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New here, so here's my sitch

H developed new best friendship that was one of our mutual friends in April. I considered her a really good friend. Physical lines blurred while drinking (footsie and back rubbing. ) we argued weekly about me thinking they were too close may - june. I feel they developed an EA. H states "just best friends" I gave up and said I'm gonna trust him. Confronted H mid July about the missing friendship in our M, that is when he said I love you but I'm not in love with you. Feels disconnected emotionally. I had no idea. We never fought before may and I had always trusted him completely.

H left home 8/15 to sleep at friends now going on two months. Says he needs time and space. We still hangout sometimes the two of us, but usually with the kids. We are in EFT but he is not putting much effort in. He expect the counselor to just fix it.
Said spending time with me is not the most fun thing and that we have nothing in common. He feels he has nothing to talk to me about and does not engage well in conversation other than a little about the kids and maybe one or two things then he's done.
At first I was being pushy but I backed off and that helped, but now I feel like he likes status quo and is not motivated to really "work" on R. We did discernment counseling and he said he does not want a D.
Ahh... What do I do from here? Lrt? HELP!

M-11 T-16
S 8 & 6

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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Hi CMW. I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Have you read either Divorce Busters or Divorce Remedy? That would be a good start.

You're familiar with LRT? In your situation, I don't think that's the best approach to start with. Has your H given you any specific things he objects to? You need a starting point, and I wasn't quite clear from your introduction.

For now, just take long deep breaths. More people will chime in with help, too. Do your best to avoid arguments or relationship talks until you have a chance to figure out what's wrong.

It will be okay.


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
BD: 08/2015 - D filed & OW disc: 09/2015

"Surrender to What Is, Let Go of What Was, Have Faith in What Will Be." -S Ricotti
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Originally Posted By: JudyL
You're familiar with LRT? In your situation, I don't think that's the best approach to start with.


Hmmmm...Im not really sure I totally agree with this. Yeah, I guess you are going to counseling, but it sounds like it's just so he can say "I went". From your description, I am guessing that his opinion is that the M is already over, and he is just "going through the motions". He may not want a divorce, but right now, he doesnt really want to married either. Im not suggesting you fall off of the earth at this point, but...where to begin?

In my opinion, read the homework, read the book(s), and especially the 37 rules. And start from square one - starting over with a beginner's mind.

You can do this, cmw.

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Hello cmjh04,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

It's hard to know if LRT is the best strategy is best without more information.

It would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our program at 303-444-7004.


Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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Hi sorry your here but follow cadets advice and links and this will enlighten you as to where your H might be right now and your best way of help you get through this time

Take care. Rd


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