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#2604467 09/05/15 07:23 PM
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Anna25 Offline OP
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My first thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2597121#Post2597121

Hi Sotto,

I think I blew it about tonight's dinner.
I had to call our cable company this morning. Since it's under H's name, they wanted to talk to him, so I handed him my phone. Before I realized and went into the room, I think H was snooping on my phone...he probably saw the text exchange with my gay friend. Big mistake....oh well but I'm not really used to hiding things from H. I have to learn from this mistake.....

H actually was still trying to make advance in the morning. I was very frustrated by his lack of respect for me, I reacted saying " why don't you ask that girl" I know it was the bad way to respond.....ahhhhh. And what H said? " I don't do that with her. I don't have sex with her" I feel so disrespected.......

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Good Job!!! Be confident, Be independent, Be mysterious, and GAL, GAL, GAL! It does work.

If H wants to act married with you he knows what he as to do (ie. send a NC letter to OW and abide by your other boundaries). And actually act like a H that wants to be married to YOU. Anything less makes him a babysitter.

You didn't blow it about dinner. He will still be concerned what you are doing. New perfume and clothes will make him wonder.

Last edited by mvgfwd2; 09/05/15 08:14 PM.

Me:49 W:45
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EA confirmed and ended 8/2014
S:19,17 D:9,5
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Hi Anna, I wouldn't beat yourself up about that. You're going to dinner with a friend...H can make of that what he will. If he snooped on your phone, thats up to him.

As for making advances in the morning. I understand you feeling disrespected. And I think this is where drawing the boundary is so important. Yes, your H may not be having S with OW (but of course we know that all cheaters lie). However, he is not being a good H just now. As Mvg has said. He is the babysitter. Would you ML with the babysitter?

What I wouldn't do is make anything about OW. But, I think it is fair to say to him. H - given the state of our M just now, I just don't feel like ML to you. And I would leave it at that.

Don't feel bad about it. Don't worry about it. The fact is, if your H were invested in you and in your M, you would enjoy ML to him. But he isn't just now. His attention is diverted with yukky OW...and so why would you want to ML to him on those terms? This part is about you and your own comfort/needs - not him...

Hope you are having a good weekend. xx

Last edited by Sotto; 09/05/15 10:06 PM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Anna25 Offline OP
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So Saturday night dinner was fun. I had a great time and actually really laughed. My friend was happy that I came out because I always tend to hold back, putting H and kids' schedule first. I'm glad I did too.

Yesterday myself and H were both off. We took the kids to their class together but no conv. between us. After that, H stayed home all day, but mostly sleeping in another room and no meals together or no interactions, not really even with kids. I didn't know why he bothered to be there then.

This morning H was late again to come home for me to go to work. I talked to him about this a few times before and he insisted he wouldn't be late again, but of course this is one of his empty promises. I think his issues with alcohol & Depression are getting worse (thus he can't wake up on time)

The problem is that I can't afford to hire a all day sitter/daycare for two right now. I don't have my family here whom I can ask to watch the kids. My in-laws don't know anything about what's going on...
I'm getting worried about finances, but if I separate finances I can't afford to pay mortgage by myself. H's work seems slower too and he can't afford two separate living expenses either. I feel very stuck...

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What are your options? You can't let H damage your job. If you had to could you afford an apartment and a babysitter with the kids? You may need to get the in-laws to babysit. [censored] but H is putting you in a tough spot and you will need to take action to deal with it. H knows he can't be late yet does it anyway, unreliable. No point talking to him again, just do something on your own. If the in-laws ask why they need to babysit just tell them to talk with H about it.


Me:49 W:45
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EA confirmed and ended 8/2014
S:19,17 D:9,5
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Anna25 Offline OP
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My options are limited.
I could ask H to sleep at home, but I don't know how it sounds?? Or I could ask in-laws, but I'm not sure if the exposure at this point will be helpful or not (because I can see in-laws getting mad and trying to reason/preach him)
Last night he came in earlier. (I laugh at myself saying that H coming home at 2:30am is early) ...and slept the rest of the night on the couch.
I guess I could afford an apartment, but that is the last thing I want to do with kids. I really want to maintain their "normal" as much as possible.
My D3 is starting to feel something is wrong (like we never do things as a whole family anymore) She is more clingy to me and having a separation anxiety at times...

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Journaling.

Nothing much is happening with H. He has been avoiding me and hasn't said anything really.

For myself, I have been working out and enjoying cooking. Looking forward to BBQ invite tomorrow and beach time on the weekend with other moms & kids.

I feel like I am getting better at avoiding to think about the situation, which I'm not sure if it's good or bad. Of course it is on my mind all the time, but I'm trying not to think what H is up to etc because it just drives me nuts.
I am acting as if I'm doing fine and minding my own business, but I wonder if "want M/H back" energy is oozing out of my body for H to see...

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Hi Anna, all of that sounds fine to me. All of the things you are doing, whilst not easy, are heading you in a good direction. That of making new friends, learning new skills, enjoying better health and so on.

As for your feelings about H - it's good that you are learning the skill of diverting your thoughts from the sitch. You realise it drives you nuts (of course it does frown ) but you are employing strategies to manage that.

As you say, there may be some 'needy' energy evident at times. But less than there was I'll bet and you are doing your best to fake it until you make it. I think you are doing well. I don't think I was doing half so well at your stage in the process, so good for you.

More of the same please Anna smile


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Aug 2015
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Anna25 Offline OP
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Thanks Sotto, as always...

I was doing ok until just now. H told me he had to work tonight unexpectedly.
Then Boom! I just saw his Instagram at some restaurant. It's only his picture, but I see there are two glasses on the table.
Wow... I'm really mad right now.
H thinks it's ok now to post their 'date' pictures?
We talked about tight budget and cutting kids' class and he is out having nice dinner?? I'm the only one worried about paying all the bills while H does whatever???
I really want to react right now...I know I need a plan even to confront him about this, but man, this is hard....

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Hi Anna, I'm sorry you saw this. Even though we 'know' there are some lies and our S may not be where they said they are, it is hard to 'see' stuff. It always knocked me for six when that happened.

What I would also say is social media brings much pain to people on the forum. The more you can shut down/not look in that regard, the better.

Hmm, it's a decision to make whether you raise this with him. I guess the boundary issues may be - You're lying. Stop with the lies. It's not appropriate to post pics like this (alongside family ones..)

Also, are you protecting yourself and the kids financially? My H spent '000s visiting AP (who was long haul distance at the time.) Luckily we had that money to spend...but if not.

Don't do anything until you have heard from someone who knows more than me.

Any vets out there able to help Anna???


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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