Sotto sotto voce

[Sotto]

Link to old thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2608363#Post2608363

Well, it's 14 months since BD for me. I haven't seen H for over a year now and we last spoke a few months ago. For the past few months he has been working towards D and we have exchanged financial disclosures. I received draft D papers in mid August and 'accepted' the contents. However H has yet to actually file for D.

Last I heard OW was still on the scene somewhere. Though it has always been rather off and on with her former partner somewhere in the mix too - messy.

I am busy as usual, enjoying work and new friends and interest. At some point I'll need to push things from my end I think, just to get financials sorted but I'm viable for now. I've certainly reached the point I'm confident I'll be fine either way. Though I know I would still be glad if H showed interest in working on things.

It's been a sad few days as I had to put my lovely old cat to sleep. She was a great old girl and I miss her. But other than that, life is moving forward and I am finding joy in it.

[Vanilla]

Lovely,

I am sad about OC, it's very sad to lose a treasured pet, especially when they have been in your life so long.

I believe in celebrating life, when an animal chooses to share their last days with you, it's a treasure of trust. A great gift.

Ep lost her pup very recently and is in grief too. Wanted to share the great gift animals give us by being in our lives.

(((((Love and hugs)))))
V

[rd500]

Hi Sotto. Just wanted to comment on how much more positive your opening post was on this thread compared to the last few. Your dealing with it all with such grace and control and it's very impressive. It's clear from your posts that you love H and maybe you always will In a post 3/4 back you mentioned handsome dan from your office and how you wanted him to be clear your not dating and then a couple of posts back you mentioned him again. What's today's thought on this attractive fellow ?

Could you be tempted into a date ? Would t be worth a toe in the water ? I'm not encouraging or anything like BUT I think it might be good for Sotto to see how it would feel

Just my pennies worth and as always what do I know !!!!

Take care and thanks for posting on mine. Rd. xx

[Sotto]

Thanks V. Yes, there is much to celebrate about her life. She was a great little companion for many years, bless her.

RD, thanks for the vote of confidence. Grace and control...I'm not sure I always see myself that way. I see myself as - altogether somewhat more messy!!

Ah, attractive colleague. Well, I have known this guy for almost 20 years. Not well, but I have always thought what a nice guy he is. He was always M during our acquaintance, but D last year. I don't know the circumstances.Part of me could certainly be tempted into a date. I have already thought that if he is in my area, I could go out for a drink with him on a friendly basis. I guess I just worry that:

a) it is a slippery slope....a friendly drink leads to another etc. etc.
b) I am married, and I don't want to be 'married and dating.'
c) If H wanted us to R, I think I would want to give it a try (depending on circs of course.)
d) I could be honest about c. - but then if he was happy to date me on that basis, would I be happy to date him?

So, in answer to your Q. Heck, yes I could well be tempted. Let's face it, my H has been living it up with a 29 year old for the past 18 months....part of me says, hey why wouldn't I? Whether that is truly what I want and whether it would be a good idea for me is another thing entirely. And something I would really want to think about. I think the bottom line for me is that until I am truly 'done' dating doesn't feel like a good plan at all. I guess it's just a bit hard to keep up the DB momentum when there is a nice, attractive guy who seems interested in me.

that's where I am on it all anyway.. and thanks for asking the question (do you regret asking it now?? )

[late30s]

Sotto, sorry to hear about the kitty.

You have been at this far longer than I, so I feel kind of silly even posting. You have shown yourself to be wise and I can honestly say that I respect your opinion. That said, I have been toying with the idea of dating, just toying mind you, because I always stop myself. Two things help, one I picked up on this board and I am sure you have heard it.

If your H came to you and wanted to R, would you be interested? If the answer to that is yes, it really isn't fair to the other person you may be dating.

Second. W has been seeing OM for some time and I can really get behind the justification you're talking about. The whole part where the spouse isn't being loyal, so why should you? I have asked myself the same question many times and each time it is the same answer. I am not her, the fact that I am married still matters to me and will continue to matter until I am divorced. Now this isn't to say that a LBS who decides to date is wrong. I don't think they are in the slightest, it is just how I have chosen to answer that question we must all ask ourselves from time to time.

God Bless you, Sotto. You are definitely a woman only a fool would leave.

[Sotto]

Hi Late, thanks for posting and for thinking me wise I think you are right about the 'interested in reconciliation' thing - that' the crux of it I think. TBH, I'm avoiding the attractive guy at work just now...and getting my head around it all.

I had another email from H today. He wrote empathetically about the cat, and how hard it must have been. We lost another cat together and he mentioned how difficult that was. It was a nice message.

He also updated me about the house. We have someone who came back for a second viewing but have a property to sell. They asked to be notified if anyone else makes an offer. So, we have two parties interested, but both with a place to sell. Sounds promising and I suspect only a matter of time until we get an offer.

I think H is initiating a little more lately. I recently went a month without making any contact with him and then he initiated. I wonder if his cage was a little rattled perhaps? I know it doesn't pay to wonder though. The lack of progress with D is a bit of an 'elephant in the room' in our exchanges. Neither of us mentions that. I'm just coasting right now, and I think the house sale will bring the financials to a head at some point soon, which is fine.

Other than that, all is well. My little upcycling project was a table. Bought for a fiver and reinvented with chalk paint and Orla Kiely paper. It was done in loving memory of my kitty and now has pride of place in my lounge.

Have a great Monday all xx

[rd500]

Hi Sotto. Glad H sent that email It's nice that he shows he cares. Lovely idea re the table and will be a nice way for her to be still with you.

H communicating more. Good. Let's leave that one to one side and see what that's about ( maybe )

Handsome Dan from the office. Seems your torn. Why ? A drink with a work mate and some get to know you time is just that unless he sweeps you off your feet ( how bad ? ). Whatever you decide you'll have my support Only you know how you feel about it.

Your sounding good and that's always nice to hear.

Take care. Rd xx

[123Gwen]

Sotto- you sound strong my friend. Glad to feel that strength and peace. You inspire me since we have much in common. 16 months since BD and 15 since he's been in town. We hardly talk and he doesn't reach out often to our girls either.

I think dating is scary BUT perhaps if an opportunity presents itself for a drink or dinner you may want to explore it. I think making a friend of the opposite sex is a good step for you. There are many people who don't want to be serious but just have someone to enjoy a new restaurant or movie with.

Anyway you get to decide - nobody else.

[Sotto]

Hi RD and Gwen, thanks so much for your kind words. I do feel in a good place and things have certainly shifted in me. Sometimes I just feel happines bubbling up for no particular reason. Maybe it's just because I feel so much better than I did 3,6,9 months ago and it is good to have 'me' back.

It's been a quiet week GAL wise, which is maybe no bad thing as I have still been a bit fragile since kitty died. But I had yoga class last night & tonight I'm off to a willow weaving workshop with my social group. Friday is bookshop, Saturday calligraphy workshop and Sunday out with a friend for the afternoon. It will be nice to be more social again.

I replied to the email from H after leaving things overnight. My replies are always more brief than his initiator emails. I'm almost scientific about that now. And then leaving things with him feels much easier, I just go about my own business. That used to feel much harder, so I feel that's progress.

I had a nice email from a former colleague yesterday. She asked how I was doing and I emailed her to let her know where I was up to with things. She replied to say - what a beautiful email. I was feeling concerned for you and was going to tell you to take care, but clearly you're already doing that. I'm so pleased for you!

So, I guess I keep moving forward & I'm feeling pretty peaceful and happy, which is not to be sniffed at given all that has passed!

Have a good day all xx

[Dawn70]

First, so sorry about the kitty. Hugs to you. On the date front, I TOTALLY understand all your reasons - particularly the whole slippery slope part. You just have to take it one step at a time and do what works for you.

I agree with what everyone above said that you seem strong and confident and moving ahead. It is hard, but there are many of us standing on the road ahead of you cheering you on.

I also totally understand your statement about getting you back. That has been the best part of all of this for me. I'm finally back and it feels good.

Good luck, Sotto, and keep on keepin' on!