Dealing with WW, Kids, and Divorce

[dday]

Whyus, sounds like you are on the right path! Keep it up. All of you guys are an inspiration to me, I like seeing the small victories, and love seeing the M that work out. Pulling for you man!

[Rouky]

Can you have a detailed statement of the card with the debts? Can you use it to show that some of the debts were her own? Maybe expensive clothes, make up, spa! Can you not find a way not to be responsible for it?

Sorry to be a bit brutal but from what I have read your W always had someone to pay for her, maybe it's time for her to face her responsabilities. I use to fill up our joint account when the money was tight ( to my expense as I was the one ended up with financial difficulties), since my H is gone the joint account as well as mine have been pretty healthy. From what I know H is regularly in a difficult financial situation, so now he is learning that I am not the cause of his financial difficulty ( like he used to blame me for having no money).

Can you disociate your name from the credit card? Do it ASAP if you can.

I'm really sorry that you are in this situation, it's no longer about your love for her but about you having a roof over your head, being able to put some food on the table, and offering security to your kids.

[WhyUs]

So i spent time with S19 last night. We eventually spoke about WW and the sitch. I told him I was in a place where I was ready to move on. I told him I deserve someone who cares about me. We talked for a while and he mainly listened which is normal for him. It still makes me uncomfortable when he does not seem to agree or disagree on things.

One thing that bothered me was that he said BIL saw me jogging the ofher day with my shirt off. He said BIL was making fun of me for not wearing a shirt. The only time he sees BIL is when the family is together. So he was saying negative stuff about me around everyone. I have always respected BIL. He has mostly had a level head through this ordeal.

Anyways, it started to eat at me a little. Affer a whiIe I went to S19 and told him that in the future if WW or her family say something negative about me I do not want to hear about it. I told him it is not worth my head space.

One thing about not wearing my shirt. WW's family is mostly over weight. A tually WW is the only one that is not over weight. Even at the beach or pool they wear a shirt. I grew up on the coast, I never wore a shirt in the summer. My family is mostly athletic with toned bodies. We did not wear shirts around the house much less if we were jogging. When we first got married WW made a comment about me not wearing a shirt around the house or when I cut the lawn. I thought is was strange she even cared so I just started wearing it more. Anyways, just one of those differences in how we were brought up I guess. Now I guess it is joke worthy.

[WhyUs]

Rouky,

I can itemize the statements and show what she spent the money on. I will not have a problem doing that. I can't take my name off of the cards. I have changed all the numbers so she can not use them. The sad part is that she is just an authorized user. Her credit is not actually tied to the cards.

You are right that WW has always had someone to pay for her. Her parents have always bailed her out. She really has no idea what it means to be responsible with money. For the first time since we have been married she is in charge or her own budget. She opened up a credit card two months ago and has already run up $8,000. She really is clueless when it comes to money. She has already missed two student loan payments and two credit card payments.

I guess she will have to learn the hard way.

[angel r]

Those were the hardest days of my life and I would not wish them on anyone. For those of you just starting this journey, rest assured it does get better. I do not know if WW will ever be M with me again.

this is where i am, the hardest point of separation. She left 2 weeks ago. After i catered to her every need. I come home and i cry every single time. I havent had a bite in 2 days.

[Ancaire]

Sounds like you're really doing well, W! I'm so happy for you.

[Vanilla]

It looks like I am headed towards bankruptcy. WW ran up about $30,000 in credit card debt over the last 6 months we were together in my name. The temp financial order has me paying all of it. There is no way I can keep paying for the house, cars and consumer debt while also paying child support.

Man this is frustrating. I have always had perfect credit. I've never been a day late on a payment in my life.

I have a couple of ideas. will post on our joint thread.

Additionally if you want, you can ask Cadet to rebook the thread to V to keep it safe. My WH is the same. I too have large credit card debt attributable to WH.

V

[WhyUs]

V, I will look for you post.

JudyL, thanks for checking in. I am doing much better these days. Hopefully it will remain that way on this roller coaster.

angel r, sorry you are going through this. I will check out your thread.

[WhyUs]

First let me start by saying I had a great weekend with the kids. We did a lot of fun things together.

Regarding WW, things are a little strange. She reached out to some friends that I have been in contact with. She asked to meet them for dinner. Apparently she told them that she was only best friends with OM and said some things that she should not have said. (i.e wanting to be in bed with him, go visit him, stuff like that.) She told them that she had unresolved issues from when she was sexually assaulted in college. They agreed that she is not ready for a relationship with anyone, including me right now until she heals herself. They all agreed that her self-esteem was low and she needed to work on that.

She has never been on her own. She has always relied on someone to take care of her.( Me and her parents). She said she felt she needed to figure out how to take care of herself.

This is obviously not what she has expressed to our friends that will not return my calls or talk to me and have written affidavits supporting her in the temporary hearings.

They talked to her about not keeping the kids away from me and the importance of them having their father in their lives. They talked to her about not bad mouthing their father. She agreed with both of these things. She also said that she was not out to get everything in the divorce.

She did ask them what I had said. She started off by saying "I am sure WhyUs told you I was having an affair. " They told her that that is not how I presented it and that I did not talk bad about her.

Essentially, she said all the right things to them. I am wondering if she was just giving them lip service or was actually coming around to accepting the reality of the situation. Prior to this she has been telling everyone that it was all my fault because I was a terrible verbally abusive husband.

Hopefully her actions regarding the kids will match her words to them. Hopefully her actions regarding what she is telling our friends will match her words to them. If so, this will make a turning point for her. I honestly doubt this will be the case. We shall see...

After I heard all of this I started to feel relief. I wanted to reach out to her as if she were normal again. Then I remembered the whole believe nothing of what they say mentality.

I keep reminding myself that we have only been separated for 3.5 months. This is a short time in the grand scheme of things. For me to expect a major shift in her thinking at this point is unrealistic I would imagine.

Any thought...

[WhyUs]

I talked to the bankruptcy attorney today. He basically told me that there is no way I can file chapter 7 (eliminates all consumer debt). He said I make too much money and the creditors would not go for it. He said they would go after the business distributions for sure. I would have to file chapter 13 which would require me to pay all debt over 60 months based on what the IRS determines as disposable income. He said this would be more than I am paying now.

He said I should wait until after the divorce since the divorce decree will override anything in bankruptcy court. He said I should go for WW to pay half the debt since it is marital debt. Then, if I can not afford the debt to stop paying it and after 90 days creditors will start trying to negotiate a settlement with me. He said I did not need an attorney for this.

Money, money, money--so frustrating.

Well I'm getting ready to write another good faith child support payment that WW will probably spend on make up and clothes.