Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 10 11
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 11
L
LMS Offline
New Member
Offline
New Member
L
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 11
HELP!! My husband and I have been separated for 6 months.. and I have been trying to use the DB principles.. but I just found out he's setting up to have an weekend away with one of his Match.com women.. and I'm hurting all over. When I came home from being away for 5 weeks seeing my family ..he hugged me and said he missed me, and was different. He apologized for things..which before he never did. And so I responded and made a nice dinner for he and my son.. and then I think he felt that I was "back" and he turned toward the excitement of a new girlfriend.. and I have no idea what to do. I am trying to "go dark" but we have to sort out financial things for my daughter who is in college. Please advise.. -very very sad and not sleeping. My biggest fear is that he will LOVE sex with this match.com woman and then I will totally lose him..

Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 11
L
LMS Offline
New Member
Offline
New Member
L
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 11
its really good to see you stay principled. I think that I fold and go 'back' emotionally at the smallest invitation and my husband feels that and I lose ground. I really respect how you are handling things. I feel like my husband has me for 'comfort'and then goes gallivanting on match.com for excitement. Can you help me.. when he invites me for dinner or tries to come into my car on the ferry to talk.. should I decline? I thinklikely yes? But how do I start to show him that we can have a good relationship?

Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 100
A
Anna25 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 100
Hi LMS,

I'm sorry to hear you are in a tough situation. I totally feel you, heartbroken, so am I.
I just recently unfollowed H's instagram and deleted facebook app from my phone. Believe me it was hard. I used to check H's activity all the time, not because I suspected him doing anything wrong, but I guess that shows my neediness and dependancy on him I used to have.

Now I don't know what he is up to, which is really weird. I know very little about the man I used to share every little thing every day. But I am coming to terms with the fact that I can have no control over some things. No matter how anxious I get over what he is doing, who he is with, I can do nothing about it right now. If I knew he would go on a date, can I stop it? No,then it's better not to know about things that only give me hurt and axiety.
It doesn't mean I won't go crazy and lose it. I probably will, but I'm just trying for my own sake...

My H does change his attitude all the time too. One day he acts like he really misses me, the next day he seems to want to have nothing to do with me. It is so so difficult not to have your hopes up when H seems to come around. I have to tell myself all the time that this will not resolve next week and I just have to be patient for a bumpy ride. No doubt my H is very confused, I believe so is your H. They don't know what they want, or they don't want to decide right now. They just act like little kids who like new toys, but still need their security blanket when they feel down.

How nice I should be to H is my issue all the time too! My DB coach told me to treat H as I treat my brother. I would treat him with love, but I wouldn't obsess about him or try to control him. Yeah I get that in my head, but I know it is difficult to put it into practice when your H, who you desperately want, is there. Sigh...

I'm in no position of giving you advise, but I just wanted to give you my support that I feel your pain...I hope you will get some great ideas from wise people on this board.


Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 100
A
Anna25 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 100
I'm not in a very good place this weekend.
I was going to out tonight so I asked H if he can watch the kids, but he said he is working all day. Something about his response gave me a hunch that he is lying. He kept saying sorry. He wouldn't have to say sorry if he is picking up extra shift to make more money. Also I saw his work clothes in the room and he didn't come home to change or shower.
So when I was out with kids this morning, I drove by his work. I don't know why, but I couldn't help it. Sure enough his car was not there.
I don't ask his whereabouts anymore, but he is out everyday. So if I ask once or twice a week for him to watch the kids, does he have to lie? I told him I can't afford to pay extra( like going out time) for a babysitter, so I have no choice to stay, but he is not working and doing who knows what.
I'm angry. I want to say something. Is it ok to say something? ( without mentioning that I went by his work) How should I say it?

Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,450
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,450
I'd ask in a bewildered voice: "The kids and I went by to treat you to lunch so you could see them - but you weren't there??"

It might not be a great idea but I probably couldn't help myself...

On the other hand, they're his kids. He doesn't "watch them" for you. They are a shared responsibility. Maybe you need to suggest a separation agreement that includes a custody schedule, if he's going to bail out on them.

Or - you could tell him that then you'll ask the in-laws.

DISCLAIMER: I have no idea if any of this is DB-approved. It's just what I would consider.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 11
L
LMS Offline
New Member
Offline
New Member
L
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 11
thank you so much for responding.. it helps just to know someone understands. I have thought of deleting my facebook account but can't quite do it. I am trying to make my own plans and avoid all contact. I went on a 14 K run with a friend out in the Cascade mountains and that was great..but it is so hard to come home to an empty suite all by myself. Even though I felt I made this heroic attempt to GAL. I just ache.. with the effort of wading through this pain all the time. I want to figure out how to make it diminish..but even when I do the right things.. it is still there. What helps??

Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 786
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 786
Parenting plan!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A set schedule of who is with the kids and when. If he doesn't show up, you call the in-laws and all them to watch the kids because you have somewhere to be and your H is MIA?


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 100
A
Anna25 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 100
So H came home Saturday night. I asked if he had been working all day and how work was, he said yes, fine. So I didn't ask further.I was still not sure how,and I wanted to think a little more how to talk about this.

However this morning, H told me he is sorry I couldn't go out Saturday night. So I said, " You didn't work on Saturday, did you?" He said he really did work the night but not during the day and he was sorry he didn't tell me. I asked him I'd rather him to tell me if he didn't want to watch the kids, and he said that's not why.
So H does certain things, and he feels too guilty and fesses up on his own (to some extent).

We chatted about his work a little, and I told him I'll be a little late tonight (for a Spanish class, but he doesn't have to know that!) and kids' dinner is in the fridge. He asked me yet again if it's a guy and if he is handsome. OK I really had to laugh. What??? H kept saying that he just wanted to know how the guy looks and if he is handsome. WTH???

From there, a repeat from the other morning. H just wanted to hug me and tried to kiss me. I couldn't help but say, "One day you want to have nothing to do with me and then..." H kept saying, " I really don't know why, I really don't know why"
I told him I had to go, and H was just standing there watching me putting on shoes etc... so I smiled and said "bye, see you later"


Painter,

Thans for the input! Unfortunately we are not really on "having lunch together randomely" terms, so I couldn't have said that, but I told him I just figured (that he is not working) because he only had one pair of work clothes etc.


LMS,

Wow, 14K run is great! I really admire you!
But I know sooooo much about GALing and still feel empty. I force myself to do stuff, which could be fun and distracting to some extent, but I get very sad and depressed all of a sudden too. My IC told me to fake it until make it.
Even yesterday, in the middle of the rough weekend, I didn't feel like it, but still took the kids out to do some fun stuff. On the drive home, I cried ( for me, I get hit by sadness during driving a lot) but I still think it was better than sitting at home. I also think H will notice your change, maybe slower than you would like, but he still will.
I think nothing wil take away the pain. Though all the vets here say it will get better with time. It might be true. I don't know yet. TBH, I don't even know if I want to be ok without my H. I'm not there yet.
I wish we could have a glass of wine together!!

twinmom,

Thank you! I have free consultation scheduled with L this week, so I will make sure to ask about these arrangements too. I did ask SIL but she was busy this weekend.

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Hi Anna, I think it was fair enough to call him out on the 'working' thing. And at least he admitted it, which is good. For sure he sounds pretty confused and pretty bothered about what you may be doing and who with.

As you say, the GAL can feel somewhat forced at times. But on balance it is a good thing for you. I have had those feelings of sudden emptiness during GAL. Equally I have had some great moments and met some lovely people. It is well worth the effort, not only for you, but it is clearly impacting on your H which is no bad thing.

The message you are showing him is that you have no intention of putting your own life on hold while he chooses to conduct a R with a third party. And that's a good, self-respecting attitude to have. I also think you are doing well to resist with the hugs etc and just leave. The message? You don't get to have us both matey. I respect myself too much for that.

Keep it up Anna. As you say, it is tough. But this was never going to be otherwise. I think you are doing well, and the general direction of travel is a good one. That's as much as you can hope for just now I think.

Take care xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Originally Posted By: Sotto


The message you are showing him is that you have no intention of putting your own life on hold while he chooses to conduct a R with a third party. And that's a good, self-respecting attitude to have. I also think you are doing well to resist with the hugs etc and just leave. The message? You don't get to have us both matey. I respect myself too much for that.


I agree. Great job, Anna! whistle whistle


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Page 4 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 10 11

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard