H has been very distant for the last few weeks. We barely see each other or say anything, even though he does come around. So that makes it a little easier for me to try to detach myself.
This weekend was our marriage anniversary, which was not addressed between us, but H was off and home until midnight that day somehow. I just went to do stuff with my kids. I am learning to have no expectations.
The other day MIL and FIL were at our house watching the kids due to H's irregular work schedule. H did not come home all night until late morning, so that red-flagged them. MIL asked me what is happening. I told her he did not want to come home and stayed only for kids. I didn't disclose the details of OW, but told them about drinking and financial issues. They said they will talk to H. SIL is supposed to fill me in how it went (since I have a little language barrier with MIL) this week, but obviously nothing much because I see no difference in H.
I am trying to stay on track with exercise, my classes, meetups and so on. Yesterday I cleaned the whole house really well, which made me feel better since I sometimes have not had energy to tidy up and I knew I didn't like it. I hope I will keep this up too.
My kids give me strength. Though it is difficult sometimes to take care of two toddlers, they are full of life and hope. They make me laugh. I feel so bad and sad when I think of the possibility of broken family, but for now, I do what I can do today.
Anna, I am also curious why you didn't tell them about the OW.
Your in laws sound like they would be on your side.
For my sitch, the ex in laws knew about OW. According to the X, they loved her. According to the ex fil, the OW was really cheerful. In short, they knew about her and they gave her approval!!! Although it seemed that the X painted an entirely diff pic of our sitch to the fil and the fil now wants us to patch back, knowing that they liked her really is a major obstacle in any future R.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
The reason I didn't tell MIL about OW is because I didn't have that much time as I had to go get ready and leave for work. Also as I mentioned, there is a little language barrier between us to discuss complicated matters on our own. I will see SIL this week and I am ready to tell her about OW. We will probably discuss if we should tell his parents or not.
I know FIL will be on my side. They are the kind of people who would not approve of any extra marital affair regardless of the reason. Also my H is not a very open person to his family, so I doubt he will introduce/talk about OW to his family any time soon.
Yes, I think it is prudent to just ask your SIL for her advice. Michele's advice is to reveal the A to those who are pro-marriage and who will not stand in your way of reconciliation. Your SIL would probably be in a better position to advise you on your next step.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
So I went to talk to sister in law. She said she will talk to H. Though we don't think H will be talked into doing anything right now, SIL wanted to let him know what she thinks, so she did. (I was no there)
SIL told H that OW will not be welcomed into the family no matter what happens. H told her it's not OW's fault that our marriage had problems, but SIL made it clear that OW knowingly pursuing married man is wrong and she wants to have nothing to do with that. She told him she does not accept H's dealing with marriage problem by going off with someone else either. SIL also told H that H has to tell their parents. Of course H started mumbling all the excuses and he will get to it sometime. SIL told H if he has a problem, identify what it is and think about what he can do, because otherwise, even away from this marriage, even with somebody else, that problem will follow you. H's response was, he is not trying to solve it. H told her the reason he has not told any of his family is because he is not looking for anyone's advise, because he is not trying to solve anything.
I'm not saying our marriage was perfect, but to me, his perception of our troubled marriage (that he has not had feeling left for me for a while) is rewriting a history.
The other day I overheard him talking to OW in the shower. I could not make out much, but did not sound like a fun conversation. H sounded like he was trying to appease her. My first reaction was to tell him to get out of my house if he wants to talk to her, but I decided to let them have their problems and I would be pleasant and just minding my own business. It hurts how disrespectful these two are, but OW must not be feeling happy either him still staying at home, regardless whatever H tells her. So I figured there is no reason for me to show them I feel hurt and threatened.
It is discouraging though to know that H is determined not to work on our M/R...
Your SIL did the right thing. Did you tell her about the assault? You should document that somehow or with someone. You never know where things like that may go. Make sure you know your options if things go bad. Plan for the worst, hope for the best.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
Hi Anna, good to hear from you. I'm glad to hear you told SIL and that she was supportive. Family pressure may or may not help in these situations - but it is good for you to know that SIL has supported you and voiced her concerns. It sounds as though your H was pretty unreceptive to the feedback - but I do think it is a little reality breaking into the fantasy.
You see, it is one thing to have forbidden, exciting contact with someone. That is all rather thrilling. However, that translating into a workable relationship - where you have Sunday lunch with the family and everyone gets along - well, that's quite another matter. It sounds as though things aren't too great with OW anyway. I think that is also pretty common as time goes on. However, there may well be some splitting up and reconciling going on with him and OW - that's happened many times in my sitch.
I hope you are managing to keep your own head above water, focus on you and the kids, and also carry on with some GAL? I start the divorce recovery workshop tomorrow, and I'm looking forward to meeting some other folk who have had similar experiences.
Take care & keep posting xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I have separated my phone line to my own account, and I asked him to pay for his own car, his own car's registration, and his own credit card he is charging his date expenses.
I could have done all this before, but I guess now I got pushed enough after seeing all these irresponsible charges by him while we were struggling to pay bills at home. At first H thought I did all this to punish him, giving all the bills at the same time purposefully. He said he hated me for that. I explained to him it happened to be at the same time, but that is not my intention. For example, I was going to pay for the credit card bill, until I saw he is charging his personal expenses on it. I told him I am sorry if he feels that way, but I never lie to him or intentionally hurt him, that I wish anything bad for him, which is really true. I told him me and kids are just trying to survive. He said he was sorry that he thought that way, and he doesn't hate me. He said he knows this is all his doing, and I have just sat here and taken it, which is not right.
He also mentioned that he is hoping to get another job within this month and move out by new year. Again I told him I'm sorry to hear that but I will respect his decision.
It hurts to be made so clear that he can not wait to get away and he sees no possible future with me right now. Verbally he is usually polite, and he said he respects me and kids, but his actions of course say otherwise by not providing enough money or communication with OW in our house.
My IC asked me today when it is enough for me. I honestly don't know the answer. I told her I think I will know when it is. Will I?
No I have not told her in details, but I told her that he is coming on to me while I said no. However, H seemed to be really done with me and he has no physical contact with me at all.
Sotto,
It is hard to focus on myself sometimes when I discover more lies and betrayal. I try to take it one day at a time, one thing in front of me at a time. I surely have stronger bond with my kids and I am truly grateful for them.
How was your workshop? I hope you have gained helpful insight with people in the similar situation. We do need help from each other. Sometimes, it feels like I am the only one in so much pain. Sometimes, I feel like I am willing to swap anyone else's crappy day for my life right now.
