Just wanted to check in on you... I hope you're doing well and in a 'good place' in all of this!
Hang in there!
Me:46 H:42 T:7 M:5 MD(H SD):24 MS(H SS):19 MS(H SS):13 Separated on & off most of '15 WAH last left 8/15 WAH changed locks & Bank account of joint business 8/15
How can things change so quickly?! The last two weekends we were physically and emotionally very close, acting all lovey-dovey, saying all the right things, recommitting to the relationship, agreeing to go to counseling and making this work, etc. Everything seemed really good.
Can't believe things changed so much in six days. He's cold, withdrawn, almost hostile, makes no attempt to contact me at all. So of course I ended up calling him, and we're back in the pursuer/distancer dance. Boo.
At least now I recognize it for what it is, and know to stop it. Know that I have to change the pattern by not pursuing. Back to GAL, detachment, etc. Again.
So sick of this. Don't even know if I want him to move back in anymore. Maybe I should just throw in the towel and file for divorce.
M: 48 H: 44 M: 2 / T: 7 My kids: S22, S18, S17, D12 H no kids of his own BD: 7/12/2015 / moved out same day Piecing 9/6/2015 Moved back in 10/2015
I hear you. It's a roller coaster. It sounds like you have a plan and are able to stay the course.
Just let time go by and don't make any decisions yet. If you decide to file for D, it should ideally be from a place of strength, not hurt and rejection...
This is still very early days for you. Look at how long some of the posters here have been in limbo. You'll get used to it.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Meg, oftentimes when you're in the Piecing stage, "bad = good," mood-wise. It's a withdrawal from those giddy highs of waywardness (chemical highs that actually show up on CAT scans!), into the brutal reality of the tough slog that is marital reconciliation. It's normal, and I'd frankly be more worried if he were suddenly giddy again for no apparent reason, as it may mean contact with OW somewhere.
Yes, you have to keep an eye on it, and call him if he's downright RUDE to you and lovingly assert your boundaries. And hopefully his "rubber band" will snap back towards you soon. But surliness is not in and of itself a warning sign -- it's often just the opposite.
Have you asked him what he's feeling? Will he talk to you about it?
Painter and Starsky thank you for your perspectives!
I guess I need to let this play out; there is no reason to rush to D just because I'm hurt/angry.
I can put this marriage stuff on the back burner this weekend and focus on my kids …one has a game Saturday and another moves out to college Sunday. Down to only one still at home …weird!
But I still don't like how much it hurts. Each day he doesn't call me feels like a new rejection. And I find it SO HARD to stop my thoughts ("it's 6:30. Certainly he's home from work now. He hasn't called or texted. He's obviously not even thinking about me. If he missed me he would've called or texted. I'm not even on his radar screen" etc.)
But I've grown enough through this site to make some better choices. Tonight when I had my poor me thoughts I chose to text a couple of my best girlfriends, and see if any of them were also at loose ends and wanted to get together for some appetizers and a drink. If I can do that, and fill my time up with positive things, that helps me keep my mind off him and stop looking at my phone every 30 seconds.
So I made it through tonight, and the weekend should be easy enough since I'll be busy with kids stuff. At least in the daytime. Nights alone are still tough.
M: 48 H: 44 M: 2 / T: 7 My kids: S22, S18, S17, D12 H no kids of his own BD: 7/12/2015 / moved out same day Piecing 9/6/2015 Moved back in 10/2015
I went to the doctor and got something to sleep on that I take as needed. I also used aromatherapy, and it worked great by itself, so I could save the sleep meds for the really difficult nights. I figured I had enough on my plate, missing out on sleep would just make it so much harder.
I also really enjoyed going to the movies by myself! It takes you away and can put you in such a good mood.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Funny how roles change…after BD, I wanted him back and he was pretty much out. Now that I've been changing, I'm not so eager to have him back. I do want to keep the relationship, I do want to resume the marriage, but on my terms.
I don't know who was more surprised tonight. He came over, and wanted to have a long discussion. He told me that he has never stopped loving me, he wants to resume the marriage, and move back in.
I said no.
I told him I needed to see a change in his attitude and actions, that I had been going to IC for a month now and was creating some boundaries that I have not had before. That I needed him to go to IC as well (per our agreement of a couple of weeks ago)and work on some of his issues, and that we needed some more MC as well. That if he moved back in now without addressing the issues that caused him to move out, nothing has changed and he would just up and leave again at some point in the future.
That I was not going to put myself in a place of being abandoned again, so that if and when he does move back in I have to be fairly certain I can trust him to stay and stand and work on problems as they come up.
M: 48 H: 44 M: 2 / T: 7 My kids: S22, S18, S17, D12 H no kids of his own BD: 7/12/2015 / moved out same day Piecing 9/6/2015 Moved back in 10/2015
Funny how roles change…after BD, I wanted him back and he was pretty much out. Now that I've been changing, I'm not so eager to have him back. I do want to keep the relationship, I do want to resume the marriage, but on my terms.
I don't know who was more surprised tonight. He came over, and wanted to have a long discussion. He told me that he has never stopped loving me, he wants to resume the marriage, and move back in.
I said no.
I told him I needed to see a change in his attitude and actions, that I had been going to IC for a month now and was creating some boundaries that I have not had before. That I needed him to go to IC as well (per our agreement of a couple of weeks ago)and work on some of his issues, and that we needed some more MC as well. That if he moved back in now without addressing the issues that caused him to move out, nothing has changed and he would just up and leave again at some point in the future.
That I was not going to put myself in a place of being abandoned again, so that if and when he does move back in I have to be fairly certain I can trust him to stay and stand and work on problems as they come up.
It sounds like you have a plan and are able to stay the course. 