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Missmeg Offline OP
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Back and forth texting with my WAS last night. One of his texts was :

"I've wondered if there was a way to work things out the past week or two, but I've been embarrassed to ask"

I got so happy and hopeful when I read this 😅 but when I spoke to my IC this morning she pulled me back. Told me I'd better find out what HE means by "work things out". That I understood it to mean work on the marriage and move back home, but with his mind in La-La Land these last several weeks, he might mean "can we work out an arrangement in which I can date you and other women, too" or something else that isn't in synch with my understanding of "work things out"

Sometimes I love my IC and hate her at the same time!…but she is right. She suggested I get him to define what "work things out" means to him, what it looks like to him and what he would be willing to do to "work things out". Then, IF it jibes with my view, lay out my boundaries about what I would need in order to resume the marriage.


M: 48
H: 44
M: 2 / T: 7
My kids: S22, S18, S17, D12
H no kids of his own
BD: 7/12/2015 / moved out same day
Piecing 9/6/2015
Moved back in 10/2015
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,121
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Hello Missmeg,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

Getting clarification regarding what "work things out" means is key. How are you going to do that without putting more distance between the two of you?

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.



Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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I'm very curious to hear what you found out from WAH! Did his def. of "work things out" match yours? I'm with your C on this... we HAVE to make sure our communications are clear or it can destroy progress!

I'm also wondering what boundaries you will put in place if your definitions match.

Keep your hopes in check & try -as we all are- to be patient in this! (We must develop the patience of a saint!) Hang in there!


Me:46 H:42
T:7 M:5
MD(H SD):24
MS(H SS):19
MS(H SS):13
Separated on & off most of '15
WAH last left 8/15
WAH changed locks & Bank account of joint business 8/15
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 29
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Missmeg Offline OP
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Actually, our definitions of "working it out" were pretty much the same. We spent a lot of time together this weekend, and discussed what we were doing and where he wanted to be. He "doesn't know" Of course. But he did acknowledge that he still enjoys being with me and is still hopeful that there might be a way we can work things out. We agreed to the following: each of us will get individual therapy/counseling. We will resume marriage counseling, although he would like to switch the therapist because he felt our previous one was badgering him. We will both wear our wedding rings. We obviously will not date anyone else, and will observe strict boundaries when dealing with friends of the opposite sex so that we don't cause each other any jealousy or feelings of disrespect. We will both consider ourselves 100% percent "in" the marriage and sincerely try to find solutions to our problems. He wants us to each draft up and write out our vision for how we would like our living arrangements/family/marriage/household to be. How we would like things to be, what things we feel we could negotiate on, and what things we feel are nonnegotiable. And then to go over those with a professional to see if we can come to common ground.

So that's all very positive.Monday we walked around the mall arm-in-arm and were very lovey-dovey and I started to think he'll be moving back home soon.

But today he was cool and distant and didn't offer to stop by or see me. Luckily because of this site, I realized I need to back off, continue my GAL, don't do anything that looks like pursuing, and be patient. How I hate that word!

I have some doubts about how promptly he will follow up on the agreement to get himself into individual counseling. I have some big doubts about the boundaries with women. He has a female roommate now. I have told him it is unacceptable to me and I hate it. I am 100% sure that there is nothing sexual nor romantic between them. Yet. But that's a very dangerous situation, it is a slippery slope. I don't care that they are not interested in each other, and that she is dating someone else. It's just no good. It makes me very very nervous. Things could change at any point 😣

We also put a timeline on this. Three months of honestly trying to make it work. Then we will reassess and see if we believe we're making progress or not.

So the journey continues, and I pretty well hate it. The emotional highs and lows are crazy making. Trying to sustain hope, but not too much of it, is also crazy making.


M: 48
H: 44
M: 2 / T: 7
My kids: S22, S18, S17, D12
H no kids of his own
BD: 7/12/2015 / moved out same day
Piecing 9/6/2015
Moved back in 10/2015
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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Originally Posted By: Missmeg


I have some doubts about how promptly he will follow up on the agreement to get himself into individual counseling. I have some big doubts about the boundaries with women. He has a female roommate now. I have told him it is unacceptable to me and I hate it. I am 100% sure that there is nothing sexual nor romantic between them. Yet. But that's a very dangerous situation, it is a slippery slope. I don't care that they are not interested in each other, and that she is dating someone else. It's just no good. It makes me very very nervous.



Then you should absolutely insist on this. Maybe the new MC can help you with stressing how imperative this is? If your husband thinks THIS is the type of thing that constitutes "badgering," I'd say that's a big red flag. This is either a basic core boundary with you or it's not.

I like all of your joint stipulations -- they sound very mature and healthy!


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Originally Posted By: Missmeg


So that's all very positive.Monday we walked around the mall arm-in-arm and were very lovey-dovey and I started to think he'll be moving back home soon.

But today he was cool and distant and didn't offer to stop by or see me. Luckily because of this site, I realized I need to back off, continue my GAL, don't do anything that looks like pursuing, and be patient.




Yes, this ^^^ is VERY normal for us guys. It's the "rubber band" thing that is explained in "Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus." Very normal in even a very healthy marriage.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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The rubber band theory! That was so interesting for me, I had to look it up! I never knew my H was so flexible as he has been lately. This is really out of character for him, but maybe this has been a factor in my M for years & he just didn't respond to it.

Great bit of info.! Thank you for mentioning it!


Me:46 H:42
T:7 M:5
MD(H SD):24
MS(H SS):19
MS(H SS):13
Separated on & off most of '15
WAH last left 8/15
WAH changed locks & Bank account of joint business 8/15
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 34
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I hate him having a f. roomie as well, for you. Sooo sorry! cry At this point, trust is very delicate as you feel your security is gone. Don't know what to say, except...have faith!

On the other hand, the list is an awesome idea! I'd love to borrow this for my M when we are ready. Those were really, well thought-out points to get through.

Keep working on you & try to quell the fears! (Easier said than done, for sure!)


Me:46 H:42
T:7 M:5
MD(H SD):24
MS(H SS):19
MS(H SS):13
Separated on & off most of '15
WAH last left 8/15
WAH changed locks & Bank account of joint business 8/15
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 29
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Missmeg Offline OP
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Ok -Rubber band theory, I will have to look this up! And also sounds like I might need to read Men are from Mars women are from Venus. It gets mentioned hear a bunch.

So I got an email from our landlady today at work. She wants to stop by and have us re-sign the lease for another year. I totally panicked. Like literally had a panic attack at work. I kept thinking what if he won't re-sign, and they won't rent it to just me because my income alone isnt enough. I did that catastrophic thinking one does when one is in a panic: I projected out that if the lease wasn't signed, and since I don't have enough money for first last and deposit, I would never be able to move anywhere and I'd be homeless,, , ,which isn't a real possibility. I would work something out, and I know that in my rational mind. But in my panic mode, I was envisioning me and the children out on the street corners. Completely unrealistic but I went there in my head. (honestly, before bd, I was a fairly rational and calm person. My emotions and my disaster-thinking have developed a life of their own since he left)

so when I talked to him today, the first thing I did was ask about the lease. Without any hesitation he asked what time we're supposed to meet her to sign it, and that would be no problem. RELIEF 😓

And he said I sounded shaky, did I need to go out for a drink and some dinner? So we met and ate, and once again it was a highly tender, affectionate, romantic night full of honest and meaningful conversation, Yay!

He admitted that last time we went to MC, he was just going through the motions because he wanted to look like the good guy who was doing the right thing. But that now he is "all in" and sincerely wants to do everything he can to make himself better and make our marriage work. Appointment have been scheduled for all of our counseling (mine,his,ours)

He said that if I insisted he move out from the female roommate, he would do it, but he didn't think the options were so great. ( I have been looking at rooms-for-rent on craigslist for our area, and I have to agree that there's nothing. ) Either he would have to get his own place, which would take away from the money he is able to give me every month to meet expenses, or he would have to move in with his mother, who lives over an hour away.

So he's staying in the current living situation with that female roommate. However, he has taken me to her condo where he is renting a room, and I have met her while sitting next to my husband, and this weekend I spent the night at the condo while she was there, so she knows we are rekindling things

Best part about tonight? For the first time in many months he told me "I love you"


M: 48
H: 44
M: 2 / T: 7
My kids: S22, S18, S17, D12
H no kids of his own
BD: 7/12/2015 / moved out same day
Piecing 9/6/2015
Moved back in 10/2015
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 34
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I'm glad to hear things are going so well! Don't forget this when things aren't what you would want. I think we all do the panic thing, at least I do. Learn to breathe through it, and if you have a religious belief...praying through it does so much for me as well. Keep working on your changes and feeling better! grin


Me:46 H:42
T:7 M:5
MD(H SD):24
MS(H SS):19
MS(H SS):13
Separated on & off most of '15
WAH last left 8/15
WAH changed locks & Bank account of joint business 8/15
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