Things started to deteriorate as our sex life went downhill. I blamed W's lack of interest, and began looking for excuses to go out with friends, didn't give her as much attention, and overall wasn't the husband i should have been. We always fought about our sex life after we had been our drinking, and I said some mean things to her. This didn't get any better, and I continued to push her away.
I have no illusions that i was a great husband. It kills me, and i would do anything to go back and talk to myself prior to getting married. To see the girl that would have done anything for me turn to another man, and be willing to walk away is life changing.
I know what i need to work on..and was willing to make every change but once i discovered her A it became hard for me to be the attentive, emotionally available husband she wanted. I wasn't willing to be her backup plan...she continued to lie about the A, and so for every one step forward we would take 3 back.
W has stated that she will not leave her place of work, and that "would that really keep him from contacting me?"
Moving forward, with or without her. Are there any character flaws you'd like to leave behind? Things that you don't want to take with you for the remainder of your life?
I'm not trying to justify her A, just suggesting you work on the things you do have control over. Her A, where it goes, that is beyond your control. I eventually reached a point where it didn't have power over me, she still does, but the A no longer does. I'm still working on the part where she doesn't have power over me. Some days are better than others.
You've probably seen it all over these forums, but you really should focus on making the changes that you want, for you. Not for her.
I agree with you, rough times.
M: 38 W: 37 T: 20 M: 19 Kids: Stepson?20, S19, S16, D12 BD: 02/19/2015 (She moved out) PA Confirmed: 02/22/2015 (She is now living with OM) Dazed and confused: 09/13/2015
So yesterday I come home from work and my W is on the phone with her parents. Right or wrong I listened...all she was doing was bashing me to them, literally using anything i had said after finding out about her A against me. She even casually mentioned her A to them, as if to say "i guess this makes me the bad guy now." Really disheartening, again its like she is trying to justify everything, and convince herself the A and leaving is the best decision.
Really disheartening, again its like she is trying to justify everything, and convince herself the A and leaving is the best
Yep! Plus, she was bashing you to her parents so that they wouldn't be so critical of her having an A. See how she laid out everything you were doing, before she threw in the tidbit about herself?
I did the same thing with my parent.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi2 - its all become so surreal. Last night she comes home from therapy (we are both going individually) and goes right to the rooftop to talk to her mom...she is up there for 2 hrs. I can only imagine they are talking about how much of a terrible H i have been, and making plans for D. Of course she could be talking to OM.
Anyhow - on a separate note I watched MWD's Ted X talk "The Sex Starved Marriage" and it hit the nail on the head for us. Do you think it would be a good ideal to send W the youtube link to her talk? I mean it really describes our problems, except I had the higher drive yet she had the A.
Thanks again for all the responses. This board has been great.
Hi Achi, it's not recommended to send your WAS links to things that 'may help your cause.' It isn't for you to 'show her' things like that - merely store what you read and watch for your own development and growth.
Anything that comes from the LBS is just going to have a huge black mark against it...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I sent my W a few things about repairing the betrayal and honesty. She ignored all of it and continued to lie. So I don't think it would do a lot of good if she isn't in a state where repairing the marriage is a priority.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
I agree with Sotto. Counseling doesn't seem to be helping the M, and I doubt anything you suggest will be useful. Besides, she's in an A. Until she cuts out OM, you showing her marriage material is not going to work.
Why is she seeing a counselor?
Last edited by sandi2; 09/15/1503:26 PM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She wanted to take a deep look at what her to the A. From what W has told me counseling has been focused on the history of our relationship, and what will make her "happy."
She wanted to take a deep look at what her to the A.
Quote:
From what W has told me counseling has been focused on the history of our relationship, and what will make her "happy."
Oh, one of those type of counselors. No wonder it's not helping the M. She will be encouraged to focus, even more, on her feelings and to find whatever it takes to make her happy.
When I was in my A, I actually went to a highly recommended therapist. I told her right off the bat what I was doing. Her answer? "Oh, there's nothing wrong with what you're doing!"
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
