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#2609150 09/23/15 02:36 AM
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Uphill Offline OP
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Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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Today has started off on a good note. Got s4 ready for school and on the bus. Played with him and my nephew until the bus showed up. It's these little things that seem to mean a lot to me lately! Typically I don't get to any more than carry a sleeping child out of my house and drop him off at my parents. My work schedule is pretty early in the morning but this week I am close to home so I am taking advantage of it! smile.


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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Good for you uphill. We never get those moments back so cherish them while you can. You are stopping to smell the roses. Godd for you!!


Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs
EA: Started 3/2015
MC Started: 4/2015
She moved out and served 6/2015
PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015
2 young kids

"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
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Uphill, isn't it great? I was a "stay at home Dad" since I worked from home. I was with my kids constantly for a good chunk of their young lives. The other day, I was with the WW and the kids and my daughter fell asleep. I carried her out of the car and I said "I really love this whole being a Father thing" to myself. My WW overheard and she said "Well, you had several years with them, you would think that you would get bored of it or something, you act like it's something new." And I said "WW, for a good chunk of their lives I was there, but I was too busy to do a lot of the stuff that I do now. Tea Parties, video games, road trips, museums and all that jazz is my new favorite hobby. Anything that I can do to build new memories in their minds. I live, solely and completely for them." and her jaw hit the ground.

I used to be selfish, short, annoyed and even a bit jealous of my kids. They got the attention from her that I so desperately craved. But a new life demands new chapters and I am writing them the way I see fit.


Me: 38
W: 32
S10 D6
T: 10 (02/2004)
M: 7 (12/2007)
Separation 02/2015
OM confirmed 01/2015,
D mentioned 12/2014
D finalized 9/2016
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Yes eye, it is the greatest thing I have ever been a part of! One of XF's big complaints was that I wasn't around enough for her and S4. I understand that and I always have. The problem wasn't me being in a barroom or at friends houses or parties... If I wasn't at home you can bet your life I was at work. We live in a depressed area. Nothing real good as far as jobs local so I've always had to travel for work. Sometimes only an hour from home, sometimes across the country. From time to time she would bring it up and I would always say, if we want to continue living like we do, we don't have many options. She would agree that we couldn't live on a $12 an hour job the way we had become accustomed to and that would be that.

Looking back, I would have sold our home. Found a smaller one or a nice appartment for us and downsized. It never came across that she wanted to do that, more like she was venting... I have always been proud of how good we had it financially as a young family. Now I look at it all as material garbage!

Anyways, I'm rambling now but back to the point. I've missed lots of times like this with S4 because of my work and I don't want to do that anymore! I want to smell the roses before they wilt. I'm not sure what is in store for me yet, but I am working on a way to make good money, in the middle of nowhere WITHOUT the travel! I just need that million dollar idea to pop into my head.


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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Another succesful day on school bus duty. It's the little things that make me happy these days... smile


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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Uphill. You are doing great. I am really proud of you and how far you have come.

My kids are with the WW for the next few days. We leave on a quick camping excursion on Friday. I took the weekend off of work and we are going to a place that isn't far from home, we are all excited. Every conversation I have with them revolves around what we are going to do and what we need to pack. It's all about the adventure.


Me: 38
W: 32
S10 D6
T: 10 (02/2004)
M: 7 (12/2007)
Separation 02/2015
OM confirmed 01/2015,
D mentioned 12/2014
D finalized 9/2016
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Thank you eye! I'm kinda proud of myself also!

One small thing on my mind today... The other day, while I was at work, my mom and sister took the kids to a local fair with another friend. There were 3 kids between 2 and 4 in the group. Well low and behold, the news paper took thier picture and ask permission to put it in today's paper along with names, ages ect...
I bought the paper (proud papa moment smile ) and now I am torn wether to send a picture of it to XF or let it ride?

I don't really want to initiate any contact, BUT if the shoe was on the other foot I would like to know... The stupid little things that get us thinking haha


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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I am a firm believer, when it comes to the kids, let them know. When it comes to you, don't.


Me: 38
W: 32
S10 D6
T: 10 (02/2004)
M: 7 (12/2007)
Separation 02/2015
OM confirmed 01/2015,
D mentioned 12/2014
D finalized 9/2016
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Originally Posted By: EyeTie
I am a firm believer, when it comes to the kids, let them know. When it comes to you, don't.


Recently, my oldest lost his first tooth while he was with me, and I sent a picture to my W that day. Seemed like something to share as a good co-parent. I think the same applies here.

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Couldn't agree more Azzork. My S7 got an award from school, I sent a picture to my WW. She was just as excited as I was and we all went out to eat afterwards. It was a good time, take the focus off of you, her and your relationship and go from there.


Me: 38
W: 32
S10 D6
T: 10 (02/2004)
M: 7 (12/2007)
Separation 02/2015
OM confirmed 01/2015,
D mentioned 12/2014
D finalized 9/2016
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10-4, I will do that! I just wasn't sure how I felt about it... I don't want to keep it from her, but didn't want to hurt my situation either.


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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Thanks for the input guys! I really appreciate it!


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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Picture in the paper is fun! I would have shared it. Sharing stuff like that goes a long way towards good coparenting, regardless of M outcome.


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
BD: 08/2015 - D filed & OW disc: 09/2015

"Surrender to What Is, Let Go of What Was, Have Faith in What Will Be." -S Ricotti
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So I sent a picture of the newspaper, her first response was "oh". Then I said "I just thought I would share, I thought it was cool". Her next response, " stop somewhere and get me one". I left it at that. She passes 5 yes 5 stores on her way home from work. I don't mind doing small favors but that to me is pure laziness?


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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Yes. It's also taking advantage. Tell her you don't have time, but point out that they're available at several stores. Nicely, of course. You're not her errand boy.


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
BD: 08/2015 - D filed & OW disc: 09/2015

"Surrender to What Is, Let Go of What Was, Have Faith in What Will Be." -S Ricotti
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Had a decent S4 swap tonight, kept everything light and breezy but to the point. After that my GAL suffered tonight. Had a few fires to put out. Flat tire on my truck, then got my last ton of wood pellets for this winter. So I got a workout!!! Hand loaded, carried and stacked. That makes 7 total so I'll have warm toes this winter! Haha

Overall a good night even without GAL. Got some stuff done that needed to happen.


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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Journaling a little to get this off my mind. XF has been more pleasant the past few days, but I am still giving her too much head space. She arrived at my house this morning to drop off S4. In a good mood and dressed to kill... I couldn't help but take notice she was wearing all the Hewlett I have bought her through the years. Bracelet, watch, necklace, earrings and a ring I bought her...

It just messed me up a little because she only ever breaks out jewelry for special occasions. It got in my head now wondering what she is up to today? Who knows, who cares... I just had to vent

Last edited by Uphill; 09/26/15 05:57 PM.

Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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Just say, wow you look really good in that. No reason not to throw her a compliment, and being able to do so shows that she can't provoke you - and, she may have been trying to provoke you. If she gets a reaction that is complimentary & not what she was expecting, then she might be disappointed and have to more explicitly ask for what she wants.

I know it is hard, but at least she is wearing what you bought her. My W doesn't wear anything that I bought her. It is like it is all tainted. Too bad, as it is really nice stuff and shouldn't sit in a drawer.

And, the last thing you want to do is start running scenarios through your head about why she is all dressed up and looking good. You just don't know, and the only one you upset is you.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
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Yeah, I know. The only person who can get in my head is me. I honestly didn't throw a compliment out. I acted like she was dressed in sweats... I wanted to. I wanted to real bad, but didn't want to give a compliment which may have gotten a negative response. So I left it alone. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to. I really wanted to! I wanted to grab ahold of her and give her the biggest hug and kiss she ever recieved but didn't. Me and S4 had a great day after this though smile


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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You can always compliment her on her outfit. Keep it that.

Glad you and S had good time.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
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Yeah, I know I "can" but I don't want to ruin the mood she has been in these past few days. It seems that when I start to relax and do or say small things that are nice, her guard goes back up and it leaves. Over time I'm sure I will again but I don't feel like now is that time. Just rolling with the waves haha


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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So far today S4 and I have been to Sunday school, went for a nice lunch and did our grocery shopping. Now to find some kind of fun to be had for the rest of the day!


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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I've got the Monday morning funk going again today. Not as bad as previous weeks and I think the cold rainy weather has a lot to do with it today?

Had a great weekend with S4! Up until bed time last night haha. He didn't fight going to sleep but... Once he did he was running a marathon! He was on top of me, underneath me, kicking and swinging. I don't know how he got any rest because I know I didn't. When it was time to get up this morning I had a hard time finding him! Laying across the bed down by my feet under all the blankets. Must have either been having a bad dream all night or training for an ironman race?!?'


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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Hi Uphill, did he have anything with MSG at all? My SS used to go a bit bonkers when he had crisps or anything with MSG - he'd thrash around all night!

Just thought I would mention as it popped into my mind when I read this.

Take care xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Sotto, he didn't that I am aware of? If he did it would have been minimal... Thatnk you for the idea though!


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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Kid swap went well tonight. Prolly the most relaxed one to date. XF got there and S4 and myself were already waiting. Right up front it was strictly buisiness. Schedule change to suit her (I have no problem with this slight mixup for the week because there is a logical reason for it). While we were discussing that S4 locked the keys in my truck, handled that in stride and made a game of breaking into the truck haha. A little small talk after that followed by me getting S4 buckled in. He wouldn't give me a hug and kiss so I went about "stealing" one. Kept kissing him all over and he giggled like a little chimp. When I closed his door he opened it right away teasing me as if I wouldn't do it again so I went right back at it and with one of my hands hit the child lock on the door. Closed the door again and he got mad about that but me and XF looked at each other land giggled, kinda like "gotcha". As she was pulling out she looked over a few times an waved with a big smile on her face... It felt so good, kinda like old times when she would have to go somewhere with him and he wasn't cooperating.


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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That's funny about S4. I could see mine doing the same thing except the child lock has been on for about a year since he opened the door while I was driving...once.

These exchanges make things so stress free it is great. Then it gets me "why can't he see we are happy?" oh well, in time I guess. It is totally better for the kids to see us this way and I would much rather be great at co-parenting than the opposite. Keep up the good work Uphill!


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Yeah, it is days like this that make me wonder what is really going on in her head? I know it is impossible to tell but that kind of thing was every day just a few months ago?!?! Oh well, no sense in dwelling on it because who knows what tomorrow brings. It could be the same, it could be a total spew fest. I'm hoping for a lot more days like today but not holding my breath


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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Oh and Ep, the child lock is usually on in her car. That is one of the newer tricks he has learned to do when nobody is looking so he can get out haha


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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I think I already know the answer to this but want to ask anyway. The company I work for has a large holiday party every year. It is soon time to get online and register for it. When I do that I have to put down if I will be bringing a guest or not and if I am I need to put the name of my guest.

Anybody following my situation, I would prolly be out of line to ask XF to go with me? Pursuing, pressure, everything I'm not supposed to be doing... Maybe I just don't go this year? Or go alone? I think I would rather not go than go alone. Find something else to do that night because it was always a great night with XF and will most likely bring on a funk if I go without her.

Or maybe just hang the invite on my refrigerator in full view and see if she mentions anything sometime at a kid swap?

This isn't pressing but I do only have a few weeks to figure out how to handle it for sure.


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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Originally Posted By: Uphill
I think I already know the answer to this but want to ask anyway. The company I work for has a large holiday party every year. It is soon time to get online and register for it. When I do that I have to put down if I will be bringing a guest or not and if I am I need to put the name of my guest.

Anybody following my situation, I would prolly be out of line to ask XF to go with me? Pursuing, pressure, everything I'm not supposed to be doing... Maybe I just don't go this year? Or go alone? I think I would rather not go than go alone. Find something else to do that night because it was always a great night with XF and will most likely bring on a funk if I go without her.

Or maybe just hang the invite on my refrigerator in full view and see if she mentions anything sometime at a kid swap?

This isn't pressing but I do only have a few weeks to figure out how to handle it for sure.

As much as a I hate to say it, do you really think she has any interest in going to this with you?

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I know azz, just venting it here... No offense taken


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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And now after thinking about what I asked it was a stupid thought to begin with haha. It's just one of those things that crossed my mind and I have too much head space.


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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Maybe hang the invite for Uphill+1 on the fridge. I definitely wouldn't ask your XF to go...


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Yeah, processing my thoughts today I guess I subliminally was hoping by the holiday season this would all be worked out. This invite just made me realize that the season is coming and it's not back to normal... Stupid rollercoaster needs an emergency exit!


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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Rain, rain go away,
You're playing with my mood yet another day!

Last night was pretty good, S4 and I had a nice movie and karaoke night at the house. (He did the singing, I did the backup dancing) haha

We had a blast, so I took a video of him and sent it to XF. No comments or anything attached, just the video. About an hour later she called to tell him goodnight and said she saw him dancing and singing. I must say it kinda hurt to hear that when she didn't even reply with a "thanks" or even acknowledge it to me? Detach! Detach! Detach! The little things like that just make it seem like she is so distant and cold...


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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Hey bud. Best thing to do is do not send her that stuff. Post it on FB if you want but not to her directly. Right now she doesn't care and it's only pushing her away. She wants the freedom of being single and without a family, you are just reminding her of what she DOES not want. It is hard, I would do the same thing toy WW. It wasn't until I stopped did she start asking questions.

Detach my friend, act as though you are moving on. I like the idea of +1 on the invite as well. If she asks just shrug it off and change the subject. Let HER be the one to wonder what you are up to.


Me: 38
W: 32
S10 D6
T: 10 (02/2004)
M: 7 (12/2007)
Separation 02/2015
OM confirmed 01/2015,
D mentioned 12/2014
D finalized 9/2016
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I think there is a fine line of what to send.

We both advised for sending the photo in the paper. I gave the example of sending a picture when my oldest lost a tooth. So there are sometimes when you should spread joy as a co-parent.

But I think sending random cute/silly pictures or videos is probably not going to do anything good for you. Thats not the life she is choosing, why give her any of it?

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True, I thought I was just being nice... There I go thinking again haha. I just felt like maybe that was something I could do that she would appreciate and at least show her I'm not hiding? Bad result, not happening again!


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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Originally Posted By: Uphill
I thought I was just being nice

I think you were being nice. But that doesnt really matter, right?

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I don't know how much longer I can take this crap. I am just at the point where one of these days XF makes a stupid comment or does something ridiculous I'm gonna end up grabbing her by the ears and telling her everything I have been bottling up since February. I have put so much effort, heart, soul and anything else I have to offer into trying to save our relationship just to keep getting sh!t on. Any time I think we are getting settled into a routine with schedule and drop off/pick up places she wants to change it. To suit her. I'm about at the end of my rope. I'm scared that one of these days I'm gonna look her square in the eye and just say it is now or never, make up your mind.

Ugggghhhh just needed to vent so I don't flip on her tonight!


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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And it continues this morning. I went to meeting spot to get s4 and take him to moms for the day. As usual I was there a few minutes early. When I got there, the parking lot was full where we usually park so I pulled into a spot on the other side. (About 50 feet from normal). Right before she got there, that side of the lot opened up. I was just ready to move over when XF arrived so I just stayed where I was. She pulled into where we usually are, looked around and saw me, then pulled over beside me. When I got out, I said "I'm sorry about being over here, the lot was full when I got here". She stared through me and didn't even acknowledge I said a word. I got S4 out of her car, turned around and she was still glaring at me. I loaded him up and then she wanted to be all nice and say bye, all that. I looked at her and drove away.

A person can only take so much disrespect. If I was 20 minutes late or something like that I can see acting a little upset. But over where I parked? Ridiculous! I can feel the anger and resentment building the last 24 hours...


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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Uphill, kill her with kindness but be stand offish. Think before you speak. Say the situation was reversed and you had to find her, would SHE apologize? When you deal with her, ask yourself "how would she treat me" and go from there. You didn't owe her an apology, it wasn't your fault the lot was full. Be strong and use the "less is more" approach.


Me: 38
W: 32
S10 D6
T: 10 (02/2004)
M: 7 (12/2007)
Separation 02/2015
OM confirmed 01/2015,
D mentioned 12/2014
D finalized 9/2016
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I understand, I saw frustration on her face and just wanted to let her know I wasn't parked there to "mess" with her.

If the roles were reversed I wouldn't have made any kind of reaction so there wouldn't have been a need for anything to be said. I would have assumed when she pulled in the spots were full....


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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Remember that the walk-away is always looking for reasons to be angry with you to justify in their minds the reasons they have left.

If you give her nothing to be mad about, it throws her off. Don't give her a reason.

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I didn't do anything to intentionally make her mad. I just had nothing to say when she changed faces and wanted to talk then. Saying nothing was better than saying what was on the tip of my toungue.


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
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Many false starts by XF
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Originally Posted By: Thornton
Remember that the walk-away is always looking for reasons to be angry with you to justify in their minds the reasons they have left.

If you give her nothing to be mad about, it throws her off. Don't give her a reason.


This is exactly what I was trying to convey. WW's are always looking for an excuse to say to people "SEE THIS IS WHY I DID WHAT I DID!" when it comes to the LBS. My WW, even after almost 8 months, still looks for faults and when she can't find them she goes nuts and will make issues appear out of thin air.


Me: 38
W: 32
S10 D6
T: 10 (02/2004)
M: 7 (12/2007)
Separation 02/2015
OM confirmed 01/2015,
D mentioned 12/2014
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Met XF tonight to give her S4. XF = completely different person again! We were able to joke around and had a little small talk. The only thing that bothered me a little was talking about some doc appts for s4 she had to throw in the "since we aren't together anymore" line for some reason? Overall seemed like old times except for the fact that we pulled out and went separate directions...


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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Been there. Done that. You're getting good insight from the others. I get a lot of the cold, disrespect and then the come here niceness. I've had to learn the hard way that it is about not reacting much to either. Pleasant and happy with life either way. This is all about them and not about anything you did or said. You have to remember that, and then not try to smooth things over or explain yourself when they give you the cold stare or the angry explosion. Show them that they are free to express themselves safely. Show them that you're OK and have no real need for them to be other than they are unless it impacts your S. Show them that they have lost their power over you, that your happiness doesn't depend on them. This is just a business arrangement that you intend to conduct well.

In time it may settle down. In time you may get a different response from them. In time they may deal with their issues and then be able to interact with you in a healthy way. Be compassionate and let them be with their own sh*t without you stirring it by reacting to them. Don't give them the excuse that this has something do do with you so that they may be able to help themselves by looking inward and facing the hard work they will have to heal their own suffering and make themselves happy people.

Recognize the power she is giving you. You are the reason she is the way she is - that's what she believing. That is an awful lot of power she has given you. Can you use it wisely and compassionately by not abusing it and handing it gently back to her by not reacting to her hot - cold routine?

You did it during that cold stare. You've got this one.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
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Today was mostly niceness, with a splash of impatience. S4 had doctors appointments today. I did not make it to the first one but was on my way to the second when the impatience started. XF called when I was in the shower, obviously missed the call. Called her back a few minutes later and she asked if I was on my way. I said I would walk out the door in about 5 minutes. It is a 45 minute ride to where we take S4 to the doc. So that means I'll be there in a little under an hour. By the time I got there I got 4 texts and 3 calls checking where I was haha. Anyway, doc appts all went well but leaving the hospital XFs phone rang and she started to cry. Hysterically. I stood there for a minute as she leaned on the wall crying and then pieced together that her friend wasn't doing good at all amd was admitted to the ICU. Possibly being flown to a specialist 3 hours away. At that point I just wrapped up XF in my arms and tried to comfort her... Not sure how this will all play out but XF may need some support over these next few days? It doesn't look good at all and this is one of 2 close friends she still talks to.

Where do I draw the line? Do I call periodically to check in? Or leave it where it's at? I did tell her to call if she needs anything and I'm thinking it may be best to leave it at that...


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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You gave her a hug, that is enough.

Do not call her to check in.
Do not stop by to make sure she is alright.
Do not send her flowers.
Do not do ANYTHING that benefits her in anyway!

It's simple psychology my friend. Any interaction with her, think "Would she do the same for me?" If the answer is "no" then you have your answer.


Me: 38
W: 32
S10 D6
T: 10 (02/2004)
M: 7 (12/2007)
Separation 02/2015
OM confirmed 01/2015,
D mentioned 12/2014
D finalized 9/2016
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That is how I left if eye. Thanks for the advise! She came down a little bit ago to pick up S4. She brought the situation up and I just asked if anything is looking better or not. It's the same as yesterday, so I just dropped it at that. She stayed for about 20 minutes because s4 was playing and the name of a "friend" came up. I'm not sure how long you have been following my sitch but a mutual friend was playing us for a while. I saw it shortly before XF walked out. I tried to point it out and XF said "no way" and beleived every word this person said.

Anyways, that person came up because about a month ago XF finally saw that this friend was doing the same thing to others and now she is trying to be all buddy buddy with both of us again. I ignore the friend and it sounds like XF does too. While the opportunity was there I said to XF, you do realize if both of us didn't trust this person like we did, we would be planning our wedding?

She didn't come out and agree, but she did say that person had a lot to do with decisions she made towards the "end". I dropped that at this point and figured let her sleep on that truth dart for a while...

I'm not sure if that was the best move but it was something I felt I had to say?


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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My WW had a friend who I too have mentioned. This gal is toxic to the core and an all around terrible person. I have never cared for her, she had a big influence on my WW in life.

Whenever said friends name get's brought up, I just say "I do not want to waste my positive energy talking about a negative person" OR "Yup, don't care" and change the subject.


Me: 38
W: 32
S10 D6
T: 10 (02/2004)
M: 7 (12/2007)
Separation 02/2015
OM confirmed 01/2015,
D mentioned 12/2014
D finalized 9/2016
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I'm not sure what triggered this but today has been pretty rough. I didn't have the ambition to GAL at all and have been sitting on my couch all day watching tv. Just really not feeling like getting out of the house today... Doing lots of thinking about my situation and how it doesn't have to be like this. I feel like it would take no more than a few hours of me and XF sitting down and talking through things to get us back on the same page. I know it's not that easy, it's just how I'm feeling today.


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
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Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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I know how you feel, but until she is ready, that talk can't happen. If it ever does, do it w/ a good MC who understands takes a systems theory, emotionally-focused therapy, or MWD's approach. There are interpersonal dynamics to fix, not just agreements.

In the meantime, hang in there.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
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Been there. I spent a lot of time zoning out. I think it's healthy in an odd way. Keep your chin up.


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
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I know it can't happen at this point and maybe never will. That's just what my simple mind is telling me today... I won't be bringing it up, I vented my thoughts here so that I got it off my chest and didn't slip up. It just seems like it could be so easy if she were willing to talk?

Chin is in the air, even if it is fake today it's still pointing high. Hopefully tomorrow it will be natural.


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
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Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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I was very guilty of only seeing how I would fix the problem. Only seeing my solution, doing it my way, etc. if you think the solution is talking that's good. But be cognizant that there may be a part of her that believes in another method. Don't try to lock into your way... That can just reinforce that your set in your ways or always think your right or whatever.

In regards to the chin... Sometime you have to fake it to make it. Aka. Act as if.


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
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You are right on both those subjects mahhhty. I definatly know its not as simple as a conversation at this point. I feel it could help but unless she initiates it, it won't happen or be productive. I personally feel that the topic should have been brought up before it got anywhere near this point?

Faking it til you make it is the only reason I am able to slowly feel better about my life. Looking back, I wish I knew that sooner!


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
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Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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One thing I do find myself regretting and/or second guessing. This Friday I have an appointment to go sign a custody agreement. It was written up by my lawyer so I am sure my best interest is in play but I don't know if that is the right route to go? I'm getting cold feet about the whole thing and I hope it is the right move?


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
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Many false starts by XF
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It's a very smart move, Uphill. Also, it's showing her that you are moving forward with your life.


Me: 38
W: 32
S10 D6
T: 10 (02/2004)
M: 7 (12/2007)
Separation 02/2015
OM confirmed 01/2015,
D mentioned 12/2014
D finalized 9/2016
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I know it is something I have to do to protect myself as a father and keep S4's best interest on the table. I just feel that by signing an agreement that gives 50/50 custody, even though it is fair an d best for him, I am signing away half my rights? Ideally he should have both of us in his life 100% of the time, not this split time garbage... I will go Friday and sign the papers, it's just going to hurt.


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
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Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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Just take a deep breath and realize that you are protecting yourself as well as your son.

Even if you and your Fiance get back together, this agreement can be nullified.


Me: 38
W: 32
S10 D6
T: 10 (02/2004)
M: 7 (12/2007)
Separation 02/2015
OM confirmed 01/2015,
D mentioned 12/2014
D finalized 9/2016
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Sighhhhh (that's my deep breath!), I know it is for the best. The best for S4 as well as myself so we are protected and XF can't interfere with our relationship. Once it is on paper, it's law. I will be able to sleep a little better at night knowing I have that. It just has me torn... I never thought it would come to this. I just never thought we would be in this situation. We were the couple everybody always looked at and wanted to be like. Now look! It is what it is, I will survive. Me and S4 will thrive! I just wish She was along for the ride!


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
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Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
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I still seem to find myself reeling over the thought that this could all go away with a long, heartfelt, civil conversation... It just all seems so surreal these past few days like maybe I will soon wake up from this dream?

I know it's not that easy. I know this is way more complicated than that. This thought is just sticking with me lately... Damn this [censored]!


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
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Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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Signing the agreement doesn't mean that the future is fixed and you are one step closer to done w/ each other for good. That's just you giving it that meaning. Reconciliation happens when it happens. It may be she needs to get to the point of being as free of the R as one can be when there are kids before she deals with her issues and feels in enough control to allow herself to take risks and be vulnerable. So, the symbolism that you are giving to this one event is what you are giving to it, not its inherent reality.

I know it is really hard to do. I know that when my time comes to sign on the dotted line, I will struggle. I hope I will remember my own advice and have people remind me with a few 2x4s if I don't. Hang in there, it's nothing that can't be undone.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
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As, my last post was just about things in general. Not just the custody agreement. Yes I am struggling with the thought of that a bit, I think it has triggered deeper thinking into the situation on my part? How simple it could be.


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
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Many false starts by XF
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2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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On one hand I believe in No Regrets. Meaning if you feel strongly about something than do it.

However, realize the more "reeling" you do, the more confused you are. And what feels like a good idea might not be.

Your S is better with both parents in his life. She doesn't want to be with you. 50/50 is reasonable. Be strong, confident and graceful. In no way does this mean things are over. Your S is your bond, and that will not go away.


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
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I'm not trying to reel mahhhty, I know what I have to do. Me and my lawyer have been working on it for months. It is just that the closer it gets, it seems to have me backsliding...

I know we will always have S4 TOGETHER. We will constantly see each other. We will have many, many interactions through the years. Yes, that gives me a lot of opportunities to "be the better choice". I, along with most people here don't want to be a choice. I want to be the only...

Once again, I know what is best for S4. I will follow through with that Friday. He needs both of us whether or not it is under the same roof!


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
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Many false starts by XF
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Originally Posted By: Uphill
I Yes, that gives me a lot of opportunities to "be the better choice". I, along with most people here don't want to be a choice. I want to be the only...



I know you do, but the reality is that it is always a choice, and all Rs go through cycles where one or both aren't even sure that the other is the better choice. We then have to choose whether we go on with this imperfect person who refuses to just be the person we wanted or imagined them to be. It is that we decided, despite our doubts, despite our not being the only choice, that we choice to go on and invest in the R - or not. So, I'd say the impossible expectation is causing you more distress than anything else. And even if it were possible for two people to always think the other is the only, the reality of your sitch is that both of you are having to make a choice about whether to go on with someone that you have issues and difficulties with. So, you may think you want one thing that is likely impossible for any of us, but certainly all of us here, but you need to focus on whether you want to go on if you are "just" the better choice in her eyes. Hopefully, not forever, but that's the choice you face in the foreseeable future. Can you live with that? Can you love with that? Can you build something healthy on that? Focus on those rather than wishing it could be a certain way.

And, yes I still struggle with this too, so I know it ain't easy.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
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I understand all of what you just said As, that is the type of battle I have in my head right now.


Me 34, XF 27
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Son 4
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Many false starts by XF
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2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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Another thing that keeps running through my head. IF, and that's a big IF, XF were to come to me and want to try to R. Would it just be for the financial security through the holidays? I try not to give it any head space because I see no signs of that happening anytime soon, it is just another internal battle I have within myself from time to time.

Cheese less tunnels everywhere!

I do see a positive in all the internal battles despite how messed up they get me. To me it means I am processing all the possibilities and information much better. 3 or 4 months ago I wouldn't have given any of this stuff a thought and jumped at any glimmer of hope with open arms. I'm not saying I'm not still hoping for that same outcome at some point, but I think I will be more cautious if it happens? And make sure it is for the right reasons.

Last edited by Uphill; 10/07/15 11:00 AM.

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I used to think the same things. I would say "What if she comes knocking on my door again, wanting to start over, what would her motives be?" Which showed me that I still don't trust her. My heart is pure, hers is not. Kick those thoughts out of your head, Uphill. The "what if's" are going to eat at you like no tomorrow.

My WW just called because my Mother invited her to my daughters B-Day party on Saturday. I already told my Mother that my WW is not welcome there. I told my WW that she isn't welcome there. Yet, once again, my Mother undermined me to invite my WW for whatever reasons. My WW is now angry again that she isn't invited and I am angry at the situation. Things happen. Don't worry about it.


Me: 38
W: 32
S10 D6
T: 10 (02/2004)
M: 7 (12/2007)
Separation 02/2015
OM confirmed 01/2015,
D mentioned 12/2014
D finalized 9/2016
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This evenings S4 exchange has me baffled a bit. Actually ever since XF got off work does... It is her "turn" with S4 so she texted me like normal about what time works. We exchanged a few messages setting up plans and then she ended up calling. All chipper on the phone, said she was sick of typing messages out. I replied, well I think we had it all figured out anyway but ok.

So while she was on the phone she asked me if I could bring him right to her place, no biggie. (I have no problem doing a favor here and there). When I arrived with him it was all jokes and giggles and just plain weird. It was the XF I wanted to marry, not the monster who took her place?!?! Played with S4 a bit, helped him go potty. All the fun stuff haha. I came out and said about leaving, right away she wanted to walk out with me to see me off. Had S4 grab his shoes and coat. Then she sat him in my truck to play almost as if trying to prolong me staying? After about 5 minutes of small talk I just told S4 I had to go because I had a lot to do yet tonight and left...

It was nice and disheartening all at once. With her acting this way I almost wanted to stay longer but knew I had to be the one to "have to go" and not prolong it any longer. Weird to say the least!


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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The "hot & cold" treatment is a doosy. My WW would do the same thing, she would be all sweet as can be one minute and then angry the next. It's a conflict battle with their psych, they are not sure what to do and do temp-checking.

You made the right move on leaving first and being vague. Keep it up, I am happy for you!


Me: 38
W: 32
S10 D6
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M: 7 (12/2007)
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Thanks for the support eye! I really appreciate your time buddy! It's almost like it happened natural for her. Nothing seemed fake or forced on her end of it. Now tomorrow she will most likely be cold and distant and it will appear forced? That seems to be the pattern lately. She will let her guard down and then catch herself...


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
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Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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The best advice I can suggest is the "be distant/detached" approach. My WW will ask me what I am up to and even now I rarely tell her much. It's just a habit I got into, which is fine with me.

The hot/cold treatment does not bother me at all anymore, I won't let it. If she wants to be cold, I walk away. She wants to run hot, I'll play along to an extent, but even that is fleeting.


Me: 38
W: 32
S10 D6
T: 10 (02/2004)
M: 7 (12/2007)
Separation 02/2015
OM confirmed 01/2015,
D mentioned 12/2014
D finalized 9/2016
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You handled it well. Just be prepared that the next time she may lay into you. My W has been just fine all this week, even extending conversations. It's like she never was seething with anger. We are also supposed to meet to have another negotiation Saturday (she doesn't want to drag this on she says). Here it is Thursday night, and no word and nothing on the calendar. She knows I'm going out of town on retreat next weekend. Maybe she'll take care of it tomorrow, but she seems to blow hot and cold as you said. That is a good thing. If she had detached and moved on, this wouldn't be going on. If you can keep it from getting you off keel, just look at it as a struggle that is still playing out - no matter what she says, it ain't over yet.

So, don't ride up with the good moments or let yourself crash with the low moments. It's like standing on a pitching boat. Wave lifts one side, you bend that knee and fully straighten the other leg. Then it lifts the other side and drops the other, and you bend the leg on that opposite leg, and straighten the previously bent leg. So the sides of the boat are going up and down, but your head & trunk staying level. Hopefully, as you keep that level, the waters may calm bit by bit.

Hard to do. I still get sucked in by the nice W, only to get surprised by the angry, hostile W. But less and less.

And having her go off is actually a good thing. She reminds me that there is still work to be done on her end (and maybe mine too), and she gets to see that it is safe to express strong emotions around me because I am the calm in the storm. Not trying to calm her down, not fighting her, not getting defensive, just listen, validate, and remember that this is about her not me.

Again, good job on the way you handled it.


Me: 50 W:43
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M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
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No expectations. Next time could be same or the opposite. Accept it was a good interaction and try to make the next one better.

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Thank to you also as! You have been a huge help lately also. I TRY not to let either extreme get to me. It is hard at times but I think I'm getting better at this. Maybe that is why I got the hot/warm treatment today because she feels me leveling out? I kinda hope that is what it is because if I'm putting out that vibe it most likely means I am? It's hard to say for sure, any attempt to figure it out would be mind reading and we all know where that gets us!

In the meantime I will try to make you guys all proud by continuing to handle situations correctly. Tomorrow is a big test, custody day! I'm sure emotions could be at a high level. I just have to control mine and take whatever spew is in store.


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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Azzork, you have been a rockstar for me also! It looks like you posted while I was typing my response to as...


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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Well part one of today is done and went fairly well. CUSTODY AGREEMENT SIGNED!!! It was a heart breaking moment but also felt like the weight of worry was lifted from my shoulders. I no longer have to worry if XF would hold to our verbal agreement. She now will or be in contempt of court.

Part 2 of today comes in a few hours when S4 has a doctors appointment. That will be another testing hour or two. Hoping to keep the ball rolling on a good note.


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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Journaling a bit since I have been busy all weekend. Just catching everybody up a bit. Friday's appointment for S4 went well. It was a child counseler appointment and the doc thinks he has made some serious improvements over the past few weeks. The only part that kinda made me a little uneasy was when the doctor asked XF if she would be willing to bury the hatchet with my mother for S4's sake? XF replied that there's no way my mom would do that and started going on a rant. I stopped her in her tracks and looked at the counseler. I said if I hear what you are saying XF, you are doing nothing but trying to read my moms mind. Nobody can answer that question but her.

The counseler looked at me and smiled. Went about talking on a few other subjects and then came back to a similar question. This time XF's response was much different. She said they it was HER that didn't want to put the effort in instead of pushing the blame onto anyone else!

S4 and I had a busy day yesterday. Got a lot of things done around the house and then went to a BBQ all afternoon and evening. Got him up for Sunday school this morning and that is where we are now. I stay outside because if I'm in there he gets distracted too easily! Haha

This afternoon is still up in the air but I'm sure we find something fun! I'll keep everybody posted as to what he ends up picking... Paint pumpkins? Maybe I'll hang some more trim in the house? Maybe a corn maze? See what happens?


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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Found my head spinning this morning, had a long drive and the thoughts were flowing. Anything from missing XF, angry at XF, how could she do this, what can I do, what could have I done, where will I be in a year, what is best for S4, what do I want, what do I deserve, can this be fixed, do I want to fix this, if "we" fix this will it be able to be fixed with others....

Had a good weekend with S4 and that kept my mind occupied so maybe this was the floodgates opening from containing it all weekend? I hope I got it out of my system because I want to be in a better place. I feel most times like I am progressing to the stage of maybe not wanting XF anymore but then the thought of her with somebody else blindsides me.


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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So through the day I have done some research. I'm definatly not a doctor, but I have mentioned this on here a few months back. I honestly am leaning towards XF having depression issues? Some of the things she does say WW. Some say more of a WAW. But when I read arcticles about how depression will affect a relationship, it is like they sat in my home a wrote thier research.

I guess my question is, has anybody out there experienced this first hand? Or am I looking down a cheese less tunnel again because there really isn't anything I can do about it anyway?

If this is really what it is she has to make the steps to healing. Make the appointments and actually go to them. (This was a problem early on in our relationship and she quit going to her appointments). Anyway, just airing this out to see if I can grab any advise...


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
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Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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Cheeseless tunnel. Depression can be the result of realizing the R was failing at least much as it can be the cause of the R failing. You raising this issue w/ her will not help, even if it is true. She's got to figure this out for herself. She will read this as pursuit or an attack.

Besides, you're still trying to make this work by just getting her to change to see things your way. If only she would lick this depression, then she'll see things my way. Sorry, but even if she did deal w/ any depression, there's not guarantee that this will lead to her agreeing w/ you on saving the R.

Listen and validate, detach and GAL. Lather, rinse, repeat. That's much more likely to get her to face her issues, as she will see that she has them only if you aren't the easy target for blame about her unhappiness.

Now, if it comes to patching, then raising the subject and asking her to consider getting help is likely fine. But for now, it won't help.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
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Hi Uphill,

I love what asitis posted. Go with it! smile

Best of luck to you.

Bob


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M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
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Thanks guys, I knew from what I had read I can't be the one to say anything to her about it or try to get her help. That has to happen on her own. I was just wondering if the approach would be the same which you answered as. Thanks again!


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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One other tidbit I want to share which still makes no difference is that she has struggled with depression since long before I had met her. Our relationship may have contributed in ways also. Other times in the past, she was able to do "just enough" to tuck it back into the closet.

What actually brought this back onto the table, I was cleaning out my medicine cabinet and came across a prescription from November of last year. I remember her having an appointment to be seen and she said that they gave her the "happy pills" again (that's what she called them). There were none out of the bottle. As I put them into the garbage I counted, she went as far as to fill the prescription but never took any of them...

Just something I felt like getting off my chest.


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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Tonight's drop off was either a big ole temp check or XF was in a really good mood? Either way it doesn't matter but I did see the "old" XF that everybody misses. She joked and laughed. Asked a few questions about S4 which I abruptly and solidly said no to (asked about leaving him with somebody I don't approve of for a few hours. Also about giving him a style change, he's a kid, no reason to force a new haircut and attire on him. Let him be himself!). Even after that she did give me a weird look like, wow that was quick, but also joked around more right after. Just getting this all out of my head...


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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I'd just look at the depression, esp. given earlier struggles, as part of sitch. Just recognize that she's struggling, and that not all of her struggles have to do with you. Extend a bit of compassion without being condescending or trying to fix. Listen and validate if she opens up, but don't offer suggestions.

The happy pills could be a situational anti-anxiety med (take when needed rather than treat chronic anxiety), and just knowing they were there helped her get through that stage. I've seen it in others. I'm struggling, but now that I know I have this to fall back on, I can handle it. Very common.

Don't read anything into her behavior at hand off. It is patterns, and until she starts consistently acting in a certain way it is just the flux of a stressful life and coping w/ a difficult situation and changing feelings. Who knows what it means until it coalesces into a pattern of behavior.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
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As, I appriciate your insight and really respect your opinion! I will clarify a little on both those things to help you see where my head was when I wrote them.

The paperwork was with the AD prescription. It said in the first paragraph that pills must be taken daily for up to 3 weeks before results will be seen. So with reading that it wouldn't be an "as needed" thing. It also said further down the paper, Doctor X recommends IC to help XF work through past. It doesn't matter but just raised a few thoughts when I saw it.

As far as interactions with XF, I journal on here so I ca look back and find patterns later. Also I don't like getting on here only when it's all bad so I put some of my feel good stuff out there too. I tend to post here if it is good or bad interactions. I let the neutral ones out, that way say a month from now I can scroll back and count up good vs bad. If nothing is there it was neither... Make sense?

With that said, I do think I may be starting to see a slight shift but nothing major or noteworthy yet. The pleasant XF has been peeking around the corner more often lately, but still gets clouded on other days.


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
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Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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This is a weird question but I'm looking for some insight before the time comes.

I was looking over my calendar last night and saw we have an overnight doctors appointment for s4 coming up in a few weeks. A sleep study... I was wondering how to handle this? I want nothing more than to be there for him, but I don't know if it's a good idea to be around XF for an overnight? I think it's like 12 hours or so. I realize that it could be a good opportunity to "bond" or just spend some time as a family but I feel either my emotions or hers could get the best of us being in the same room so long? I'm just a little torn as to how to go about this...


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
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Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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Hi Uphill, I would think agreeing which one of you is going to stay with him overnight is probably the best way to go...


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BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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That's what I was honestly thinking also ditto, the problem with that is bringing up one of us staying will leave me out right from the start. His appointments are where she has always tried to play "super mom". Even before all this stuff started it was that way. She would sit a home on Facebook ignoring him all day and then put on her cape and go to the appointments and act like she spent 30 hours a day with him?


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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Whose night is the appt on?

I think for your own benefit, it may be best to not spend that long together.

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I have to look at the calendar when I get home to see who's day it actually is Az.

I have no idea why but today has been one of my darkest in months... I cannot concentrate on anything, mind spinning and just plain struggling to keep myself held together and not breaking down into tears... I thought I was past this. Feels like BD all over again?


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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I've got to share this, even though it has nothing to do with DBing... It gave me a good chuckle.

I'm standing in line at a mini market and left a guy go in front of me to pay. Now this guy had a hand full of zig zag papers and looked identical to the picture on the pack. Nice guy none the less, thanked me and smiled when I left him go. He had 8 packs of these things and I thought to myself, "boy he has an eventful day ahead of him!" Haha. His total was $7.97, handed the cashier a $20 and told her to keep the change. He turned and walked out. The cashier looked at me and said "I think he got too many of them, he is already high as a kite! He just left me over 12 bucks." I replied yeah maybe he didn't need that many more and we both had a good laugh.


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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Had a pretty productive, busy weekend.

S4 and myself had a bunch of friends over Friday night. Saturday he went to XF's place and I got a bunch of stuff done around the house. Had a friend stop by in the afternoon (who is in a tough spot in his marriage) he hung out for a while "comparing notes". Later in the evening I went out for a few drinks and ran into a few other friends who helped me waste the rest of the day haha.

Today I got some more housework done, went for groceries and now I'm gonna get some laundry put away and relax for the evening watching some football.

I get S4 back tomorrow and I'm super excited to show him the Halloween costume I got him today!


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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Me 34, XF 27
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Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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