My Reader's Digest Version

[SParker]

Thanks for responding!

Yes, he did change the locks, then went dark! It was after this that he has wanted to work on M somewhat. Says he hasn't given up yet & has some hope for us, but it will take time.

I will further elaborate on how I'm pursuing...
I send an encouraging and complementary text every morning.
(He has given me much positive feedback on this.)
I only pursue is he is calling or wants to meet.
(Getting great practice at validating! He took me out to buy me & the kids milkshakes one night & starred at me, very emotionally & remarked that he had never heard me empathize before. He tenderly touched my leg and complimented me on it.)
I have asked if he needs anything when going somewhere. (Acts of service, one of his LLs.)

We have specifically talked about this very recently and he has stated that he does need me to pursue him, but I do leave him alone unless I get the feeling from him that he wants interaction with me.


I know the changes are for me, but they do benefit the M as he has been wanting me to change for a long time. I had been too stubborn to see things from any other angle and blamed him for my unhappiness. I had become someone I never wanted to be. The motivations for my changes are becoming more one-sided as time goes on, but it will take more time to get there just as it takes more time to change.

I will try to state some of my goals on here later today. I'm feeling a little more hopeful and empowered right now so I'll use that to physically work on things I have to do for a change.

Thanks again for the feedback, have a great day!

[EMMess]

Hi SParker,

Just checking in and wanted to tell you I am here with you. You seem to be doing some good positive changes in your sitch. The fact that your changes are now becoming one-sided is great, as you continue to work on yourself, he will notice.

Just wanted to provide my support. God Bless.

[Azzork]

SP -
I think Im having a hard time reconciling the anger from your initial post (which was only yesterday) with what you wrote in this last one about positive signs.

I have a hard time seeing how you chasing after him and sending little love notes and such is the best course of action. I dont believe that you have had enough time since his leaving to really do the self-reflection and improvement that will be needed to really rebuild to a healthy relationship. I dont know...thats just my opinion in reading what you wrote just yesterday.

It feels like you are accepting all of the blame and are willing to give in to anything he is asking of you, and I fear that while it may save your marriage now, it isnt going to be a pathway to long term success. It feels like he is setting up a set of hoops for you to jump through to "earn" his love back. But if he doesnt really change any, then where will you be in a month? in a year? in 3 years?

Anyway - thats what I think, but Im certainly not an expert. Lets see your goals!

[SParker]

Had a pretty good day today. H called tonight to say something business related, but lingered on the phone for awhile about nothing really. I think he's bouncing back from the slip I had had two nights ago. Overall, it's been a positive day.

EMMess- Thanks for the support! I have to tell you from reading your post, your initial thought on why your W was telling you that was correct in my estimation. I had done that to an ex and that was exactly what was on my mind. Your W might be very different from me, but I would place a small wager on her seeking affirmation. She was probably feeling insecure at the time. Keep on with the positive & things can't help but get better!

Azzork- I have switched books from DB to DR and am just to the goal setting part, so am not finished yet. I reread my post and don't see what anger you're speaking about. Could you further elaborate so I might see?
Although I just got approved to post things on this site two days ago, I have been all over while waiting on books and approval. No, it hasn't been that long since my M took a huge nose-dive. But what a wake-up call! It sometime seems like a lifetime ago. I haven't had enough time to become who I want to be, but I'm not waiting before jumping in to change head-first. We all have to start somewhere & there's no time like now.

I also don't see pursuing your H or W as "chasing" after them. I don't see it as winning or losing either, just being the one to make positive changes for the best outcome possible. I'm not stalking my H by any means. I could get back into my business legally if I wanted. Just unwilling to make him feel insecure right now.

A lot of the blame for where we are at now is mine. I didn't accept it before & it's time I did. But this process isn't about blame. I don't understand what you mean by "give in to anything he's asking of you," not jumping through "hoops" in my opinion. I feel that I'm just being caring and respectful of my H for a change. DR talks about evoking the change you want to see in your M. I'm working on doing that.

If one person in the R changes, the R has to change. It's a symbiotic relationship of sorts. I definitely don't feel like a doormat. I already have his love, and always have. H was just trying to fix relationship & not stay in a bad one. H blames me for his unhappiness just like I have him for years now. Not an easy problem & there's no quick solution. I just hope that by DRing, I can find a solution in time for M.

My two cents. Have a great night & hopefully I'll have my goals up soon.

[SParker]

Okay, as for my current personal goals:

1. Letting go of control and accepting things better. I'm doing this by stepping back and looking at things from other's perspective. By just controlling the way I react, I can effect changes.
2. I'm trying to get better organized.
3. Forgiving myself and letting go of the past.
4. I'm working on taking my walls down and not reacting with anger. If I'm hurt, I will respond calmly and not strike out verbally. Defending myself in this way only hurts others and result in more hurt for me.

I've finished Ch. 5 in DR and today is the day I committed to telling my H what I want. I don't know if he's able to do these fully yet, but he's already doing them half-way.

Other than the transitional pain, things have been getting better! We are spending more time enjoying each other's company. He asked for my help at the business in a small way this week. He hasn't invited me to his bible study or church with him yet, but hopefully that will come soon.

I'm taking the kids bowling tonight.

Baby steps! (Reminds me of 'What About Bob'!)

[Azzork]

1. Letting go of control and accepting things better. I'm doing this by stepping back and looking at things from other's perspective. By just controlling the way I react, I can effect changes.
2. I'm trying to get better organized.
3. Forgiving myself and letting go of the past.
4. I'm working on taking my walls down and not reacting with anger. If I'm hurt, I will respond calmly and not strike out verbally. Defending myself in this way only hurts others and result in more hurt for me.

So....these are good in concepts as things to work on. But they are very tough to measure. How will you know in a week or a month if you have "let go of control" or "taken your walls down"? I would recommend that you try to think of concrete, measurable targets that you can set for yourself so. That you will KNOW if you've succeeded. Things like:
- I will not speak to my H in an elevated tone.
- if I get angry, I will take a 10 second pause or walk away until I'm calm.
- I will organize xxx room or xxx drawer
- I will not bring up events of more than a week ago.

And so on. The more specific and measurable you make them, the easier it is to know if you've succeeded!

[SParker]

Great advice! I guess I'm just keeping a laundry checklist in my head instead of organizing it for a meter. That would probably work better. New side project for the next few days!

Things are progressing well with H lately & I HAVE to somehow add patience to that list! Went out on a date this afternoon after his bible study that he finally invited me to! Everything has been positive in relation to our interactions, so again, taking baby steps!

I've stepped back from sending encouraging texts and just been encouraging when it's warranted or needed in person.

Apparently, the last couple of days I have been doing well at controlling my responses. I might have to turn away & take deep, deep breaths, but I don't say anything without thinking it through. Just have to make those things die-hard habits!

Thanks for the help & have a great weekend!

[SParker]

I think I'm going to end this thread & start a new one. I've been thinking it over for the last few days and I really believe I now belong in piecing. M is not near where I'd like it to be, but all has been positive and it's heading there. Just not living together again yet. It will come as long as I make my changes into habits, I'm relatively sure. H is working on M much more than he was when he was desperately trying to "fix" me! But, the kicker is, now he's trying some of the DR ways without even knowing the book! He's mirroring my positive changes! I even got a text this morning saying, "Good morning, my love!" What a 180 that is from a couple of weeks ago!

Thank you, Azzork & EMMess, for your support & advice! I hope God blesses you both immensely!

[sandi2]

I think you are rushing things. You are still a newcomer and need to stay here in this section b/c it gets more traffic than the Piecing section. I hope you'll reconsider.

[SParker]

Thanks Sandi for the input! You could be right & I will reconsider that.

Just seems like my situation doesn't fit the models at all.