H has started an affair 2

[Anna25]

Hi Sotto,

I haven't said or done anything yet.

However, H was late AGAIN this morning. This time he initiated the conversation about how this is not working and asked me what we should do. I said he could hire a babysitter but it's probably not realistic considering the money he has been giving me, or I could ask in-laws. He didn't like the idea of in-laws. So I asked him what he thinks. He didn't have an answer, but told me he really didn't want to be here (at home)

Since we didn't have too much time to talk, that was it. But H didn't want to live here anymore, that much is clear.

I really need to figure out how, finance and childcare if we do separate. I'm not sure if H has any concrete idea on how he can proceed. I'm not sure anymore if H even wants to be with the kids. Is he thinking he can just take off with no responsibility for kids? I really don't know this person right now...

[mvgfwd2]

You may want to see a L to determine your options. If your only option is to call the in-laws than to babysit then that is what you have to do. If it's a problem for H that's too bad. He's the one who created this mess and left you with no other options. Stop protecting him from the consequences of his actions.

[Sotto]

Hi Anna, I'm sorry to hear this and I agree with mvgfwd. It sounds like it is time for you to take advantage of the initial free consultations offered by L's. This will help you determine what support should be forthcoming from your H in the event he chooses to leave.

As you say, it sounds as though you will need to make plans in terms of childcare and finances. You and he S is by no means a bad thing IMHO. He is 'out' of the M just now anyway, and probably sees you as 'standing between' him and the green grass of being with AP. Probably he needs to get tummyache from greengrass overload in order to see what he is losing. If you are also solidly moving forward, making your own plans and letting him be, that will be the best plan I think.

I wouldn't try and pursuade him to stay. But you can let him know that S isn't your choice, but you respect that if it is his. And then let him go.....it is still early days in your sitch and this is by no means the end of things...

Good luck Anna xx

[twinmom]

Sometimes filing for legal separation is a good thing. I think this would help protect you and the kids. You also need to stop protecting your H from his family. If you need help, ask for it. Don't lie to them, don't tattle on H but the truth is the truth.

[Painter]

Hi Sotto,

I haven't said or done anything yet.

However, H was late AGAIN this morning. This time he initiated the conversation about how this is not working and asked me what we should do. I said he could hire a babysitter but it's probably not realistic considering the money he has been giving me, or I could ask in-laws. He didn't like the idea of in-laws. So I asked him what he thinks. He didn't have an answer, but told me he really didn't want to be here (at home)

Since we didn't have too much time to talk, that was it. But H didn't want to live here anymore, that much is clear.

I really need to figure out how, finance and childcare if we do separate. I'm not sure if H has any concrete idea on how he can proceed. I'm not sure anymore if H even wants to be with the kids. Is he thinking he can just take off with no responsibility for kids? I really don't know this person right now...

So if H - the children's father - doesn't want to take care of them anymore, he's changing what you have been doing all along? That is not your problem. If he doesn't want to be there, he has to find another solution. You made a suggestion, now it's up to him.

Do you know where he is staying? Maybe drop the kids off there one morning when he's not there on time?

[Anna25]

mvgfwd, Sotto, Twinmom and Painter,

Thank you for your advice, we had some conversation over the weekend, so here it is.

Yesterday I took the kids to the beach for mom's meetup.
While getting ready with stuff, H asked where we are going. So I said beach. He was like "Beach? With Who?" "Some friends" "A guy friend? with kids?" He sounded like he is convinced I am dating a guy and I'm taking the kids to the guy. He seemed mad. I said "friends"


And last night H and I had a talk, really first time since BD.

H started saying, "While we are ignoring each other and have no relationship, I don't know why we are doing this" So I said, "Sorry if you feel that way, but my thoughts about M has not changed (that I would like to work on our R)

He said he is looking for an additional job and wants to get some cheap place for himself. He said it's not just because of OW, things are not that great with her either (which I don't necessarily believe)
He doesn't want D or anything right now, but he needs some space. I validated his feelings and I said I'm really sorry if he has to leave, and I don't agree, but I still respect his choice.
H said he has a lot of respect for me, I'm a great mom and wife, he still finds me very sexy, so it's not something I did, it's all something in his head. He also said that this will probably be the biggest mistake of his life, but he just can't do it right now.

I was calm and didn't cry. He said he wish I could be mad at him.

H also said I'm smart and beautiful that I will meet someone who can make me happy, that I deserve to be happy, but he can't do that. So I told him I'm not looking for anyone to make me happy if it's him or not, I want to make myself happy, which I have been giving a thought for this while.

Financially, H said he never wants to lose the house and wants us to keep living here. H wants his dog to stay here too for guarding us. I told him I can't take a good care of the dog by myself with work and kids, but he said "I'll come around" (what does that mean??)
H admitted he had been careless about spending especially for the first month or so when he started coming home late, but he wants to be more responsible now. He mentioned that he will try to stay more at home during the week so that he won't make me late and spend less money. (which I have mixed feeling about, since he announced clearly he doesn't want to be here...)

I'm kind of glad to know that he still cares about our well-being financially and is willing to find a job to support extra expenses (I still have to see his actions though)

About the kids, H asked me if I will prevent him from seeing them if he leaves, so said I won't do that as long as he wants to and be comfortable taking care of them because he is the dad and kids love him.

H gave me a good hug and kissed my hand saying sorry.

If H doesn't live up to his promise on the financial responsibility, I will go consult with L, also him being on time I will seek help with in-laws. (H asked me if I talked to his sister about current situation, I said no because it's your family and if you would like you should talk to her. H said his in-laws are My family too, they will always be)

Overall I think I did the best I can in the situation. I think he might have thought I was out too before the conv. I made it clear that's not it and I have not been ignoring him but giving him a space, regardless, I will respect his decision.

I talked to DB coach too and he advised me to continue to go out, do whatever stuff, make him wonder (even if he seems like he is ok with it or even encouraging) He said I can be a little more engaging at home like greeting if he thinks I have been ignoring him.....

[Sotto]

Hi Anna, it sounds as though that talk went as well as it could have done. And I agree that you should stick with your DB coach and follow their advice.

It sounds as though your H's plans are a little half baked. He wants to do stuff that he can't really afford to do. He's looking for extra work will find a cheap place etc. He may end up living somewhere pretty cr@ppy, or may move in with OW (can't recall her circs...) So I would prepare yourself for that.

You may want to come to an agreement about the kids and OW if you can. Though ultimately he may make his own choices about this. Don't set too much store about things being poor with OW. The R with my H and OW seems to have been rocky from the outset - on - off - on etc. But she's still on the scene somewhere 18 months later....

About finances - again, I would agree a clear plan and be vigilant about monitoring things. WAS's often say they want to be fair, but in practice don't honour this. I know it may feel hard to take the L step, but my advice would be to have the free consults and engage your L, so you are ready to instruct them if needed. I was so reluctant to take that step, but I have never regretted it.

You're doing really well. You don't get through this sitch without engaging with some brutal reality and I think you are doing that. But also remain faith that ultimately your life will become happier again - either with your H in it, or not. Have you read about the Stockdale Paradox? Many DBers have found the duality within it helpful...

Take care xx

[Anna25]

Hi Sotto,

You are right, H's plan is totally half baked. I don't think he really crunched numbers to see how much it takes to do what he wants to do. OW seems to share a room with somebody else, so H staying there is not an option right now. But of course, they could get a new place together I guess.

I really don't beliebe OW situation as H said, especially because they work together and have many mutual friends/coworkers...

As you said, I think I'm still too reluctant to take the next step. I know I have to protect my kids, it's just the next step seems too real and scary. But I made promise to myself that I will set the time frame to see how he is going to be, if nothing changes or gets worse, I will go forward.

As for GALing, I went to my first Spanish class last night and it was fun! I wish I could have done it before. This is something I would never have done thogh, if this hadn't happened. (Using time for just myself when H is home and going to unfamilier places on my own etc)

Thanks for the recommendation, I will look it up rigt now

[Painter]

Anna, I wouldn't wait to see an attorney. If you wait, you will be left to reacting to anything H does. In order to protect yourself and the children - as you know he is not completely rational right now - you need to be ahead and not run behind. Seeing an attorney is not a commitment, it is just a way to find out what your potential avenues are, going forward. I am worried that you may regret not having informed yourself of your rights and options.

My H kept saying he wanted to be fair, that he was looking out for me, while he hired an attorney behind my back and tried to block my entry to our marital home. He also thought that I should just go live with my son without any financial support from him, in another state, and start rebuild my life from scratch. I stayed home for many years taking care of his children and his mother, so I don't have a retirement or any experience from the job market in recent years. When I talked to an attorney, I got information that was very, very different from what H thought was "fair". It was very empowering, and made me feel a lot better about my situation. It took away a lot of fear and uncertainty I had felt. I also believe that it made H reconsider his decisions and snapped him out of the fog.

[Painter]

I would recommend seeing a female attorney who specializes in divorce. Different attorneys give different advice, and I have seen male attorneys who were very negative when it came to my rights and prospects because they had personal views against divorce.