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jim0987 #2603426 09/01/15 07:22 PM
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Hi Jim. I always know you words are written from the very best place

My goal , like so many others , was for a reconciliation and for my family to be whole again As time goes on I realise that this is t possible so my goal now is to become happy again. i have always been reasonably happy and I don't need more than I have to become happy again.

The GAL thing is not for me at the moment , I wil look into some cooking classes but realistically I'm happy enough spending time with the kids and looking after the house

Goals for life are the norm , security financially Health and happiness. I don't have the first yet but it's on the horizon ,health My new kidney is doing well and that just leaves the happy part

Your words re forgiveness resonate with me. Forgiveness may not be possible but time can heal a lot. It also depends on how I look at what happened On one hand EXW came to me with ILYBNILWU speech but asked for us to remain together OM may or may not be a factor but either way she lied and continues her friendship. I do think rather than forgive it may be easier to accept she was telling the truth re no R with OM but move on accepting that there is no way forward for any R with EXW other than a co parenting one

Your words re EXW hurting herself as much as me really made me think and while it might not be 100% true , she certainly isn't overly happy

Life has taken this turn and whatever happens next will happen. If I've learnt anything from this experience it's that I have no control over anyone other than me and I'm glad for that I was a fixer and leapt in where I proberbly wasn't needed

Thanks for posting Jim Your a very decent man

Take care. Rd

jim0987 #2603454 09/01/15 09:24 PM
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Rd, you know when you read others saying that they hear what is being said to them but they think their sitch is different, they've tried everything nothing seems to work and they have no hope....?

What do you say to them? What does it make you think and how do you try to motivate them?

Take a look in the mirror buddy and take your own medicine, you are allowing the dark side to take over and it's time to look after yourself.

You've helped sooo many others and your advice is great, try some you know it's good stuff because of what you've helped others achieve.

Your friend and ardent supporter Beagley. {{{{man hug}}}}


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Avanti #2603471 09/01/15 10:43 PM
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Heck

I am in for a hug as well

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


jim0987 #2603539 09/02/15 03:25 AM
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RD,

You recently posted on my sitch and I really appreciated your point of view. I truly understand your state of shock and not knowing which way to go after 25y of marriage. I feel the same. I have over 30yrs and wonder often how the ef I got here. I believe my H too is very depressed but unlike your W he will not get help.

One thing I will suggest that has really helped me find my old self is GALing. Both with friends and with my kids. You really just need to schedule something a couple of times a week. Otherwise you get consumed with the house work and you will find that you are not growing and experiencing. I visited Ireland many years ago and it seems that there is a very active social scene with many pubs and singing and dancing. You ought to try it.

You are so lucky to have your kids. I don't know what I would have done this past year without the support and love of my kids.

Time is a healer. And it sounds like you and your W have a good chance of reconciliation with some additional time.

Hang in there and thanks for stopping by my sitch.

Gr8ful


Me: 53
H: 54
M: 31


gr8ful3 #2603718 09/02/15 06:51 PM
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Evening RD.

I'm going to ask another question but as always feel free to ignore, I don't want to push too far.

When EXW gave you the ILYBNILWU speech, how accurately can you remember what she said? Because if I recall she said she wanted you to stay together just with conditions.

I accept what she's done probably has hurt you more than her because after all, much if it was her choice. But I think if you tried to rerun the situation from her perspective with all you now know about depression and MLC etc. I think you would see she never meant to hurt you, she's just lost and confused and afraid.

And even if she's none of that its better to try and view her actions from that perspective.

I guess I just want you to find a way to forgive her regardless of whether and what she has lied about. You don't have to agree with her choices but instead try to understand how she might have come to that point.

For the record, the forgiveness is for you more than anything as its RD that I want to see happy (reconciled with EXW or not). Personally I find even the effort of trying helps me find a little more peace

Right, I'll shut up now before I completly outstay my welcome.

Have a good evening


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
jim0987 #2603728 09/02/15 07:44 PM
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Hi Jim. I just logged on and 'saw your post. I look forward to your post because they make me think but today's one came after a long conversation with EXW I will type it out below but keep in mind it's a rough recap

EXW. Hi. How are you
RD Good You ok
EXW. Ok I saw D14 was very unhappy
Rd. She's ok now just back to school and all that
EXW. Did she say anything
Rd. yep but it's just the usual
EXW. I prefer if you'd tell me because I'm their mum
Rd. ok but I'm mindfull that it might upset you
EXW. Ok
Rd. D14 said you are so much more like your old self that she now misses you more
EXW. I do feel allot more like my old self and I think the anti Ds are working. I think I've been unhappy for the last while and even before I left
Rd I'm glad your feeling like your old self
EXW. ( started to cry ). I didn't leave to upset you and I never want to hurt you I didn't mean for you to end up looking after the kids on your own. I'm really sorry
Rd. you did what you felt you needed to do and I understand.
EXW. I think I am able to handle things better now
Rd. that's great How about we chat about something cheerful now ?
EXW. Ok ( laughing ). But I know your upset over a few things
Rd. only one and let's leave that for another day
EXW. It's only a friend and I think I'm gullible and help people I shouldn't get involved with
Rd. I would t say guilbale but maybe to kind hearted but anyway let's cheer up the convo
EXW. Ok. Kids say your buying a new car , what is it
Rd. a Range Rover. ( EXW loves range rovers )
EXW. Oh. If you get one of the ill have to come home , is that why you buying it ?
Rd. yep , of course it is. ( laughing )
EXW. What colour ?
Rd. there is only one colour , black
EXW. Oh. If you said White I wouldn't come home but black I'll pack my bags ( laughing )
Rd. not so fast you'll be lucky to get a lift. ( laughing )
EXW. I'm glad for you because you deserve it and the kids will love it

We then chafed about her work for 10 mins and she said ,

EXW. I wish I could give the kids some money for the holiday but I can't afford it ( started crying )
Rd. please do t upset yourself
EXW. Your a great dad and the kids are so lucky
Rd I have to get back to work and I'm glad your ok. Nice to chat to you
EXW. I am a bit happier but still don't think about the future much
Rd. it's good your happier
EXW. Yea
Rd I have to ask , did you make the right choice in leaving ?
EXW Some days yes , some days no. I try not to think about it
Rd. ok well I have to go. Take care
EXW. Thanks for chatting with me , it's was nice talking to you

There was more Jim but just general convo. One other point , EXW told me that her boss at work told her she has a bad vibe / energy that's draws bad things to her. I didn't really comment. Also there were two more calls in which EXW asked if she could help kids prepare for Spain , to which I answered of course

I forgot to pack the STFU smoothie today it it's done now and I suppose EXW is telling me she's not coming home anytime soon ( unless she gets a Range Rover !!!)

Jim. I have thought lots about the forgiveness and you are right. I need to just accept what is and let it go. It's tough Jim because sometimes I just want to reach out to her. I am going to make a real effort to move forward and forget the past It's for me and it might make life a lot easier

You will never out stay your welcome and your thoughts on my sitch are most welcome. I sometimes dwell and it's not healthy. Thanks mate.

Take care. Rd

rd500 #2603743 09/02/15 09:28 PM
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Looks like some good validation and not taking following some paths that could have gone awry.

It sounds like your W is really struggling and very confused. It must be extremely hard to have to deal with that on top of raising your kids.

Forgiveness is the universal challenge for all of us, it's so hard, yet so simple.

Keep keeping on Rd, just reading that made me realize I still have work to do.

PP


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
PigPen #2603746 09/02/15 09:53 PM
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Thanks PP. I appreciate you dropping by

Take care. Rd

rd500 #2603754 09/02/15 10:36 PM
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Awesome stuff rd and you are right, black is the only colour for a RR.


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Avanti #2603759 09/02/15 10:56 PM
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I thought that was a Henry Ford saying.

Big big hug

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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