I think we're piecing, but wishing for more!

[SParker]

I don't know how to post my original thread, but will look into it.

My WAH has said he wants to rebuild our M. We're spending more time together than we have for at least 2 yrs. now and getting along greatly! Things seem to get progressing in good ways.

SO.... Why am I so anxious to take things faster?! I want a total commitment from H! I want for us to live together again! I can't seem to get past feeling like he isn't placing as much importance on our M as I am!

Lately, he has been very caring and wanting to talk openly about any feelings we have. He has mostly refrained from bringing up the past bad feelings. BUT, he says he wants to do things independently to prove things to himself. (Mostly, build self-esteem I think.) I know this is a positive thing for him. I wish he was working on rebuilding our M with this much gusto though! Maybe, this just touches the 'he doesn't need me' nerve deep down! Could this be a small aha moment?

We have been having a physical relationship & things couldn't be more wonderful. We are also enjoying tender moments, a lot of laughter, and just being together in general. Then I go home to the kids. I think we'll get to the point I want to be at, just struggling with waiting for it. He is also needing to make sure my changes become habits, and needs to trust that.

He says it will take 'baby steps' and I agree, but feel like buying the baby a walker already!

I know I'm probably going to get jumped on for this, but I'm just having an honest rant here! This really stinks!

I texted him tonight thanking him for his loving text this morning and it meant a lot. And, when he is ready to make our M a priority, I will be here.

Too pushy? To direct? That's exactly how I feel, but I'm 2nd guessing myself completely. GROAN!

I don't know if I'm being too inflexible right now as I don't feel like going to town to walk with him or spend time tonight while not feeling like I'm important enough to him. Do I need my head checked?

[Missmeg]

Wow we are in such similar places!!! We both have 7 year relationships with a husband who has no children of his own, if I'm reading your signature correctly.

I could have written that paragraph about resuming physical relationship, the increase in tender moments and enjoyment in spending time together, that just ends when I go home to the kids alone. It's exactly the same as my sitch!!

I too am anxious and eager for him to just come back home already, and am a little resentful that I seem just a tad more eager to work on things than he does.

I totally agree that this stinks!

Baby steps, patience, GAL, don't pursue do 180s. BOO! I wish I could just be in my marriage without having to be so consciously deliberate about everything. But I want to reconcile, I want to be a better me, and when he does finally come home I want our marriage to be better and stronger, so what else can I do?!

[SParker]

Yes, it does seem like we're at the same place & feel the same way about it! Funny, because my H told me I'm not normal in wanting to rush things & not just appreciating what we are doing! LOL
Well, DON'T do what I did yesterday for sure! My H became defensive and withdrew, of course, in reading my text. By the time we talked last night, it seemed like all progress was lost & he was giving up on me. I'm choosing to see the positives though: We didn't slip into old patterns while discussing things, I was very respectful to him and not critical, and we ended by disagreeing but hugging "goodnight."

I pointed out that fights can be positive if handled correctly and he agreed. Today, he is still withdrawn though. H has a tendency to throw the baby out with the bathwater and acts like he's deciding if all is lost. H indicated last night that he would rather I had sent more encouraging text messages like I had been doing before. Live and learn! Now, I have to take a few steps back & hope for the progress we had made to come back! I took my eye off of the goal in my impatience & lost the prize for the time being.(I hope!)
Now for more work on myself!
As for what you can do & what I SHOULD have done... Celebrate the positive steps! Focus on what is good & it will expand. (Ripped off from another poster here.) Be disciplined on making personal progress! Remember, everything worth having is worth waiting for! Keep a journal so you can focus on all the triumphs you have made.
You've came a long way, don't toss that out!
I will be here to cheer you on!

[Missmeg]

And I've got your back too!

Inpatience is a killer, and it's my hardest thing to deal with. I also have a real hard time biting my tongue when I want to say something short and snide. Like today he was talking how he wanted to upgrade to the new Apple TV box but couldn't afford it, I was so close to saying "well if you weren't paying money to rent a room in that woman's condo we could afford it." But I held my tongue.

The two steps forward one step back is pretty hard to deal with too. I almost don't want to have a wonderful day together, cause I know the next day or two or three he'll be at least neutral toward me, if not outright cold and distant.

Baby steps and working on me - but now with a whole lot of hope for reconcile the marriage. Just not as soon as I would like to see it happen!

[Di-mond]

Reading your posts, I feel like I'm listening to myself. I get so frustrated in this waiting game. My H too says I want to rush things. I've never been a very patient person. I have seen too many things and lost people close to me. I don't want to waste time. I want to be with the man that I love, not later, but now. My H says he loves me, so what is the problem? Whatever he has to figure out for himself, why can't he do this when we are together. And yes, the money factor....together it would be so much easier financially for both of us if we split the bills. Arrrggghhh!!! Today I'm feeling especially frustrated and impatient. Lol

[SParker]

Welcome to the club, Diana! Lack of patience is a killer! Gotta remember I can't control H's timeline, feelings, or behavior... even when I feel I KNOW better and have better reasoning. LOL I have to keep stepping back from my perspective. It is nice to compare with others who are in very similar situations. I will be reading your thread soon. Keep the positives in the front of your mind!

[SParker]

That is ironic. I was having the same thought last night about dreading spending good time together. Also, I was thinking about when I get strength from being closer to God, it seems to always turn out that I will be using ALL of that strength very soon due to a trying time I don't want to go through! I almost long for the comfort of the 'middle of the road' in my life again and no more growth! But yet I don't want to change my path now, even if it's really bumpy. It's the only way for me to get where I need to be and I realize this. I have to keep gassing up! (Feeling very corny today!)

[Missmeg]

Wow - too coincidental. Just today I had a conversation with my friend that when you ask God for patience He will give it to you, and then will give you a bunch of situations that require that you use it!! Too funny we're both on the same path right now!

Diana I am so exactly where you are. My H says he loves me, and wants the marriage to work. So why the ------ doesn't he moved back home and start the marriage?! He needs space and needs to work on his issues. Well he can still go to counseling even if he lives at home. He can go up to the extra bedroom and close himself in. We can create a man cave for him for his space. Boo!

Also very grateful someone mentioned the rubber band thing, because it sure seems to play true. Last night we were romantic and loving and affectionate. Today no contact, except for one very terse text he sent me that said "busy day at work. Hope your day went well. Good night." I mean, why even both to text?!

On the GAL side of things, I had a great day at my job, spent lunch talking to some of my best friends who are also work buddies. After work I had a dental check up then saw my therapist and had a great personal session with her. Tonight I talked to my sister, hung out with my kids, and did some shopping. Was actually so busy until just about 9 PM that I didn't even realize he hadn't contacted me all day.

I just feel like life is short, we know we love each other, and I miss him. I want to spend my days near him, not just waiting for the clock to run out until he figures out that he needs to come back home. But that's my arrogance and sense of superiority .

I try to remember to be grateful that we are where we are now!! Piecing is a much better place to be than where I was two months ago.

[SParker]

Look at the positive, Missmeg! H didn't contact you all day, BUT he made sure he texted you at night and let you know why. Although it wasn't a lovey-dovey message, he was showing care for you. That's a good thing! We need all the good things we can get right now. We need to be "glass half full" people for our own mental health! (Grandma's voice in head right now saying, "Count your many blessings!").

Funny thing; as much as I would love to have the fairy-tale R and am trying to accept the good of my circumstances, last night I figured out H has the same struggle. I have been down at times lately & he wants me to be all happy and lovey. We discussed that he shouldn't take it personally & it was nothing against him. It was still hard for him to accept, but he did try. It made me feel better to think we had a common thread as to our respective emotions and desires. Don't know if that made any sense or not!

I'm hoping for you that your H might just be working through some difficult things right now. That would be great! Mine is avoiding any self-work by either getting to busy at the shop, taking on too much, or spending all his time with me! Men can be wussies in avoiding painful things! I have to step back and not be one of his excuses to avoid this, although for some selfishness on my part... if he doesn't go through what he needs to go through, him coming home will take much longer if that is to happen!

Then I think about how much pain I was in and how much I wanted him to change while we were together, so I can look forward to any progress from him in his changes while I'm making the ones I need to make. YES, it does stink that we can't do that TOGETHER! Maybe this is God granting me more patience... UGH! LOL

It sounds like you had a great GAL day! Stay strong & keep going! May God grant us both patience... but not "too much"!

[Missmeg]

Romantic Wednesday evening with H, followed by very minimal contact Thursday, nothing Friday. I am not stressing though, He has to work on his stuff and he has much worse stuff to work through than I do.

And actually, I don't really feel like talking to him today. Not because I'm mad at him or I don't love him or anything, it's just I've been really busy and I want to jump in a bubble bath and read a silly novel and have some alone time. So if I feel like that, he certainly has the right to have alone time as well.

Wish I knew how this is all going to end up, but good to know that I'm OK all by myself if that's the way it turns out.

[SParker]

Good for you! That's the biggest consolation out of all of this, isn't it? I teeter on this & dread... hope then dread... on and off...all the time! I want off of this ride! Now to concentrate on the positives, I must think good thoughts!

I'm glad you're at a peaceful place tonight though. I hope you enjoy!