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Thanks for posting guys and I'm sorry I haven't posted on my own thread for a bit. I look in on others but don't have much news just now. I went to the divorce support group last night. That always gets me thinking. the theme last night was responsibility - your part in the demise of the marriage, your responsibility for yourself now and so on.

One theme we got onto was cheaters. If they cheat once, they will cheat again. A few people have said this to me and others in the group were M to repreat cheaters, so I understand that. This always sets me on a bit of a spin. I know the trajectory that many of these sitches take. It is possible that H may turn back at some point (he may not..) I kind of want both, and then I'm not sure what I want and then I tell myself it's a moot point just now, so why go back to it.

I guess for me, him having an A and filing for D puts a lot on him, and whilst I've learned some things about me as a partner for 'next time' there is some peace in how this has played out. I feel I truly tried to save things and can live with the outcome if we D.

But, if he does turn back to 'us' that turns things on it's head. And I know there is a chance of this, even if we D, and it then becomes me who would have to decide - and if I haven't yet decided, it isn't done. This is what troubles me. I don't know if I am done or not. And I know I don't need to even decide, but it does whirl around in my head and so that's why I'm posting it.

On the one hand I feel I would be thrilled if he was interested in 'us' - for so long I have lived with disinterest. And on the other, there is a familiar story of cheating spouses crawling back to the M when the affair breaks down and then doing it again...would I always live in fear of that? Again, I know it's pointless to worry, but it's on my mind. Then if I'm not one of the LBS's that the WAS turns back to - then maybe I'm not a good a wife as I thought I was....and is that kind of worse? Is my perspective of how I was - off??

I know this might sound as though I'm a bit stuck - but it is one of the things that regularly troubles me. Truly, I fully expect us to D - and we are carrying on along that route. Minimal contact - all pleasant. I have no idea what he is up to - nor he me. Not sure where I am going with this post really - just journaling what's on my mind.

On a more positive note - looks like I made a new friend at the divorce workshop. She lives in the same town and we share a lift now. I had a work review this week and my boss is thrilled with my work & wants to offer a permanent contract from April. I've been busy socially last weekend - I'm out again tonight.....lots of pleasant stuff going on really.

Anyway - thanks for reading and sorry if all a bit rambling. I guess my question to myself is if your S does turn back to you - how do you know the difference between truly repentant and likely to do it again?? And is the pattern with MLC cheaters different to those not in MLC? And how would you ever deal with the barrage of belief that you're a fool to take the lying cheat back? But if you don't take him back, have you abandoned someone at a time of crisis when they truly needed you?

Anyway, I'll leave it there before I go round that loop again. Have a good day all xx

Last edited by Sotto; 11/18/15 08:02 AM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2624750 11/18/15 11:47 AM
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Sotto,
You don't sound stuck at all. You are thinking and leaving the door ajar w/no expectations.

I'm glad you've made some friends from the divorce workshop. Congratulations on the work review. That's wonderful and a permanent contract...that's great!

You are an inspiration to everyone. Your positive attitude is what helps you accomplish so much in your life. Keep up the good work.

BTW, it's time to start a new thread.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2624976 11/19/15 12:14 AM
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I second Job on you being an inspiration Sotto ...
if I may offer a thought? I too have the thoughts about what's going to happen if he comes back, will it be too late like some of my friends predict? will they give me grief if I opt back in? will I always wonder if the other shoe is going to drop?
What I've come to decide for me is that I don't need to worry about not having an answer to the questions because we aren't there yet, so when I start going there in my head, I try to pull back to now and focus on the now. What can I do now to make me happy or at least make it easier to breathe ...

I hope that helps?

Congrats on the outstanding work news xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Thanks so much ladies! I don't see myself that way, but it's nice if someone feels even a bit inspired by me.

So, it looks as though we may have someone interested in the house. H emailed me last night to say they viewed it and loved it and may consider an offer. However, I've not heard any more today, so presumably no offer has been made yet.

H also said he was so sorry for missing my B'day and he hoped I had a good one. That's a baby step forward from last year where he missed it and never apologised. Is that progress?? grin Maybe next year, he'll remember it...just belatedly...

Incidentally, I took a step which I found helpful recently. H communicates with me using email mostly. I decided to take email off my iphone, so I'm not instantly available via that channel. It's been quite freeing to know that he only reaches me when I choose to check my mail. Of course he knows none of this and of course he could text, but he tends to use email. Just sharing in case this helps anyone.

Anyway, we'll see what happens with the house....

Another nugget from my workshop this week - communicate with your ex-spouse as though there are 'truce' conditions, rather than 'war.' I look at our communications and we certainly achieve that. I notice that H lapses in and out of my normal name and his pet name for me. Lately, it has been more pet name. I reverted a while back to his normal name and I've never changed from that. He used to be my (pet name) and I don't see him as mine anymore, so the pet name felt wrong.

Anyway - hope everyone has had a good day xx

Last edited by Sotto; 11/19/15 07:19 PM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2625252 11/20/15 02:50 AM
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job Offline
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Please start a new thread. This one is going to lock very soon.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2625271 11/20/15 03:50 AM
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Sotto, everything you posted above makes perfect sense. I do the same spin cycle in my head, and I too have to remind myself not to worry about these things unless they actually happen.

I think many of us actually worry about the "what if they come back" and the "do I even want him/her anymore?"

I believe that's why the vets say to use this time as a gift. For this exact reason so that we will know when/if it happens.

Your strength inspires me. Hope you are having a good night smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Sotto Offline OP
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Thanks Mleigh, it's good to know you feel that way too, and I think you are right about the gift of time. It's not the best outcome if a MLCer decides to return when we are still hopelessly codependent and desperate for them to want back in at any cost. Much better if more time has passed and we are more independent and able to look after ourselves at that point - thanks for the reminder.

Job, sorry about the new thread part....here's a link to my next instalment..

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=newpost&Board=28


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2625314 11/20/15 11:54 AM
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job Offline
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No need to apologize. I didn't want to see it lock before you had an opportunity to create a new thread.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2625391 11/20/15 04:01 PM
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Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2625416 11/20/15 05:38 PM
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Sotto Offline OP
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Ah....thanks Cadet grin


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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