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achi Offline OP
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Doesn't seem to have helped.

At this point it seems like i need to pullback. Not contact her. And move on.

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achi Offline OP
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So yesterday I signed up for several DB Coaching sessions, and actually had my fist session last night.

Let me say it was incredibly helpful...being able to talk through my issues was a huge relief and I received some great advice on how to communicate with my W.

I really wish i would have done this 3 weeks ago...

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Great!


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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achi Offline OP
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So on Wednesday after my call with a Divorce Busting Coach I come home with a clear mind, and a plan.

When I get home I hear my W on the phone on our porch. She didn't hear me come home, so i put my laptop away, and plan to go make some dinner...however, I can tell that she is really upset on the phone so i listen.

Anyhow, she is talking to her mom, discussing how she is STILL talking to the OM, despite promising me that it was over. She is saying how she might be happier if she leaves for OM. Totally devastating. After making my presence felt she could tell i heard.

Again she started crying begging my to stay..same old story. At this point I feel beyond tested. Maybe ready to move on.

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She is crying and begging you to stay as Plan B if OM doesn't work out. Don't be a plan B. Don't forget to GAL.


Me:49 W:45
M:19 T:22
EA confirmed and ended 8/2014
S:19,17 D:9,5
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achi Offline OP
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At what point do you give up?

So I have been doing my best to GAL, and am not around the house that often. Its tough when I interact with my W because I have zero trust, and our fights inevitably go down the same road.

The other night i took some customers to the baseball game, came back late and W is in bed. Without going into specifics, I have proof that basically as soon as I left she is on the phone with OM. WTF? This is the 4th time she has lied about it being over. Anyhow all of her cloths were thrown in the guest room, and I think we are done.

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"At what point do you give up?"

That's up to you. Did you ever read the DB and DR books? What were the things that caused your M to spiral out of control? Be honest. I know it's hard to not concentrate on the OM, but you have to change the dynamic.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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achi Offline OP
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The M started to spiral as our sex life became non-existent. I was so unhappy with the lack of intimacy that I began to consistently look to volunteer for work trips, go on more guys trips than i should have, and just overall removed myself somewhat from her. NOW, thats not to say i was hardly around, we spent a lot of time together.

She also has significant resentment built up for how our data (pre marriage) relationship was. I moved for work, and put my career success as a top priority.

At this point I could stay home, pay her attention, and quit going out with friends. I get it, but at this point I think that will just push her away more. I mean she consistently talks to the OM but denies it, and is unwilling to consider any actions to regain my trust. Specifically open phone and email, look for new job (she could easily find a new job).

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Achi -
Again, sorry you are going through this. I DO think you need to seriously consider, is this person showing you the CHARACTER that you would want in a lifelong mate and mother of your future children?

Let's face it, people can slip and fall, but someone who is of basically good character will feel remorse and do what is needed to repair the marriage. So far, she is NOT doing that.

Personally, I would ask her to move out. I know that seems harsh and counter-intuitive, but in some situations, they need to be awoken from fantasy world and dumped into reality. I think she's actually MORE likely to turn around IF she has to face rock bottom. Right now she is still having her fantasy romance without having to pick up the OMs dirty socks or listen to him snore.

As to her complaints about you - remember to OWN what YOU feel is true, but let go of the rest. They make up some pretty crazy stuff to justify their behavior. Heck, for all you know, the lack of intimacy came about because she was already carrying on an affair with this guy or some other! And maybe you weren't in a rush to get married because on some primitive level of your brain alarm bells were going off that she might not be the best choice.

Anyway - I guess my point is, if I were you, I would NOT tolerate disrespect, and I would NOT sit around waiting for her to decide. I would tell her "It's obvious you haven't decided to give this marriage your all so I would like you to move out this weekend" (Or, if it's better for you, "I will be moving out this weekend"). Protect yourself financially however you need to (perhaps consult an attorney beforehand to make sure you do everything on the up and up). Then just commit to radio silence for a while and focus on working on yourself to be the best YOU can be. Drop the rope on the relationship and get a little distance. Her behavior may help you decide what is best, or she may come back to you begging in which case you can set very clear expectations and see if she rises to the occasion.

But right now, I guarantee you she doesn't respect you. Being a doormat is never a good option.

Ellie

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achi

I read up on your sitch. Several aspects very similar to mine in terms of the infidelity.

A couple observations:

- it's very very good that you're doing DB coaching

- you don't seem to be making much progress at detaching. I can tell you, that's something that will really help you even though it's one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do.

- remember that DB isn't first about getting the W back, it's about getting YOU back

My wife did all those things. She did cut off all contact with OM as best I could tell. We went to MC together.

But I gave in too soon many years ago. I re-engaged with my wife emotionally even though she didn't actually go through with all of my requirements for re-establishing the MR. She was really just doing damage control.

So for the past 9 years there has been peace, quiet, some recreation, fun, and sex, but there have been at least 2 EAs I have solid proof of. It's possible that's just the tip of the iceberg. And in the end, my W has moved out anyway and has stated her intention to divorce me. In the end, because I gave in too easy years ago, I've only delayed the inevitable.

It's really important that you focus on you and establish boundaries, detach, GAL, do the 180s. Be prepared to let the M go if she doesn't demonstrate real, substantial change. Talk with your DB coaches about what that should be and look like. Most importantly, giving in because you're hurting won't save your M or help you build a new one.

I'm telling you, you don't want to experience what I've experienced the last several years.

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