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Zephyr #2607606 09/17/15 01:55 PM
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I had not planned posting, but seeing as I was browsing anyway here goes.

I've been doing pretty well with my goals.

Except two.
1. I cannot focus enough on work. I am not dwelling on anything specific but just seem to be mentally exhausted. I really need to get on top of this.
2. As I approach one year of really REALLY trying to do whatever it takes to save M, I seem to be exactly where I was last year. I have changed a good bit and still working on that. I am more involved in house and kids and still improving there. But as far as W, she is pretty much dame as back then. Michelles latest posting from cadet, says that sometimes the best we can do is stop things getting worse. So maybe that is not so bad.

We get along fine, with no arguing but also no real emotional/physical connection. We share a bed, she is comfortable enough to undress in front of me. We chat sometimes before reading in bed. Always get a kiss goodnight. After that goodnight kiss I take up whatever position is most comfortable. I used to avoid contact but have reverted back to laying arm on her for a while. After that it seems like a no go zone and the rest of the night is "cold". This is the worst for me. Nights being so close yet so far.

I am losing hope that she will ever come back, even if physically she is still here. I have accepted that on some levels but not all. I am now trying to really get a life and be able to really move forward.

Maybe the year anniversary of deciding to save M is playing on my mind. Just before that will be our 9th wedding anniversary and a month later our 20th anniversary together.

Last weekend my W put on slide show of our wedding. Initially she took out computer to show her family who's wedding I was going to, as he came to ours. But she went on to show our sons the cool Thunderbird we had for the occasion and then she put it on the TV and left it for a good while.

This surprised me and I still don't know what to think about it, so I don't. In the beginning she interacted with everyone reliving some moments.At the end I thought I saw her being sad and lost in her thoughts. Me, I was happy to be able to watch it without being emotional.Boy did she look great that day. Even more than usual.

I am not doing as well as I thought I was as I am here writing instead of working. Sorry for some more of the same blah blah. Just need to get it out.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2607610 09/17/15 01:59 PM
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Originally Posted By: roiste
As I approach one year of really REALLY trying to do whatever it takes to save M, I seem to be exactly where I was last year.


I posted/asked this to SJ this morning. I was recommended to keep a positivity journal of my interactions with W or her actions. Do you have something like that? Its easy to say "nothing has changed" but without actually looking at data, its difficult to ACTUALLY judge whether thats true.

Azzork #2607614 09/17/15 02:03 PM
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I saw that post. I have often thought about such a journal but was afraid she would come across it. Will relook at that as it is a good idea.TThanks Az. Do you see anything else compared to when I started posting?


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2608571 09/21/15 08:55 AM
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Just a little moan to start my Monday.

Nearly hit breaking point this morning.The boys were well being kids and boisterous and too slow getting ready for school. I raised my voice but had to leave the room to calm down. I was way too angry.... yes the boys actions was annoying and did serve being called to order but I realised that my frustration in general was pouring out.

Yes our kids could/should be better behaved at times.... like all kids. Bit I am always tired and feel my bottled up emotions esp due to M situation is not healthy.

Whereas I believe it is in my kids best interest that we stay together as a family, I feel I cannot be my best in these conditions. They deserve better.

I need to rework on my interactions with boys. I need to be more proactive heading off problems before they escalate. I need to get them to improve their interactions too. The sad thing is I started each sentence with I and not WE. I may try discuss this with W and go forward together on this.

W seems just as fed up as me.... with kids and in general
She is not sleeping well and often gets up for an hour or so during night.


Spoke to IC this morning but she basically said I will continue to get more and more fed up until I really have had enough or to much. She said it is impossible to carry what I am going through on my own.

That was not the help I wanted from her but she seems to be of the opinion I have done my work and that is that. If that is so why do I feel so broken?

I just don't know anymore. Before it was easier because being depressed I always had a backup exit plan. If things reached a certain point that would have been it. Now I guess I am better because suicide is not an option. I am fighting to find s solution.

I am contemplating giving up my business,that I started three years sho. I was proud to have managed that being depressed at the time. But although I have always had work, money could be better and it is an extra source of stress. However I love the freedom of choosing my hours and not having a boss. Plus I get to bring kids to school everyday and can take time off when I want to do something with them. But maybe at least in the: immediate future I should eliminate some stress, get a reliable steady income and more importantly be in a position to get a loan if needed. This could be helpful one way or another.

A lot going on in my head at the moment.Needed to scream here so I can concentrate on what needs doing in real life.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2608727 09/21/15 06:32 PM
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I see so many similarities between your situation and mine. It's the not knowing that hurts. You try so hard and yet feel so lonely in your own home. I honestly feel that it would be so much easier for me if my W would just tell me she wanted out and was leaving. I feel like I could deal with things then.

My journey is just starting and I wanted you to know that I look up to you. You have worked so hard to make things better for your family.

I actually feel a little embarrassed that I'm feeling like I should be seeing better results after 8 weeks.

Take care, I'll be following along and I hope everything works out!

Mowgli #2610857 09/29/15 07:58 AM
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Thanks Mowgli, I don't know if I am a good role model but thanks for saying so. You are right in saying it is probably easier if W just left.EEach situation is different and the type of pain/emotions felt vary. It is lonely and being so close yet so far is tough. I follow your situation and will post soon, but I fear impatience and pushing are what you need tobe wary of.

I'll update soon


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2610866 09/29/15 10:52 AM
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,098
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Originally Posted By: roiste
Just a little moan to start my Monday.

Nearly hit breaking point this morning.The boys were well being kids and boisterous and too slow getting ready for school. I raised my voice but had to leave the room to calm down. I was way too angry.... yes the boys actions was annoying and did serve being called to order but I realised that my frustration in general was pouring out.

If i got mad at the boys like that, I used to tell the boys that they were like fuel on the fire. Daddy was not mad st them, just that they were adding to what was going on. It has been a while...they understood a little better.

Yes our kids could/should be better behaved at times.... like all kids. Bit I am always tired and feel my bottled up emotions esp due to M situation is not healthy.

Whereas I believe it is in my kids best interest that we stay together as a family, I feel I cannot be my best in these conditions. They deserve better.

So what have you done to put more emphasis on your children through all of this. Spending special time with each one, focusing attention on them for a bit will help keep focus off of M even for a little bit.

I need to rework on my interactions with boys. I need to be more proactive heading off problems before they escalate. I need to get them to improve their interactions too. The sad thing is I started each sentence with I and not WE. I may try discuss this with W and go forward together on this.

W seems just as fed up as me.... with kids and in general
She is not sleeping well and often gets up for an hour or so during night.

Does she bring her phone or go to the computer

Spoke to IC this morning but she basically said I will continue to get more and more fed up until I really have had enough or to much. She said it is impossible to carry what I am going through on my own.

That was not the help I wanted from her but she seems to be of the opinion I have done my work and that is that. If that is so why do I feel so broken?

Rejection of healthy desire and not having your need for affection and met will make you feel broke. Sounds cliché bit you really and i ran really need to start showing yourself some genuine love and appreciation...otherwise who else will do that. I have seen it and said it myself... Nobody will show me enough appreciation. Well I wasnt wither...it starts her, the ability to focus your energy inwards and appreciate all that you do...it will absolutely start you in a better direction.


I just don't know anymore. Before it was easier because being depressed I always had a backup exit plan. If things reached a certain point that would have been it. Now I guess I am better because suicide is not an option. I am fighting to find s solution.

I lost a good friend this week...he was hit by a car riding his bike. If anything it was a reminder that life is too phucking short to not live life to the fullest to take whatever you have right now and start being who you want to be. If that to be a daddy at home then so be it I am proud of you for that. Doesn't mean you can't just start really walking your path and enjoying your life.

I am contemplating giving up my business,that I started three years sho. I was proud to have managed that being depressed at the time. But although I have always had work, money could be better and it is an extra source of stress. However I love the freedom of choosing my hours and not having a boss. Plus I get to bring kids to school everyday and can take time off when I want to do something with them. But maybe at least in the: immediate future I should eliminate some stress, get a reliable steady income and more importantly be in a position to get a loan if needed. This could be helpful one way or another.

This is tough...it took courage to start your own business...it will take that same courage to move on from that if that is what you truely want to do. Hard choice here. I am glad you are thinking about it and taking time to consider the options.

A lot going on in my head at the moment.Needed to scream here so I can concentrate on what needs doing in real life.



Scream away Roiste. I have been silent for a few weeks focusing some energy on my own mental well being. I came out with the understanding that my wife has been going through something so intense due to a chdhood trauma. Her Mlc is almost 5 years old at least and all of her rhetoric says that she is looking at things differently now. Does that mean things will change or does that mean that her EA is heating up, that we will have to see.

Truth is I have not set healthy boundaries in my marriage and it is about time we did. We have been enabling thief behavior because we have not protected ourselves appropriately. We have not said enough of this $hit.

You are a stronger man now than when you got here. You have shown that over and over. I wish that we had not to deal with any of this [censored]. But that is the hand we've been dealt. I am not ready to give up. I do not have the same hope I once did, bit maybe that is what we need...to shed that unrealistic hope that things will get better. Instead, start moving forward with our lives for us and if things change great!

Sending you my support!

Last edited by Zephyr; 09/29/15 10:53 AM.

M - 40's
W - 30's
Two Sons
Living together
Zephyr #2611002 09/29/15 08:25 PM
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From separate thread:

Originally Posted By: roiste

What changed from a potential EA to a definite EA? This is not important to answer for me. I'm with you through this, more than electronically. i truly care.

Good luck Z

I know you care as I do as well!

What changed...emotional Clarity and losing the fear. No snooping, that just isn't me.

Posting here for a reason. Do not be siprised if all of my threads disappear. I am sorry but I can't answer your questions right now, but hopefully soon I will be able to be more clear.

Thank you for all of your support all this time!!!!!!


M - 40's
W - 30's
Two Sons
Living together
Zephyr #2611017 09/29/15 09:05 PM
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OK. Hijack away.Saves me looking for your news.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2611165 09/30/15 12:24 PM
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Small update, just to keep posting.

I think I am starting to drop the rope. Is it because I am in a better place or that I am just accepting what is. Idk. Our latest holiday was a turning point for me. I would rather not go on holidays as a family and feel that way. She was with her kids I was with mine. That s#@ked but I guess as it wAs OK for our sons.

Since then we were supposed to go to a wedding together next month. Due to financial reasons she backed out. Now to be honest I probably can't afford to go alone either, but I NEED to go. I have booked the flights and have lined up loads of people to see. I am glad to be going alone. It will be fun.

Speaking of finances I am really trying at work so that is good. I am not as focused as I need to be but am working on it. I am considering all my options and will choose financial stabilty first. I want to be in a position where I can get a loan if I need one. This is important if things don't turn around but beneficial either way. But I guess I just want to be financially better if we do split.

I am trying to GAL, really get a life. I have become closer to a group if guys locally. I didn't pursue this before because this group doesn't like my W's inappropriate friend and I didn't want to stir up more problems.Now I choose to socialize and do sport with them. This is for me. To hell if that goes down wrong. That being said I want to get new friends outside of local ones.

I am doing OK with most of my goals but will post that later.

I am finding I want to spend less time with my W. I am getting out mote. I amnotbeing cold or distant and am not avoiding her but I am starting to value myself more. She seems further from me at times but has shared mire stuff with me. I probably am hoping she will realise that she us losing me, but that is not my driving motivation.I really want to get a life.

I am breaking one DB principal and that is just before turning by over to sleep at night. I lay with my arm across her and while reading keg is usually wrapped over hers. For me it is not pursuit as I don't expect it to endear me to her. In fact i accept it may push her away. I still do this for sale verbal reasons.1 primarily because it helps me sleep. 2 if it bugs her she can drop her bomb instead of signing out without telling me. 3. I reckon this situation could go on for a long time so I'll make the most of it.

Not on purpose but due to flight prices I leave for the wedding on our anniversary. Funny coincidence I found. Anyway this year I am of twomnds about getting her anything. Any thoughts? Maybe it us a good opportunity to show I am moving forward. Please advise your opinions n's based on my situation.

Also during my trip, I will hit the year anniversary of fighting for my M. A year ago I asked for a sign that she wants to be with me. Apart from still being here I am still waiting. Though I think I am no longer waiting.

Got to go

Thanks for listening


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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