I have no posted on here for a while, as I have been extremely busy and have had very little time to do anything. As of September, I am employed again and the company is running me ragged. I work OT hours, but don't get OT since I am salaried. The pay is not that high either and I am still paying ExW a significant amount. She is also still living with her parents (16 months now) and doesn't pay a dime in rent or utilities. I also just found out from my D (who just started at a new high school) that she gets free lunch. I asked her why that is and she said "because my mom is poor". Last night I looked into the school lunch program and she would fit the requirements if she were living on her own, but since she lives with her parents (who make well over $100k), she doesn't qualify. I am fuming over this, as that is what the support is supposed to cover. She has applied for a low-income apartment, but has still not moved in. I don't really think she wants to.
our communication with each other has been touch-and-go. We were sharing things with each other and having casual friendly conversations via e-mail and text, but as of a couple weeks ago, I just stopped. I did it because I have thought about everything she has done and how she destroyed the family and I just got mad. She got nearly $100K in assets and I got stuck with a house payment on a house that needs a lot of repairs. She also got 50% of the military retirement I earned while we were married. I am 50, and as a reservist I cannot collect until I am 60 (even though I have done more than 32 years). She feels entitled, but I do not see it that way because I was in for 14 years before we were married and the retirement is based on what I accomplished before that. I put in a lot of had work and time in order to get to that point. She also still does not have a job and claimed to the courts that she has been a stay-at home mom for the entire time and it will take her many years to earn anything more than something like a a house cleaning job would pay. She was nearly 26 when we married (43 now). She earned BA in business during her first marriage. The courts should have taken into account that she should have learned SOMETHING between 18 and 26. Additionally, she has already spent the money to send to the attorney who will be dividing the military retirement points, even though she claims to be "poor".
I realize the above sounds like a rant (and it is), but she seems to be getting meaner as time goes on. I have tried to read as much as possible about MLC and am still trying to understand it, but still am not ready to give up, as I want what I thought I had. She has sent mixed messages in the past 16 months about some sort of future together, but at this point seems like she wants to be enemies. She WILL NOT co-parent. She never really has though. She has been in therapy and has stated that tit will take a long time, but I just don't see her getting any better or realizing how poorly she treats other people as long as she is not on her own and is living with people who enable and encourage her behaviors.
I keep trying to think of ways to reason with her, but it has never worked before and I know it won't work now.
A lot of what I have mentioned about her is the way she has been most of the time I have known her and I am still not convinced it is a MLC. I just don't know. I know there are differing opinions on it and I have talked to different therapists who don't think it is. A couple have suggested BPD.
I have read an article on the stages of MLC and a lot of it (and what I have read here) seems to fit her personality, but I am still not sure.
I guess my question to those of you on here who may be more knowledgeable than I, is is it typical for a MLCr to become angrier and push back even more while continuing to push buttons using projective identification in order to prompt a negative response? I know I may have a false hope here, but I have never been good at not getting sucked into arguments and not allowing things to escalate. It seems like she wants to make me angry and I don't see ANY hope for a future if we continue to go to war. It is also difficult for me to not be upset with her after all she has done.
My kids also think I am a bad guy because I make them pick up after themselves. They won't do a thing here and the think I don't do enough.
I hope my post was organized enough to understand. I would appreciate any advice/insights. I am open to suggestions , but if you feel like battering me or criticizing, please don't post, as I have really had enough of that. I am coming here for support and true advice and don't really want to feel the need to defend myself. If clarification is needed, please ask. Thank you.
The MLC'ers love to get a reaction and the worst thing you can do to a MLCer (in their twisted logic) is to deny them the reaction. This drives them bonkers. So try to take your eyes off of her and move forward. I understand that she's taking you to the cleaners and she (unjustly) feels entitled to your pension and monthly cash donations.
Again, I am not certain it is MLC because it seems as though she has had one foot out the door for years and was looking for a reason to leave. Her anger and outbursts have always been over the top and she never apologizes, but this does seem worse than before.
I am not sure if I should be posting in this forum or in the MLC forum. Not sure how I would move the post or continue it somewhere else.
I have done quite a bit of reading on MLC and still find myself tempted to try and reason with my ExW. I am sure it wouldn't be a good outcome, but I am still tempted to try. It seems like she gets meaner every day, although sometimes she appears as sweet as honey.
It seems as though I cannot do or say anything without her getting angry and being controlling. If she truly is going through a MLC and there is a slight possibility she will come out of it at some point, how do I keep things from escalating? If I ignore her demands, she gets upset and calls ME passive-aggressive and if I respond to her ridiculousness, she gets even more angry. I am in a lose/lose situation. I am trying to just ignore her, but that doesn't seem to be effective in not making her angry.
Hi Clay, as you guys are already D, I would definitely not engage in any of her anger stuff. I would go pretty 'dim' and only interact in a minimal way and on parenting things. Leave her to twist in the air with her own anger.
If she starts baiting you, just say - I'm not willing to discuss this when you are angry like this. We can talk another time when you're calmer. And if she continues - just walk away.
You could even say - XW, we are D for months now. I'm not going to continue arguing about this.
I would leave her to toss in the wind with her anger and not worry about what she may call you. If she thinks you're passive aggressive, that's up to her. For your own part, I would aim for assertive and moving on without her.
JMHO of course. I post in the MLC part of the forum and there are a few guys there with W's in MLC - if you haven't visited already, you may want to have a read there.
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Most of our conversations/interactions have to do with the kids and her lack of disciplining them. Of course there are money issues as well that have to do with the chidren and after 8 months of the signing of the settlement agreement, she is finally wanting her things out of my house and expects me to drop everything to accommodate her demands. I have been ignoring her. I am not keeping her from her stuff, but I don't have time to drop what I am doing and give her what she wants when she wants it. I know it is making her upset (and I am not trying to) because she is used to getting what she wants. When she doesn't, she gets angry.
Many have told me to just move on, but even though she is controlling and goes out of her way to push my buttons, I still keep looking for hope that it may someday change. I thought it was getting better a couple years ago, but it is much worse now. I am still having a hard time accepting the fact that we are no longer married. I still feel like she is my wife. I am not in denial, but it is like losing a family member. No, I don't want to continue being treated poorly, but I want what I thought I had.
Hi Clay, I would be as helpful as possible with her getting her stuff. If you are busy right now then, rather than ignoring, perhaps agree a future date with her, so she knows what to plan for. It sounds as though you are still engaging in some sort of dance with her - even though you guys are now D'd. (She wants this, I'm ignoring her, I can't just stop and give her what she wants, I know it's making her upset etc.) Something to think about perhaps?
It is hard to come to terms with D. Have you considered attending some sort of recovery workshop? I did a Divorce Recovery Workshop at the end of last year, which was good. There are also rebuilding seminars. It is good to meet others in similar situations, and may also help you work through any residual feelings about the D.
Take care and good luck
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks again for your input Sotto. I am not really doing a dance with her, but since I work ( and am having to work extra jobs to get by)and she doesn't, the last thing I have time to do is go through the house looking for the things she wants. I spent last night and today gathering up as much as I could find and have set it by the front door.
I have considered a workshop. I will have to try and find one.
What makes it hurt even worse is that she and her parents continually involve the children and discuss things with them in which they should have no part. She absolutely refuses to co-parent (which was one of the main issues we had while married). There was rarely any sharing or compromise. I still struggle with her to get information on events that are going on with the kids as well as things regarding education. There is almost nothing I can do to not make her angry if I insist she share information with me or express a concern that she has not informed me of something regarding them.
I am looking for advice here and I know there will be differing opinions, but I am open to entertaining them.
As mentioned above, I recently found out D2 is on the School Lunch Program because, as she said "my mom is poor". Today ExW sent me her tax information as required by the court. She claimed both the kids, as the order allows her to do that. She also claimed HH, which she is not allowed to do because she was not paying any rent or utilities to her parents while there. That is really on her though because it doesn't affect me. but it does show her lack of ethics.
The thing that bothers me is, she is receiving more than $2K/month from me (and I don't make that much), she does not have a job, received nearly $3K in tax returns and I just found out today that she is taking D2 to a Broadway musical next month (yes actually in NYC) for a show that costs more than $500/ticket. We live in CA. I am working 2 jobs in order to survive, while she is spending frivolously and at the same time, acting like she is "poor" and says she doesn't have any money. She did inform me yesterday via e-mail that she is taking D on a trip next month on her weekend, so I will need to be with S2. She was intentionally evasive about where she was going, but I found out through someone else. D2 confirmed it tonight because she told me about it without me asking.
I really want to write her a long letter pointing out all of her moral and ethical failures as a parent and as a person in general, but I am sure that will go nowhere and in her mind, will make me look like the awful person she wants everyone to believe I am.
Writing this helped a little because I was able to vent, but I am still very frustrated. I know I should bite my tongue, but I want to let her have it and let her know I am not the moron she wants to believe I am.
