Need advice for a WW who left Part 4

[dwh15]

Spoke to my sister-in-law (one of WW's sisters) tonight for 30 minutes. Found out even more lies that WW has been telling, this time to her own sister and some other supposedly good friends. As people talk and exchange stories, the truth eventually comes out. So now even more friends are backing away from her. Her own sister, who initially urged me to hang on and try to make amends, is now encouraging me to let go, move on, and get custody of the kids.

I don't know what's going on, but there is more here than infidelity. WW has become selfish in the extreme, and adopted a stance of lying whenever and to whomever she pleases to get what she wants. I certainly won't be setting up any more meetings with her, or trying to reason. I can't trust a word she says. It was quite a wakeup call speaking to her sister tonight, who is one of the nicest, most caring, and generous people I know. WW is losing friends and family all around her. She's surrounded herself with a new social circle composed almost entirely of OM's friends. I am seriously starting to suspect a possible substance abuse issue, which my own sister has maintained for months now, and that is what she does - substance abuse counseling for women.

I guess it doesn't matter what the reasons are, but I know I can't trust WW at all, and need to try and separate her out of my life as much as possible. The woman I married and knew before has been replaced by a monster. I hope that some how, some day, she can start to at least partially resemble who she was, but I don't see it happening for a very long time. Thanks everyone for the support. I'll keep updating as the custody dispute unfolds.

[angel r]

you are a very strong man, hang in there buddy. I am also going through a dilemma with my WW and daughters. My wife left the house and opted to live in a woman shelter with my 3 yr old and 8 month old. What a selfish act, to place my daughters in those situations. Now I am in the middle of filing for full 100 percent custody of those girls in order to get them out from that awful place. Take a look at my thread and give me some advise.

[dwh15]

you are a very strong man, hang in there buddy. I am also going through a dilemma with my WW and daughters. My wife left the house and opted to live in a woman shelter with my 3 yr old and 8 month old. What a selfish act, to place my daughters in those situations. Now I am in the middle of filing for full 100 percent custody of those girls in order to get them out from that awful place. Take a look at my thread and give me some advise.

A shelter? That's just awful man. I'll read up on your sitch and give some thoughts.

So I had to go through tonight and fill out a bunch of court documents for tomorrow. Nothing like breaking down 24 years of history together with a person you loved into a business transaction. It's just so cold. I got through it but this whole D process has really whittled away most of my leftover feelings of love for WW. I've come to realize that even though I will always have some love for her deep in my heart, I cannot see ever being with her again.

The further out I get from DDay, and start to objectively see what she's done, it makes me lose all respect for the person she has become. This wasn't a brief lapse in judgement. WW calculated against me and lied for years to cover up her alternate reality. And it wasn't just limited to me. I'm finding out that she has lied to just about anyone close to her, including most of her friends and family, and not just about her multiple affairs. She lies to gain advantage, or use people to get what she wants.

That, combined with the utter lack of any compassion for me at all, and very little for her own children, has caused me to re-evaluate her as a person, and I don't like what I see. I honestly do hope that something in her life hits her hard enough that it starts to bring her out of the fog, or awakens the person she used to be. But I believe that day will be a very long time coming, if ever. At that point, maybe the two of us could be friends, but I no longer even hope for it. She is someone that I would not even choose to be around, except for the fact that we share 4 children.

It's a very sad realization for me, and sad for my boys. When I talk about their mother with them, I try to focus on the more distant past, before she transformed into this selfish being, and was a beautiful, caring, compassionate woman. Those are times I can think about and smile. I will never regret the years we spent together, or the 4 beautiful children we created out of that time. In fact, those 4 kids are now my driving force in life and mean more to me than anything. But I do wish things could have turned out differently. I can only keep doing my best to improve, and hope that life has a plan in store, and one day this will all just be a distant, sad chapter.

[EyeTie]

WW's live in a fantasy world. They will lie and manipulate those around them, making up excuses for their selfish behavior. My WW has told people that I was physically, emotionally and mentally abusive. 90% of the people who know me who have heard this, know she is lying. It's the other 10% that believe her BS.

[dwh15]

So WW ended up catching a nasty flu bug the day after our custody hearing and has had to miss both Wed and Fri with the kids. I spoke to her on the phone and could tell she sounded miserable. I like to think of it as a nice big karma bus, but however you look at it, not a fun week for her. She got killed in the hearing, then days on end of feeling like warmed over poo. Not a fun time.

I, on the other hand, went out to a bar last night with a new single guy friend, and had a great time. He's recently widowed for a few months, and still hurting, but overall just a fun guy to be around. We spent some time talking about each of our situations, but also took some time to have fun. Even got hit on by a couple of women. I'm not looking for a relationship, but it's a huge confidence booster to realize that women still find you attractive.

So I told him we have to make that a regular thing. I'm starting to really believe that I'm going to be just fine, and shouldn't have any trouble dating when I'm ready. In fact, I'm even looking forward to it. Been a long time since I got to experience the thrill of getting to know a new woman. And I don't think I spent more than a few minutes the entire night thinking about WW. I was focused on the moment and really enjoying just being out. Finally, I'm starting to see a little light at the end of this long dark tunnel

[Vanilla]

It seems like the hearing gave a balanced and fair evaluation. You had your ducks in a row and papers schedules etc. Makes a lot of difference Dwh, something that the rest of us can take from your sitch. I read a little acceptance in your words, as if a door to the past is softly closing.

You have come a long way, I am so proud of you., looking after your children.

I am not surprised WW stress overcame her and she caught a bug, her lifestyle isn't helpful in that regard.

V

[dwh15]

Thank you V. I just realized that I forgot to mention outcome of the custody hearing. Yes, it went very much in my favor. The lady who interviewed us was on top of her game and quickly established the history of what was going on with the kids. The fact that WW had abandoned the marital home, had spent very little time with the children over past few months, and they had rarely spent an overnight, was critical in establishing me as the primary parent. Fortunately, WW for the most part admitted everything, but of course tried to spin it in a way that this was all my fault, and that she really wanted to spend more time with the kids.

In the end it didn't matter. WW was grilled about OM. She was asked how long she had known him, whether she had run a criminal background check, etc. It was almost entertaining to watch WW squirm as the questions kept rolling. Her primary strategy seemed to be trying to paint me as a bad guy, which involved nothing more than the fact I was suddenly doing all kinds of fun stuff with the kids and buying them things just to make her look bad. Oh, and discouraging them to spend time with mom, which is of course totally untrue.

So after we get done, the final judgement is that S16 and S10, both special needs, are with me 100% of the time. WW gets visitation 2 days/week between 5-9pm, plus every other Saturday afternoon. She will get S8 every other weekend from Friday 5pm to Sunday 5pm. Otherwise he is with me. S18 didn't come into the picture as he's a legal adult. So I really couldn't have asked for a better outcome, considering WW wanted a 50-50 split across the board. She wasn't happy at all, and really spewed the venom after we got out of the hearing, but I simply ignored her, got in my car and left. She tells me she plans to continue trying for 50-50, and I fully expect it, but I know that once initial custody is established it is difficult to get it changed, and the burden of proof will be on WW to show it's in best interest of the kids.

So I feel very good about the custody, and do think it's best for everyone involved right now. If WW ever gets to the point she's fully invested as a mother again and can prioritize the kids over OM and all the other distractions in her life, then I would be happy to discuss a gradual transition to the kids spending more time with her. But I will no longer be bullied or cave to any of her wayward manipulations. My focus is now on me and my boys; if WW ever straightens out her life, maybe she can be in a bigger part of ours, but if not, we will continue moving ahead w/o her.

And as the final icing on the cake, WW told me a few weeks ago she had only filed for D because she needed financial help and I refused to give it to her anymore. With this custody arrangement, she will owe me child support, not the other way around. Talk about a backfire. Of course I'll be on the hook for spousal support, but she won't be getting anywhere near the paycheck she figured.

[Ancaire]

Yeah! I'm so happy this worked out so well for you and your children. You're doing so well, you really are a great example to the rest of us.

[dwh15]

Thank You Ancaire. WW came over this morning and picked up the kids to take to lunch. She had not seen them in over a week, and they were really starting to miss her. I know she was very sick, so I don't hold the last few days against her, and thought it was nice she wanted to take them out.

She stopped into the house for maybe 5 min and made some small talk. It's still hard to see her. I still think she's beautiful and do love her, and miss our time together as a family. I almost asked if I could come along to lunch, but thought better of it and bit my tongue. I didn't want to intrude on her time with the boys, and I realize it's not a good idea to set the kids up with false expectations about how things are going to be from now on.

So I felt a little depressed for a few minutes, especially with the house being empty. But I put on some music, got to doing some housework, and eventually snapped out of it. WW dropped the boys off 90 minutes later, and didn't bother coming in again. Probably the last time I'll see her for another week or two. I'm doing a lot better at rebounding from the emotional swings, but still hard sometimes. Friends who have been through divorce told me it will probably be another year before I really start to feel totally normal again. Ugh. But it is much easier than before, so I'll keep chugging along.

[sandi2]

You make it fine until she pops into the house and doesn't try to take your head off.

The time you had that three hour conversation, saying it was fun, almost slammed you back down. I don't think a person should do this to themselves when at this critical self-survival stage. Maybe one day you can, but while she is wayward, and you are still vulnerable to her physical looks and feeling the love for her........bringing up old times, hanging out, and having a three hour nice conversation is havoc on the LBS. Things have not changed. Every time you are tempted to get pulled in, tell yourself "things have not changed".

I know she was very sick, so I don't hold the last few days against her, and thought it was nice she wanted to take them out.

You thought it was nice of their own mother to take out her kids for an hour and half........after not seeing them for several days?

Look how your brain starts jumping the tracks as soon as she acts just a little civil.

. I almost asked if I could come along to lunch, but thought better of it and bit my tongue. I didn't want to intrude on her time with the boys, and I realize it's not a good idea to set the kids up with false expectations about how things are going to be from now on.

For crying out loud, DWH! What were you thinking? Things have not changed. She has not changed.

So I felt a little depressed for a few minutes, especially with the house being empty. But I put on some music, got to doing some housework, and eventually snapped out of it. WW dropped the boys off 90 minutes later, and didn't bother coming in again. Probably the last time I'll see her for another week or two. I'm doing a lot better at rebounding from the emotional swings, but still hard sometimes. Friends who have been through divorce told me it will probably be another year before I really start to feel totally normal again. Ugh. But it is much easier than before, so I'll keep chugging along.

That's great! At least you took action to force yourself out of that depressed stage. Just imagine how far back it would have set you, if you had asked to join her?

It may, or may not, take as long as it took your friends. I hope it won't.

I admire a man who takes full custody of two children with special needs. It says something about the kind of person you are.

You are going to make it. You will be okay, DWH. ((hugs))