Time to make changes

[joss]

Had an interesting exchange with H tonight while he was picking up the children to take them to his new place (SILs undecorated house 2 miles away).

Brief back-story: I am self employed, teaching children and adults how to cook and this week my business has gone a little crazy due to me massively expanding my facebook connections. H set up my website a couple of years ago, so he gets informed of any bookings I get (along with me). So tonight he commented on the amount of new bookings I have received this week and asked the reason for them. I told him. (I think he sees me as incompetent and unable to plan/excecute/organise as I have never worked in an office like him). In that moment I felt really proud of myself, that all of my efforts over the past 3 years are finally paying off. And this is since I have been on my own, having headspace to make things happen. Who'da thought it??? H noticed my confidence when talking about my work and I thope he is beginning to realise that I can achieve success (on my terms) without his constant help and advice. I feel like I've finally come into my own a little bit. Yay me...

Additionally, we got to discussing the children and it became apparent that I had begun to discipline the kids and their behaviour a lot more since he's been gone. We have both know that their behaviour has been a little out of control and have tried (and failed many times) to control it, but with 2 parents, it is difficult. So I have been doing it alone, and it is working. The other day the kids were really nasty to each other and I gave them a warning and told them they'd lose their time on the playstation if they continued (usually I just shout at them, which changes nothing ). They continued fighting, and so lost their playstation rights. When H arrived tonight he asked me to pack the playstation to take to his new place and I said no, they have lost that right until tomorrow. He was taken aback and asked where this new-found stance had come from. I just commented off hand that it was much easier to discipline the children with only one parent in the house and I;d appreciate it if he stuck to those rules. That felt good. Kinda like what I imagine feeling in control may feel like, if I can remember that far back.......

Discipline has been lacking in our house since his affair started 5 years ago.We have both been in our own heads andletting the children get away with things they shouldn't. This has had a detrimental effect on many areas of our lives, but most noticibly at dinnertimes. S14 is slightly autistic and he sees mealtimes only as a re-fueling exercise. He literally pushes food down his throat and is finished before we have even sat down to eat. Quite disgusting actually. This has caused us a lot of stress over the past couple of years, to the point that we don't want to sit and eat together as a family. (In fact H described me and the kids as his car crash family to his mother a couple of months ago!!!) Charming....

Well tonight,the children and I had a great chat over dinner. (I let S14 shovel his food down - remembering to control only what was mine to control).They were adorable, and really fun to be with. They chatted together and made references to their shared high school experience (usially they just fight and bitch with one another). Of course the homour was very base (groan...) but we all had fun, with lots of hilarity.

D15 mentioned what fun we had had at dinner and gave H an in depth run down of the happenings. When H was leaving with the children he turned to me and commented:

it seems that everyone is getting on fine without me He seemed really upset and became distant. I said nothing and proceeded to get the kids organised for their evening with their father.....

All in all, H was made aware that life most definately goes on without him. I showed a confident side of me that hasn't been out for a while and this felt good.

[uRworthy]

It's amazing what we see when we let the fog clear and start focusing on ourselves and our children, isn't it?

I don't really care what your h may be becoming aware of. What matters to me is what you are.

So, good on you about your business taking off, getting the children reined in some and most of all..feeling good about yourself.

Keep going, sweetie.

[joss]

Thanks for your suport uRworthy. Much needed at this time.
x

[joss]

H has just come by to pick up the kids to take them out for the day. I find myself unable to look at him. I have seen too much of what he does in his 'secret' life that I just can't bring myself to look at him.

Does anyone know if this is likely to last? I don't want to be like that.

[ATPeace]

Hi joss

Just saw your post on huddy's thread and read what you said about not staying in the house and that you did this for over 4 years ...I am in a similar position to Him and I am currently staying in the same house but this is mostly because I am weak and cannot bring myself to sell going to read your sitch

Take care

Ghost

[joss]

HI Ghost56. Yes, I stayed in the same house as H for 4.5 years. It took my that long to feel strong enough to ask him to leave and now I know I should have done it in the beginning. However, I was a much weaker person then - much more dependant than I am now. I don't ask H for ANYTHING anymore. If the computer is broken I go to a shop or ask someone else. I DON'T GO TO HIM. I feel a lot more empowered and in control of myself and my emotions because I don't have the constant reminder of what he has done to this family. I actually feel very sorry for him for all that he's lost; everything that he held dear to him has been taken away from him. But I know that he has taken each and every step to get to the sh!t he's in now. Still, he has the OWs support (haha) for what that's worth!!!

I saw him last night as he babysat the kids while I worked. I came home, said hi and went to do the washing up in the kitchen. I feel he is a complete stranger to me. I:m not sure if that's just what complet e detatchment is, or if I actually don't like him anymore.Whatever it is, I feel much more like the me that I used to know.

I hope you manage to reach this stage. It takes a whole lot of time, and at he end of the day, if one changes nothing, nothing will change!

You'll know when you are at the point of wanting to be free. It was incredibly clear to me. And I have never wavered in that decision.

take care of you. Will catch up on your sitch.x

Joss

[joss]

just read your first thread Ghost56 and it is EXACTLY my sitch.this is uncany:

My name is Gary and 3 weeks ago my wife of 17 years and partner of 25 years has told me that she wants to separate

She has told me that for so long she has been feeling so lonely and that I have not been there for her when she needed me

3 years ago we were at the point of separation over the same issues and managed to get back together

Over the years my wife has tried to talk to me but I never really listened and now I feel that it is too late.

I love her with all my heart and cannot imagine not being with her..... My wife feels much resentment towards me

Will read the rest later as late for work....

[joss]

A few rambling updates; it's now been 5 weeks since I;ve been on my own with the kids and I must say, it's been really nice. I've started doing all kinds of GAL things that I used to enjoy years ago: meditation classes, wine tasting, lots of movies and am planning a trip to India for 3 weeks over Xmas alone.... I can't wait. I really feel the need to be by myself now: I've never been alone in all my life and now realise how crazy that is. I've never had the chance to grow into myself and be the person I'm meant to be.

Another positive: my business has been going really well these past couple of weeks and H is certainly noticing. (He gets notified of all my bookings as he built the website for me). It' s great that this has happened since I left H. Being alone has really focussed me and instead of getting views/opinions/advice from him concerning all aspects of my business, I now just do it to my specifications and it;s working!!!

I don't see much of H when he comes over to see the kids 3 times a week. I leave him to it with the kids. I say hi and answer a couple of his questions (mostly about my business) and I'm always upbeat (it's amazing what a bit of seperation and headspace does!) then I go and watch a film, do more work or read in my bedroom. It 's nice how we both keep away from each other . I ask him to babysit for me so I can go out and do things, but I don't tell him where I:m going and he doesn't ask.

MIL has told me H hasn't told any of his siblings we've seperated yet. Not sure why this is. Does anyone know if this is normal in MLC?

joss x

[job]

joss,

You are a new poster, so I'm going to share something with you...we aren't allowed to post links to other forums. Your posting will most likely be censored in the very near future and that link will be removed.

We are fortunate to have this forum and yes, it's a free site for us to post to, but this also is a lead in to Michele's business of coaching, speeches, books, cds, etc.

Links to rules of this Board:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=boardrules&v=1

[joss]

Sorry job. Message understood.x