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lost11 Offline OP
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kml - Sometimes I think you may be right - I may decide I don't want him back when he decides he wants to work things out. And that thought kind of scares me. I know things can never be the way they were and I deserve for them to be better.

LouR- thanks for sharing it does help to hear that things can turnaround.

I do think he considers me plan B - I am the safe, predictable bet for him.


Me 33 H 29
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BD 6/29/15
He Moved Out 8/2/15
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Just keep your expectations at zero at all times. No one knows if your spouse will come out of this and what they will be like if/when they do. Some are full of remorse and sadness for the destruction and pain they have caused and some are not.

This journey is about you now so focus on rebuilding yourself.

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lost11 Offline OP
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I heard from my MIL the other day. It seems things are not going so well for m H. He has a big event at the store this weekend, which he is stressed about. Apparently there is also an event in the street in front of the store, where they are closing off the street. So access to the store is going to be limited. The last couple weeks in the store haven't been as good as the previous months and customers have been annoying him.

Our anniversary is next week. I doubt I will hear from him. Do any of you hear from your WAS at your anniversary?

I have been keeping myself busy. Went shopping yesterday and I will spend most of the weekend with my niece and nephew. Then I am out of town for work the first couple days next week. I travel a fair amount with my job - it averages about once a month. It is always nice to get away, even if it is for work and not pleasure.

The counselor told me to set some goals for myself for the next couple months and the next year. I have never been much of a goal setter, so this is definitely something new (and challenging) for me.

I hope everyone is doing well and thanks for the support!


Me 33 H 29
M 4 T 6
BD 6/29/15
He Moved Out 8/2/15
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Hi lost - My 24th anniversary is tomorrow so will let you know if h acknowledges it or not. Last year he text "weird day, not sure what to say" !!

Glad to see you are keeping busy and doing things with people you love. Its good to have goals, be realistic with them, have achievable ones and maybe a way out one that you can dream about lol. Mine is to buy a house by the sea .........one day ....just need to win the lottery first ha ha. But setting yourself targets to head towards is good, even if it is just to get through a week without crying - which was one of my early ones !!

Well Done, you are doing well and moving in a forwards direction. Have a good weekend.

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lost11 Offline OP
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Thanks LouR. The logical part of me knows either way I will come out of this situation better. Sometimes I have a hard time convincing my heart.

I heard from H yesterday. The bank we were banking at for the store changed hands and he must not have gotten the new debit card. He was just asking if I had gotten any mail for him from the bank. Almost accusing me of not getting him his mail. He has forwarded his mail to his new address and I have gotten any mail for him for over a month.

He was all business in his email, so I responded in kind letting him know I hadn't received any of his mail. I am guessing he either didn't receive the new debit card yet or he threw it away thinking it was junk mail. I knew the bank changed hands, but did not tell him. I had debated about telling him, but I figured he would find out eventually.

Oh well, he can think what he wants to think about me. I would not do anything to deliberately hurt him.


Me 33 H 29
M 4 T 6
BD 6/29/15
He Moved Out 8/2/15
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lost11 Offline OP
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Tomorrow is our 4th anniversary. I am hoping for some kind of response from H, but I am not really expecting anything.

I just got back from my work trip and I am planning to spend tomorrow with my niece and nephews - they are good distractions for me - the oldest is 13 and the youngest is 4.

It seems like after every trip I take, I get a new perspective on my situation.

Hope everyone is doing well!


Me 33 H 29
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It's good practice to keep your expectations very low when you are dealing w/someone in crisis. You just never know what they will or won't do. If you get a card, thank him. They love to be recognized for their efforts.

Enjoy the time you spend with your niece and nephew. They are definitely good distractions!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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lost11 Offline OP
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Thanks job.

I did not hear anything from him on our anniversary. Today he contacted me about business matters related to the store. He was all business and I responded the same way. At least he waited until today to contact me. It would have been really crappy for him to contact me on our anniversary with strictly business issues.

Yesterday was a good day with my family. I seem to get better everyday. I am sad he is gone, but I am trying to do my own thing. For now, I hope that he comes back, but I am not sure if he will.


Me 33 H 29
M 4 T 6
BD 6/29/15
He Moved Out 8/2/15
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lost11 Offline OP
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Last night was rough for me. We usually took a weekend trip to celebrate our anniversary and I think it is starting to get to me.

I spent some time with H sister and mom yesterday. H seems to be acting nasty to everyone he knows from his former life before the store. I am not sure how he is acting with people from the store and his new friends there.

He apparently told his mom that during our last discussion over a month ago, he was trying to be amicable and I was just nasty to him. He told her I said he was worth nothing without me. It is amazing how he can twist that conversation so much.

During that conversation, he started it off by saying after he had been away from me for a month that he was happier than he had been for three years - we've only been married for 4 now. So basically he told me he had been unhappy for most of our marriage and now that he is away from me he is so happy. Then he proceeded to tell me that when he bought the engagement ring, he felt he had 2 choices, to dump me or to marry me. How is that being amicable? Then at the end of the conversation I asked him if he regretted marrying me. He said no, I enjoyed all of our experiences. I interrupted him and said "and the store?" He then stormed out. Now he is twisting that and saying I told him he was worth nothing? At least his family doesn't believe that I told him that.

He is making me out to be this horrible person. He is the one that left out of the blue without even trying. Now he is making me seem like this evil person. I know he is just trying to justify leaving that way. He may also believe it, who knows?

I guess hearing how he is portraying me, makes me realize he is not coming back anytime soon, if ever. That makes me sad. It also makes me sad that he can think such bad things about me, especially when none of it is true.

Sorry for the rant! I know things will get better and I don't want him back the way he is being right not. Sometimes, it is just hard to convince my heart.


Me 33 H 29
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BD 6/29/15
He Moved Out 8/2/15
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I'm sorry that you had a rough day yesterday. I do hope that you have something nice planned for today.

MLCers do act nasty and distant w/old friends, co-workers and family. Their new friends become they best buds and they become the focal point in their lives.

MLCers rewrite history and say that they've been unhappy 1, 2, 3 and more years of the relationship. If they had been that unhappy for that many years, you would have known it. So, take this MLC lingo w/a grain of salt. They tend to twist things around and yes, at that moment, they believe what they are saying.

MLCers tend to vilify us in order to justify what they are doing. They can't look in the mirror and admit that they are doing something wrong. It has to use and the relationship that is causing them to be so unhappy.

Leave him to his crisis. You can't rationalize w/him right now because he's emotional and isn't thinking as clearly as he should be. He's playing the victim and "me" game of life right now.

Try to keep the focus on you. It will take time, but you will need to detach a bit more. Take care of yourself.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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