Thank you for those kind words and putting things into perspective Julie, you are very wise.
Thank you Shotgun for your unconditional support, I need to carry on focusing on me. Only God knows what my future holds. Need to keep walking through this journey,and be the best I can be.
Rouky and JudyL, you are both quite early in you sitch's development yet seem to be making very firm decisions.
Take some time to let things be just for a while. Allow the things that annoy you flow over or around you, anger (open or undercover) is not a good place to be making decisions from.
You are getting ever closer to acceptance, there's no need to rush it, let life happen and you'll feel a greater peace coming your way.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
So would you advice me to behave like a friend with him? My real problem is I don't know how to behave when he comes to see kids! I'm really lost!
I hate him for what he has done, if he was so unhappy with me, he should have split up, them start to see this OW, but then again he'd have been seen as leaving his family again. She offered him to move in with her when I kicked him out, so why didn't he take her upon her offer, if he was so unhappy with get?
I resent the fact that I have to be the mum and the dad for my girls. He only gets the good bits ( when he sees them!), I have to deal with everything else! What set me off is that I'm quite tired at the moment, and I'd like to have a bit of a lie in, but can't do that as got the dog who cries at 6am on a Sunday because he wants the be let out, and 30 minutes later the kids are up and full of energy! I'm always on the go, whereas he can wake up when he wants and look after himself better!
It's not fair! I'm sorry if I throw the towel in, but I don't know what to do! I don't want to be plan B, I deserve to be happy and respected, my H hardly communicated with me and he even forbade me to talk about my work at home! Since his mum passed away he had become even more a shelfish, self-centred men who if he doesn't get what he wants he'll hurt people! See what he did with his dad (blamed him for his mum death, blamed him for finding a partner so soon after her death, blaming him for always being harsh on him, and never really care about him; so my H cut his ties with him!) He cuts out off his life his first partner and has little contact with his first daughter as he blames her mother for tricking him to have a child. He blames and cut contact with 2 of his siblings, because he feels that they shouldn't be supporting me (he feels they sided with me). He has a lot of issues going on and I don't want to be anymore part of his life. He has hurt me too much, I put my needs after the kids and mine, he blames me for wanting to spend done time with my family in the summer!
He has all his family around him, I don't! Why is it so hard for him to understand that I need to spend some time with them? And unfortunately it has to be done for 3 weeks, but then again he has friend who told him that I shouldn't be going to see my family for so long, one week should be enough for me! My kids need to see their grandparents, and cousins and one week isn't enough!
Now he said I didn't look after myself (he was right), now I look a lot better physically, that I didn't clean the house ( hard when you work full time, deal with kids, dogs and brings back work every night, but he would t help as he says he is working hard at the weekend!).
He said I was pessimist and I strongly agree with it but I was overwhelmed by my work, looking after the kids, my dad health and finally his mum death. I got diagnosed with mild depression. I dealt with it, and got help. Whereas he admitted he was depressed but refused to get help. Instead he went to see a shrink who doesn't understand why I didn't see what he was doing for his family (ie. working every weekend to build an extension for us, that I never wanted!) a shrink who advice him not to come back as I'd never be able to sustain my changes ( I'm 8 months into it , and don't want to go back), his shrink told him that I was comparing him with my friends husband and yes I was because they were helping their W at home, would spent the day as a family day, whereas mine would always find something else to do in the house, when've was with us then going away for the day as a family!
He'd also say that sexually That I had become a chore, and yes I agree with it but once dealt with kids, taken the dog for a walk, out the kids to bed, tidied the kitchen, done my work it'd be around 11pm, so yes I'd not be in the mood for cheekiness! He could have tidied the kitchen while I was out with the dog, he could have put the bed while I was doing my work, but no he was on his phone or the computer! Saying it was his ME time and he deserved it!
I'm sorry for the rent but why I want him back in my life! I'm a taker on any advice how to behave when he comes to see kids'
I'm sorry, I'm all for saving a marriage, however I do not understand how when someone is dealing with a spouse involved in 2 years worth of infidelity it is early in a situation. Also, I do not believe that someone needs to clearly define boundaries of sexual monogamy when Married. By saying so, it feels like the blame is being placed on rouky. We are forgetting that this type of betrayal not only emotionally and financially hurts someone but can expose them and increase their risk to Many life threatening illnesses. Her children depend on her to be healthy mentally and physically.
I believe that trying to save a marriage is noble and a worthy cause, but when does it get to the point that it simply is not healthy for those involved. I feel like rouky deserves to be happy and respected. It does not sound like her husband is willing to work on this.
Last edited by JulieH; 09/28/1501:16 PM.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
You had said that infidelity and affairs was something that your husband was exposed to in his family. I hope I'm not being rude, but I was wondering, if there is some cultural misogynist roles at play as well? I'm asking, because if this is the case what are the true chances at change and perhaps any type of therapy would have to be geared differently.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Rouky, what I said originally was that you should not make decisions from a place of anger and I still stand by that given your post above. It is good that you vented but having the mindset you currently have will not enable you to make good quality decisions that impact the rest of your life.
I humbly apologise for any upset caused by saying that you are "relatively new in your sitch", it was said without regard for what you've already told us and that was wrong of me.
Letting things be as they are for a while is going to be tough but ask yourself this question how will having the D finalised change how your life operates? Will your dog stop calling on you to go out at stupidly early o'clock in the morning? Will your kids stop rising soon after the dog? Actually, that's probably yes, given time when they are teenagers and then you'll have to flip to waking the dead, if my two are anything to go by ( :-) ) but overall the calls on your time will not diminish that much. If they did you'd possibly start to think that your life was a bit empty.
So don't rush at anything until you have more inner peace otherwise there is a chance that you'll end up making snap decisions based on feelings and then ending up regretting them later.
The worst bit is that your H will not have any extra responsibility as a result of signing the D so can continue to lie in or do what he chooses, within the constraints of the D agreement.
Work towards finding inner peace and acceptance then start planning what you want from the D and how you want your life to be when it's completed and with dry ink. It probably appears to be well away from where you are now, that will only change with consistent planned action, starting now. We are all here to help you with any sticking points or where you need sounding boards. As a starter, had you considered asking the kids to let you lie in some mornings by keeping quiet to that you can lie in? If they do as agreed, reward them with their favourite breakfast? If they don't comply, don't give them the breakfast of champions, simply ask them for it another time and see what happens, they'll work it out eventually.
You are obviously a very strong, competent and capable woman Rouky, try to stop your sitch from getting you down by focussing on the good stuff (and there's lot of it when you look, as you have done previously) and you'll feel a lot more in control of your destiny and day to day living as a result.
Does that make any more sense that my previous, poorly crafted post?
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
I'm sorry, I'm all for saving a marriage, however I do not understand how when someone is dealing with a spouse involved in 2 years worth of infidelity it is early in a situation. Also, I do not believe that someone needs to clearly define boundaries of sexual monogamy when Married. By saying so, it feels like the blame is being placed on rouky. We are forgetting that this type of betrayal not only emotionally and financially hurts someone but can expose them and increase their risk to Many life threatening illnesses. Her children depend on her to be healthy mentally and physically.
I believe that trying to save a marriage is noble and a worthy cause, but when does it get to the point that it simply is not healthy for those involved. I feel like rouky deserves to be happy and respected. It does not sound like her husband is willing to work on this.
JulieH, you are a great friend for sticking up for Rouky, hopefully my recent post helps you to understand where I was coming from but failed to communicate effectively first time round.
It was not my intention to defend Rouky's H in any way and his extra-marital affairs are unforgivable. The boundaries I was referring to were regarding her H's recent conduct with his turning up, almost unannounced etc. By setting these correctly, it will take away a degree of stress as her life will be a bit more predictable in that area so she'll feel a bit more in control of things.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
So would you advice me to behave like a friend with him? My real problem is I don't know how to behave when he comes to see kids! I'm really lost!
. My DB coach advised me to be a friend to him. She said to be friendly and act as if. She said that good feelings are contagious and that positive energy is very powerful and that I need to set off good energy. She also said to never underestimate the power of a smile. I am not sure if this would be the same advise for all situations (seems like left behind husbands are told to react more coldly) but this is what my goal is. It is actually very challenging for me because I am not in a nice positive place. Most of the time I am resentful and a bit too righteous.
I resent the fact that I have to be the mum and the dad for my girls. He only gets the good bits ( when he sees them!), I have to deal with everything else! What set me off is that I'm quite tired at the moment, and I'd like to have a bit of a lie in, but can't do that as got the dog who cries at 6am on a Sunday because he wants the be let out, and 30 minutes later the kids are up and full of energy! I'm always on the go, whereas he can wake up when he wants and look after himself better!
. I get you 100% on this one. It is so hard for me to stop myself from making remarks like referring to him as "Disneyland dad". (My personal 180). Instead I am just noticing and sometime remarking on the good things he is doing. many books recommend focusing on the positive things he would do, so that he would want to do more of it. I think this works and I wish I had did this in the past.
When times get tough, What really helps me is to think of it like this.....despite all the work and exhaustion, would you ever want to switch places with him? I know I would not. I look back on all the hard work with the kids and know I would never have not wanted to do it, if you know what I mean. My son actually told me "I love you mommy because you always take care of me".
I'm sorry for the rent but why I want him back in my life! I'm a taker on any advice how to behave when he comes to see kids'
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
I have been reading your advise on many posts and your words are very wise and very helpful to myself and many others. Personally, in my case your advise truly hits home and I take great comfort in rereading it. I feel like you are very supportive of marriage and forgiveness and have great insight. .
I personally relate to a lot of what rouky is going through and I have very strong view points on infidelity so I apologize if I came across as offensive.
The question I was attempting to pose and one that has been coming up in some different posts is, when do we justify divorce? I'm a big proponent of standing by your vows and not giving up when times get rough for so many reasons. We obviously do not want to just give up like our spouses did, but what are the boundaries that we should stick through? We also have to recognize that our spouses had boundaries as well that they feel like we surpassed and what are difference between theirs and ours?
Last edited by JulieH; 09/28/1503:14 PM.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
...I personally relate to a lot of what rouky is going through and I have very strong view points on infidelity so I apologize if I came across as offensive...
No need to apologise as no offense was sensed (or taken), only passion on a subject close to you, if a little angry. ;-)
Originally Posted By: JulieH
The question I was attempting to pose and one that has been coming up in some different posts is, when do we justify divorce? I'm a big proponent of standing by your vows and not giving up when times get rough for so many reasons. We obviously do not want to just give up like our spouses did, but what are the boundaries that we should stick through? We also have to recognize that our spouses had boundaries as well that they feel like we surpassed and what are difference between theirs and ours?
That's a really tough one that maybe a book could do justice to. :-)
I think the very short answer is, it depends on so many different variables and perspectives that it is down to individuals to work out for themselves.
What most aren't good at is defining their own boundaries then taking action if they are breached. Mr nice guys are especially bad at sticking with them and will allow themselves to be backed into a corner as they think it will keep the peace, when a good bit of standing their ground would actually be the right thing to do and get the matter sorted out quicker.
If boundaries are well defined and consequences laid out then when a breach occurs, following through is then required, each of these steps is tough and many fail on each or all of them.
If you breach someone else's boundaries it could be that either they aren't well defined (usually because the person setting them think they should be obvious and don't need to be set) or it is a wilful act on your part to promote a reaction and test their fortitude, a bit like children with their parent(s).
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
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