It's very strange to be writing here again. I never intended to be gone for so long (2 years) but I guess life just happened, for one, and for some reasons I couldn't access divorcebusting.com from any connection in this country. Almost as if the website had been banned over here. Not all ad though, as it forced me to stay away and commit to GAL the way I should have at the beginning. I wish I could have better, more encourading news for all who had been following me however, after two years of GAL, my marriage is pretty much at the same place it was, perhaps even worse in many ways, but on the up-side, I am now a lot closer to the man I want to be. I remember reading 25yearsmlc 's extensive list of GAL activities, wondering how one person can do all of these things and looking back at the last two years, I find that I have also pushed the borders of my comfort zone and accomplished things I never dreamed of. Althought my W is still with her OM, and living in a different city many hours away, her life seems to have gotten worse despite her claims to happiness. At 42, she now lives in a boarding house with her OM, works a lot a small jobs making little money and has only seen our D10 3 times for about 3 days each over the last 9 months. I don't usually contact her except to talk about the kid and the bills and when she contacts me, she still spews venom which I have gotten very good at dealing with. I am always loving and caring towards her but more in a respectful, courteous way one might be towards a parent than as a husband, and no matter what I do, she finds fault with by often distorting the truth, or should I say looking at it from her very own perspective. I still occasionally get affected by it but I no longer show her how it affects me. She is now contacting my friends to find out details about my private life, often befriending people she only met through my online social networks. She asks female friends of mine if we are involved and tells them that we would be a good couple, and such things, but I never acknowledge this behaviour. She is also "secretly" planning to take my daughter away (I know this because she tells my friends and people I work with about it and she asked my D10 if she would like to go live in the other city with her - my daughter said no, that she was happy with me and that this is where her home was, followed by I like daddy's friends better). This of course bothers me a bit, not so much for the fact that my D10 would spend time with her mom but because my W doesn't seem to have any resources to take care of her now so I wonder how she would take care of her if D10 was with her. Perhaps she would like me to send money her way to help which would probably improve my W's financial situation. I've always said that I would like custody but also have always said that I wouldn't fight her for it and that I would never put my D10 in a position to choose between the two of us. I'm just hoping for the best on this on. My own life has progressed a lot, and I have managed to accomplish many things and to meet many new friends. My social life is very active but other than a short relationship over a year ago (more on this later...perhaps), I am still single and standing for my marriage. My professional life is very busy as well and I am doing things which I never thought would be possible a few years back. I know co-own a small cafe, I manage a Blues band which is doing very well and plays on national TV weekly. I have taken up salsa classes, I have written a script and produced and co-directed a music video, to name but a few of the things which occupies my life. This has given me the strength to carry on and somehow, I can honestly say that I feel happy in my life. I have managed to resolve my anger issues through meditation and my passive aggressive behaviour is mostly thing of the past. My circle of friends has increased dramatically and I find myself so busy all the time that I have little time to think about my marital life. My daughter is happy, although she misses her mom. We give our prayers for her each night and often talk about the good times we had together. Whenever my W comes around we plan to make her stay here as pleasant as possible and I always make sure that I step back to let them have their own time together, and to my surprise, at times my W will include me in their activities, which I sometimes join. My focus now is to be the best person I can be, for myself and for my daughter. I have realised that nothing I can do will affect my W and that as long as she is with OM, there is nothing I can do to sway her. I keep the path smooth, and I have mentioned on occasion to let me know if she needed anything. I also do not judge her or criticise her. I try to empathise withher and I realise that being her right now must be very difficult, but that is her own path, and for her to sort out. I know that not all marriage survive and I am mostly accepting of the fact that mine might not, but until I am ready to move away from it, I won't do anything to make it worse. I stay the course until it is no longer convenient. I am open for love but I am not looking for it. If one day I happen to meet someone I care for I will tell her everything I am living through and perhaps, will then ask for a divorce. Until that day, the paper which is all that is left of my marriage doesn't need to be reversed. I don't know if I still love my wife, but I try to maintain what is left of our former love in my heart. When I get outbursts of anger in my mind, thinking about what happened (these still happen sometimes)I can usually talk myself out of it and focus on the beautiful things about my W. Most of these thought belong to a distant past but they still help to appease my anger. I've also taken up drawing and when I feel negativity, a draw portraits of my W. It helps reminding me of the beauty in her, and it acts as pacifier. Right or wrong, we each find our own ways of coping. Thinking back of my days here, over 2 years ago I remember feeling confused by some of the people trying to push their own ways on others, and judging (even insulting) others for dong what they thought they should. I now realise that many people deal with the intense pain by resorting to anger. I feel for these people and if I have one piece of advice for anyone reading this, it's to go your own way and always put love first. When in doubt, love is always the right thing to do. i don't mean by this that you should admit your undying love to your spouse, but that if you don't know what to do, look within your heart and see what love would do. Love isn't vengeful, or blaming. Love never tries to hurt and love isn't selfish. You may not save your marriage but at one point, saving yourself becomes more important, and no matter what happens to my life, I know that I will never make my own story a sad, angry miserable one. I know that in ten years, I will not regret my present actions because doing the right (loving) thing is never wrong.
I hope to be able to access this site again soon to read updates on the people who supported me a few years back. I also hope that my message isn't one of despair. I see where I am now, not as a failure to save my marriage, but as a success in saving myself. I still believe that my W might be going through MLC and in the end, if my marriage is to be saved, I need to be strong enough to be there for her. I need to find myself again, and this is the journey I am travelling now.
Love to all.
Arsene
Here are the links to my previous threads from 2 years ago.
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Wow, what a long sitch! Good on you for keeping to the path of DB.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Arsene, I just read through your story, rarely let myself on these threads for the very reasons you mention above but was looking for success stories. I just want to say that I was very blessed by what you wrote in several threads, including this one, and that you have no doubt helped many standers who stumbled across it. You have a beautiful soul and it seems to me a very perfect outlook on your marriage, your wife and your whole life, one that is very hard to attain. I can only do it in moments, with God's help. I pray that one day your marriage is restored. And your daughter is so blessed to have your life as a model for how to live a life.
- Gerda
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
