Anna, I wouldn't wait to see an attorney. If you wait, you will be left to reacting to anything H does. In order to protect yourself and the children - as you know he is not completely rational right now - you need to be ahead and not run behind. Seeing an attorney is not a commitment, it is just a way to find out what your potential avenues are, going forward. I am worried that you may regret not having informed yourself of your rights and options.
My H kept saying he wanted to be fair, that he was looking out for me, while he hired an attorney behind my back and tried to block my entry to our marital home. He also thought that I should just go live with my son without any financial support from him, in another state, and start rebuild my life from scratch. I stayed home for many years taking care of his children and his mother, so I don't have a retirement or any experience from the job market in recent years. When I talked to an attorney, I got information that was very, very different from what H thought was "fair". It was very empowering, and made me feel a lot better about my situation. It took away a lot of fear and uncertainty I had felt. I also believe that it made H reconsider his decisions and snapped him out of the fog.
I owe it so much to this board. First GALing and L now, I was really hesitant and I couldn't have done it without your nudge. Thank you very much.
I went to IC today and she also told me the importance of taking care of/protecting myself and kids. " Put yourself on the front burner now. Sure, people oppose it when it first happens, telling you to go back to the old ways, but you are not being selfish by taking care of you."
So I contacted one of the L offices I found. Still waiting for their call back, but I took the tiny step anyways...
I also unfollowed H's instagram since it only gives me anxiety no matter what I find or don't find...
It's funny, though H has not been treating me well at all, I still care so much about H's wellbeing, I still so want to protect and take care of his financials, his physical and mental health etc...
Hi Anna, I think that's a good move. Most L's (in the UK anyway) offer initial free half hour consultations, so do make the most of those and go with Qs prepared. See more than one L if you're not sure about the first one. There is no need for your H to know you have even been. This is purely for you to get some advice and understand your rights and options better.
Good luck with things. Glad the IC is ongoing and good for you with the Instagram. You really don't need that just now...enough anxiety already!
I can understand what you say about your H. The love doesn't just disappear when there is a significant shared history there. Even though as you say, the behaviour isn't great.
Keep on going - you're doing really well my friend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Good for you! Think about it as the oxygen masks on an airplane. You can't help anyone else unless you put your own mask on first.
One tip: Don't spend time on telling the L that you don't want to divorce. They can't do anything about that, it's outside their area. Look at it as a tutoring session, and you want to get as much info as you can about a *possible* outcome to an action that could be initiated by either H or you.
Bring a financial overview - I saved tons of time with my L by having a spreadsheet with me of assets, debts, monthly income and expenses. Then I wrote a brief history (a page or so) of our M and the A and where we were at that time. She could read all of it in a few minutes, refer to it as we spoke, and not have to spend time asking me many questions, taking notes and making calculations. She could go right to the options and tell me what would most likely happen based on this info, and what my options were. It was an incredibly productive session.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Anna, I think if you can see yourself as the one who needs to maintain security and steadiness, that may help. You've acknowledged that your H is making half-baked plans from a place of infatuation just now. None of that is in the best interests of either your marriage or your family.
You seeking L advice is purely a means to maintain as much steadiness and security for everyone in the face of current uncertainties.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Yes, they offer initial free consultation in the States too, so I am going to take advantage of that.
I looked up Stockdale Paradox you mentioned, and wow that was exactly what I was wondering. I still have so much hope that he will snap out of it eventually, and that hope is the thing that keeps me going despite of all the difficulties. I am not truly yet in the mindset of "no matter what happens I will be a better person"
And then I wonder, what if he never comes back? Then I will crush so badly, will I be ever able to get up again? To hope for the best and prepare for the worst, is exactly what I need. I was so scared that I was in denial, but I will too have to snap out of it...
Good for you! Think about it as the oxygen masks on an airplane. You can't help anyone else unless you put your own mask on first.
One tip: Don't spend time on telling the L that you don't want to divorce. They can't do anything about that, it's outside their area. Look at it as a tutoring session, and you want to get as much info as you can about a *possible* outcome to an action that could be initiated by either H or you.
Bring a financial overview - I saved tons of time with my L by having a spreadsheet with me of assets, debts, monthly income and expenses. Then I wrote a brief history (a page or so) of our M and the A and where we were at that time. She could read all of it in a few minutes, refer to it as we spoke, and not have to spend time asking me many questions, taking notes and making calculations. She could go right to the options and tell me what would most likely happen based on this info, and what my options were. It was an incredibly productive session.
Thank you so much for the valuable tip! I will pepare the income/expense/asset review for L to see. Honestly I was not really sure what to expect, so thank you.
My bigguest Q is how we can be protected while H is still livinng at home. (since I don't think H being able to move out is happening too soon...)
This morning when I was about to leave, H gave me a really long hug. H said I need to eat more, so I replied I'm just eating healthy and I feel good. H lingered saying he just wanted to hold me. H also asked me to kiss him, so I said" I want to but can't", H said "I know" same old conv. He asked me a few times, but didn't force it. H seemed very tired and stressed. Even though I have to admit it felt good to be in his arms, I gathered up all my willpower and said I have to go and left.
It's so hard. So very, very hard. It's worse when they try to pull you back in, it plays right into the loss we feel.
You are strong and principled, and it's what you need to be for yourself. I hope he is feeling the loss, and it's good that you don't let him eat cake.
Starsky, thanks!
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Think about it as the oxygen masks on an airplane. You can't help anyone else unless you put your own mask on first. 
