Oh my heavens. Thank you EMMess for your suggestion of reading No More Mr Nice guy. It really has opened my eyes just in the little I have read. Everything in there seems to fit me to a T. I am going to try to take the words to heart and work on meeting my own needs. Because no one else will.
Sorgan my friend. I am glad to hear that NMMNG is something that is resonating with you. It has helped many man here on their road to finding themselves and loving themselves. Continue down this path, become the Sorgan you envision being. Continue to GAL, to detach, create boundaries, give love and compassion but don't allow anyone to walk over you. You deserve love and compassion as well.
God Bless.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
I am planning on continuing this path. I realized that I have made unwritten contracts and not taken care of my needs for FAR too long. I also am realizing that fear has gripped my actions in all of this since BD. I was afraid of losing my W and kids. I was afraid I couldn't make it with out my W.
It is a process to change ones whole mindset and while the fear is there I know I need to push through it to be the best Sorgan I can be. I am not sure how my sich is going to turn out, but I am not going to let fear rule my life.
Today has been good so far. I limited me texts to my W. I asked of she wanted to go out with the kids my mother, and myself for my birthday dinner on Sunday. Didn't get a response so that was pretty sad but I made it through without pestering her. I went and got my haircut after work the first time been 6 months. So I'm feeling better about myself. I will post more before I go to bed.
Those are great things my friend! Keep it up! Small consistent changes. This isn't about her right now, it's about you. Love yourself, respect yourself, cats for yourself. She will eventually notice, but this, you are doing for you not her.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
I realized reading through NMMNG That no one will meet my needs but me and that my needs are important. I'm actually almost finished the book, And plan on rereading it later.
But I have noticed a dynamic change in how I act around my wife since reading through it. And hopefully I can have the strength to keep itoff that way. I no longer care what she does it is her decision and I can't control her I can only control me. She has noticed my distance thing and has begun pursuing me. Nothing major, but it's still a change even from just a couple days ago.
I plan on picking up the other book you suggested EMMess Tomorrow, And starting to read it. It is amazing how much free time you can find when you don't spend it all on video games. Lol
This makes me very happy to hear my friend. In such a short time you have come a long way. I praise you for beginning to love yourself, in respecting yourself and asking others to do the same, in caring for yourself. You are doing great, keep it up.
Don't worry about your W, continue to focus on you, this is for you. You will come out of this being a much better man, father, partner to her or someone else. The scary part about all of this is, that you might find that you won't want to be with W after all of this, but don't worry about that bridge until you get there, then the decision is all yours.
It is great to read, so continue to do so, look online for positive quotes, motivational videos on youtube. Get out of the house, do something for yourself, go to meetup.com, see what meetup which are free you can take part in, meet new people, look at groupon and see if there are some classes or events that you would like to do, get out of your comfort zone. This will all help you in regaining your confidence and self-esteem. Don't forget to do nice things for yourself, buy new clothes that fit you, workout (even if its calisthenics), manicures, colognes, etc. This will only ensure you grow from this experience.
You are in a great path my friend, keep it UP!
Other book recommendations: Honor Yourself, and Hang on to your N.U.T.S
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
I am going to try to find activities to do. I'm sure it will anger my W, but who cares. She isn't my W anymore. She is OM's GF. So why should it matter to me?
I will also look into the other two books you suggested.
That's right my friend. She decided to walk away from you, she is further deciding to speak to OM as if you weren't even around. You go focus on you, make Sorgan happy, find yourself, and spend time with your kids, they didn't ask for any of this, so make sure you do great things with them as well.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
Thanks EMMess for your continued replies and encouragement. It means a lot.
I know my kids didn't do anything to deserve this. They are actually the primary reason I haven't left the MH yet. They don't deserve what my W is capable of currently. I have strongly been considering filing for a S the last two days though, but my kids are the reason I haven't.
I have been trying to figure out some free activities to do with my kids in the afternoons and weekends. I am gonna look into that meetup.com site tonight after the kids go to bed.
I do have plans to go out to dinner with them and my mom tomorrow and then my dad and stepmom and kids monday. So at least I have things to do for them for the next two days. Lol
I am glad to hear that you are doing much better and continuing to focus on you and the boys.
My advice is to not leave the MH, she wants out, she should leave. Again, I will stress tho, that if you are finding it difficult to live with the in house S, I would do what's best for me and the kids.
Don't be afraid of getting the S because of the kids, it sounds to me that you should look into getting custody of them if you feel that they will be in some danger if you leave them with W. Take them with you to where ever you decide to move to and of course allow her to visit and spend time with them. Again, consult with an L to understand your rights better.
Do look into MeetUp, you can find some great things to do. Look to see if there are any sites for your area that list free things to do for kids on the weekends.
Keep up the good work, and remember, you are loving yourself but also working on loving your W from a distance, and accepting her for who she is at the moment. Allow her to make her mistakes without you rescuing her, she needs to learn from her decisions and choices.
God Bless you
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
That was pretty sorry of her not responding to your birthday invitation, but certainly not uncommon for a WW. I hope you will graduate, soon, from giving her invitations to family functions.
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I am going to try to find activities to do. I'm sure it will anger my W, but who cares. She isn't my W anymore. She is OM's GF. So why should it matter to me?
So true! I think when a person lives a life where they measure every action by whether or not it will make their spouse angry.....it's a very unhealthy R. I'm not saying a couple should not be considerate to each other's feelings (in an otherwise normal MR), but not to the point you can't be your own person and do some things simply b/c you chose to do it. Otherwise, the spouse will control every aspect of your life. I remember the days when I would hear women say, "I'll have to ask my H". Now, I am hearing a lot of men act as if they have to ask their W.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I meant accepting where she is at this particular point in time, what she feels is her current reality, and who she has become, if different from who you remember her being.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
She went on sunday, apparently begrudgingly. My Family was nice to her. Yesterday she apparently wanted to go to my dads thing for me, and i made the mistake of saying that they didn't want her to go. She got really hurt and angry. We argued for an hour. She said if i went with the kids she was gonna file a D. I calmed her down and took the kids. She was ok when i got home. I told her my family doesn't matter, if she wants to work on our R, i'll defend her against anyone.
Yesterday she apparently wanted to go to my dads thing for me, and i made the mistake of saying that they didn't want her to go. She got really hurt and angry. We argued for an hour. She said if i went with the kids she was gonna file a D. I calmed her down and took the kids. She was ok when i got home. I told her my family doesn't matter, if she wants to work on our R, i'll defend her against anyone.
I'm glad you brought this up, b/c this very thing is an example of not keeping the road home paved smoothly. You guys think it means jumping through hoops and giving the whole dog & pony show. It's not.
Once a man tells his wife his family doesn't want her there..........she NEVER forgets it. It is there in her heart/mind forever. You may tell her you don't want her going......but do not say anything about your parents having negative feelings toward her. (Unless it is an extreme situation, where she could cause a scene and ruin a formal occasion, or something of that nature.). It is always a touchy area with the in-laws. Next time, firmly tell her you do not want her there, and don't bring your parents into it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well crap. I tried to play it off later and said I wish she had came and it was a misunderstanding. But I guess you said it. She never will forget it and the damage is done.
She went back to talking to him. They talked while me and the kids were gone. I hope that didn't close things between us. I am trying to keep the road back smooth. She cried a little after I said that and said. "Now I have to own it" i had told my dad because when bd first happened, before i found this site, I was trying to stay in his RV. I wish i hadnt told him. I told them not to say anything to her if i brought her over in the future.
Now I feel like crap. I kmew it was a mistake when she got mad. But now I am worried it is permanent damage.
Sorgan, what's done is done my friend. Learn from the mistake, from the advice that Sandi just gave you. You will hopefully have an opportunity to better explain your comment in the future. For now, continue to focus on you and your goals, work on validating, and being compassionate.
This is another bump in the road (there will be many more).
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
I completely understand the feeling. I feel that fear as well. The thing is that this new to us, and we won't have all the answers readily available for all our interactions. You will learn from your mistakes, and hopefully they are not devastating enough to cause you to lose any chance at R.
Keep your focus in you.
How's the reading going? Find anything fun or interesting to do on MeetUp? How about activities with the kids?
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
Found a few things on meetup, but most of it only fits my weekend time schedule.
I did start the application process to go back to college last night. I have wanted to do it for a long time. So I decided last night to start the process. Hopefully my FAFSA makes it reasonably ßsßs
That's awesome my friend. Do the meet ups on the weekend. The news about you starting college again is great, I am planning the same thing. Keep it up!
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
Life is getting easier to deal with. I still miss W desperately and check my phone during the day for a text I know isn't there. She is still talking to OOM, but says she is having doubts about him. I try not to acknowledge or talk about OOM with her, but I still want her to feel like she can talk to me. So if she says something about OOM, I listen give a short reply and change the subject.
I am keeping myself busy with chores and house repairs(by my own choice, I hate a messy ugly house. Lol)
I have an interview with a school on Saturday and hopefully will be starting in November. So I will finally be working towards my Business degree.
I still have no clue where my M is going. I know my W isn't going to file or leave until my D3s start school next year. So if D is going to happen it is a ways off, but I have made my peace for either outcome. I still hope for R, but I know I will make it if we D.
I am going to try to fund sone activities to do this weekend on meetup.com so hopefully I'll have a fun weekend. :P
Thanks everyone for all your kind words, advice, and support. (Especially you EMMess!!! )
This makes me very happy to read. You seem to be in a good direction. I argue against the whole listening to her talk about other man tho, you are not her Gay BFF (as Sandi kindly states it). That's her business and you shouldn't be supporting that BS. You married her and you are trying to keep your family together, remember that. You deserve respect.
Aside from the above, you are doing great my brother, I mean WOW! School? That's AMAZING!!! Continue forward. The meetups will get you meeting new people, and that's always great. Remember to do awesome things with the kids (all within monetary reason). Freedom is great but think of your financial, emotional, physical responsibilities.
I am always checking on your progress, so please keep posting. I am rooting for you!!!
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
Well apparently the OOM made ny W mad last night. (Something about him wanting or asking to get another girl) Not sure if it will stick. But she said she is done with him.
I know this means nothing to our R, but it did help me sleep easier last night.
Well apparently the OOM made ny W mad last night. (Something about him wanting or asking to get another girl) Not sure if it will stick. But she said she is done with him.
I know this means nothing to our R, but it did help me sleep easier last night.
You can't change your path now. Just because she may (?) be done with him doesn't mean she will default to wanting you. Especially if you abandon your tack now.
I'm non looking into it too much. She is talking to him again now. Not sure if she is telling him off or he is saying sorry, but I digress.
The man I have become will not change just because she stops talking to him or wants to be with him. I like the person I have become too much to change it for anything. My kids like me so much more now, house is cleaner, and in general I like my life too much now to want to stop. It did make me a little hopeful until she started talking to him again.
But the new and improved Sorgan is here to stay. Lol
Well things are back to usual it seems. It was nice while it lasted, but I expect to see her messaging him all day today. They apparently kissed and made up on their game last night.
Things have settled in around here. I'm in the middle of my school admission exams and should be finishing them tomorrow evening. I am keeping to my changes and have noticed a change in my W's attitude towards me. She no longer insists that we aren't together and is trying to act like we are a couple again. However, she is still talking to OM and I'm not going to try to work on our R or even acknowledge it as long as she is.
Hopefully I won't have a sick child this upcoming weekend and I'll actually be able to go out. One of my D3s had an infection from a tick bite she scratched too much. So I'm looking forward to doing something if finances permit it.
Well things are back to usual it seems. It was nice while it lasted, but I expect to see her messaging him all day today. They apparently kissed and made up on their game last night.
Don't feel bad. My WW did the same thing to me a couple of months ago. Actually left the house and stayed with a friend overnight. She called me in tears explaining everything, and like a chump, I not only listened to her sob story about OM, but even gave her gas money to leave town. I was excited at the prospect of her leaving OM and thought maybe this was finally my chance. It lasted all of one day before they made up, then everything back to normal for her. In fact, she seemed to get even closer to OM after they made up, and more distant from me. It wasn't long after that when she filed for D.
I know it's easy to do but you can't let yourself get involved in the emotional ups and downs of your WW. She may leave OM, or she may not, at least not for a while. Even if she does, she likely will go through withdrawal for a few months before she's remotely ready to start talking about a R with you again. Patience is your friend. Keep on working on yourself, spending time with your kids, GAL, all the usual stuff. Seems like you're doing well, so keep it up.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
Couple things stand out to me... Keep reading the books, thing that is jumping out at me is the lack of respect your W has for you, this is something you must work on, doing the GALs with going back to school is a start for you to regain your self esteem and your self respect. You really need to start drawing a line and making some boundaries, you are not the BFF here, she can chat about her boyfriend to her girlfriends... channel Clint Eastwood, would he sit and listen to his W chat it up about her OM? Second thing... Stop allowing your W to take up all that rent in your head, you worry about her being upset .... Take a step back... Who should be upset in your sitch? I get and totally get the smoothly paved home concept, but often times so do the WWs , so what is there for her to lose? You can fix you and become better from all this.... But until you earn some respect it all will be for not . Do your thing, she will do hers .... At the moment she has the best of everything so nothin will change till there is a shift
Thank you so much DWH, Cali, and Sandi for your responses. Every bit of support and advice I get from this board always is appreciated and helps.
I am working on gathering some money to get some of the other books EMMess suggested. I know I need to demand more respect from my WW, but she is always so quick to get angry and mad. I know I shouldn't care if she does at this point, but I want to keep things smooth. It's hard finding that balance between keeping things smooth should she decide to return and demanding the respect I know I deserve.
That's why the GALs are so important, and not just the "I snuck out and watched a movie" type stuff .... I'm talking the golden GAL that engages you, something new and exciting, out of your comfort zone. These activities help you rebuild the self esteem that is generally shattered after BD.
You can not really 'demand' she respects you... But you can start EARNING respect by placing boundaries and enforcing them, not out of punishment but out of your newly developed self worth.
Be warned... She will test these, and she will spew, because that's what YOU react to... Start your 180 now by refusing to react/engage/tolerate her spew sessions ... Calmly reply with a " I will not be talked to this way any longer, when WE can have a civil calm discussion about this topic I would be more than willing to discuss things further" end it right there and walk away. You start ending the discussions (37) ... You start owning your life, and people who disrespect you and your family have no place in it .... This includes your W
I am going to try to get out of the house this weekend. I can't sit around the house lonely any more. I miss my W, but she isn't here anymore. Well, not in a figurative sense. She is still physically here. Lol
I need to find healthy non-sexual adult interactions. It kills me to sit around after my kids go to bed. It isn't healthy to be lonely for someone that doesn't want to be around me. Heck I wish I had the finances to go bowling or to movies or something during the week, but I struggle to pay my bills enough as it is.
On a lighter, happier note, I finished my admission exams tonight abd should find out the results tomorrow around lunch time. So, all I lack is my transcripts and FAFSA and I will be ready to start my classes. Hopefully, with any luck, I'll be starting school on November 1st.
As always, thank you everyone for your care, advice, and support. I don't know where I would be without it.
Well it has been a rough couple of days since I last posted. Apparently I failed the "Is our school a good fit for you?" Quiz and got rejected, so that was a huge blow to my self esteem. My W continues to talk to OM. We have had some enjoyable moments, but it seems that any error I make is magnified tenfold to her.
I wasn't able to get out this weekend like usual. The W took our D4 to disney on ice with her mother and I stayed home with the other 3. It is getting harder for me to be here all the time. Finances prevent most GAL activities for me and I haven't had much success finding free ones that interest me or that I can work into my schedule.
My W talkes of a future with me and the kids now. I try to ignore it, but it's hard to because I want those things so much. She still talks to OM and tells him she is still avoiding me when she seeks me out on occasion now. She seems to want him sexually and me as a caregiver. I don't know what is going on in her head though. She lies to both of us, I am just smart enough to see her lies I guess, or OM doesn't care.
I need to detach more again, as all her talk and touches drag me right back in. I feel so lost and lonely most of the time now.
It was through enough of this pain that I evolved to it hurting less. It takes time to work through the mourning of your marriage and the wife you married. There is nothing I can say to make the pain go away but please believe if you put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward it will eventually hurt less. Be strong
Thanks mutatio. I know the pain will eventually subside, but it is hard to see in the moments. Especially right after we seem to have a genuine connection.
Its been a while. Just caught up with your sitch. Sorry to hear about the entrance exams, don't let this failure keep you from retrying. Get back up, dust yourself off, and study some more, destroy that exam. Check out Khan's Academy, some of the many subjects he tutors in for free are heaven sent to understanding some that may be on your exams.
Continue reading the books, add another if you can "Honor Yourself by Patricia Spadaro; great read. Practice small steps, if you can't make it to the gym, work ou from home, do 100 push-ups, 100 sit-ups, 100 crunches, break it down to 3 - 5 sets and 30 sec - 1 min rest in between.
Do what you are doing, you have come a long way, we are rooting for you. Continue to look at meetup.com, they are creating new meetups all the time, you might find something that would interest you there.
Just wanted to pass by and provide me support. God Bless.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
Well it has been a rough couple of days since I last posted. Apparently I failed the "Is our school a good fit for you?" Quiz and got rejected, so that was a huge blow to my self esteem. My W continues to talk to OM. We have had some enjoyable moments, but it seems that any error I make is magnified tenfold to her.
I wasn't able to get out this weekend like usual. The W took our D4 to disney on ice with her mother and I stayed home with the other 3. It is getting harder for me to be here all the time. Finances prevent most GAL activities for me and I haven't had much success finding free ones that interest me or that I can work into my schedule.
My W talkes of a future with me and the kids now. I try to ignore it, but it's hard to because I want those things so much. She still talks to OM and tells him she is still avoiding me when she seeks me out on occasion now. She seems to want him sexually and me as a caregiver. I don't know what is going on in her head though. She lies to both of us, I am just smart enough to see her lies I guess, or OM doesn't care.
I need to detach more again, as all her talk and touches drag me right back in. I feel so lost and lonely most of the time now.
Many of my GALs didn't cost a thing but the nerve to do them. Get out... Take long walks/runs .... Exercise is a very good outlet.
As far as her lying to the OM and him not knowing or caring... Probably both... He is getting free milk what's not to like, I arrived at a point I made the OM fill ALL her needs , dude was no where near the man I am and only wanted the fun stuff and had no clue how big the train was behind the locomotive ... This freed me up to be able to work in myself
Focus on you, become a better person ... Not for her, for yourself and the kids
I made the OM fill ALL her needs , dude was no where near the man I am and only wanted the fun stuff and had no clue how big the train was behind the locomotive
This is a very evocative image. Ill need to keep this in mind.
As you may know, my W is OM's OW. Couple of long trains in that R - will be interesting to watch how long they are willing to fullfill ALL of the other's needs.
Thanks Cali and Sandi for your words of support. They mean a lot. Although I don't know how much of the train OM could see living 600 miles away. I try to leave those thoughts about OM alone for my own sanity.
Thanks Emmess for your support and suggestion of that book. Ill try to pick it up next chance I get. And Nothing I failed was academic related. Thats kinda the kick in the crotch. I passed all that but failed the exam about how commited to school i am and how much time I could devote to studying, etc.
Abd no need to worry about Hijacking anything Azzork. Every post helps contribute and at least lets me know people are reading up and caring about me and my sich.
I know I'm suppsed to only show her happiness even if I'm hurting, but does that include when she is texting OM around me or if I catch her taking selfies (Nude or Not) for him? If so, how am I supposed to do that? How do I push that to the back of ny mind to be happy for her?
I am so sorry to hear this Sorgan. This is a very tough situation, I couldn't imagine being around that, walking in on her taking selfies. I will first commend you for your patience. I would have stood firm on her not disrespecting me, our children, and our home; that although it is over between her and I, we are still parents and should have respect for one another.
Remember you are honoring yourself, loving yourself. Set boundaries, especially in your home. Enforcing your boundaries would be tricky at times, how can you drive home the fact that you won't accept this? Do you continue doing things for her? To make her life easier?
Hang in there my friend...
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
I know I'm suppsed to only show her happiness even if I'm hurting, but does that include when she is texting OM around me or if I catch her taking selfies (Nude or Not) for him? If so, how am I supposed to do that? How do I push that to the back of ny mind to be happy for her?
Come on, Sorgan! Do you truly think you are suppose to walk around smiling like a dunce while she's texting OM in front of you? Have some balance in this stuff. What is your boundary about her conduct? What consequence does she have when she starts texting him? Same thing about sending a man nude pictures. Are you suppose to sit back with a big ole smile on your face and ask her if there's anything you can do for her? No!
Maybe we should clear up about showing only happiness around the spouse. In other words, you don't sulk, pout, cry, whine, act pitiful and look at her with puppy eyes, act as if you've lost last friend, stomp around, throw things down and walk out in a huff, etc. You don't show her she's getting the best of you by breaking down, becoming all melty-man on her, and things along those lines. But neither are you suppose to jump up and click your heels together if she's sending naked pictures of herself to another guy.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I usually leave the room if she starts texting, but I usually am upset and it shows. I guess i need to work on that. The few times i have caight her sending nudes to him I walk away so I don't blow up in anger.
As far as a punishment I dont really do anything to punish her per se. I don't do much for her at this point anyway. I clean and cook now(a total 180 from what I was) but that is for the kids and me, not her. Should I tell her I'm going to cut off her phone? She would probably get on her mom's plan if I did and the contract cancellation fee would hurt me financially, but that would be a minor punishment i guess.
I'm not sure what else I could do besides being very distant from her, but she doesn't seem to mind that.
I usually leave the room if she starts texting, but I usually am upset and it shows. I guess i need to work on that. The few times i have caight her sending nudes to him I walk away so I don't blow up in anger.
I don't know of a lot of things you could do, but other folks may have some ideas. The only problem I see in just walking out of the room is that it appears the same as if you were giving her privacy to talk to OM.
Starsky use to tell his WW, "I hope that's not the OM you are texting b/c it would be incredibly disrespectful to me, as your H"......or something along those lines.
As I woman, I think one of the best things a man can say whenever his W is spewing,.... or just showing any kind of disrespect, is to say, "You are so unattractive at this moment". Now, grant it, some b'tches may say they don't care, (and some are so wayward, they don't care), but I'm silly enough to believe that that little truth dart does sting some women, just the same.
I understand about the anger. It's best to leave if you feel you are about to blow a fuse.
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I clean and cook now(a total 180 from what I was) but that is for the kids and me, not her.
Oh sure, that's what they all say. It's never for the W. I think in a WW situation, that is a 180 that men should not do. As long as the kids have food to eat and clean clothes to wear to school.....why do all her work? So she has more time for OM? Sorry, I guess I'm so frustrated at all the H's who immediately think a 180 should be to do the housework and cooking. If she wasn't wayward, and wanted to save the M.....then sure, chip in and help. But for a wayward, it just makes her treat you worse. She not only doesn't appreciate it, she disrespects you for doing it. (I know, crazy.) Do you cook for her? Do you wash the linens, towels, her clothes, clean her bathroom, bedroom, etc? It's rather hard not to clean and cook without everyone benefiting. But I digress.
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Should I tell her I'm going to cut off her phone? She would probably get on her mom's plan if I did and the contract cancellation fee would hurt me financially, but that would be a minor punishment i guess.
Like you said, it won't stop her. I went and bought a pay as you go phone, and my H never knew about it.
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I'm not sure what else I could do besides being very distant from her, but she doesn't seem to mind that.
No, she doesn't mind a bit, b/c she's deep & heavy into her A.
You leave her alone, do the cooking and housekeeping, so it sounds as if she's got it made.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for your reply sandi, I really aporeciate your advice.
I do the cleaning everywhere but the MBR, she stopped cleaning when OM came into the picture. I left it be until the kids started hurting from it. (No clean clothes or sippy cups, or cloth diapers)
I cook now because since me stopping video games I have nothing but free time. She doesn't pick up the kids toys or anything. But you make a good point. She really does nothing but play her game and talk to OM, and I'm enabling that.
How can I make a happy medium where my kids don't suffer, if she won't do the housework?
At some point the kids needs outweigh proving a point to the wife. I have to cook dinner every night now because my wife works late. I don't mind any more. I now cook well enough that I get the occasional compliment.
Some of the things your facing I never had to face so I can't give you experienced advice. Please know though that I support you and wish you the best. Be well
Thanks mutatio Your support means more than you know.
I do dinner most of the time and taught the kids to thank who ever makes dinner(that was before bd) So I do at least hear thanks from the kids every night. Also like I said the kids laundry and picking up their toys is for them. They don't deserve a messy house or dirty clothes and they need clean diapers.
I do my own and the W's laundry, but thats mostly cuz I'm too lazy to separate it. Lol
I really am lost about my R though. She says she is "weening" herself off OM, but that is a lie. I'm not sure why she is lying to me when it is obvious she isn't. She likes seeing me happy and I try to show her that. But it is hard being so lonely and trying my best not to be needy with her. I don't want to treat her like there is nothing between us, but I feel like that is what needs to happen almost.
She talks about a future with me (another child, building a new house for us) but it's hard to believe that when she is still talking to OM so much.
It is good that you are at least conscious of what is happening, work with that, accept that it has happened and decide that it won't continue. This is part of your journey, build up your self-respect, and self-love. You are doing good, and I commend you for your patience, and being cool under these circumstances.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
Mutatio, I guess my wife would be a world class fiddler then. Lol That made me smile.
I don't know what to think half the time. She comes to me talking about buying a new house and a future that she knows I want, but when I see what she says to OM it confuses me. I know I'm not supposed to snoop, but if I didn't I would think she wants to be with me and actually is trying to stop talking to OM.
She tells me he is an jerk who flirts with the other girls on their game and wants her resources too much. She tells OM that I stalk and creep on her and how she wants him sexually. She tells him lies about the things I do and excludes that she asked for my company in situations. She says to OM that she is only nice to me because she volunteered me to cut her Grandparents (She was raised by them so it is almost her parents) grass and she is worried I would tell them the sitch.
She tells him she can't wait to get out if here and things of that nature. So, I get thrown for a loop big time. She is good at playing the both or one of us. I know OM has no clue about how my W and me actually interact like and I wonder what he would think of the truth(Mostly in hopes he would walk away). The onlytime truth I have seen her tell OM isand that I get upset when I see her text him. Supposedly OM is getting a new phone in a Week (I find it hard to believe he has had no phone for 3 weeks) so they have only been talking through their game and the LINE app lately.
I am very confused so much of the time. I want to believe my wife, but I find it hard to when I see the messages she sends to OM. I have calmly and politely told my W that, if she doesn't mean these things, don't tell me things about the future and if she wants to visit OM and end our M, as much as I don't want that and it saddens me, I would respect her decision. She shows no remorse or guilt for her EA, although she claims to feel guilty.
I am to the point where I can healthily accept a D or us working on our R. I mostly just want closure. I hate seeing her tell OM these things and tell me other things, but I dont want to call her out on it and say I have been spying and start a big fight. This Limbo is very hard to deal with. It stresses me out.
On a side note I have started doing some Yoga and it has helped to ease the stress and makes my back feel better. Working in Landscaping has done a number to my back over the last decade. Lol
I hope W isn't lying, but yiu are usually right, sandi.
OM is getting a new phone supposedly Tomorrow or Tuesday, so we will see if the phone calls start again. That will answer my question. If they talk again, M is over for now. If not, maybe she is working towards R.
I hope W isn't lying, but yiu are usually right, sandi.
OM is getting a new phone supposedly Tomorrow or Tuesday, so we will see if the phone calls start again. That will answer my question. If they talk again, M is over for now. If not, maybe she is working towards R.
Your hope is the problem. You are so eager to believe she's your W that you will squint at the reality to try to twist the bs she's spewing into the truth. The easiest people to con are people that want to believe the con. You can't afford to buy this.
Look, if she was genuinely done with the affair, feeling remorseful, and ready to recommit to the M...she would be eager to prove it to you, would understand your skepticism, and would be willing to earn your trust back little by little.
I'd like to see you write out clear next steps of what you will do when you don't see the proof you're looking for in the next 48 hours. I haven't read every update, but it seems like you've been playing this game for way too long now. At what point are you going to do something else? What will that look like? When will you do it?
Hang in, I know it isn't easy, but even a difficult reality is easier than a pleasant fiction.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
My friend, as of lately I've been reading a lot of literature based on Stoicism, and one of my favorites is "The Obstacle is the way" as well as "Meditations". In the reading I have come across the three disciplines which one should try to apply to every obstacle or pain being encountered. They are:
1. Perception - and our ability to change it, look at something objectively, without applying emotions to it. (if you were looking at this as a friend, what would you advice your friend in this situation?)
2. Actions - our ability to take the needed actions to work through our obstacle or adversity (What can you do to turn this around? Remember her actions need to have consequences)
3. Will - Your inner power to continue when all seems dark (Believing in something higher than yourself also helps tremendously with your Will)
With that said, you are being lied to my friend, deep down you know it, and I believe you are still in the denial phase, which is find, it is normal, this is exactly where you need to be. I would urge you to take a walk and try to look at this objectively. There will never be a chance for R if she is talking to OM, you know this as well my friend.
One thing that I am noticing is that you know a lot about OM, how do you know he is getting a new phone? Are you having these conversations with her? If so, you need to stop this, you are not her BFF.
Keep working on yourself, stay focus (Follow One Course Until Success).
God Bless brother!
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
I'll think on that and get a list together for you all and myself and post it later tonight or in the morning.
Thanks for your replies EMMess, you always have some good tips.
As for how I know so much about OM, I refuse to talk to my W about OM. The only reason I know anything is because I snoop on the W's phone every morning. She doesn't know that I know her phone's password so she doesn't delete any messages, and the reality of what they talk about lately is a lot easier to see than what my mind would imagine if I didn't know.
My friend, take it from someone who has been there and still struggles with this. You are doing yourself more harm than good by snooping through her phone. My wife doesn't know I know hers as well, and as I write this it makes me sad, and makes me feel pathetic.
As much as I wish things weren't where they are, and that this is what she was doing, it doesn't change the fact that we are here, and these are her actions. I don't want to know what she is doing, I want to just move forward and be at peace and happy with my own life. No matter what I do, snoop, confront, she will do what she wants and my actions will only push her away. I am not saying accept what she does, there still needs to be a sense of boundaries and respect between you both but worry more about Sorgan than W.
Make a goal to not snoop on her phone in the am, to focus that energy on doing some meditation, doing push ups, or going for a power walk in the morning.
God Bless brother.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
Well, OM called last night... I went for a run and did some thinking to figure out what and how I wanted to phrase my words.
2 Hours later when she got off the phone with him I told her, in not so few words, that I won't do this again. I will not be her partner if she is going to talk to OM anymore. I told her I won't listen to talk about the future, I won't help her in the sense of a H, we would split the chores 50/50, and I wouldn't be her BFF, I would be her Coparent and nothing else if she kept talking to OM at all. I told her she had until Thursday to block him in Line, her game, and send him a No contact message or I would start acting this way and treat her answer as choosing OM.
Good for you! Curious as to why you gave her till Thursday to block him. Just FYI, whenever you give a WW a deadline, she will usually wait till the 11th hour to act (if she acts) on it.
So glad you told her about the no contact letter. Do not just accept her "word" that she ended things with OM.
Are you prepared to go the distance on your decision? Will you be able to live under the same roof while she conducts her A?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I gave her til Thursday because I didn't want to demand my W make the choice right there and come off like a jerk. Plus, i want her to make the choice she is sure of.
As for following through with the consequences, I kept them at a level I could follow through with, so it wouldn't be empty threats.
The only part I'm not sure about is living with W if she continues. I'll try to double up on my hobbies to distract myself, but it will be hard to focus on.
This right here my friend is great. I mean you are a completely different person than when you first started out here. It is great to hear that you took action.
Sandi has some great questions for you, and your answers are equally as good. I would suggest you think things a little bit more about living under the same roof as her. Do you pay the rent? Does she contribute? If I recall correctly she doesn't. You could ask her to leave, as she does not respect you, your feelings, and your family. Why should she have a free ride if she has made a decision not to be with you? Those are just my thoughts, I know it isn't easy, we don't want to push our wives out the door and this fear keeps us from regaining our self-respect most of the time.
Either way brother, you are doing great, keep it up. This is a stand that I hope you stay firm with.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
Plus, i want her to make the choice she is sure of.
This is difficult. Im not really sure what advice to give about this, but I dont know how she can be "sure" she is making the right decision either way. All she can do is look at whats in front of her and make a choice.
In any case, stay strong Sorgan. Im thinking of you.
Good to see you step up and actually voice yourself here.... And as Sandi touched on, staying firm NOW is and will be a pivotal not just in your relationship, but your life.... That's a hard line strong stance and she may test/spew/puppy dog eye you but you must hold firm or just throw any chance for her to respect you as a man out the window
If she presses you on this, be calm... Like dead calm and emotionless and let her know... If OM is who she wants then HE can fill ALL her needs .... Her choice and you will respect that but she also needs to know you too have a choice of who is in or out of your life
Thanks EMMess, Azzork and Caliguy for your words of support.
I know this time is going to be crucial because I doubt she will give up OM without testing me. Even though Monday was the only phone call I still think she isn't going to do NC letter or blocking him tonight. I don't want to have to follow through with what I said, but I know for her to respect me and for anything to change, I have to if she won't stop talking to OM.
We will see how it goes. I'll update tomorrow morning.
Well, she called him, and so my watch begins. This is going to be so hard, I will need all the support I can get. Please be praying for me guys.
She is content but not happy we me, refuses to stop talking to OM and even said she wants to stop being a couple. So after two weeks of her acting in love with me and wanting to be with me it all fell apart so quickly.
I must atay strong though and hope for the best future and maybe my W back, but it doesn't look like that is going to happen any time soon.
Really! You don't know where one ends and the other starts?
Let me give you a tip. Don't measure it by anything she says. All WW's think anyone who doesn't do exactly as they say or want ......is an a-hole. There. Does that help clear it somewhat?
You can't be a nice guy to a WW. You can't make a WW happy. You can't make up for the past. This woman is not who you M. She doesn't want you for a H. Why would you be concerned about being an a-hole to a cheater?
Does that give you any further help?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
But what if there were issues you contributed? What if you were the guy who had tried to find sex on the internet a few years before? What if there were some valid complaints about making your WW feel validated and accepted for who they were? So now the situation is more complicated because while the relationship didn't make her do it, that was her choice, she has some past hurts that could have justified her leaving before.
So while some LBH have been a decent spouse and loyal, what about a spouse who did contribute some hurt? Just being tough and making her feel like SHE is the one being dumped wouldn't seem to be the right way to go. She would just say, "thank god, I am finally free!" Is there a different course to pursue in this situation?
H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21 M:12 BD:1/15 In-house Separation 2/15 DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15 Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16 Reconciliation 1/17 Obviously still struggling
While I am far from an expert or good source. I am in the same boat as you almost 100%. I was the douche for 4+ years before BD. I had found internet girls and exchanged pics like 3 times. I played my xbox WAAAAYYYY too much (at one point she jist asked for me to spend an hour a day with her and I didn't do it) I spent too much money on phone games and even used pot on occasion.
So, I can more than understand why my WW feels how she does. The trust has been destroyed by me a long time ago. Now she isn't sure what she wants and refuses to stop talking to OM.
I am trying, with marginal at best success, to float between good friend and husband. I still need to detach a lot more because there are moments I smother her. I am having a hard time because it is hard for me to GAL with 4 small children and limited income.
She floats between acting like she wants to be with me and avoiding me like the plague. I'm not going to lie, it hurts so bad. It is the hardest thing to deal with when she is talking about a wonderful future that I want and, at one point, I know she wanted too.
Now, I don't know what W wants or is thinking. She isn't my BFF anymore. I am not sure if she is lying to me or what goes on in her head because she won't talk to me anymore about that stuff. I find it hard pulling away and acting like I'm dumping her because like you said, because of our past, she doesn't care or mind that.
I know she has noticed my 180s, it would be hard not to. I sold my xbox and am doing half the housework, i cook and spend time with the kids now. For the most part, I am a changed man.
I wish I had the right answer or even a good one, but I'm just as lost as you. I want to trust in the vets advice, but it seems so counter intuitive because of our past. I try to find what works best for me and my sich, what makes her the happiest with me and makes her want to be with me.
I am not sure if it is working or what is going on with my WW, but we are closer during this messed up time than we have been in years, but because of OM, I feel like it could fall apart in a seconds notice.
Now, I don't know what W wants or is thinking. She isn't my BFF anymore. I am not sure if she is lying to me or what goes on in her head because she won't talk to me anymore about that stuff. I find it hard pulling away and acting like I'm dumping her because like you said, because of our past, she doesn't care or mind that.
I am not sure if it is working or what is going on with my WW, but we are closer during this messed up time than we have been in years, but because of OM, I feel like it could fall apart in a seconds notice.
If you are trying to be friends with your WW, and she is still in contact with OM, then sorry to tell you, but you are just enabling her. Serving that cake up on a silver platter.
Hey, I get it and I did the same thing for a few weeks. But think about it; why is it OK for your W to be on regular contact with OM while still being married to you? You allow that and still want to be friends? What would you say if you had a brother or close pal with a W doing the same thing? Likely tell him to grow a set, and boot his W to the curb. It is not acceptable behavior, and should not be rewarded with friendship. Read up on Sandi's threads which are always posted in the homework section of every new poster. You need to lay down some firm boundaries with your W and quit trying to be friends, until she agrees to cut off all contact with OM.
She's using you and will continue to do so as long as you allow it. Sure, it feels good when she talks to you, or confides something. Just like old times. Maybe even like the best you've gotten along in years. She has downgraded you from H to friend. If you're OK with that role, then please continue, but your W does not respect you right now and allowing her send love messages to OM while you smile and let her buddy up to you when she feels the need isn't going to help your sitch get any better.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
Thanks DWH for your reply. Any post is always helpful and makes me feel better.
I should have been clearer. We are friendly. I am nice most of the time, i still lose my cool on occasion(Showing her my hurt and being upset) I do not talk to her about OM.
However, she is wanting to act like we are a couple. She talks about the future and acts like I am a part of it. She gets upset if I acknowledge OM exists. I haven't made her feel like she is losing me yet. So I know that I still have work to do.
My biggest issue is finding a way to successfully push her away and separate. She seems to want to act like we are together. I am not sure if she is biding her time until OM comes through or falls flat, or what is the case. I know I want my W back, but I don't just want to let her back without her working for it or being committed to our M and making it work. I want her to respect me. I just find it hard to make a separation when she gets angry and lashes out if I bring it up.
I need to brush up on my validation skills because that is a big thing I am lacking in.
Thanks DWH for your reply. Any post is always helpful and makes me feel better.
I should have been clearer. We are friendly. I am nice most of the time, i still lose my cool on occasion(Showing her my hurt and being upset) I do not talk to her about OM.
However, she is wanting to act like we are a couple. She talks about the future and acts like I am a part of it. She gets upset if I acknowledge OM exists. I haven't made her feel like she is losing me yet. So I know that I still have work to do.
My biggest issue is finding a way to successfully push her away and separate. She seems to want to act like we are together. I am not sure if she is biding her time until OM comes through or falls flat, or what is the case. I know I want my W back, but I don't just want to let her back without her working for it or being committed to our M and making it work. I want her to respect me. I just find it hard to make a separation when she gets angry and lashes out if I bring it up.
I need to brush up on my validation skills because that is a big thing I am lacking in.
Sounds to me like she wants to rug sweep. You can't just pretend OM never happened. Otherwise, nothing will get fixed and you will be right back in this situation in the near future. Until she agrees to completely go NC with OM, there isn't anything to discuss with her. I would quit acting like a couple because you are not one right now. There are 3 people in your M. She may be unsure of what she wants, but make it very clear that an open M is not an option by setting those boundaries. You don't have to be mean, but try to detach yourself. It's definitely hard to do, especially when your W is trying to "act" like you're a couple. Don't drink the kool-aid. Let her see consequences.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
I know that and do not plan on letting her rug sweep. I am growing to realize that I am a great person, and if she isn't willing to be with me in a loving happy mature way, I don't need or want her.
I have successfully been detached this evening and she has actually sought me out. It comes and goes as I am still working on myself, so tomorrow may be different. But I am growing to love myself and be the person I want to be, with or without my W. If she decides to join me on this journey, that is wonderful, but if not, I am learning to love myself and care for my own needs so I can move forward happily either way.
I do not know what the future holds for muself or my W, but I'm becoming less afraid of it because I know that I have a lot to give, to her or someone else. So no matter what happens I am preparing myself to be happy with my life just how it is or however it may be.
Okay, give her what she wants. Stop being a couple. You begin by stop acting like her H. Do you understand what that entails?
Not sure I do. I have read back on many of your posts, but in general if you are still living together, what does a week living together look like? Do only my own dishes? Do you still act like a friend?
H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21 M:12 BD:1/15 In-house Separation 2/15 DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15 Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16 Reconciliation 1/17 Obviously still struggling
What is your boundary about her conduct? What consequence does she have when she starts texting him?
I would love the answer to this. Not texting in the house and no going out and seeing him. When you have no power, what is the consequence? Throw her clothes in the street? I can't force her to leave. I can't keep her from the kids. What are some healthy boundaries and what are specific ideas for consequences? I thought of taking the kids and going to a parent's, but then I abandon the house.
H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21 M:12 BD:1/15 In-house Separation 2/15 DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15 Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16 Reconciliation 1/17 Obviously still struggling
I still struggle with figuring out a good consequence for texting or calling OM. Because there isn't much I can figure that wouldn't either effect the kids or be over the top (cutting her phone off, etc.)
On a positive note as far as I can tell she has been NC with OM since Saturday. There hasn't been a NC text or w/e either, so whether it's her choice or simply her not pursuing him remains to be seen.
Coming up in two weeks the W will be out of the house all weekend (with her family not OM) so I am looking forward to being in my own and testing my abilities as a solo parent. My moods have been stabilized lately which is good. I am becoming happier with myself and try to not let W's actipns bother me one way or another.
On the occasions she gets upset and yells, I am able to calmly talk to her and not lose my own cool.(Not an intentional 180 but definitely different from how I was) I am not sure where this is going but I can tell W likes what I am showing her. Either way I am happy with the Sorgan I have become and continue to improve myself.
Good update, sounds like you're doing well. I'm not sure what to offer on consequences for breaking boundaries. Maybe Sandi or one of the vets can chime in. Short of filing for D, assuming that hasn't already been done, what else can you impose? I'm interested in the answer myself.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
Do you really think that facilitating her contact with OM by not cutting off the phone is over the top? You might as well hand her a box of condoms and money for a room.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
The problem with cutting off the phone is that, as Sandi said, a WW would get a throw away phone or get her own plan. Mine has stated that she would get on her parents plan if I cut off her phone. So basically I would be paying the cut off fee for terminating the contract, making the WW more angry at me, and ultimately just temporarily stopping contact with OM. So really it does no good.
Well life has been interesting for the last month.
My wife gave up on talking to OM for that period. I want to believe she tried to be with me, but things were never how they used to be nor how I would of wanted them to be. Things were good, but she nor I were happy, not truly. Now I find myself right where I was, she started talking to her game friends and now she is back on the phone with OM.
Things were good with the kids, I still haven't GAL or anything of that nature, I haven't pushed for counseling or pursued a D. I realize I let her back without much trouble and I even let her rug sweep to a certain extent.
Now I am sitting here trying to accept that my M is probably over, and she is gonna be with OM for the long haul. I need some kind of help and support right now. This fear has been eating me this whole time and now it is coming to pass.
Anyone with any advice or words of encouragement, I could really use some right now. I haven't begged or pleaded or any of the basic things. I jist don't know what to do, because I do not want to go back to this again.
Take your eyes off her and focus on yourself. This thing has to fizzle out by itself and you can't do anything about it.
You are doing well, actually very well given the fact you have been in this mess for only a couple of months. It is still early days for you.
Focus on your kids, your angels, draw the strength from them, god knows (and you know as well) you will need all the strength you can muster. Become the best dad ever. Play with the little ones, hug them and tell them you love them all the time. Love - the more you give, the more you have left...
Hi Sorgan, why haven't you GAL? That will make a big difference to you I promise. I agree about shifting focus firmly off her and onto you and the kids. Why not post some GAL goals here? The good news is that (whatever your W may be doing) there are some things you can do for yourself, which will help you.
Also, don't presume she and OM will be together for the long haul....things rarely play out that way.
Have you read DR or DB??
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I apologize for my poor word choice, Sotto. What I meant by that is that my w and OM are going to probably continue their EA/ online relationship until something happens. I am not sure what that is, but I know something will need to happen. I do not think they will be together forever. The OM is in no way prepared or seems to want to be a figure to our 4 kids.
I think the main reason things are like they are between them is that he is in Florida and us in Tennessee. It is easy to have things look good when the distance is as such. Photos, phonecalls, and texts make it easy to only show your best foot as it were.
My wife still loves me, but the passion isn't there. So since she feels a passion for OM, she is wanting to meet him to see where things go. I know the long distance thing could be possible, but I don't think an actual living together relationship could work with her and OM.
Also It is very hard for me to GAL woth 4 children 4 and under. Also my financial sich isnt very good.
Also It is very hard for me to GAL woth 4 children 4 and under. Also my financial sich isnt very good.
This is weak, and you know it. You cant make it to ONE thing ONE night a week? Go on meetup - theres TONS of groups out there. Just find one.....it doesnt have to be something you know anything about. Go and have a discussion about something. Go and hear a talk. Go out and play a sport. Go play some games. Something. Anything. There is PLENTY you can do for no cost......
When she gets serious about ending her contacts with OM, I think she will have to give up the games, too. B/c the online games is the hook that pulls back. I have never played one single game after I ended my contacts with OM. I had to recognize the areas to shun, in order to stay free of the addictive power they held.
Are these friends of hers people she sees in real life, or anonymous online friends?
Quote:
I realize I let her back without much trouble and I even let her rug sweep to a certain extent.
My last thread on WW's is about letting them back too easily, if you care to read it. It's a big mistake H's make.
Quote:
This fear has been eating me this whole time and now it is coming to pass.
I don't suppose it will do any good to tell you to lose the fear. The fear is what has kept you imprisoned, while she did what the heck she wanted to do. Drop the rope, while you still have time. Below is my word picture for dropping the rope:
Imagine having a rope in your hand and the other end of that rope was tied around the waist of your W. You do not want her to leave you. You are fighting for your M. So, she is pulling with all her might to get free of you. She wants out of this R! The harder she pulls forward to get away.....the harder you hold back on the rope. You have both of your heels buried into the ground and both hands in a death grip on that rope. Do you have that picture in your mind? Okay, what would happen if suddenly you dropped that rope?
She is pulling so hard with her head looking forward......that when you drop the rope....she will nearly fall over! Suddenly she is free....nothing is holding her back! She stumbles and tries to get her balance. She turns around and looks at you to see why you let go. My question to you is....what will she see?
She does not need to see a man standing there doing nothing but pitifully staring back at her or she'll just walk on. If she sees that man has stopped paying any attention to her and has his mind on something else, then she will be curious to see what got his attention more than she could. She will begin to move in a little be so she can get a closer look. She may start to ask him questions about what he's doing and who he's seeing. She keeps getting a little closer b/c she almost acts as if she's forgotten that she is no longer held by that rope and she can leave. She is free....but she doesn't want to leave now that the man has dropped the rope."
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Azzork: It is more about the fact that the kids are awake until 8pmthat on average, and I want to spend time with them. I really am not bothered by that time. The kids are to an extent my GAL. When the weather was nicer I would take them to the park or just for a drive. We would play in the back yard and things like that. Even now, we draw and play onside.
My issue is going to be after they go to bed if she starts talking to OM again. We spent the last month going on walks and just hanging out together when the kids went to bed. We had everything needed to have a great relationship except the passion. She seems conflicted. She has a deep stable consistent love with me, but the passion and desire appear to be there for the OM. There is no passion between us right now.
Sandi: There are three anonymous people that she has started talking to and been talking to for the last four to five months online. 2 are female and one is the OM. Other people come and go intermittently but it's mainly Just those three people.
They use a messenger app and share photos and I believe the females know each others Facebooks. She even stopped playing the game but could never bring herself I guess to delete the messenger app. She says she wants to be with me and I believe it but she also wants to be with him. She says if it wasn't for the distance she would have already tried to be with him.
I don't mind her talking to the two girls. It is the OM i have a problem with. We were happy for that month, but apparently she could never get OM out of her head, not in a desire sense.
Azzork: It is more about the fact that the kids are awake until 8pmthat on average, and I want to spend time with them. I really am not bothered by that time. The kids are to an extent my GAL. When the weather was nicer I would take them to the park or just for a drive. We would play in the back yard and things like that. Even now, we draw and play onside.
I understand. And Im not suggesting that you need to sacrifice your kid time. But at the same time, I think if you leave the house at 6 or 7 one night a week, it isnt an incredibly huge thing; you arent any less of a father by taking some time to meet your own needs. Even then, if the kids go to bed at 8, there is still plenty of time to go out and play trivia or something. Honestly, it sounds like you are hoping that by playing "happy family" with kids and W, that she will "wake up" and see what shes missing out on.
Just my read, I could be wrong.
Originally Posted By: Sorgan
My issue is going to be after they go to bed if she starts talking to OM again. We spent the last month going on walks and just hanging out together when the kids went to bed. We had everything needed to have a great relationship except the passion. She seems conflicted. She has a deep stable consistent love with me, but the passion and desire appear to be there for the OM. There is no passion between us right now.
Thats pretty much the definition of cake eating. Youre letting her enjoy all of the perks of being married; a helping hand around the house, someone to spend nice moments with, someone to comfort her when shes down, and so on. But at the same time, she doesnt have to treat you like a wife; she can go off to talk with OM and enjoy all of the passion involved with that.
You arent going to "nice" her back into the relationship with you. So what are you going to do differently?
She wasn't talking to OM when we did those things. If she was, I wouldn't have done those things. I told her last night after she got off the phone with OM that if she was going to talk to him again that those acts I did as her H will stop. No rubs or walks or things like that.
However, I view cleaning up after my kids as parenting. They make the mess not my W. That being said I won't wash my W's car or things like that, but general house cleaning I don't mind. I don't do it all, nor would I. I will hold her to doing chores.
As for the GAL, If her talking to OM starts again you made a good point, while meetup doesn't have many late night options, going to a friends house or a sports bar is a possibility. I should make a point to try to get out sometimes.
She wasn't talking to OM when we did those things. That you know of. If she was, I wouldn't have done those things. I told her last night after she got off the phone with OM that if she was going to talk to him again that those acts I did as her H will stop. No rubs or walks or things like that. Alright, I guess. Lets see how things play out going forward. Im not convinced that he is out of her system...or ever was...
However, I view cleaning up after my kids as parenting. They make the mess not my W. Yes. Of course it is. Im not saying that you shouldnt clean up after your kids. But what does that have to do with going out one night a week? That being said I won't wash my W's car or things like that, but general house cleaning I don't mind. I don't do it all, nor would I. I will hold her to doing chores. OK.
As for the GAL, If her talking to OM starts again you made a good point, What do you mean, IF it starts again? while meetup doesn't have many late night options, going to a friends house or a sports bar is a possibility. I should make a point to try to get out sometimes. These are good, but you REALLY should work to find something new. I cant tell you how much it meant/means to me to find people to hang on with that know me as Azzork and not Azzork's ex-wife's ex-husband. Its time to pick up something you can do for YOU.
You are right. OM was never out of her system and our attempt at a R suffered. She was never attracted to me like she was. We both felt off. The emotional connection was there, but she didn't desire to be physical.
I can't claim to know what she wants between me or OM. I know I won't let her cake eat or have both of us. I have made it up that as long as OM is on her mind there will be no R. There can't be, at least not a healthy R that I deserve.
All of your (everyones) support means the world to me.
