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Clay234 Offline OP
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He says he wants to go to college, which he gets to do for free because of my VA disability, but because of his entitlement mentality, I don't know if I am going to allow him to use it.


Me 52
ExW 45
D1 26
S1 22
S2 18
D2 17

M-17
T-18

Divorce final-10/09/15
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Clay234 Offline OP
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ForGump,

My divorce has been final since last October, but since she refuses to work, the evaluation needs to be ordered. She is pretty angry about that.

I think my son is going to end up stumbling for quite a while and if his grandparents take him in like they have done with their children, there is nothing I will be able to do to help him.

As far as a rational fight, I have to really resist to not respond. I am sure she wants me to, but I am doing all I can to bite my tongue, but it is really hard. I do have a therapist and a pretty good support team (including her adult son), but it is still frustrating.

Thanks again for your input.


Me 52
ExW 45
D1 26
S1 22
S2 18
D2 17

M-17
T-18

Divorce final-10/09/15
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Dear friend,

your son is going through a MLC of his own (puberty)and it is a very tough and confusing time. Few are the people that can navigate it without help. I say bless his soul if he wants to go to college and get a higher education and if can benefit from the great service you did for this country all the better.

But I do agree that he should be made aware that there are no free rides in life.

Also I respectfully disagree with ForGump.

Stay strong...

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Clay234 Offline OP
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I went to pick up my kids tonight and my son was taking a long time, so I went to the door and there was an envelope on the doormat that he left for me. In it was $40 and a note that said "I have decided that I will no longer be visiting your house for the remainder of the days before I turn 18. I will continue to pay off my debt to you. Please refrain from contacting me in the future" I kept knocking on the door, but he wouldn't come out. I told him I was going to call the sheriff, as I wanted to talk to him and get an answer and it was supposed to be my time with him. He wouldn't come out and I have no idea what was going on. I called the sheriff's department to ask a deputy to assist me, as I don't trust my Ex-W to not make false accusations. The deputy called me and stated that my son had already called and that he said my son told him that I had been really mean to him lately (my son has always been EXTREMELY sensitive, which I am sure is related to his ASD). I told the deputy that I was not going to drag him home if he didn't want to go, but that he is still a minor. The deputy said there was nothing he could do and that the fact that he is not yet 18 is irrelevant. I know for a fact that that is BS, but I wasn't going to argue with him. I am sure my ex knew about this before it happened, but failed to mention it to me. I had his phone service suspended. It baffles me that he said I was mean to him. Actually, he has been mean and disrespectful to me, but just like his mom, he has learned to flip things around on other people. His actions tonight are the same passive-aggressive types of BS actions his mother takes. He wouldn't talk to me and I had no idea why. I dealt with that for years when i had no idea what I might have done wrong and no way to fix it. Regardless, I am extremely hurt. My kids mean more to me than anything in the world and there is nothing I can do right for them. I really don't know what to do. When does the pain stop?


Me 52
ExW 45
D1 26
S1 22
S2 18
D2 17

M-17
T-18

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Originally Posted By: Clay234
I really don't know what to do.


Clay,

I'm sorry you've had such a difficult time. In my opinion, the first thing you should do is respect your son's decision to stay with his mom; don't push him to come home with you. Clearly there are issues between the two of you. I think a good place to start would be to find a good family counselor and discuss the issues with the counselor. Over time you'll be able to build a bridge to your son, but it will have to start with you and you need to back off.

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Clay234 Offline OP
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Thanks Doodler,

I have been in counseling and have discussed these issues with her. I will definitely need to talk to someone about this latest issue. I think you are right though that he needs some space.

The issues between the two of us are that the my ex would encourage them to ignore any rules I made (this was told to me by my adult step-son who now has a strained relationship with his mom)and so they intentionally ignore any rules I make.

It has been more than 14 months since my son stole more than $700 from me and has made no effort to pay me back or even get a job. I wrote him a letter last night telling him that I am very sad that he does not want to see me anymore and that I know he has some tough decisions to make in the near future (will be 18 in 3 weeks). I told him that my door and my arms are always open should he decide to come back home.

The kids' mother has refused to co-parent and just like when we were together, she would never stand by me and discipline the children because she wanted to win their respect and alienate me.

This whole thing hurts more than anything.


Me 52
ExW 45
D1 26
S1 22
S2 18
D2 17

M-17
T-18

Divorce final-10/09/15
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Clay234 Offline OP
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Well, I haven't been on here in quite a while and am definitely needing some emotional support.

I went to court today, as the ex has still refused to become self-supporting. It was a year ago I filed and my attorney stated that we could very possibly get the spousal support reduced if not terminated. Since last year, she intentionally skipped mediation and failed to show up for a pre-arranged meeting with me, my attorney and her attorney. I also had to pay for her to complete a vocational evaluation in order to determine her earning capacity. Well she lied to the evaluator regarding her advanced education, but it didn't seem to matter. My attorney argued with me and said that the judge would never terminate the support since it was a long-term marriage. He had me sign a non-modifiable order that has me paying her a certain amount for the next 5 years and then the support goes to zero. He said this way, no matter how much I make, she will not get more. He said this was a very good deal. I think he was wrong, but he said it would turn out worse if I go in front of the judge. Most of the jobs I have had (except for mobilization for active duty), have been contract jobs and my current one ends next June and I am not sure if it will be renewed.

One of the reasons she said she cannot work is because she had a stroke (TIA)a few months ago. She had Cushings and was in the hospital for a while. She is getting around now and just two months ago, she took three vacations within one month including an 8-day trip to Maui. I knew she would use her medical condition to get out of working. She is driving all over the place with no problems. She basically used me and the children to buy her a lifetime of support and will never have to work. In 5 years when the support ends, she can go back in to court and try to get more. I will also be eligible to start collecting my reserve retirement at that time and unfortunately, the state stupidly and selfishly considers it property, so she gets more free money then for not ever having to do a thing.

I am also rated by the VA at 100% disabled and spend 4-5 hours a day in traffic because of my obligation to pay her. She is fully capable of working and chooses not to. I am very frustrated at this point.

As far as the kids go, my son still won't talk to me and my daughter seems to think my only purpose in life is to shell out money. My kids have no respect for me or for the sacrifices I have made. They used to adore me.


Me 52
ExW 45
D1 26
S1 22
S2 18
D2 17

M-17
T-18

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Clay234 - thank you for your post. Sounds like my estranged wife. She has also left me numerous times to live with her parents. Right now, she has managed to get them to move from their home country and move in with her in a one-bedroom tiny condo with our daughter, and the parents are sleeping in the living room.

My wife also was not loved in the family and was considered last, living in the shadow of her older sister that got all the love and attention.

I've lost hope that my wife will ever come back. I'e lost her and my much adored daughter.

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Athas,

you could not possibly have lost your daughter. Fight for her and for your rights as a father. Don't get screwed over!

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Clay, really sorry you're going through that. It sounds like your XW is still lost in the fog. She's fighting for more of your money so she can fund her free-wheeling lifestyle chock full of vacations and selfishness. That sounds really frustrating!

Quote:
As far as the kids go, my son still won't talk to me and my daughter seems to think my only purpose in life is to shell out money. My kids have no respect for me or for the sacrifices I have made. They used to adore me.


Very sorry you're going through this, it's hard enough to lose your W but when the kids are like this it just makes things that much more difficult. Maybe with time they'll come around. I went through some tough times with my younger D after BD. I think she jumped on W's let's-blame-him-for-all-of-this bandwagon. But what works for a WAS sometimes works for older kids too- I gave her time and space. I showed her the best me that I could be when I was around her, and pulled back when I wasn't around her. On my last birthday she gave me a birthday card with a very touching, loving, hand-written note in it. Our relationship is stronger now than it was before BD. So hang in there!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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