H has started an affair 2

[Anna25]

Thanks Sotto,
This morning was the same interaction again. H seemed tired & miserable, gave me hugs and wouldn't want to let me go. I asked H what he is doing and he said he doesn't know. I kept saying I really have to go.

I can kind of tell that he is lingering a little more, rather than going straight to another room without saying anything or not even looking at me. H asked me how my back is etc. (my D3 apparently told him that it is hurting)
I try not to read too much into it, but it is hard to go back and forth between his moods...

[Anna25]

Thank you Starsky
It means a lot coming from a vet like you!

[twinmom]

Anna a parenting plan doesn't have to be a legal document done by the court... just on paper agreement between the two of you, makes it more "set" and shows H you don't play. ....

[Anna25]

Do you think it's ok to actually tell H that I would love to be intimate with him again when time is right but I have too much self-respect to do that now, or that he just can't have both worlds, something to that effect?
I'm just getting frustrated that we have the same exchange every morning...

[mvgfwd2]

I think that is perfectly acceptable. Just make it clear what you need to get there. Like proof the A is over and re-commitment to work on the M (these would be mine, you need to pick your boundary). I would think H could accept your need to be in an exclusive relationship (it's the foundation of marriage for god's sake!!).

[Sotto]

My issue is with the 'when the time is right' part, because I think that sounds as though you are 'waiting' for this to resolve. I think the message you want to give is - whilst you remain involved (in whatever way) with her, you and I won't have a relationship. We will coparent and that will be all.

Ways of handling 'it' that I have read on this board include things like:

Please don't do that. It isn't appropriate given the state of our marriage right now.

No - whilst you are involved with someone else, I don't feel like being romantic with you.

Please stop that. I'm not willing to be with you that way while there's a third person in our relationship.

I think the important parts are the boundary setting and the clear message why. I don't think you need to add the reassurance parts. You can say all of the above firmly and pleasantly of course..

[Starsky309]

What Sotto said.


Starsky

[Anna25]

Thanks mvgfwd, Sotto and Starsky.
I did tell him this morning that I don't want this when he has someone else. He stopped what he was doing, but didn't really say anything.

I went to see L. Turns out I don't really have a lot of choices. Since H and I make about the same money and H takes care of the kids as well, there is not much I get from him. That is even for legal S or D. The only thing I learned was that the date of the separation could be any day (I'm thinking BD), we don't have to be physically separated if we have to go that route to divide assets and debts.
L said even if H just takes off and leaves everything for me to take care of, there is not much I can do. If H doesn't take care of the kids, of course I get child support, but because we make the same money, it's not going to be a lot...


I think I'll have to have a talk with H about finances once again, this time with all the expenses and numbers listed for him to see. Since I have been doing all the bill payment, I don't think H really understands I am not really bluffing about having no money, and losing a house is going to be a reality if he continues.

[Anna25]

Journaling...

I gave H a list of expenses and told him that it's getting really serious. H agreed he does not want anything to happen to the house either(like selling or renting out) and that he is going to be more conscious about spending.
I know his promises don't mean anything, but if H doesn't want to contribute money,there is not much I can do. My IC suggested that being a little firm about finances with H might wake him up a little bit of his "adult/responsible" part...I hope.

This morning H seemed a little bit friendly/chatty.
Kids found a fortune cookie and asked H to open it for them. when H opened it, he asked D3 to bring the little fortune paper strip to me. It says " You are a thoughtful and considerate person" (not sure how this is a fortune-telling!)but I took it as a nice gesture??

H even said a little joke, which I don't really recall him saying for the past 1.5 months and said "I'll see you" with eye contact. I'm not saying any of these are a game changer, but I just needed to find some good things as pick-me-up on this Friday morning...

[Sotto]

Hi Anna, you could always get a further legal opinion if you are unsure about the first L you saw. It does sound as though your H may need a reality check about finances. But it is a tightrope between you being seen as an authority figure, and needing to protect your interests. I don't know the answer there - but creating as much security as possible for you and your kids is paramount. Hopefully that will be in the same house. But if your H truly wants to S, and if your house were relatively expensive for example, moving may become a reality - I don't know.

Anyway, it sounds as though you are doing well - engaging with some difficult reality - and managing to DB at the same time. Are you still extending yourself with GAL too?