I am a newbie here but here is my story. I have been with my husband for 35 years we have been together since high school. We have had good and bad times but for the most part it has been a great life. About two years ago he started into the MLC at first it was just getting hair transplants because his hair line was receding. He has not had any interest in picking out his own clothes until about this same time then it was wrinkle cream and teeth whitening. He has been a health and exercise nut for years so that was not new. The beginning of 2015 he had 4 friends die of cancer and another commit suicide. He started obsessing about getting old, getting cancer and formed a bond with another woman who was friends with another terminally ill friend. I started feeling something was off last February. When I questioned him he told me I was imagining things. I finally looked at his phone and found text messages that were way to intimate than I was comfortable with. He insisted nothing was going on but then he started deleting their texts and lying. He told me he loved me was very affectionate and sex life was great as always. I pulled his text history and it appears it did pretty much end for about three months. I insisted we go to marriage counseling which he agreed to. The night before our second session I found a text from her that said I love you and of course I went nuts. The counselor asked him to write a no contact letter which he agreed to but once she received the letter he went off the deep end. He started drinking excessively I would come home from work and he would be trashed. It took me a few days to catch on he was mixing vodka and beer. At this same time he started telling me he was unhappy and needed some time apart. I know exactly what day this became a physical affair and he has been on the crazy train for about 5 weeks. I discovered a text he sent that said he loved her. He moved out supposedly to go live with one of our sons. He left our house did take his stuff to son's house then went to see his best friend and his brother he told both of him he was staying at the son's house but drove directly to her house and basically moved in with her. I found him there three days later so intoxicated he does not even remember the night. I made him leave with me which only happened because I refused to leave the house and OW was going to have me arrested. He came home I convinced him to come home and get his head together. I gave him my anti-depressants and the crazy drinking stooped. He agreed to stay for 10 days. Everything was going very well 10 days came he had talked about things like he was planning on staying and then OW sent him 120 texts in about two hours. That days I think he blocked her two days later he called her went to her house and again came home said he was going to our son's house but again went directly to OW's home. He told me he loved me as he walked out and always would. She is so far from the type of person he would be attracted to it is hard to figure out. She is a chain smoker, cusses like a sailor, and drinks everyday excessively. He left on Labor Day spent two nights with her and has been at the son's house for the past two nights but that is only because he has equipment on the trailer that he can't leave on the street. He has cut off all contact with his friends, brothers, and kids. He knows what he is doing is wrong but can't seem to stop himself. I am much more attractive than she is and am DEFINATELY more of a class act. He has everybody who knows him confused because he is acting so bizarrely. I want my husband back but I cannot seem to reach him. I am having difficulties sticking to my word cutting off contact is really difficult. We went everywhere together and truly were best friends until OW got involved. I have told him he cannot be a part of my life as long as she is in his life. He refuses to cut it off and end it. At this point he is leaving his paycheck in our joint account but I am expecting she will start demanding more from him and he will have his check put into another account. I am trying to GAL but I am devastated that he is doing this. I hope he wakes up soon.
Hi PJH, I'm sorry you're here, and what is happening with your H certainly sounds like MLC to me. People in MLC generally 'affair down' so your description of OW doesn't surprise me at all. My best advice to you would be don't expect to have your H back any time soon and begin to live your life on that basis.
That doesn't mean he is never coming back, but you will drive yourself crazy if you are watching, wishing and hoping for an early return. Read as much as you can about MLC.
Edited...
This forum is great, and you will receive some good support from other posters too. It's worth having a read of the threads in MLC to get a feel for who's who and what is happening in their sitches. You'll be on moderation for a little while, and things may seem slow to start with, but keep on posting and you'll soon be fully fledged.
Lastly, on GAL. You say you are finding it hard. Let your H go for now. You can't help him. He can only help himself. Dig deep for GAL and make yourself do things. Think of things you always wanted to do, but never felt able. Rediscover yourself. Don't let all this pain go to waste.
Good luck to you xx
Last edited by Virginia; 09/11/1508:41 PM. Reason: Reference to other sites not allowed.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Hi PJH, I am sorry that you find yourself here, but welcome.
Sadly there is no quick fix and you have to leave your h to find his own way through this MLC. No matter what you do or say it will not speed things up, in fact they could push him further away, so for now its time to concentrate on yourself and leave h alone. I know its difficult, but you can do this, we are all behind you, here to support and help you along.
GAL and taking time for yourself is so important, this can be as small as taking time out for a bubble bath or a cup of tea, or could be start a new hobby, take up exercise or go out with girlfriends. What sort of things do you enjoy doing?
Journalling gave me an outlet for the constant thoughts and feelings I was having during the months after BD, and distractions were a big help - I took on a college course and colouring books!
The vets here are great with advise and really know their stuff, listen to them. Read as much as you can about MLC, it will help you understand what is going on with your h, what to expect (which helps prepare you) and how to get through it. Read other's threads, the different stages everyone is at, post on them if you like, ask questions or comment, its a melting pot of support and advise here.
So the important person in all of this is you now, getting you through this with sanity intact. You will make it and no matter what happens we are all here for you. Tell us a little about yourself ......
There is no quick fix but it seems to be helpful to read and learn about MLC
You are not alone..we have all experienced exactly what you are saying they usually affair down.. They may spend a lot also, so you may want to keep a close eye on the money I saw a lawyer after a while , just to learn my rights as I had 2 school age children at that time
I know it doesn't make sense, but MLC is thought to be a time some people go through due to suppressed childhood issues..its not about us
hang in there and try to take care of your self try to get counseling and make sure you eat, sleep and take care of you
On the other side of this it is usually the LBS that turns out ok and better than before
peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
We have three sons 30, 29,and 25. Our youngest just graduated from college and is still living in our home. All of our children are disgusted with him. Son he is living with has had a few confrontations with him. The oldest son just basically refuses to talk to him. The youngest son is the most confused because he lives here. He saw his father be affectionate and saw that he appeared to be happy until August 11 then suddenly he was very unhappy. He is here when H comes over hears him tell me he loves me and always will but refuses to drop OW. H is never mean to me tells me I am beautiful and admits we have been happy until he got involved with OW. We do not have any grandchildren.
Detaching is very difficult because we were literally constantly together. We have actually spent the last two evenings together things were great until OW found out which sent him into a panic. Found out today even his best friend did not know he left me. We own the home our son lives in and his story to his friends has been he is doing renovations to sell it. He has basically cut off communications with everyone but OW. His friends and brothers are shocked at what he is doing and pretty much don't want anything to do with him either. He does not want to hear he is screwing up.
