Can ALL marriages be saved?

[beckyb]

Gmum, I can identify with part of your sitch. Here's the thing...if detaching and giving him space to figure things out don't work, then nothing is going to work. This chapter of your life is closed. A new chapter is being written. It may, or may not, include your H. What it looks like it is up to you. Focus on self-respect and setting the boundaries you need - our of respect for yourself not out of punishment. Good luck.

[Gmum]

Beckyb, you're absolutely right.

He won't wake up. He gets his freedom, he can sleep with whomever he wants, he can works without feeling guilty and swoop in once in a while and be the hero to our child.
I get to to be the full-time caretaker, work from home while doing that and eventually move overseas to a country I don't want to live in.

[Gmum]

Man...I messed up.
I met him and our kid at the park and he was asking if I needed a night out next week. Said he'd need to know soon because of some work stuff and I, stupidly, asked if next week isn't also when OW is in town. Ugh, so annoyed with myself.
He just said, "yeah, but that has nothing to do with it"

[Gmum]

On a good note; Homeland starts again tonight :-) haha

[mahhhty]

Sometimes I still get a little confused about how to DB. If I'm happy and aloof, isn't that just going to make him relieved? Then he can go off and enjoy OW without feeling guilty?.

There will always be guilt because you both have a child. It is about doing what works. And begging pleading nagging negotiating reasoning with a spouse who is out the door doesn't work. Imagine courting someone new... What are they interested in? Conversation looks confidence etc. Do those! Even better is if you can figure out or remember what drew you guys together in the first place.

Ps homeland is a great show!

[Gmum]

Thanks Mahhty, when you put it in those terms it makes a lot of sense.

I'm trying, but I feel insecure around him. And so annoyed with myself for bringing up OW today. ARGGHH!!!
Hopefully a glass of wine and Homeland can take my mind off things for a bit.

Ps: Does anyone remember how long it took before they could sleep well again? Without waking up super early not able to go back to sleep?

[mahhhty]

Gmum - live and learn. Don't beat yourself up about it, as long as you learn from it.

Insecurity... That's tough bc there is all this [censored] going on. So obviously you don't feel confident. Adapt. Act. Fake it. Do whatever you must, don't let him see your pain and don't ask about the OW. Act as if you turned over a new leaf or had an epiphany.

I love this quote about adapting with strength and grace.

“You must be shapeless, formless, like water. When you pour water in a cup, it becomes the cup. When you pour water in a bottle, it becomes the bottle. When you pour water in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Water can drip and it can crash. Become like water my friend.”

Sleep.... You don't want to know my answer. I suppose everyone is different.

[Gmum]

So NEVER bring up OW. Got it! I sincerely hope I don't run into her while she's here. It's taking all the strength I have not to google her, but I know that it won't make me feel better, so I won't.

Love the quote. I will try.

I know i'm not a victim, but sometimes I do want to scream about this not being fair: I have to take care of a child full time AND work at the same time. H is going away for months again soon and he is the only one who can take her once in a while.
I put myself in this situation, I have to accept that. Made my bed and all...

Mahhty, thank you for your comments. They mean the world to me.

[mahhhty]

Go ahead. Scream. It's good to release your anger. Life isn't fair. But don't do it around him or your munchkin.

Something I read in a Jack Canfield book was the concept of... Event plus Response equals Outcome. Meaning every situation you bring in your life you impact and produce the outcome. This concept took away the victim mentality or argument. And honestly it brought me some peace bc I believe in myself.

It sounds like you are already believing that which is great! Keep it up. All of this makes you stronger and a better person!

Enjoy your show and the glass of wine!

[Gmum]

Thanks Mahhty. You've been very helpful. I hope to see you around here again.
Enjoy your night as well.