Need advice for a WW who left Part 4

[dwh15]

You make it fine until she pops into the house and doesn't try to take your head off.

The time you had that three hour conversation, saying it was fun, almost slammed you back down. I don't think a person should do this to themselves when at this critical self-survival stage. Maybe one day you can, but while she is wayward, and you are still vulnerable to her physical looks and feeling the love for her........bringing up old times, hanging out, and having a three hour nice conversation is havoc on the LBS. Things have not changed. Every time you are tempted to get pulled in, tell yourself "things have not changed".

I know she was very sick, so I don't hold the last few days against her, and thought it was nice she wanted to take them out.

You thought it was nice of their own mother to take out her kids for an hour and half........after not seeing them for several days?

Look how your brain starts jumping the tracks as soon as she acts just a little civil.

. I almost asked if I could come along to lunch, but thought better of it and bit my tongue. I didn't want to intrude on her time with the boys, and I realize it's not a good idea to set the kids up with false expectations about how things are going to be from now on.

For crying out loud, DWH! What were you thinking? Things have not changed. She has not changed.

So I felt a little depressed for a few minutes, especially with the house being empty. But I put on some music, got to doing some housework, and eventually snapped out of it. WW dropped the boys off 90 minutes later, and didn't bother coming in again. Probably the last time I'll see her for another week or two. I'm doing a lot better at rebounding from the emotional swings, but still hard sometimes. Friends who have been through divorce told me it will probably be another year before I really start to feel totally normal again. Ugh. But it is much easier than before, so I'll keep chugging along.

That's great! At least you took action to force yourself out of that depressed stage. Just imagine how far back it would have set you, if you had asked to join her?

It may, or may not, take as long as it took your friends. I hope it won't.

I admire a man who takes full custody of two children with special needs. It says something about the kind of person you are.

You are going to make it. You will be okay, DWH. ((hugs))

Sandi, I'm always honored when you take the time to post to my thread. The 3-hour conversation wasn't really planned. I honestly figured it would be an hour tops, and strictly business. Just sort of slipped into more, and in hindsight, it was probably the plan of WW all along to try and get me to agree to her demands. You're 100% right that it was and is a terrible idea and I payed the price for about 2 days after - hard lesson learned.

When I mentioned I thought it was nice of her to take them to lunch, I know she was still feeling pretty under the weather, and doesn't have much money but she spent $25 and didn't ask me for a cent. I found out after that OM gave her the money, and it bothered me for a minute, but then I'm like, well he better get used to reaching in his pocket. WW is still doing her best to avoid working more than a day or two per week and seems to be slowly getting OM to foot the bill for her lifestyle. Better him than me. Anyway, I get your point. I still slip into trying to defend her sometimes; guess I could have looked at it more like it was nice of me to let her have unscheduled time with the boys. I know they really were missing her and starting to feel down about it, so let's just say I'm glad it happened.

I took the kids to a movie this afternoon so we got our own time out of the house as well. I'm doing my best as a single dad, and really getting into a routine. I know I'm going to be fine, but it's easy to start feeling sorry for yourself or lonely. Coming home and reading this reply helped snap me out of it again. Looking forward to the day I don't get impacted by the weight of it all. Seven months doesn't seem like long on a calendar but feels like it's been this way for years. I really hope WW doesn't remain in her wayward state forever, but I realize there are no certainties.

Now, time to get on with my night. Pity party over. Thanks again Sandi.

[Vanilla]

I agree with Sandi.

From your first hearing to this one.....

Dwh, a terrific dad. You put the boys first.

I would let myself off the hook on the lapses, they were mere whimsy.

V

[dwh15]

Volunteered at my church this morning between 9am-1pm, and kept very busy. I'm on the "welcome team" so get to greet everyone at the door as they come in. It's a great way to meet people and strike up conversations. Saw a couple of old friends, and spent a lot of time talking to some new ones. Really enjoying the chance to meet new people in this environment.

Other than that, spent some time going through S8's clothes today and putting aside things that no longer fit to make room for new clothes. Of course, the memories come flooding in as I see a certain shirt and recall a time he wore it, and we were all together as a family. After 3 hours, I got through the entire dresser, and made plenty of room. It was painful but productive. Now have to do the same for S10 sometime this week - not looking forward to it after today.

Took S18 shopping for couple of hours, then home to make dinner, get everyone showers to get ready for school tomorrow, and prepare for tomorrow to start the work and school week all over. It really is exhausting sometimes being a single parent. Must have done 8 loads of laundry just this weekend trying to get caught up. The good news is I'm settling into a routine and becoming very efficient with my time. I've got the multi-tasking down cold and often juggle 3 or 4 tasks at once. Sometimes I get mad that this is my life now, but I usually bounce out of it after a few minutes and focus on what needs to be done. I had the usual ups and downs today, but overall didn't spent a lot of time focused on WW or my pending D. There's so much to do, and as long as I concentrate on the task at hand, I am fine.

I do feel myself detaching a little more every day, and think if I can maintain some distance from WW for a few more months (no more 3-hour meetings), I will finally get there. I'm still sad and upset when I do think of the sitch, but find that it's popping into my head much less frequently than before. What's killing me now is my 2 youngest seem to really be missing mom, and are acting a little depressed about it. WW has only seen them twice in 10 days, and it's taking a toll. I told S8 tonight that we can call mom tomorrow, as she isn't scheduled to see them again until Wednesday. I need to get the therapy going, as I'm getting really worried about the impact this is having on all my kids. I've been focused on me for so long that it's been hard to worry about them, but as I get better, my focus is shifting much more to my boys now. And it's another level of pain that we all have to deal with. The fallout from these situations is amazing. Anyway, off to bed to get some rest before starting the new week.

[dwh15]

Been a week of ups and downs. Had a great time Tuesday night volunteer bartending. Even had a woman there hitting on me all night quite aggressively. I flirted along just out of fun, but actually backed off towards the end, since she was getting pretty serious about wanting to meet me after work, and I'm not even remotely ready for something like that. But it was flattering and I came home with a smile.

Otherwise, pretty quiet overall. Kids went to see mom for couple hours yesterday, first time in almost 2 weeks. Spent a grand total of 2.5 hours and back home. Was supposed to be 4 hours but guess the kids got bored, and sounds like she had something going on after they left anyway. OM switched to working 1st shift this week, so has been home every night and I suspect him and WW are constantly out doing something. From what I can tell, she seems in a great mood this week. Makes it hard for me, since I hate that the kids now have to deal with him when they go over, plus I just hate the thought of WW spending time with him at all, but I do my best to not think about it.

On top of that, WW sent a text today asking if we could reschedule a meeting with the school regarding S10 next week because she had "other things" going on. It's right in the middle of work day for OM, so no idea what that could mean, but I didn't ask her to clarify, and now it's kind of driving me nuts. I know I need to just forget about it, but sometimes I slide back and this one of those times. It was a challenge not asking her to clarify her plans. Trying to focus on me, kids, family and friends but appears I'm still on the emotional coaster to some extent.

Good news is I'm able to be fairly productive at work, and have nights out where I truly enjoy myself and don't think about WW or D at all, but then other times it all comes crashing in again. Hoping that time and distance allows me to keep detaching and reach a place where I can be happy more than a few hours at a time. But looking back, I'm still miles ahead of a few months ago, so guess it's still progress. Looking forward to the weekend to just relax and enjoy.

[Vanilla]

Dwh, it goes this way, up and down.

There are days upon days I get distressed about the sitch, the fins and the wortld in general.

Hard work sometimes.

It's going to be ok, the kids are safe.

Breathe

V

[dwh15]

Well, wonderful news. WW just dropped off S8 and was nice enough to tell me her and OM were on there way to meet her entire family today. I have to say - it hurts. They've been on my side since all of this started, and I assumed they would at least wait until D was final before they agreed to meet him. I know she has been pushing it for months and they had refused until now. Not sure what changed but I feel a little betrayed by them. I realize they are family and figured that they would eventually have to meet OM if he stayed in the picture long enough, but I thought maybe another 6-7 months. Not sure I want to try and stay close to them if they are going to legitimize the relationship.

[dwh15]

Took kids to a pumpkin farm today, with a petting zoo, train ride, and lot of fun activities. They really enjoyed it and weather was perfect so nice way to spend an afternoon. No word from WW all day, and I'm starting to get used to it. I still feel mildly depressed on and off throughout most days, but it's more of a dull ache, and not the sharp stabbing pain from before. When the kids and I do new things, like today, I often think how WW is missing out and she would really enjoy it if she were around. But I don't let it spoil the fun for the rest of us. Hopefully that too will fade in time.

One thing I forgot to mention in my last post was that WW informed me yesterday that OM was dropping out of the biker club. Guess there's a lot of drama with it and he's had his limit. Not sure what to think of it, but overall I would rather the kids NOT be around someone in a biker club so guess it's a good thing. I don't believe it will last, but I'm not going to spend much time worrying about it. That means social life will probably slow down for WW and OM, and again, I'm hoping that's a good thing and WW will start to be more interested in being a mom again. I'll just take it day by day and see how everything pans out.

[dwh15]

Got a TM from sis-in-law tonight. It's pretty much as I figured. WW's sisters wanted to spend time with her but figured she wasn't going to start communicating with them again until they agreed to meet OM. She said the meeting went fine but awkward. Said OM seemed nice overall, which I agreed. He does SEEM like a nice guy, except for the fact he's bedding a married woman and breaking up a family with 4 kids.

It made me feel better to hear that sis-in-law said they still consider me family and didn't plan on really taking in OM, other than the absolute min necessary so that they can spend time with WW. Prob be pleasant at holidays, etc. Now I'm not ignorant, and I realize that after my D is final, and the longer OM stays in the picture, he's likely to eventually be at least begrudgingly accepted by the family. And I don't expect them to shut him out forever, if the relationship ever reaches a point where it becomes long-term, which still seems highly unlikely. But I do believe that I'll always be accepted as well, and that's about as good an outcome as I can hope for.

[tl2]

Hi dwh15,

Since you dropped in on my thread and offered some help I thought I'd read up on yours.

Quite a time you've been having. I commend you for how you're trying to be a stand up dad and man.

I can't really help in any way except to say hang in there. I am no expert but I think her ride is far from over. She is likely to find herself bowled over by regret over her actions at some point in the future.

You sound like the kind of guy who is going to stay strong for the kids no matter what. Which means you will always be their hero whether they realize it or not. And they most likely will.

[dwh15]

Got temp orders in the mail today for spousal and child custody. I'm not happy. Don't ask me how they came up with it, but somehow WW gets $1200/month spousal and only has to pay $160/month child. That's with me having majority custody, and far more than my attorney said would be likely. Of course I'll be fighting it, as I believe it's totally unfair. It gives WW almost the equivalent of a full-time min wage job w/o having to do a thing. It was already a struggle getting her to work even part time. If this goes through, she won't lift a finger for the next few years. What's wrong with the US court system? Injustice at it's finest. Just wanna scream. I'll update again after I speak with my attorney.