KML- thank you for clarifying. I definitely did not understand your point. I had not thought about it this way. Tough to look in the mirror and internalize this advice.
To me it seems like she is playing a power game..at times pursuing..texting me "l love you" "its always been you" but then she goes back to blaming me for all the faults of our M, and doesn't understand the pain her A has caused.
After I found out she was still talking to OM, I talked at her about the A. Very accusatory, mean, direct. Basically raw emotions. As you mentioned pushing guilt will get me nowhere..she responds by going right back to how upset with our M she was.
I really think we can have a very happy marriage, but she doesn't seem willing to want to work to rebuild my trust. Since my W and OM still work together, its hard for me to believe they don't talk. Especially after the conversation I heard them having in the past.
Here's a perfect example...this weekend after reading your posts, and re-studying the 37 rules. I dedicated myself. So while on a work trip I don't call or check in, waiting her W to call first. She doesn't. I get home at 10:30 PM and she isn't here...of course my mind wanders. Is she with OM? After being caught in an A, being gone this late w/out checking in is beyond messed up. But i don't panic, call or accuse. Just go to bed. WELLL...she comes home and berates ME for not checking in on her. I feel like everything backfired.
If W wants me to check in and call, show emotion towards her is that a good sign? Should i start to be more aggressive in trying to re-establish an emotional connection?
Thank you for sharing your story. I sense the deep love that you have for your wife and why you are struggling.
Sandi and others are better suited to help you with your next steps.However, I would like to ask you about your M before the A. What has your W said to you about the M? About you? How much of it do you think is true? Have you started working on yourself, for yourself? Can you use the A as a learning opportunity to become a better man, better husband, better friend, etc.? the A is a symptom of a deeper issue...what were/are the issues in your M?
re: you wife's apparent lack of desire to work on the M...as you know you cannot control her. The only thing you can control is your own words, thoughts and actions. Nothing else. You may be able to influence her to want to work on the M, but you cannot force her to.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
If your WW and OM work together, it will be extremely difficult (if not impossible) for her to ever end the A. Even if there is no PA, an EA would continue (at least for her). An EA for women are very serious and should not be taken lightly by the H.
Have you read about PEAS? It explains, scientifically, how the brain if flush with these "new in-love feelings" that equate to a pleasure drug. The person becomes addicted to that sensation, as though they were addicted to a drug. She has to separate herself from her drug of choice (OM). She has to go cold turkey, b/c tapering off doesn't work. Every time she sees him, hears his voice, or reads a TM, it's as if she gets a fix. Then she has to start the withdrawal process all over again. And, she will go through withdrawals if she really ends things with him.
You need to realize a WW is very talented at twisting things around to make it seem the H is at fault. It takes the spotlight off her and shines on him. He suddenly feels guilty or frustrated b/c she has him spinning. Your WW did exactly that when she accused you of not checking in with her. It was to take the focus off what she had been doing while her H was away.
Whenever this happens, don't fall into that snare. Stay firm, calm, strong, and remember that you were not the one who has been unfaithful. The burden of proof is on her! It is her responsibility to show she can be trusted again. It is her responsibility to be accountable for her whereabouts and actions..........not you.
If there is no transparency plan, I recommend you develop one. Otherwise, it is very doubtful you will be able to move forward in a healthy MR. Have you asked her, without any notice or warning, to let you see her phone (before she deletes the TM)? If she balks or tries to erase everything before handing it over, then she's still contacting OM.
There should be no privacy or secret R's in a M. Know what I mean?
Nothing, and I mean NOTHING will work until she ends the A. Until she is willing to end the A, she will not want to cooperate with you to work on the M, and she will not truly feel remorse.
The way I see it, the two of then working together is the biggest stumbling block to her ending the A. Stop blaming yourself. She was not forced into an A.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Our M is dissolving before my eyes. It is extremely depressing. W uses the fact that I am withdrawing emotionally to focus on myself as way to justify her desire to get a D. It is like every moment, every action is a test. In my mind I still can't trust that she isn't talking to OM, and all she has ever said is "i've said I'm sorry, but..you did this, and that for so many years"
I so want for her to come back to me with regret and want to work on our M, and I am willing to work on myself as well...but its so hard for me to be the attentive guy she wants when I am still not over her cheating.
Hi Achi, people often say on this forum - if there's a but, anything after the but negates what comes before it. Your W said 'I'm sorry BUT you did all these things etc.....'
Yes, maybe you did some stuff and perhaps you are owning and working on that. But she's not in a remorseful place just now IMHO....
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Totally agree there is a lack of remorse. The fact that W is always looking to start a fight, and then uses everything against me just shows me I need to stick to the 37 rules, and stay disciplined. I feel like our M is on life support, and it is becoming increasingly hard to stay strong.
You have some very wise folks keeping an eye on you.
I am not one of the wise, but I would like to offer some support.
If things in your M were to improve, what would you need to see from her? What would she need to see from you?
If things in your M were to completely fall to pieces, would you be willing examine your part in it? What concerns has your W mentioned that you feel are valid?
I wish you the best of luck, sir. God bless you.
One last thing, if you and W find yourself seriously trying to salvage your M, she should change her place of work as soon as possible. My W's EA/PA found its roots through the workplace. We spent a lot of time talking about it, time that we should have been using to focus on us. It was difficult for me to let it go while she worked with him and I am sure it continued to be an A while she was working with him.
M: 38 W: 37 T: 20 M: 19 Kids: Stepson?20, S19, S16, D12 BD: 02/19/2015 (She moved out) PA Confirmed: 02/22/2015 (She is now living with OM) Dazed and confused: 09/13/2015
