This board has been extremely helpful in helping me cope, and I would like to share my story, and solicit some help.
So my W and I have been married for 2 years, together for 8. We met during the end of our senior year in college.
About 2 months ago during breakfast she was talking about some guy from work , and in a round about way the conversation turned to how unhappy she was in our marriage, and that she was thinking of walking away. As i pressed her, she said she had deep resentment for how many times i moved for my career without proposing to her, our intimacy was extremely lacking. The idea of being with someone else who could make her more happy was on her mind.
Things didn't quite add up, and I asked about this specific guy she had mentioned..of course she said it was ridiculous and that they just worked together. Long story short, I found out they were having an A. The OM doesn't live near us, so they talked a lot, and would met up on a few work trips.
When I confronted my W, she was devastated, begged me to stay, and said the A was over. She even showed me the text to OM saying just that. We had a vacation planned, and I thought it might be a good chance for us to just get away, and reconnect. Big mistake. I found out more details of the affiar (not that it was still ongoing, just more gorey details), and W's lies. She again begged, and begged and said how depressed she was...but promised it was over.
Well...we get back from vacation, and that Monday, I hear her talking to OM again. They had plans to meet in person that week. I immediately made W leave the house, and told her it was over.
My problem is that she shows legitimate remorse for like 1 day, and then tries to act like I should be able to move on, and brings up all of my shortcomings. She still isn't committed to making US work, on the fence. Its hard for me to recover from her affair and mentally deal with that fact that she isn't even sure if we will be together. I totally understand that i need to make some changes, but I feel like in the immediate future she needs to be practically begging to stay with me, and she is not.
Deep down I know I want our marriage to work, but I struggle with how to act around her on a day-to-day basis. Should I use a combination of the DB techniques with how to act to a WW? Should i continue to monitor her because clearly she can't be trusted?
Let me ask you a question - do you have kids? Do you plan to have them? Because my response will vary greatly depending on the answer.
If you have kids already - I would support you trying to work this out. See if she will attend counseling with you, work out what she needs to do to provide transparency, etc.
No kids? If you never plan to have any, and you want to work on this, fine, have at it.
No kids yet, but want them? My advice is to run like hell. Seriously. You're young, only 2 years married, and she's already cheating on you? This is not someone who is a good risk for the long run. I know, because I've been there. My ex-husband cheated on me the night before our wedding (didn't find THAT out until a few years later) and had an emotional affair with her for the first year of our marriage. I left him then but he appeared remorseful so I took him back (without extensive marriage counseling - big mistake.) We made 3 beautiful children, who suffered mightlily when he had another affair when they were teens/preteens. We reconciled and did well for a few more years until he went off the rails again with a midlife crisis and we divorced. My adult children are still affected by the divorce.
So basically, what I am saying is this - once they cheat, that potential is always there in their minds. And once she has shown the lack of character and capacity for lying, the likelihood that she will revert to that when times get tough are high. If you want to take that risk for yourself, that's fine. But if you plan to have kids, think long and hard about whether this should be the mother of your child./
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Deep down I know I want our marriage to work, but I struggle with how to act around her on a day-to-day basis.
First of all, I agree with kml. If no kids, do not have any with this gal.
As for day to day, you can follow the 37 rules, which come from Divore Remedy. Have you read that book?
Her remorse will not hold true until she really ends all contact with OM and goes through the withdrawals. As it stands now, you are her backup plan. If things doesn't work out OM, she has the security of knowing ole Achi is waiting for her. When you confronted her, it may have been more panic than remorse you were seeing.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
After discovering she still had contact (a week ago) i Kicked her out of the room, and followed Sandi's advice for a WW. She swore it was over this time, and that she just wants to work on us. This is a woman i used to be able to trust with my life...so reluctantly I said she can move back as long as it is just us. Naive? Probably. However, I am a mess. I'm not sure if I will take her back, and she isn't sure if she will be happy in our marriage, but we both know there is love and potential for a saved marriage.
W wants me to attend a wedding with her brother, and his friends this weekend. I don't think she deserves to have me there with her. Especially since the last wedding we attended she was texting/involved with OM. Should i stay firm and not go? Or go and try to forge new connections?
Maybe I am being too naive and I still need to stay on the WS remedy and have her live/sleep elsewhere.
I understand that it would be easy(er) to walk away with no kids, but at this point if i really am honest with myself I want our marriage to work.
This weekend we were supposed to go to a wedding for W's brothers friend. During W's A I found out she was texting OM, and sending him pics of her at the other 2 weddings we had this summer. Of course I told her no way would I be going with her, and am trying to implement Sandi's 37 steps. However, she keeps promising that the A is over. Am i missing an important event to try and reconnect by skipping the wedding?
Emotionally I am a mess...seeing her drives me crazy, I know I can't tell her what i need to get over her A. But she shows not nearly enough remorse for me, and no effort for intimacy. Its like a power struggle, as to who is willing to walk away,
Your W is not truly remorseful about the A. She's just scared that you will leave her. You need to lay down serious boundaries and make her follow them. Top priority would be immediately ending all contact with OM. And you need total transparency from her to make sure that she follows through. That means open access to phone, computer, all social media accounts, etc. If she's not willing to agree then she's not serious about working on your M. She's simply biding her time.
Take it from someone who put up with a WW for years. They are expert liars and manipulators. If you don't get this under control now, she will continue this A and possibly many others until she eventually leaves you. Don't stand for it. Now is the time to make her choose. Stay strong.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
I don't think she deserves to have me there with her. Especially since the last wedding we attended she was texting/involved with OM. Should i stay firm and not go? Or go and try to forge new connections?
I know the weekend has passed, but I'll comment on the point I would have made about going. You are correct and she doesn't deserve you going with her. She doesn't deserve anything from you. However, if you want to have a M with her, you cannot be the one to punish her for her sins. If I had been her, I would have seen this as punitive. Learn the difference in punishing and holding firm with boundaries. You can give certain conditions to the R, such as complete transparency, etc. Realize too, that if you say it, you'd better be ready to follow through with it.
If she is being honest and serious, she will need every ounce of support and encouragement from her H to just get through her withdrawals. If she sees judgement & damnation in your treatment toward her, she will flee from you.
If she's not being honest, you'll know soon enough. Promising that she's not having an A, and continuing to TM OM is not a good sign. It is not unfair for you to tell her you need her to end all contact with him. It is not appropriate for a married woman to have guy friends that exclude her H. That's just asking for trouble. If she's not willing to give up a "friend" for her H and the sake of her M......then I guarantee he's more than a just a friend.
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I know I can't tell her what i need to get over her A.
Maybe you can. Has she asked what it would take for you to get over it? Has she even seemed concern about how you may be feeling over all of her behavior? Has she apologized for anything? Have you seen any change in her? If not....then I doubt it would do any good to tell her what it would take for you to get over her A.
On the other hand, if she really wants to save her M, she will be ready to do whatever you need her to do. If you need her to end all contact with OM, complete honesty, transparency, accountability, MC, or other stipulations in order to reconcile......she needs to know.
She may not have asked b/c she thinks she can continue on as though nothing happened.
What exactly do you need to get over her A?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I understand that it would be easy(er) to walk away with no kids, but at this point if i really am honest with myself I want our marriage to work.
I'm not sure you really understood our points earlier. It's not about whether it's easier to walk away without kids. It's that, if you plan on having kids in the future, you are subjecting those kids to an unacceptable risk of pain and damage from a broken family if you make a cheater their mother.
When I took my husband back after his affair early in our marriage, I was only thinking about the risk that I was taking for myself, and I was ok with that risk. What I didn't realize was that I subjected the three children I later had with him, to that risk. And sure enough, he cheated on me when they were impressionable teens/preteens, then left me several years later when they were just going off to college.
All three of my children suffer from mental health issues that are badly aggravated by the effects of the divorce. It kills me when my youngest tells me he doesn't believe in marriage and never expects to have a happy long term relationship.
I subjected them to this pain by taking the risk of making a cheater their father. Please don't do this to your future children.
Sandi- quick update, I did not go to the wedding with her. Her brother came back to stay with us for a night, and I left the house to avoid contact with her. It made it awkward with her brother. I am not 100% that she is done talking to this guy (although she continues to say she is) my therapist agrees..so I am trying to be emotionally unavailable.
Based on your response and advice i continue to make big mistakes...I asked W to give me space, but when i do see her i continue to fight over the A, and if I'm honest I am attacking her. I need to do a better job of controlling emotions, but its so hard when you see this W you love, and then realize what she has been doing.
TBH i am not sure what i need to get over her affair. I don't want to be the guy that has to snoop, but when I see her on the phone, I always wonder if its the OM.
I need to stay positive, and focus on being a better man. Its hard when I feel like she should be working really hard to gain my trust, but its more like she continues to remind me of where I fell short as a husband.
