you can take it...or leave it. We work so hard to get there, right? I so admire that you are taking the path you are, being patient, listening while being open and honest....and the talking you both are doing!!! How I envy that so!

Sounds like you are in a good place Cali. You and your family are in my thoughts often and I am rooting for you guys.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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