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Joined: Nov 2014
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Initial thread:
When is kindness enough?

A brief history:
We met in 1998, started dating in 1999.
Started living together in 1999.
We got married in 2003.
Our first kid was born in 2006 and the second one in 2008.
Very much in love until 2008.
I am from the mainland and W from this archipelago where I started working.
I knew I wanted to live in this paradise forever. Wife didn’t.
I resisted moving to the mainland the best way I knew: by avoiding talking and expressing emotions. By passive resistence.
We grew apart.
I got a job abroad in 2011.
Wife and kids joined me in 2012.
We kept doing the same things, each one living its parallel life.
Stopped having sex in 2013. Being the high drive I could no longer stand the rejection when looking for physical closeness.
I took W for granted and thought vows would hold us forever together, so although unhappy I would live like that indefinitely.
Having become a house wife made W deeply unhappy.
W depressed from January 2014 onwards.
BD in June 2014.
Complete shock.
Pursued, begged, cried.
Things kept getting worse until December, when W had a psychotic event.
Between January and June I applied DB principles the best I could.
Lots of introspection. Found I was afraid of W and a nice guy.
Focused on the kids, became even better dad than before.
June 2015 a small miracle happened: with me no longer pursuing, W got closer and closer and I started expressing emotions.
We reconciled. ML for the first time in two years.
We were a family again.
July 2015 W flies to home country with kids and I stay behind working.
W calls and tells she needs space so we should stop all contacts.
When I fly home for summer vacation in August she announces she wants to D me.
Back in this foreign country she finds a new flat.
She is going to move out October 1st with the kids.
September 7 we tell the kids.
Right now we are living together as a happy family, only sleeping separately.
Mood is cheerful, we talk and interact normally, W smiles at me and ask my opinion on a lot of issues.
I still follow Sandi’s rules, especially this: “only show your spouse happiness and contentment.”


Me43 W39
M 12y,T 15y
S09,S07
Bomb Jun14
Sleeping separately Jan/Mar15
Share bed Mar/May15
Reconcile Jun15
Aug15 W sais D will happen
D told to kids Sept15
W moved out with kids 01 October15
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 255
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Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 255
(T -11 days to physical separation)
Some hours ago W told the kids to go to their room and start choosing from all the toys they have there the ones they want to keep and the ones they want to give away.
This is obviously a preparation for the moving out.
I have taken the decision not to help moving house. I cannot and will not be accomplice in the act of putting and end to the cohabitation which, de facto, will signify the end of this family.
However, I helped my kids separating some toys since we decided we are going to give them to some charity organization.


Me43 W39
M 12y,T 15y
S09,S07
Bomb Jun14
Sleeping separately Jan/Mar15
Share bed Mar/May15
Reconcile Jun15
Aug15 W sais D will happen
D told to kids Sept15
W moved out with kids 01 October15
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 255
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Ripe Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
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Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 255
(T-10)
This weekend was a very nice one.
Friday night the four of us watched some classical music videos on TV. The kids danced at the sound of Les Sauvages from Les Indes Galantes by Rameau and also The Nutcracker by Tchaikovsky.
I stopped repressing my love for classical music.
I helped W preparing the kids' beds. W was in light pyjamas so I could look at her breasts while she was bending over. Is she not aware that I will look? Is she not aware of how indecent she is dressing?

Saturday morning the kids, their two young friends and I had planned to go to the park and rent some bikes. W heard us talking (I do not include her any longer in any plans) and said she would like to come along; she added shyly: "if you want me." She came with us. Bikes were all rented so we went for a 5 km walk. W and I walked side by side and talked for several moments. Very pleasant walk.
After, I went to the barber to cut S9 hair and mine. Came home and W asked me if I had cut my hair. She was going to make some comment but unmistakably refrained herself.
After lunch Wife left to her friends.
At 22h00 she called and told me she was delayed because her friend and she had created a blog. She mentioned the blog's name and how excited both were. I did not understand why so much sharing. A simple "I will be arriving late", as this has happened several times before, would have sufficed.

Sunday morning the kids, the friends and I returned to the park for the bicycle ride. The weather was fantastic and the cow blocking the track made us all laugh. So wonderful.
W stayed at home sleeping.
When we arrived I sat on the sofa and started reading something. W could not stop sharing her enthusiasm with the blog. With only some small sign of interest on my side she showed it to me on the ipad, asked me about my opinion on the looks and on the first post. During the day she came back to me showing the number of visits increasing.
The four of us watched a movie. As always, W prepared manually the popcorns. I always help by holding the pot while she firmly stirs the corn. She put her hand on mine in the process. Then we all sat at the same sofa happily eating sweet popcorn.

It was the perfect family weekend.
I don't understand this W.
Is she in such a good mood because:
- She is about to start her "new life" in the new flat?
- Or she enjoys this family life and having me around?

Either way I don't care. It's none of my business. I will keep focusing on me and the kids. She is going to take my kids from me but I will do my best to always be there for them. I love you very much, S7 and S9.


Me43 W39
M 12y,T 15y
S09,S07
Bomb Jun14
Sleeping separately Jan/Mar15
Share bed Mar/May15
Reconcile Jun15
Aug15 W sais D will happen
D told to kids Sept15
W moved out with kids 01 October15
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 255
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Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 255
(T-8)
Today, at the end of the day, I am going with my two kids for a long weekend by the seaside.
It's a GAL activity because I decided I would go anyway without the wife, but it is one that shows I am not as detached as I would imagine. In fact, it's one that brings some hate for this woman.
For the last three years my family has done this trip, as a Goodbye Summer/Hello Autumn Trip.
This will be the first trip where the Ripe family is no more. S7 summarized it perfectly: "A special person is not going in this trip."
Sometimes I really hate this special person.

Especially after events like the one from yesterday.
S7 hosted a show he called "Live the life". Taking turns, each one of us performs in front of the others, the jury, who then evaluates the performance.
W and I gave each other good grades. All of us laughed and enjoyed the moment. It's a pity these family moments end in 8 days.

And then, after the kids went to sleep, I asked STBXW if she had already told her parents about the divorce.
She said she had talked to her mother and that the mother was really upset and not supportive (surprise, surprise).
STBXW asked why was I interested in that and I told her I was waiting for the announcement in order to have a talk with MIL. STBXW asked what about and I told it was a private conversation, but basically I wanted to tell her I would not be visiting her for Christmas as usual. STBXW told me she had not spoken again to my mother after coming back so why would I talk to hers.
STBXW does not understand I deeply respect and love my MIL and that the feeling is mutual. I need to tell MIL divorce is not my decision.
Then the best part came, when STBXW told: "When I married you I thought it would be forever, but people change."
This made me sick but I was able to control myself.
Of course, when you are all dressed in white, you are surrounded by your relatives and close friends and have a big smile in your face it is easy to promise eternal love in good and bad times.
But then the bad times arrive and you immediately jump out. And it's perfectly all right because people change.
And this is the person that some time ago said, when I was still in the pleading and begging stage, that there was no use in trying any longer because people do not change.


Me43 W39
M 12y,T 15y
S09,S07
Bomb Jun14
Sleeping separately Jan/Mar15
Share bed Mar/May15
Reconcile Jun15
Aug15 W sais D will happen
D told to kids Sept15
W moved out with kids 01 October15
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,902
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Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,902
Early on my W had the same thought about family. I became closer with almost all of her family while she retreated from them. She didn't want to talk with my family even after she had been closer to them in the past because she thought they hated her. She doesn't determine who you talk with or who your family includes just ad it is the other way arounf.

Hope things are going well ripe, it looks like I'll be moving out Oct 1st also. Let the physical separations begin I guess.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Joined: Nov 2014
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T-4
Yes Fogg, let the physical separation began for, as far as emotions go, I don't want to have anything to do with this W who will be STBXW.
Is this detachment?
Unfortunately I don't think so.

I just arrived home after four wonderful days alone with my kids.
We stayed in the same hotel as my then intact family stayed back in June, during our brief reconciliation. We got a room next door to the room where in June my W and I ML for the first time in two years.
And now I arrive home just to find the place half striped and half emptied, because the move will happen in four days.
STBXW even took every single drawing that covered our MBR, gifts from our kids, some of them portraying four persons: our family.
Guess the kids will now have to learn how to draw a modern, split, divorced family.
STBXW was in pyjamas but, because it is cold, she was wearing some warm jacket belonging to me!!!
She asked me very insistingly how the trip she did not want to go went. I told her that the kids should answer her.
She also asked if the kids had asked about us. She was pleased when I answered no.
Today I simply hate this person and what she is doing to our family.
I wish she had never entered my life.


Me43 W39
M 12y,T 15y
S09,S07
Bomb Jun14
Sleeping separately Jan/Mar15
Share bed Mar/May15
Reconcile Jun15
Aug15 W sais D will happen
D told to kids Sept15
W moved out with kids 01 October15
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 255
R
Ripe Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 255
T-3
Right now I just feel disgusted at my STBXW.
The kids are still a bit tired from yesterday's journey.
S9 wanted to skip some classes in the afternoon.
STBXW was just now telling him that was not possible, bla, bla, bla, and used a final argument: "Ripes never give up, right Daddy?"
What is happening to me?
I feel so well when I am away, not missing STBXW at all. I think it is because she has not been my companion for so long that I only remember a vague friendship and bond.
And then, when we are under the same roof I only feel sadness and anger, resentment and hate. I even regret having met this woman at all.
Like yesterday night, when S9 was writing his name on some school assignment while sitting at the dinner table, where he has worked for the last four years. STBXW said: "At least he will have a desk in his new house."
I could barely hold my tong as I wanted to say: "He will have a desk there but not a dad."
I hope this hate fades away once the move out is done.


Me43 W39
M 12y,T 15y
S09,S07
Bomb Jun14
Sleeping separately Jan/Mar15
Share bed Mar/May15
Reconcile Jun15
Aug15 W sais D will happen
D told to kids Sept15
W moved out with kids 01 October15
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,902
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Member
Offline
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Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,902
Anger is a normal emotion to experience in this process and you will likely revisit it many times in the future also, just maybe not ad intense as the first few times. Stay strong ripe and try to keep moving forward with your life. I know how much it [censored] and I feel for you, my own emotions are running wild since yesterday also. Any big change will do this to us, just keep controlling yourself so the feelings don't take over.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 255
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T-2

I am again calm.
I am calm since I realized yesterday I cannot allow this situation to go on any longer and so it needs to be addressed.
I realized I need to set a boundary.
I cannot accept that my STBXW moves out - I cannot do anything about this - and that I will be paying for her new flat and expenses - I can react to this.
Legally, until we divorce half of what I earn is also hers.
So, the only thing I can do is to speed up the paperwork and file for divorce right now and not wait for Christmas.
I don't want this D but I cannot oppose it either.
Being passive will only increase this feeling of being violated and disrespected.
Therefore I talked to my W and tonight we are going to review all the needed agreements and file for an amicable divorce. I plan to have all the paperwork ready by Friday.


Me43 W39
M 12y,T 15y
S09,S07
Bomb Jun14
Sleeping separately Jan/Mar15
Share bed Mar/May15
Reconcile Jun15
Aug15 W sais D will happen
D told to kids Sept15
W moved out with kids 01 October15
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
Just a few things I've noticed about your recent sitch.

"Then the best part came, when STBXW told: "When I married you I thought it would be forever, but people change."
This made me sick but I was able to control myself."

So you felt disgusted by her saying this. Why? She's right after all. Just because it's a change that YOU don't want, doesn't make her thinking wrong.

"Being passive will only increase this feeling of being violated and disrespected."

In what way have you been "passive"? That's just a matter of opinion. You fought for your marriage so you weren't passive. You fought for what you believe in.

What I've seen in your posts is that although you say that you "understand" your W, and what got her here, your words say otherwise.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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