Happy birthday Sorry it's late Your sounding up and positive I think it's ok to think about H and OW as long as it's kept in check to the facts as you know them
Bit silly of H to let birthday pass with even a text but MLC and all that.
Good to keep your mind open re dating because you never know who you will meet. Life can stage very quickly so let's se if Handsome Dan steps or some other tall , dark , handsome , mutilmillionare , charity worker who has discovered a cure for cancer or maybe world peace !!
Your a great person and dealing excellently with a very , very difficult situation
Keep being Sotto and being the best you posible ( personally I think your there already )
Thanks Bttrfly and RD....kind of you to drop in for a late birthday bash.
So, it's divorce group again tonight and I just did my homework. They asked you to pick some goals that resonate with you from a list - mine are:
To accept myself in this new situation Learn to let go of the past Learn to forgive Overcome feelings of rejection Heal from the traumatic experience of infidelity
Don't worry - five more weeks to go and one a week - should be fine Just kidding.
I realise that I do still struggle to let go. There is plenty of distance in our situation and I rarely initiate. But is distance being detached.....or is it just distance?
On the workshop, they encourage you to see yourself as 'now single' - because many divorced/separated people 'still feel married.' I must admit that - although I've done plenty to build a new life just for me - there is still a soft core of me that feels married. This is something to work on more I think. That balance of choosing to stand for the marriage - but also detached and gratefully accepting the outcome of D if that is what ultimately happens. It just feels like a difficult balance and I'm not really there yet.
I feel that in a practical sense, I can do so many things. And have done them. And I know I've come a long way. It just seems to take a while for the emotions to catch up - like strands caught on something and don't want to let go. Rational me really wants to let go....but there is some inner conflict there.
I guess part of it for me is - I know he has made a choice and I only get to control me. I think the other part is that he has chosen this much younger woman, with a history of infidelity and it was an affair. And so the dream he seeks - a new family - seems unlikely to come off when we look at the stats of affairs succeeding and third marriages succeeding. So, is it this that keeps me 'attached?' Would it help me just to let go of this outcome...of course it would - why would I put my own life on hold...but I still seem to struggle here as I expect things may 'run their course' and then what. I guess part of it for me is that we did have a good M - not perfect - but even H admitted he was happiest he'd ever been until the last year prior to BD. And I guess I just find it hard to process it all sometimes - even though I've been here for a good while now!!
I had a mini-exchange with H this week by email. I updated him on something and he took 48 hours to respond - but with a pleasant email - lots of thank you's and hopes I'm well. It's weird that our exchanges are so pleasant, given all that has passed. We truly are like distant colleagues....should I change it up a bit? I don't know...
Anyway - bit of a mixed time. Maybe part birthday, part time of year and part divorce course. But generally doing okay.
Take care all xx
Last edited by Sotto; 11/10/1505:59 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
To accept myself in this new situation Learn to let go of the past Learn to forgive Overcome feelings of rejection Heal from the traumatic experience of infidelity Great list...Maybe break a few of them down into some more manageable milestones.
colleagues....should I change it up a bit? I don't know...
Only if that is what you really want to do. Can you keep detaching yourself from the outcomes of all of this AND start to warm things up, especially without him making taking any real steps towards that himself.
I kept seeing myself as Charlie Brown with lucy pulling the football back when wife was not ready for better interactions with me...I had no idea what detachment even was so I kept trying.
Hi Sotto. What a really open and honest post. I envy your self evaluation and strength to admit that you hold some hope.
I see how much you struggle with what H has done / is doing because as you say the M was mostly good. I think the answer is MLC and that in itself is not really acceptable to any right thinking person We can reason. see things for what they are and look down the line at consequences of actions. They can't.
I applaud your standing while moving forward with your life. I do t think there will be one day when you let go but maybe time is the only avenue left to completely detach
Your list is comprehensive and challanging but I have no doubt you will achieve every one.
Re mixing it up with H. My thoughts would be no. At the moment your are getting a D and while that's happening I would be cautious of emotions running a wee bit high
If I sit back from your sitch and mull it over I feel H will want back eventually but Sotto will be moved forward that bit too far.
Again , your an example to us all of strength , grace and intelligence Throw in the compassion and an ability to find the worlds most extreme GAL and Sotto deserves better than H. ( current H anyway )
Hi Sotto, Wow. Impressive list. But you never back down from a challenge. Thank you for your honesty. I think your question about distance vs detachment is a very valid and savvy one. Many people think putting distance between themselves and someone else is detachment. WRONG. Distance is absence. Detachment is being in a non-reactive state as a response to something done or said by the other. At least that's my understanding.
One can be in the same bed as their partner every night, sleeping side by side, yet be detached.
Make sense? I'm ready to fall asleep as I type so I will leave you with that and my fond wishes for you xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Hi Sotto - you have set some very healthy goals for yourself. As always, your grace and wisdom shine.
You have tremendous clarity about all the variables with which you are dealing. It is so difficult to see a situation for what it is when the person in that situation has no self awareness whatsoever. In the end, that is what we here all have in common, right?
I am thinking of you and sending you much deserved positive karma.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I totally get where you are coming from in regards to the affair. I feel like I am in a similar situation. My H is having an EA with a woman 3,000 miles away in a different country. I know it will never work between them, so like you, part of me thinks I should just wait it out.
Anyway, you seem to have a good handle on your situation. You are getting a lot of good advice from the veterans on here.
Just stopping in to touch base and see how you are. I like your list for your homework. I wish I lived in a larger town where I had the chance to attend a support group or something like that. I think it would be immensely helpful.
Thanks for your always positive and thoughtful comments on my thread. I appreciate your support more than you know. Take care of yourself!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
On the workshop, they encourage you to see yourself as 'now single' - because many divorced/separated people 'still feel married.'
This is interesting. I thought that I was a rare species, LOL.
Originally Posted By: Sotto
I must admit that - although I've done plenty to build a new life just for me - there is still a soft core of me that feels married. This is something to work on more I think. That balance of choosing to stand for the marriage - but also detached and gratefully accepting the outcome of D if that is what ultimately happens. It just feels like a difficult balance and I'm not really there yet.
I feel that in a practical sense, I can do so many things. And have done them. And I know I've come a long way. It just seems to take a while for the emotions to catch up - like strands caught on something and don't want to let go. Rational me really wants to let go....but there is some inner conflict there.
You just described exactly how I feel. I get angry with myself once in a while too, for not being able to move past this attachment that I still have to H and to our history together.
Originally Posted By: Sotto
I had a mini-exchange with H this week by email. I updated him on something and he took 48 hours to respond - but with a pleasant email - lots of thank you's and hopes I'm well. It's weird that our exchanges are so pleasant, given all that has passed. We truly are like distant colleagues....should I change it up a bit? I don't know...
This is so similar to my story. At some point in my sitch H’s e-mails and texts changed from being dry, indifferent and point out rude, to nice and pleasant. Occasionally I still get the “dry” texts, and then I wonder if I did something to upset him. But I think this correlates with his moods. I think he is trying to be pleasant for whatever reason (still don’t know what to make of it), but sometimes just cannot help it, which makes me think that not everything is rosy in the Wonderland.
I don’t know if I can answer your question whether you should change it a bit. I’m still trying to figure it out myself. In my case, I was told (I also think this) that my H is very slow MLCer, so I’m just waiting it out, sort of. I’m not trying to engage or test him, I feel that this is not the time yet. But, in DB book Michele advices you to try new things if things are not working, or if there is no change in situation. It is up to you. I would be careful though. If you feel that he is not ready for this, don't do it.
Keep on keeping on!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Just kidding.