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Originally Posted By: Sotto
Hi Avanti, welcome to the MLC area of the forum. I follow along and post from time to time in newcomers. But from what you post, it certainly sounds as though your W may well be in MLC. I had to smile about moving from the nice big family home to the trailer, plus escaping on the sailboat. It very much sounds as though she needed to step out of life for a while.

It may well be with the long work hours that there was some running away already and one of the things that comes from this current experience may ultimately be getting some more balance in her life.

Does the OM being 'first love' make a difference to MLC? I have no idea!! I can see the wistfulness associated with a lost first love. And a feature of MLC is going back and having 'one more go' at parts of your life. I would think that with this - as with any A - it will likely fizzle out at some point. The wistfulness of teen romance is very different to coping with ex-partners, kids from each previous M, a caravan etc. If their R is able to develop into a supportive and loving partnership, I will be very much surprised.

Anyway, you already know much about the DB approach and are off to a good start. However, this part of the forum does provide particular insight into the journey that MLC takes us on, which is helpful. You may find it useful to have a read of Cali's threads if you haven't already. He and his W are reconnecting after a couple of years apart.

Good luck to you my friend xx

Sotto, what a pleasure it is to have a fellow name changer dropping by. I feel very honoured to have such a respected poster take an interest. Thank you for your welcome and input.

You are right the long working hours might have been part of her running away but a lot of them were spent right in the middle of the main area of family home where everyone could see her, but were hesitant to interrupt her for fear of being scolded and told that she needed to work. I think it was more of her obsession to be perfect than anything else, she felt that she had to be twice as good as any man in her job to be half as respected. Which may have applied when she first started work but I don't think it's quite so relevant now, or am I being naive?

She won't have to worry about his kids as he doesn't have any, not sure if it's through choice or not.


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kml, thank you for dropping by and for your input, it is much appreciated. It sounds like you see the first love connection as being very strong and something that's tough to over come. I am glad that you've found a better fit in your life and thanks to this forum I am confident that one day I will find one too, whether that's a new R with my W or someone else.

She isn't quite at the menopause stage yet, there's a few years to go but she suspected that she's going to get there early as she was suffering from hot sweats quite and lot.

The day that she left was the day of a funeral of her only surviving aunt, who she wasn't that close to, but it must have triggered some feelings regarding her own death. One of the reasons my S won't talk to her is because she was texting with OM while we were in the hearse as "she needed support", her two children (and husband) sitting beside her not being enough was a step too far for him as their relationship was quite fractured due to here overworking anyway.

My D described my W as behaving like a teenager, she told her to grow up that was met with "but I am happy now and you should be happy for me".

At the moment, I think she's probably running away from her past life, as she doesn't have a great relationship with her mum, nor her sister (who is out of the country and her mum goes to see quite frequently, so guess who's seen as favorite D). As her S won't speak to her (she said to my D when they met that "there's only so much you can do", so she appears to have given up with him) she only has her D to speak with and apparently that's not that often and it's more like a friend to friend relationship, links to silly pictures and the like, plus my D just tells her she's not seeing things straight, she may well be thinking that she has to start her life all over again and doing different things is the only way to do that.

In fact, when she gave me the ILYBNILWY speech, she said that we both had the chance to rebuild our lives again as we are both young enough.


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Originally Posted By: Avanti
That's pretty bleak job, one success story and so many LBS as a result of MLC. There does seem to be a sticky thread featuring other success stories but a lot of them are now no longer available suggesting the number of success stories has warned, is this true?

I've tried a good number of what is available quite recently and time is a big feature with change happening at unexpected and sometimes points that are to late as the LBS has moved on.

What it has brought home to me is that working on my healing and development sounds like it's even more important than I thought. The reality seems to have greater odds of my finding, at some point, an R with someone else than my W. Which is sad, but if that's the way it is, that's the way it is...

Frankly, if my W ends up with a subsequent OM, that will be a step too far over a boundary and the door to her will be forever closed. She did say that if it all goes wrong with her first love that she wouldn't come back to me, she'd find someone else, it was definitely over between us, but I know the rule of believing nothing a WS says.


I think there are several factors involved with the "success rates"... A few you yourself have already posted up as deal breakers if your W "crosses that boundary"

When I first discovered that my W was not infact BiPolar as I was lead to believe, but going through a MLC crisis .....besides the fairly depressing "success rate" as you posted ... Was of these, how few were men like me with a MLC W. Over the past couple years I've learned it may very well be more about the LBH than the MLCr , as you will possibly discover there comes a point when you realize you have much more power in this crisis than you think, the chance for your M is more in your hands than hers. It's honestly about how long you decide to have that door cracked open while still being able to work on yourself and actually do that without being pulled through the hell with her. When you get to a point where you have rebuilt yourself to a point you no longer feel like you are going to be ok, it's that juncture where it is very easy to go ahead and close the door and move forward.

This is not easy, regardless of the outcome... For me it was a journey that gave me a second chance at life... Again that has nothing to do with my W, was all about me and the changes I needed to make. Just so happens by the time I arrived to a place of strength W seemed to peek out of the fog a bit and I realized I would have to start a new R with someone regardless .... If I had a chance to do that with W, give my S a shot at a family ... I was open to that, to atleast try .... But knowing I was going to be just fine either way.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Thank you Caliguy for stopping by and for the very valuable input.

I too had spotted the lack of W's in MLC, so did wonder, still wonder if it is that mine is simply a WW with MLC tendencies. The world is full of greys and everyone seems hell bent on making everything black and white.

I think that working on yourself to reach the point you very eloquently described is important, time is, as you say the other factor. How long I am prepared to leave the door ajar before it gets too draughty and move on as I realise my life will become whole with or without your S, is unknown and up to me to find that point of readiness.

I feel I am making good progress on the former, the latter part I do not want to rush as that would be wishing my life away. My patience grows daily and my GAL activities are keeping me in a good place, have got three activities lined up for this week already, and I'm fitter now and in better shape than I've ever been, which feels great.

I've read a few times that the number of months it takes to achieve the greatest level of acceptance and peace is the same as the number of years that you've been married, in my case that's two years of self discovery. For a while this scared me, how long!? But now, it simply feels like ~24 (20 now) months where I can focus solely on me and know that there will come a time when I am ready to truly move on, with or without my W. I don't see this as an absolute number, more a guide, it may end up less, it may end up more, who knows? The answer is nobody, so I'm not worrying about it.


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Hi Avanti - just wanted to chime in to say :

Originally Posted By: Avanti
Frankly, if my W ends up with a subsequent OM, that will be a step too far over a boundary and the door to her will be forever closed. She did say that if it all goes wrong with her first love that she wouldn't come back to me, she'd find someone else, it was definitely over between us, but I know the rule of believing nothing a WS says.


Yep, that was what I said and that is what my h said -

Yet here I am considering giving my h another chance despite an ow having been in the picture and me stating if he ever has s%x with another women my door would be firmly shut and here is h wanting me back after categorically telling me it is over and he will never come back to me so I should move on with someone else.

For now I would put reconciliation with your w out of your mind and focus on you and moving forwards with your life. Only you can decide what is acceptable to you and the boundaries that she can and can't cross, but try to keep an open mind as feelings can and do change.

Honestly (and I will never admit this to my h) but him leaving me has made me who I am today, a better and stronger version of my old self. Whilst I NEVER wanted this to happen to us, I have used this time well and it's put me back in control of my life. If my r works out with my h, it will be because I choose it to now.

I know its hard to put your w and what she is doing and saying into the background, they have a knack of shoving their way back into our lives and spinning it around just when we are feeling a little ok about it. You sound like you know what the drill is - detach, ignore their crazy antics and move forwards with your own life. Easier said than done I know, but I know you can do this :o)

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Thank you for your dropping by and for your input, it really is appreciated.

While I am reading up on your sitch, what was the timescale from your H's BD to him saying he wanted to come back? Years, months? I know it won't be weeks?

I appreciate that things do change over time and that something said now might be revised later. As a reforming mr nice guy (and they really aren't nice, no matter what they'd like you to think) I am keen to have firm boundaries as one of the failings of a mr nice guy is continually backing up, even against the wall, as they think that it'll keep the peace. Sometimes a really solid, this is the line, cross it and we are done, clearly stated is what needs to happen so that everyone knows where things stand. It can also stop a sitch from dragging on and on and on when there really isn't any hope. I am not closed to moving boundaries but need firm grounds to do so nowadays and what those grounds are need to be pretty darn attractive.


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Hi Avanti -

BD for me was April 14, he left June 14, he contacted me in May 15 in a mess and full of regrets and it's only been over the past few weeks that he has let his feelings known about wanting to be in my life again. However looking back his crisis started showing in 2000, he came out and simmered for a couple yrs and then wham, full force. He did not cheat on me (swears to this day), ow came on scene after he moved away, about 6 weeks after he left.

It is different for everyone here. My h certainly is not out of crisis yet and this could just be a touch and go for him so things are going extremely slowly in my camp - this is a long road and only you can decide when enough is enough.

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Thank you for your input LouR and for dropping by.

What level of communication did you have with your H while he was "away"? Did you talk/email/text regularly, or was it very sporadic with long gaps? Has he given any cluses as to why he had the change of heart and whether it rushed up on him, or slowly crept up?

It certainly seems that year(s) apply rather than months. My W is pressing hard to get the D but I guess in her head things we haven't been together for a long time so 4 months is reasonable to start pushing things through.

I am not that resistive to getting the D as I only see it as a piece of paper nothing more, but do find myself reacting to L letters trying to force things along by taking longer to respond. The harder I am pressed the less I move, is that a bit childish?


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Hi Avanti

I went NC in October 14, h emailed me end of Nov regarding finance stuff, all very clinical. I then went travelling (GAL extreme lol) and he emailed me in Feb 15 in which he talked about our sx2 and general chit chat. That was it until Mid March when I returned to NZ because my c needed me back due to h neglecting their needs. I was so angry with him, treating our s so badly and putting ow and her c first. He happened to ring my s18 and I had just landed, he spoke to me and I really went for the jugular - not my finest hour, but necessary for me.

That was it until May when he rang me. He was in a mess, so sad and confused about everything. We talked for an hour and he confessed that he had been thinking about me and started having feelings for me. That was the start of contact again - still me doing nc - He told me he wants me and asked if I would consider having him back a few weeks ago, but it has not been that simple and we are doing the reconnection dance atm. Current contact is hit and miss, sometimes every day and sometimes once a week, I have just gone back to nc to get myself back to detaching myself as I have got too close to the situation.

From what he has said it has been a gradual thing and very unsettling for him - he was in a relationship with ow and found himself thinking about me more and more. His answers do change, you must know he is still going through crisis and finding himself, but he told me last week it was time and me giving him space to discover things for himself that bought this about. He also said that he had wanted to contact me many times but did not feel he had the right to do so.

I really did remove myself from his life, I was in a position to do that because my c were grown up. I have had amazing support from everyone here, keeping me going and pushing me along. This is more about you than your w now, you will find this out as time goes on. Its a bizarre thing to say but you have to let her go to have any chance of her coming back. During this time I worked on me, I have changed beyond anything I could have imagined I could be, its been a journey of discovery for both of us - h has learnt that the grass isn't greener on the other side and I have learnt that I am a strong independant woman who can do anything I put my mind to ....

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Thank you for being so open LouR.

I too have grownup kids and significant savings, so could go travelling, it's not really me though.

What I find interesting is that your H didn't press for a D. He simply trotted off into his own world and didn't think about the financial side. Maybe your finances were well divided already...? Not looking for personal detail just an understanding of why such a significant matter didn't enter his thoughts.


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
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