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#2610093 09/25/15 10:12 PM
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adinva Offline OP
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It's time for a new thread for a new phase. I turned a corner in May and decided that the discomfort of continuing in this uncertain state is finally greater than the fear of facing the unknown future. Although my H had done nothing since he gave me his draft property settlement agreement in late 2012, i decided to carve out whatever time is needed to get this over with. We are shooting for one final joint tax filing and then finalizing divorce hopefully in early 2016. I feel good. I still dont know exactly why H left, but he's been emotionally completely gone for such a long time that I can confidently say I did everything I could and this marriage is over.

H is cooperating so far with the financial advisor who is helping us intelligently divide our assets. We both are motivated to avoid court.

When I arrived here in DB I was so sure I could save my marriage if I followed all the steps perfectly, but I was wrong. I did however save ME and I will never be a bitter victim no matter how the money turns out. I had many good times, and have two wonderful sons, and no regrets.

Since i'm back here journaling again I hope to reacquaint myself with the Surviving folks and appreciate this place more than I can say. It really got me through some bad times.

I'm pretty excited to feel free to date next year, and I've been following wii very carefully so I'll know how to make a good online dating profile.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
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Happiness is a warm puppy.
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Ok, but feel free to use the bathroom mirror selfie...I think I was being a bit of a hardass lol! Hey, seeing the end of the tunnel can be liberating and I'm with you, DBing saved ME and maybe helped create the strange but desirable parenting relationship I have with my ex. She came to my baptism...how many divorced couples do that! But don't jump to fast into the online dating world 'cuz it is an emotional rollercoaster and you need to have your sh!t together when you do it...not sure I do yet lol.


Divorced February 27, 2012.

"Only by love is love awakened".~ Ellen G White
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adinva Offline OP
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So can I do my bathroom mirror selfie while wearing a bikini and cowboy hat and kissing my dog, with shades on?

Thanks for the warning... I'm hoping that when the paperwork is behind me i'll have my sh!t together for dating. Some of my DB friends are remarried already for Pete's sake, and they werent exactly rushing things. I've been In this process for going on 5 years! I'm ready to share my time with someone, but will try not to be impetuous.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,906
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Glad you are back here my friend. Post often and let us know if you need guidance during the D process. I wouldnt worry about dating. I too went the online way at 1st. That experience led me to delete all my accounts sit back and tell myself that it was ok to be single forever. Than I met my new wife at a BBQ. Wasnt looking was scared to commit again. 5 months ago we married. Life has wonderful things waiting for you. Just be patient.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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adinva Offline OP
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So happy for how things have turned out for you R! You are living the good life!


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,906
Likes: 1
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And dont discount online dating when ready. My friend met his wonderful wife online. You will not have a problem finding someone when ready.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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One last tip for you profile, don't put "looking for my soul mate" 'cuz to a guy that means locating the TV remote under the cushions on the couch. No need to thank me.


Divorced February 27, 2012.

"Only by love is love awakened".~ Ellen G White
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Adinva, just dropping by to say Hi. I could have written just about all of your opening post on this thread. I came here thinking that if I just waited for STBX and the duck to self-destruct then we could get back to normal. I DB'd like a champ. And here I am a year and a half after BD, working on financial disclosures for our D. My how things change.

I'm looking forward to dating, also, but very hesitant about the online thing. I'll be reading here to see what happens!



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
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adinva Offline OP
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Thanks for stopping by! Everything has been on hold while i had two business trips in two weeks. Travel is stressful cuz of leaving the kids in h's care, prepping the house and pantry, seeing my parents extra beforehand, and the cleanup after i return. H does a couple of things. He took a car in for work, bought s15 some jeans, walked the dogs. But he does no housework at all and the kids need to have food to fix for themselves. I always come home to a mess. Rant over.

Now i am recovered and ready to spend tomorrow on financial stuff. H emailed a bunch of questions to our planner and ran up a bill. Im trying to get him to work with me and take her our considered scenarios and anything we cant seem to agree on. He said we could discuss my punchlist but he hasnt made a move toward talking with me. I hope to get my momentum back so i can meet our end of year goal. I find the cinancial stuff scary and odious and so i'd rather clean my whole house than work on it.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
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adinva Offline OP
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Sunny asked how my first meeting with the mediator went and so I thought I'd post a little about it. It happened in my last thread, September 15. H and I seem to have little disagreement about the kids so most of our need to negotiate is financial. I met a divorce specialist financial planner at a divorce workshop and have seen her a few times trying to kick start my response to H's proposed settlement agreement dated Nov 2011 that I never responded to.

This year I asked H and he agreed that we could use her as a mediator for our financial stuff, then take that to attorneys and hopefully have minimal need of their time. An attorney I spoke with had worked with this person's clients before and said that the resulting documentation made things much easier.

So Sept 15 we met across a table with her. I knew the routine a bit from my past meetings, that every question costs time and money so I try to keep to important things. H got a little bogged down - there was a debt I questioned my need to pay, and there was my inheritance that got intermingled in our marital account, they were about the same amount so I had asked him let's just take them both off the table and save time. He just couldn't wrap his head around that so the advisor explained it twice and drew a picture. Stuff like that, that I would prefer to hash out offline. However, where we butt heads offline I have said - OK we don't agree on this let's take this one to the advisor.

The advisor has shown me that with a year and a half of child support and no spousal (his offer) I would spend down my assets and need to cash out my 401(k) and spend that too, and basically retire broke. Having given H 17 years of child and home care and sacrificed my career and given up my own business to do so, it is fair to ask H to set me on my feet when he goes. She makes a case that it won't hurt him much in the long run and it will make a world of difference for me, and it seems fair. I would NEVER have known to ask for anything and would not have conceived of the amount she is suggesting as a talking point. But she's right. I'd be in the hole and my kids would likely try to help support me in the long run. H has seen the number she suggested and hasn't yet stormed out of the discussion.

We're trying to figure out, using 2014-15 expenses, exactly what it costs me to live, and exactly what I'm spending on the kids, and will for the next 4 or 5 years or so, and whether H can afford to fill in the shortfall I would experience if I maintained my current (austerity-style) standard of living.

I feel a lot of stress and fear that I might overlook some expense and run out of money anyway, so I'm trying to be thorough for my own peace of mind.

It's very interesting to see how H's and my thought processes differ. For example, H and I co-own our house and plan to sell it when S15 graduates from high school. We should each pay half the mortgage then, right? H doesn't think so because he doesn't get to live here so he's currently paying about a fourth of the mortgage. That's his view. My view is that he is basically charging his CHILDREN rent to live in their home that he left.

Another thing we differ on. We had to start off with a spreadsheet of our spending budget. My bottom line is a couple hundred in the red; I've been slowly running out of the money I took with me from our joint account. I spent as little as possible. I buy meat only about once every couple weeks, I buy clothing from a thrift shop if any, the only vacation I went on was one H gave me as a gift. I work lunch breaks and weekends walking dogs to help keep at zero net. I'd prefer not to continue living this way but I'm prepared to live on even less if I need to. I plugged $25/month into my Savings line item just to put something there. He plugged $300/month plus $1000/month to his 401(k). So when he whines that he doesn't have much at the end to give to me it's because he's SAVING it. I think his view is that I make a lot less to I should be putting a lot less into savings and my 401(k).

We seem to disagree about the kids too. His plan was to pay minimum required child support until S15 turns 18 and then nothing more to me. I can't imagine that the day they graduate from high school I no longer buy them food or a pair of jeans, let alone college books. I'm sure I will be doing that. I may keep my second job in order to do it, but I can't see turning them out on their butts at 18. Maybe that's how it will be, but it's hard for me to see.

So the meeting itself was a little tense because it's the first time we've sat together and discussed things we disagree about. H avoids conflict and I don't love it either so it's very uncomfortable for us...but having an impartial 3rd party was immensely valuable I think. I trust her to help me not get bogged down on pennies if the dollars are going to be OK.

We went over time and didn't cover all we had intended.

The financial advisor followed up with 50-page reports analyzing our financial futures with various assumptions regarding child support and spousal support amounts, and selling the house now vs in 2018. Took me two whole days concentrating just to understand them. We have a bunch of corrections and adjustments for her to make, and I want to consolidate them with H and wipe out anything we agree on ahead of time, so we can come back to her for the next step more efficiently.

So that's where we are. I wrote out a to-do list this weekend to help me stop getting analysis paralysis and see where I'm headed. All I have left are:
4. List corrections and any different scenarios I want advisor to run.
5. Review these with H and consolidate/finalize
6. Send them to advisor and set up next meeting with her.
7. Agree on property division
8. Take to attorney to draft new separation agreement
9. H and I sign it
10. File for divorce.

Simple. NOT!!!


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
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