It has to come from her, as if someone pushes it on her she'll blame that person, and there will be no result because she'd have gone again her will.
Agreed.
Thank you for some of you that understand. If I were coming on here to say " I beat my wife. What can I do to get her back?" That would be something completely different. I never implied that I was the perfect husband and I made that VERY clear several times. I needed to paint the picture of the situation to make it clear what I am dealing with. She never mentioned things were bothering her. I also mentioned above the things I did and am working on.
I did not say I was a great husband, but I was dedicated and faithful. I have doubted myself in the past because she basically told me I was all these horrible things and other have reassured me that it is not all me. And yes, I am a good husband. Not perfect, but good.
I am also not trying to fix her. I don't think she is broken and she is not a non-person. She has many wonderful qualities and that is what makes me want to hold onto her. Last year when we were in MC, she said she is afraid she will like being on her own, but also said she is afraid she is losing her best friend.
She needs help and I know I cannot make her get it. I also mentioned that she was wavering on coming back and has changed her mind several times over the past year (or at least said she was). I also mentioned that we have had many good times together.
I never implied I was trying to solve her problems. I took the advice of the MC and the required online parenting class for the court and wrote up a trial separation (basically plagiarized it from the online site) that included renting or buying her a separate place. It would have been a good start for her to actually know what it is like to be on her own like she wants, figure things out and work on things more amicably. She has not been able to do that and unfortunately, she is getting advice from those who are biased and do not know the real situation. Both husband and wife have their own sides of the situation and some family members become biased.
Again, I have been in therapy for the past year and am working on myself. I know there are things I could have done differently. Unfortunately, we don't always see ourselves from another's eyes, but there were a lot of things she never communicated to me.
I believe most marriages are salvageable, but I understand both have to be willing, but I thought that was the whole point of this site. It wouldn't have done me any good to come on here and say "my wife left for good and I don't know why. I needed to provide a little background.
I just wanted to see if anyone had similar situations and advice. I was also trying to find out if this sounds to anyone like a MLC.
You certainly have a complex situation and the good news is that there is much that can be done.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Clay, How are you doing? Please update us on how things are going.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Latest posting of Clay's from a thread over on the MLC Forum:
I haven't signed the papers for final judgement to return to my attorney. I am stalling and I know this is going to make W angry, but I am trying to figure out a way to talk to her one more time before it is entered into judgement to ask if she will consider MC. Let us become friends again, work on ourselves and then see if we can make it work. I know I cannot control her and I am not trying to do that. I am just trying to prevent something that is irreversible and that she may regret.
I am pretty sure she will say "no" because she has been saying that through her atty for several months. She says "we don't belong together. We are too different." She brings up things from 18 years ago and says "That should have been a clue to me not to marry you."
I think subconsciously (or maybe even consciously)her main motivation is pleasing her parents, as I am quite sure they encouraged the divorce.
The kids are already acting differently, but she doesn't think it has effected them that much. She said "the kids wanted this to happen". They have told me otherwise, but W says they are just telling me that because they don't want to hurt my feelings. D2 said "I hope you can be friends"
When I was in Afghanistan 5 years ago, she was the best friend I ever had. She would e-mail me regularly, send me sexy notes and pictures and tell me all the things she wanted to do to and with me upon my return and gave me the best support I could ask for. The conditions over there didn't matter to me because I always thought of her and the things she would write to me. She would go to the store and get whatever I asked for and rush to the post office with it. It was amazing. I was looking through the e-mails last night and I am wondering where that person is. I cannot get her to see through the fog to those times. I know that it is all-or-nothing thinking, but I am too stubborn to give up.
I started to write her a letter last night.
Here is part of what I said:
"I wanted to take this time to write to you one last time before the transition in our status as a couple. I know we will be communicating over the next few years, but not like we have in the past. So I hope you will read and listen to what I have to say"
I apologized to her for some of the things I had said in the past that may have hurt her and some of the times even when I had a reason to be upset, I overreacted. I told her that although I am not 100% responsible for everything, I would admit my faults and take responsibility for those.
"I am sorry you want to end our marriage and our friendship. I had wished you would reconsider and give it some time with you being on your own before making this decision. I feel like I am losing my best friend and it hurts."
"I will sign the papers and return them to my attorney this week"
"Before I close, I want to take this time to thank you for all you did for me and the support you gave me over the years and that I will never forget (this is what makes it hurt)."
Then I made a list of all the things I remember she had done for me over the years. I want to remember the good times.
I just don't know if I should make one more attempt or let the D go through and hope for another chance after the dust settles or make one more attempt at this.
Any advice from the forum? (I am going to duck my head and wait for the replies)
Edited by Clay234 (Yesterday at 07:53 PM)
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I do not think u should send that letter. Telling her all those things is a waste of time. She will not be open to it right now. There is a last resort letter that people do write but it is not like your letter.
You will not be able to sppeal to her emotions by right now. From my understanding the letter should validate how she feels. You should let her know u do not agree with the divorce. Then tell her you will respect her decision to go because you care for her.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I did take your advice and mention what you suggested in my letter. I did not send it though. I called her last night and asked her if we could meet somewhere and talk. Surprisingly, she agreed. We talked about the kids for about an hour and then I told her I regretted some of the things I had said over the years and realized some of the things I made a big deal about were actually no big big deal. I would like to share one of those things on here because I had a revelation a couple days ago and I cannot figure out why I didn't see it before.
A couple years ago before D's wedding, W told me over the phone while I was working on the opposite coast,that she bought a new dress for the event. Since she has quite a few dresses (mostly summer dresses), I couldn't figure out why she couldn't just grab one out of the closet. She went on to say that since she would be accompanying a man in a tux, she should have a formal dress. Sorry, but I am a guy and I didn't understand. She said "I am the mother of the bride, I should have one". Even though I full custody since D was 6 1/2 and my wife has been around since then, she is actually the step-mother. Bio mom wasn't around much, but she was going to be there. I thought W was trying to up-stage bio-mom, so I called her and attention wh*re. I really had no idea how much the formal meant to her.
She has been bugging since we got married to take her to the Marine Corps Ball. I have been telling her that the last one I attended was in 1991 and since I do not like social functions and spend all day with these people (and 24/7 while deployed) , we would not ever go, especially since I think they are all superficial. I have always been a real stick in the mud and successfully avoided events that are referred to "mandatory fun".
I realized a couple days ago, that it was incredibly selfish of me to never take my beautiful bride to an exciting formal event like that and give her an evening to remember. I could have put up with the phonies and braggarts for one evening in order to give her a dream and I never did. I told her all that and more.
She told me that she knows she has lied to and manipulated people in order to get what she wants and doesn't feel good about it. I believe that is the first time in her life she ever admitted that.
I asked her if she would consider holding off on the D since we are all legally separated and just see how things go over time. I told her I would leave her alone and would not try to hug or kiss her, call, come by unexpectedly or expect anything from her. She said she has been doing a lot in therapy and since she has been married since she was a teenager (we married the day her other D was final)she needed to find out who she is and she really needs for this to go through. She said it is only paper, but she needs that sense of freedom. I told her I didn't agree with her decision, but I support her desire and I will not try to hold her down.
We decided to be friends and eventually do things together and possibly as a family and promised that no matter how ugly the past is, we would leave it behind and move forward from there.
She said she doesn't even know who she is yet, but thinks our personalities are are not compatible because of the way we conflict. I don't agree, but I am going to give her her space. We are getting along fine now and it is somewhat of a relief.
I would rather have a different outcome, but I think this a good start.
Thanks Ghost. I am not giving up hope. It looks like we have figured out how to be amicable and possibly it will work out in the future, but yeah. It didn't need to be this difficult.
Clay, One thing to remember, do not bring up the marriage/relationship w/her for now. Just be a friend, listen and if asked, provide your opinion/advice on things. She's got a lot of growing up to do and she needs to do this on her on at her own pace, i.e., it's her journey to take.
One of the main ingredients for the LBS is patience. You will need a lot of patience in the days ahead.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
