HaWho, Do not wait on him! Advise him what time dinner will be on the table and if he's not there...eat! My xh use to do that all of the time and he soon learned just how tasty cold food was! He also had a habit of when we had to go out and be somewhere at a certain time, he would run in the bathroom and sit on the toilet. Guess what! That got old real quick and I would leave him sitting there. He did this all of the time, no joke! Do not make any excuses for not waiting for him to get back. He's a big boy and knows that you and the kids were waiting.
The joke about you misbehaving wasn't much of a joke. He was making a point. So, you and the kids were to wait for his highness to return 20 minutes late and the food to get cold? No way. Yes, he was a bit hot about you not waiting and trust me, the text was all about PA behavior.
Try to tune him out when he talks about his weight. He's trying to get your attention and wants you to say he's looking good at his age. Get him a nice full length mirror and let him preen all day to his heart's content. Better yet, purchase some small undies, but be sure to cut the tags out so that he can't tell the sizes. Let him think he's gained more weight and it's not being distributed in the places he says it is. LOL! I could have some fun w/this one.
Next time, don't text and ask him where he's at or how long he'll be. He knows what needs to be done and when. Just get up and go or sit down and eat. He's a big boy and can take care of himself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Job- I will not wait for him and I think he knows it now. It felt great to just get up and go. There was a LOT of PA behavior though. He was texting s12 asking where we were going! Then sending me texts "joking" I was acting like a punk! I need to do a better job of ignoring it internally. Externally I did. But I have much work to do here on the inside. I am glad I was able to be logical so that we did not discuss my reaction vs. the issue.
Sitting back I definitely see this pattern that whenever he is called out he tries to get a reaction from me so that he can deflect onto me. Really watching it last night I see he is quite skilled at it. After I saw what he was doing I hit him with a truth dart and he actually acknowledged that he needed to do better.
And I LOVE your ideas of messing with his weight re-distribution. I need to do something because I am going out of my mind with boredom with his obsession over aging. I have fantasies about getting him a Ken doll, leaving it on his desk with a note telling him I finally found his twin. (Except at times, Ken seems like a deeper soul.) Maybe a stocking stuffer idea...
He looks good but, trust me, but I don't need to carry around smelling salts for all the women who swoon when they see him.
MLC obsession with aging is BRUTAL!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
You can have some fun thinking about doing things to him. You could always purchase some magazines that have some hunks on the cover and leave they lying around.
BTW, has he changed the type of undies he's wearing? Some of them do that. Maybe a Christmas get some thongs and put them in his stocking, but get a size smaller. LOL!
Yes, they obsess about aging.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You guys got me giggling about the underwear thing.
Hawho, my H is also very PA. Once I learned about it, it really opened my eyes. He too is very skilled at it. Somehow, he changes the focus onto my reaction, and what a big deal I was making, instead of the issue at hand. It's a true head game. But once I was able to recognize this, I have been able to control my own reactions which in turn forces him to face the real issue.
If you haven't done so already, you might want to read up on PA. I got a great book that explains how they may have come to be that way, what to watch for and how to live with it. It helped my self esteem in a huge way because dealing with a PA person can really start making you think you are a horrible mean person!
In my H situation, his mother is an extreme PA person, so he was raised by that logic.
Last edited by mleigh4; 09/27/1510:25 PM.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Hi MLeigh-I do think I need to read up more on how to deal with PA behavior. I could use some help with it all. So, I would love the name of the book. Thx!
Job- no H has not changed undie styles. He doesn't have time to shop for them between weighing himself, making anti-aging smoothies and counting his new gray hairs! I am sure they are somewhere on his MLC bucket list though. Lol! Have to laugh or I would cry!!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Posting this for those interested in MLC behaviors:
Recently H has had 4 doomsday nightmares in a week and a half. These are end of the world like dreams. H was very shaken by most recent one, a flood.
He worried that these were prophetic as there have been so many in a short time; seems to be a tad paranoid. I went out on a limb and told him I thought they were not prophetic but maybe his mind trying to come to terms with mortality. His eyes flashed child-like and he seemed very reassured. He really did remind me of a kid who had a nightmare.
For some reason after I reassured him, I suddenly realized that he has always been repulsed and scared by the aging process--even in his 20's. I think his fear of aging and death has been bubbling in his mind for a long time. I note this as maybe this too is a trigger for MLC in conjunction with a troubled childhood and poor coping skills?
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Yes, fear of death or dying is a very common trigger for MLC. If you can convince yourself you're young and not going to die, by dating much younger, dressing younger, or distracting yourself with toys like sports cars.
Maybe a Christmas get some thongs and put them in his stocking, but get a size smaller. LOL!
Job, you got me laughing! I think this is a great idea HaWho!
BTW, my H said at BD that he has about 10-15 years to live. Then at some point it got reduced to 5 to 10. I’m patiently waiting to take over the vacation home, LOL.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
They have a fear of mortality and death is at the top of the list. They fear that they won't get a chance to do everything that they want to do before dying. Also, they have a difficult time sleeping at night because of this fear, as well as guilt speaking to them in the quiet moments of night.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I knew the MLCer has fear of aging/death when he/she is approaching midlife. It just didn't occur to me that this fear could have existed for decades.
I am reading through lots of old threads and many spouses note that pre MLC the person is crisis readily snipped people out of his/her life. Then, of course in crisis they go and do it the spouse who saw them do it to to others and yet never believed it would happen to them. I guess this coincides with poor coping skills.
Job- if you read this, can you please clarify what you mean by "guilt" speaking to them in the night. Is this guilt over how they are behaving/treating people or some other guilt?
Anyway- today was a really rough day for me. Lots of anger and sadness. I just kept remembering a lot of the horrible things my H has said to me post BD.
It's strange, some of the comments I disregarded, knowing full well they were emotional crisis comments. Whereas, some of them have hit me very hard. Today I realized that the ones I cannot shake do have an element of truth. The comments were really nasty and all varied on pointing out all the physical ways I am aging. Which I am!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
