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AJM Offline
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Quote:
What do I do now. They will be so hungry for $ .
I won't help her. No way.
When am I going to wake up from the nightmare
I know it's not pretty to think about, but be absolutely sure she has no way to get money from you. i.e. no life insurance policies that are payable to her, the house doesn't go to her, etc. i.e. take away any reason a desperate, unhinged person would want to harm you to get money. Get what I'm saying?


AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Irish M Offline OP
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I hear you loud and clear. Will make those changes tomorrow morning.
I'll let her know of the changes made so it's clear.

Don't think it would come to that.... But you never know what they could do in their state of mind. Or be manipuled by the OM.


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 726
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Irish M Offline OP
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W texted yesterday saying she is having an awesome day, excited to play golf at a sponsored event with work. I guess she gas her happy mask on today.

D's got a text " miss you girls, love you. Mommy is here for you."
My oldest replied to her.. Stop texting us.

Funny how W always texts the girls when we go to mediation and I mention to her that she never texts the girls. Since I will get custody, she realizes that she has to pay me. Since it's all about $$ she is trying to get them back.

I'll see if it's sincere her attempt. Maybe she does miss them . But it's funny that she texts them after getting one from me asking for my girls rings and the child support payments ( 2 months) to be mailed to me.


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 726
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Irish M Offline OP
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Ok I might of made a mistake. D's were upset about all of a sudden receiving texts from W.

W texts them when they are in class. Upsets them and interrupts their day.

I decide to call W. I ask her to respect the D's when they ask her to stop texting.
W says email me saying that if she stops texting this has no implications to her by neglecting the D's.

Wow . I figured she'd say she won't stop , loves the girls, will do anything to have them back in her life. But no. She sees it as a case against her for bad parenting.

I also added on the message when the girls are ready, they will reach out to her.
I will update her on any important issues about he D's

She replied thanks , she loves then so so much and misses them. Etc
Also cc'd the mediator .

Guess she wants to look good.

This was all probably a mistake on my side


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
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AJM Offline
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A mistake? Not sure about that.

But you would be wise to not have contact where you can. Next time, instead of calling W, block the number from kids phones.

You can see the manipulation (to be fair, at least as you report it) that is happening, right?

If you're right, and it's all about money, then no contact for any reason is far better. Especially until mediation is over and the dust settles. You'll see what she's really all about at that time.

So let's see if a recap helps:
Her mom cut her off. She is running as fast as she can. She lost custody of her kids. She is broke as heck. She's going through a divorce. Her kids don't want to talk to her.

Seems a recipe for disaster and will do what she can to try and regain control of anything she can.

Distance and no contact. Block numbers, email, etc. No more contact - that's a lot less stress for you because you are obviously worried about making a "mistake" of some sort.

You will need to get to the point where you no longer care what she says, thinks or does. But that's not until after the mediation and paperwork settle. I get that. Too much at stake for the kids.

What's on the agenda for today?

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Irish M Offline OP
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Hi AJ
Always good to hear from you.

Manipulation yes, I see it more and more. Especially about $
Tugging at my soft spot for her. Telling me about all her debts and parent issues.
I will in no way support her and her new lifestyle, I have already told her this twice.

Hopping she takes this added stress out on the OM.

Last night I went to the local pub. Me and W use to go there a lot.
I know the owner, when I walked in he saw me but did not acknowledge me like he use to. Couldn't even look at me.

I've met a few people like this since all this has started . Some told me after that W portrayed me as a bad person and her as a victim. They saw right through her mask.
I don't really care about some of these people judging me because they don't really know me.

I still had a great time out.

Today I'm shoppong with D-15. Need a few things around the house that W took when she moved out.

W hasn't slept in her Appartment since she moved out. After week 1 she met OM and I guess she would rather be at his place than be alone. She had told me recently she can't stay alone as she has too much going on in her head.

I found the meaning of her new tattoo. NEVERMORE by Edgar Allen Poe

he assumes the bird might be able to answer some of his cosmological questions. But it keeps answering 'nevermore' - i.e. you'll never stop being depressed, never see Lenore again, never get on with your life

She is gone to a very dark place. Made me think of a post on her FaceBook page2 months ago " I hate it when the voices in my head go silent, you never know what those FCKr's are planning"

With messages like that and the tattoo ... She is struggling. Maybe a cry for help ... Or just crazy.

Last edited by Irish M; 09/05/15 03:40 PM.

M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 726
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Met up with someone I haven't seen in years. He's was shocked to hear my story and how fast it progressed.

He's compairing it to his own.

His W dropped the bomb on him over 2 years ago.
My W dropped the bomb on me 3 months ago.

We compared notes. Where his W is now is exactly where my W is.
His did similar things but at a turtles pace and not as extreme. Mine is zipping through this and with all the crap she's created... Will be out of money if not already. MIL cut her off , she owes several people money, creditors are about to call her.
His just lost her job but has a huge reserve in the bank to continue her lifestyle.

Both don't see their kids at all by choice of the kids since they are of age to decide for themselves. Teens between 13 and 17

Both W are with OM

Mine is more on the dark side with her new tattoo and choice of earings.
His dresses more like a street worker.

Why is it that one is going through this so fast?

Is it because I agreed for my W to leave so fast. And I went NC.
His W stayed in the house and cheated while she lived with him for over a year .
Talked everyday and she abused him financially and to be the babysitter while she went out and played.

Does this stretch out the process?
Makes her eat cake too. Mine had not a crumb.

My D's stayed away from their mom when they realized she was not the same person. She was narcissistic in her behaviour and had less than 0 patience for them. Also W scared the hell out of them. So 2 months she has no kids.
His kids it took a year to realize this.

I know there is no exact timeline to follow and each case is different.

Maybe my W has another issue for her madness. Maybe it's not MLC
The outrageous things she's done and said.. I don't see that in many posts.
Sure there are similarities but not to the extreme of my W.


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
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job Offline
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Irish,
It's okay to talk to others and do the comparison...but each individual is unique, their childhoods are unique and their coping skills are unique to them. Some move along very quickly and others don't. Each situation can be similar and yet different.

I suspect that your wife has been quietly in crisis long before she dropped the bomb, i.e., 18-24 months to my way of thinking. She was gradually entering her journey and you didn't notice some of the changes taking place. Many of us didn't notice the subtle changes until after they flew the coop and started acting out.

Oh, I can tell you this, there are many who have had their spouses act out in the extreme. Mine was the number one extreme case back in the day. Here are just a few of the things he did: shaved his hair off, bought and played with little matchbox cars on the floor (as if he were 4), changed his taste in food and drinks, talked the "hip" language, music taste changed, taste in clothes began to change, took quite a bit of time getting dressed, started chewing wads of bubblegum, hugged the side of the bed (we had a queen size), came home with scratches and bruises and couldn't tell me how he got them, lied about his whereabouts on his days off work, gaslighted me about money and other objects that went missing, got his ear pierced, and the last but not least one that is very famous here is the plastic Easter Egg (worth less than a couple of dollars). He brought two policemen to my home to get the rest of his junk and wanted the plastic Easter Egg is mother gave me. Now this egg was going to go in the trash unless I took it.

So, yes, there are some that really do go to the extreme during the crisis. They have to go back in time to the place where they were emotionally stunted and face those things that stunted them. They then grow up from there (hopefully). They will experiment and some of their experiments will raise your eye brows. BTW, they do love to spend money and don't care when they bill collectors come knocking.

BTW, your wife is doing the normal things, i.e., tattoos and earrings. Any toe rings? Any additional piercings?

Come, sit on the curb w/the rest of us. We are serving up popcorn and your drink of choice while watching the MLCers parade on by.

I know this is a difficult time for you and your family, but you've got to find a way to keep the focus on you and your family and leave your wife in God's hands. She truly needs to grow up and it will be done on her time and by her own clock (which is far slower than ours).




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I think to add to what Job mentions (and you really should listen to Job; you will now or you will later) while you can compare and know that each is different in their own way, you need to see the forest for the trees. You are not the cause. You didn't start this fire.

Neither can you put it out (can't fix it). That strength in numbers thing? That's here. You can see many here that have "similar" stories.

Quote:
Last night I went to the local pub. Me and W use to go there a lot.
I know the owner, when I walked in he saw me but did not acknowledge me like he use to. Couldn't even look at me.

I've met a few people like this since all this has started . Some told me after that W portrayed me as a bad person and her as a victim. They saw right through her mask.
I don't really care about some of these people judging me because they don't really know me.
You'll find that although almost all of them "know" what's really going on to some degree, many don't know how to handle it. For those that don't know, they'll think you two just split amicably and that's that. For those that can see through it, they likely have "mlc eyes" either having been touched by it in the past or being an alumni.

Most of what I found was that except for two or three of them, nobody bought the bs. That was one reason for the new set of friends and ditching the old set.

The awkward stares and people that don't get it? That's annoying at first. After a while, you see it for what it is - their way of dealing with it.

Even now, 8 years on, I get people that are surprised to hear what really happened. Or they won't look at me if I see them in a store as if I have leprosy and they might catch it. In the past month, I've had both happen with old friends.

A lot like MLC itself, it's not about me the same as it is not about you. Just like with the weather, you can't control it. You can watch it. You can see it. You can get shelter from it. You can rage at it. Heck, you can even by entertained by it. But you can't change it and you didn't create it or cause it. At best some can marginally influence if they really try hard and are willing to get bludgeoned in the process.

It still does what it does.

If it makes you feel any better, MLCrs remember very little of what they say or do, later. Kind of a self-protecting mechanism I think. I suggest you take that for what it's worth and remember very little of what she says or does during the next few years. Rather, deal with things as you have to, as they come up and otherwise just let them roll to the floor. She will likely, at some phase, try to "punish" you or lash out in some way. Best way to handle that is to not be a target in this case.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 726
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Good morning job

Yes she did have days where I looked at her and questioned her comments or actions.

When I think of it it goes back 3 years. I guess it just needed the magic mix or stress and her fathers cancer diagnosis to set it all off full time.

I am sitting back. Hardest thing now is seeing her ruing her life. The OM is a bum. No money and using W for her cash. Which is gone. Their only hope is if I buy her out of the house. Which I won't just yet and she seems to not duscuss or answer any of the questions I have about that. So it's on hold until she does.

Last contact was about the D's last Friday. The next contact is at the end of this month in mediation.

I am NC...I am GAL. Loving my D's . Working on me.

I've been approached by some women that know my situation and that I'm single.
I get the " she doesn't know what she left" , " such a great guy" , " she'll regret it for sure "

Dating now is not an option. I will go have dinner and movies, or a drive with someone to enjoy life. Romantically envolvement is not an option. I still believe W will crash soon and I will be there for her.


Won't go back with her, but will be there. Help her, rebuild relationship between her and the D's ( but that is her work to do)

If anything is left and we do reconnect , then I won't say no. If I meet someone else who I connect with ... Then W lost me forever.


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
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