Need advice for a WW who left Part 4

[dwh15]

Links below to my first 3 threads:

Part 1: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592593&page=1

Part 2: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592603&page=1

Part 3: www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2598077&page=1

[dwh15]

Hard to believe I'm up to a 4th thread already. Time flies. Hope my fellow DBers doing well this evening.

[dwh15]

Just saw WW tonight for the first time in over 2 weeks. She stopped by to pick up S8 and take him to dinner. I did my best to be upbeat but currently fighting a cold so hard to come across as super confident and attractive as you're sniffling and coughing. But I smiled, made eye contact, and some small talk. She seemed in good spirits, which is a change from the past few times I've seen her, where she always seemed stressed and in a rush to leave. She took her time tonight and was relaxed.

So we discussed the plans for tonight with S8, then she asked if I would be willing to help build a computer so the kids would have one to play with at her place. I told her I had no money right now to help pay for something like that, and she said she would pay, but wanted help to actually put it together. I'm an computer guy, btw, in case anyone was wondering, and have a lot of experience with that kind of stuff. I almost told her I was too busy, but then S8 overheard us and got excited about the idea so I agreed to help, if and when she came up with the money. She mentioned how it would only be for the kids, not her, and I replied, I know, that's the only reason I'm doing it.

After they left, I went back to cleaning house and didn't think too much about it. It does bother me a little when I see her in a good mood, which I suppose is a sign I'm not totally detached, but I'm a lot better off than I was until just the past few days. I have reached a point where I'm no longer sure I want to be friends with WW, assuming we go through with D. I don't know that I want a friend who is so selfish, and willingly does such emotional damage to those she supposedly loves. But I guess anything can happen 5, 10 years down the road. Anyway, still feeling pretty good overall and looking forward to the weekend.

[dwh15]

I got divorce papers in the mail today. No heads up, no notice, in spite of the fact WW was just here last night making pleasant conversation. I'm shocked and steaming mad. I got into a text exchange which wasn't very DB-like and honestly, I don't care. She sent one last text that she was done discussing it and to talk with her attorney if I had anything else to say. Turned into a raving b!tch.

I'm done. No idea how people hold on after getting D paperwork. Maybe if it had happened sooner in the process, or she had been a little more respectful about how she handled it. The icing on the cake? She blamed me. Said that I had "insulted" OM when I said a few weeks ago that I was helping support him, so he gave her the money to file. Wow. I guess the poor baby couldn't take the truth.

Anyway, this was the nail in the coffin for me. I have no desire to R with her now or in the future. The way she has handled this entire situation, on top of the past 5 years of lies, sleeping around with various OM, etc. I don't need that in my life. I'm so glad now that I have been keeping the logs of child activity. WW is going to be in for a very rude awakening when we get to determining custody. I fully intend to go for as much child custody as possible, and it's not out of spite, but a fear of not wanting my kids around such a disgusting person.

Head is still spinning a little, but I'm definitely in a fully detached state now.

[Flight]

Wow, what a tough day. I agree that it would have been more considerate to give you a heads up. Sounds like she did give you a jolt to help you detach. Don't listen to her trying to pass the blame onto you. Hang in there.

[mahhhty]

dwh - That is [censored]. I'm sorry you are going through this. Don't be fooled you aren't fully detached, that is why it hurts so much. People don't talk about things that bother them. The truth, the past, the history it will all change and be twisted to prove a point.

As a Divorced Dad, I think constantly of two questions:
- How is what I am doing or saying going to impact the kids or my relationship with the kids?
- Am I making it easier or harder on them?

You are going to need patience and perseverance. Stand tall, be quiet and confident.

[dwh15]

I guess by fully detached, I meant that I'm done with hoping for a R in the marriage. I don't want to be with her now or ever. I hope we can be good co-parents at some point, but I don't even believe that is possible at this stage. WW is totally self-centered, and only puts her kids at #2 priority, always behind OM. My S18 said tonight he did not want to be around her. This had nothing to do with me, but was his reaction after I told him mom had filed for D. He knows that I have been doing everything possible to try and save the M. I don't bad-mouth mom in front of the kids and always reinforce that she is still their mother and loves them no matter what, but I really do fear that the kids are not in the best environment with mom at the moment, especially when OM is around.

Right now, I'm very angry. I know it's not healthy and I will attempt to move past it and into acceptance and total detachment, but I am done holding out hope. After this, I cannot and will not be married to WW. There is simply too much damage, too much disrespect, for far too long. Even if she were to totally snap out of her fog tomorrow, I don't think I could get past all that has happened. Maybe it was never possible, but I was still holding onto that sliver of hope. Her total disregard for my feelings has killed that hope. She is a selfish, mean person and not someone that I even want to know, let alone have to work with on custody.

The good thing is I am more focused and goal-driven than I have been since this all started. I know what needs to be done to protect myself and my children and will make those my priorities at all costs. WW has declared war and I will not take this sitting down. I will keep DBing to the extent I can, in an effort to improve myself, and be a better person. I do feel I have grown in enormous ways since this all started and am happier in many aspects of my life than a few months ago. But my goals have changed and are no longer centered in trying to save my M, but instead to protect my children and be the best father possible. I hope that my poor, fog-induced WW starts to come around at some point in the next few years and can be a responsible mother, but until then I will be fighting tooth and nail to protect myself and my boys.

I cannot express the amount of gratitude I have to this board and the many posters who have contributed, and given me hope in a hopeless situation. I will continue to provide updates and do my best in whatever limited fashion to provide input for others at the beginning of their own journeys. But my path has changed in a way that is not reversible and an inner fire has been lit. I know that I WILL be fine at the end of this, as will my boys. WW is going to suffer the consequences of her poor choices, and may God have mercy on her soul, as I will not be taking mercy in the coming court proceedings.

[Vanilla]

Dwh

A couple of things, you definitely are not detached. You have an outcome you are invested in. You have let go of WW.

Anger, anger is very good, it marks a new stage in the grief process. I am glad to see it. Don't knock it, anger is a great motivator. A very great motivator, anger gives great energy. The importance of anger can never be overstated, it can cause great shift. Harness it, use it to drive you forwards.

Care direct this and use it, for your sitch, be calm with WW as anger loses the race when a single strategy. Anger driven will move you to where you want to go.

This is shift, a great powerful motivating force.

V

[mahhhty]

As usual V is right. Anger is a great motivator.

It seems that you have drawn a line in the sand, point of no return.... "After this, I cannot and will not be married to WW. There is simply too much damage, too much disrespect, for far too long."

Welcome to the club. That happens. People in worse situations than you who have said worse things than you, and most likely said NEVER. Have gotten back together. I guess my point is that the outcome is not important. Focus on what drove her away, learn from it, and don't do that stuff anymore. That will help your next relationship, no matter what it is.

Take responsibility for your piece, and do what needs to be done to move past this in a way that is responsible manner. I wrote this b/c of "WW is going to suffer the consequences of her poor choices, and may God have mercy on her soul, as I will not be taking mercy in the coming court proceedings."

Your kids did not ask for this, and yet as bad as it will be for you, it will be the death of their family. If you take her to court and destroy her, that will have a residual effect on your kids. Be careful and think it through.

[dwh15]

As usual V is right. Anger is a great motivator.

It seems that you have drawn a line in the sand, point of no return.... "After this, I cannot and will not be married to WW. There is simply too much damage, too much disrespect, for far too long."

Welcome to the club. That happens. People in worse situations than you who have said worse things than you, and most likely said NEVER. Have gotten back together. I guess my point is that the outcome is not important. Focus on what drove her away, learn from it, and don't do that stuff anymore. That will help your next relationship, no matter what it is.

Take responsibility for your piece, and do what needs to be done to move past this in a way that is responsible manner. I wrote this b/c of "WW is going to suffer the consequences of her poor choices, and may God have mercy on her soul, as I will not be taking mercy in the coming court proceedings."

Your kids did not ask for this, and yet as bad as it will be for you, it will be the death of their family. If you take her to court and destroy her, that will have a residual effect on your kids. Be careful and think it through.

Thank you mahhhty. Maybe I went a bit over the top on that statement, but I was pretty angry at the time. The kids don't hear me speak negative of mom, other than my oldest, who may hear me question what in the world she is thinking. But I never put her down, and always reinforce to them she is their mother no matter what.

My intention was to say I will be seeking a majority share of child custody, and that's not out of spite or trying to teach her a lesson. It's because I believe the kids are better off with me at this point in time. If WW ever comes out of the fog and makes a sincere effort to actually be a good parent, I would be happy about it and willing to share custody on a 50-50 basis. I honestly hope that does happen some day. But it's not where she's at now, and it may be years or never, before she gets there. It's very odd, because early in our M, it was the other way around. WW was a great mother and probably took 80% of the burden, while I focused on career. In hindsight, that likely contributed to our problems, but for now, I will be the rock for those kids.