Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
#2603547 09/02/15 04:18 AM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
'Cause I got a peaceful easy feeling
And I know you won't let me down
'Cause I'm already standing on the ground

https://youtu.be/WwqHarJnQP8

Do you have a peaceful easy feeling? I do, but it sure took a while to get there. Not that long ago, I still had Ants in My Pants!

My world was rocked over 3 and a half years ago. She wanted out and was triple done! Triple OUCH! cry cry cry

I initially dropped into depression and floundered as well as the next LBS. Couldn't even listen to music! Forced myself to GAL of my own, even when that was the last thing I wanted to do. Faked it (PMA) 'til I made it. Last but not least, gave her space. It wasn't easy, and I was often in pain.

Shortly after BD I heard: "All I can think about every day is running away" and "if I feel this way a year from now I'll just go nuts!".

I worked on being the husband only a fool would leave. Divorce and move out dates given by her passed by without fanfare or movement towards separation. I never gave up, never stopped trying. I knew that what we had was great and could be better. Most of all, I knew she was worth it. smile

Around the beginning of my last thread The Five Balls, a little over a year ago, I came to a new and higher level of peace. Per Michelle's advice in SSM, I made the choice that because my wife is a good person, and the remainder of our M is good/great, I could accept the fact that our physical relationship may never change... instead of remaining miserable over it.

Little by little, a comfort started to take over. First over me, and then, dare I say, over her.

During our anniversary trip(s) a few months back, we took some baby (yet huge!) steps in the physical relationship area. I'm ecstatic! ...And a little concerned that this may be as good as it's going to get. ...I need to let go of that, and continue to accept and work with what is. It's the only way forward.

If we are floundering and miserable, it hurts and makes our life a struggle. It is also highly unlikely to attract our spouse back to us! This is why the personal GAL and PMA is so important.

Do something nice for yourself today. For the people close to you. For those not so close. For strangers! Make the world a little better place every day. You'll be glad you did!


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
I’d like to give thanks to Michele, and all the wonderful folks who make this board the life saver/changer that it is.

A special thank you goes out to Jack, URworthy, Job, T2 and the many other vets who graciously share their time and wisdom, helping others navigate the most difficult time in their lives. You all are truly special people, and I want you to know just how appreciated your support and guidance is! smile

Last edited by ForeverYoung; 09/02/15 03:47 PM.

M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
FY, beautiful posts!
Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
I initially dropped into depression and floundered as well as the next LBS. Couldn't even listen to music! Forced myself to GAL of my own, even when that was the last thing I wanted to do. Faked it (PMA) 'til I made it. Last but not least, gave her space. It wasn't easy, and I was often in pain.
After reading your recent posts, it is hard to believe that you were in this place that most of us, LBSs, are at the beginning of our journeys.

You’ve come a long way, FY. You are an amazing person. Like I already mentioned in one of my previous posts, your W is going to wake up one day and realize what she could have lost (I hope used the right grammar here, LOL.)

Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
During our anniversary trip(s) a few months back, we took some baby (yet huge!) steps in the physical relationship area. I'm ecstatic! ...And a little concerned that this may be as good as it's going to get. ...I need to let go of that, and continue to accept and work with what is. It's the only way forward.
I have so much hope for you. I admire your dedication to your W and your M, even if the things don’t go the way you wish they would go.

Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
If we are floundering and miserable, it hurts and makes our life a struggle. It is also highly unlikely to attract our spouse back to us! This is why the personal GAL and PMA is so important.
I need to remember this every time I feel down.

FY, you are truly an inspiration. Thanks for stopping by my thread. Take care.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
FY,
You are truly an inspiration to others. I hope that the posters who read this thread will come to understand that it takes time and patience to get to the other side and when the chips are down, to dig deeper for more patience. Walking the path of MLC is not a sprint, but a marathon that will surely try your patience and make you question why you are still walking the path.

You are truly a success story because no matter what happened, you picked yourself up and continued moving forward.

Well done my friend!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
Hi all, I figured I was due for an update.

Things are still going well over here, not perfect of course, but I’m quite satisfied with where we are.

We don’t discuss the marriage… I figure actions speak louder than words, and all actions point to full commitment on both ends. Since we’re both “in”, it’s up to us to work things out to our satisfaction, and I think we are both doing that as we continue to share our lives together. Talking, sharing household duties and family stuff, going places and doing nice things for each other. The comfort level between us continues to build. Like Martha likes to say, It's a good thing! smile

I’ve been enjoying my hobbies and exercise activities, and doing projects around the house. My wife is a part of the latter, and we make a great team. She also has been steady with her workouts, and staying in good physical shape. I won’t lie, the fact that I still find her incredibly beautiful has helped me a lot!

I still occasionally hear my wife singing variations of her “I hate me/everyone/everything” song when she is in the other room. I found it best to ignore this and allow her to deal with her stuff in her own way. Early on, I would comment and end up trying to convince her things really aren’t that bad… That never worked. I think it’s better to let her process happen on her own terms, in its own time, vs. trying to speed things along with talks or pushing to work on or “fix” things. I tried too hard in the beginning... now I accept. Who would have known it works better this way? laugh

My wife also still stresses over her job at times. Our finances are in excellent shape, yet she sometimes stresses over that too!

I do still hear an occasional hurtful comment. I know it’s not intended to hurt me, it’s just how she feels at the moment, and I can accept that.

I just continue being me. Long gone is the tension of the early days of crisis. There was no flipped switch, it just slowly melted away. It’s hard to believe it’s been almost 4 years! Gosh this stuff takes a long time to get through! I have a lot of hope for our future… now even more than ever.

Oh, and the physical intimacy that took a big jump forward back in June has been steady. Still modest, but it’s very special to me. I’m so glad I found a way to hold on until things got better. DB and many of you here are a big reason for that. Thank you all.

I can tell you first hand that it’s true what the vets tell us: It’s mostly not about us or the marriage, it’s about their personal issues. As such we can’t fix things. The best thing we can do is NOT take anything personal, and figure out how to live an enjoyable and satisfying life while they Shake and Bake. (and I helped!) hahaha

Bust On my friends! cool


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
Here's a fun game I did at my family's holiday get together twice now. Both adults and kids can play. Need at least 6 people. More is better.

Bring some paper and drawing/coloring implements. One at a time through the night, people go into a private room and draw a holiday picture as instructed. On Christmas we did x-mas trees, on Thanksgiving we did turkeys.

The finished drawing get placed into a box or envelope face down, so no one can see them.

Once everyone has had a chance to make a drawing, the leader takes them out, mixes them up and numbers them. They are then spread out on a table. Everyone gets another paper and numbers it. They have to write down the name of the person who they think drew each picture!

The winner is the person who gets the most correct.

On Thanksgiving we had 15 people. I was quite surprised when my sister and sister in law both got 9 correct! Very perceptive of them. I only got 3. blush Pretty bad considering one was mine.

It was a compete riot. Lots of shouting and laughing! We will do again.

Happy Holiday's, all!

Last edited by ForeverYoung; 12/15/15 04:11 AM.

M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Happy holidays to you and your family.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
Hey FY, just re-read your post from last month. I’m glad you are enjoying your life and that your W is part of it. Like I said before, you are an inspiration tor me. I’m happy to “hear” that you both have the commitment to make things work. I can relate to your W’s “hurtful” comments… I do… I think… NO… I know that I was like that before… I can see now how damaging it was to my M. I brought it from my childhood and my upbringing. My Mom was always (as far as I remember) negative. It took a big shock of DB for me to start really working on myself to overcome the habit of throwing negative comments. It is not that I felt like it inside, it was just the only way I knew how to communicate. I am very different person now.

I hope your W does overcome whatever it is she needs to overcome. I hope that one day she will realize what a great man she has by her side.

Your holiday game sounds like a lot of fun. I’m glad you had all your family with you on the Thanksgiving. I hope that the rest of the holidays will be as much fun! Keep on keeping on!


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
F
Member
OP Offline
Member
F
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
Thank you for the well wishes Job and Bright. I hope you both have a wonderful new year!

Christmas with both of our families was very nice. My wife and I cooked several dishes together to bring to the parties… it was wonderful to be working together in the kitchen on a big project.

We both received some thoughtful Christmas gifts from the other. New year’s eve was a quiet night together at home. This was one of the rare years I didn’t have to wake my wife up at midnight!

I recently read the book "The Introvert Advantage". My wife and I both lean towards the introvert end of the scale, so it was an interesting read for me. I learned many things about myself, my wife, and our society in general. Did you know that extroverts outnumber introverts by 3 to 1? The bias of our culture can leave some introverts feeling uncomfortable in their own skin, or worse, like there is something wrong with them. The chapter regarding relationships rang so true to our "Innie-Innie" relationship.

If you or someone you love falls into this 25% minority, I highly recommend checking out this book. Especially if you’ve often felt like the odd duck, or like you didn’t quite “fit in” with the majority of extroverts. My wife is reading the book now.

Getting through something like we have over the last 4 years wasn’t easy, but I feel we both have gained so much for it. The comfort and closeness continues to build between us. It truly seems that things can only continue to get better as we move forward. A Mature Love! Gosh, I love my girl. smile


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
I so love your "She's still worth it."

Have wanted to say that to you for a while. It's beautiful. xoxoxo HNY


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Page 1 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard