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Azzork #2603071 08/31/15 04:30 PM
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hey Lost,

i'm back. I was at the snow with my girls. i have a bunch of custody crap that I am dealing with, but besides that - you know what - 7-8 months down the track and I still AT TIMES feel angry, annoyed, frustrated, betrayed, rejected, unfairly treated etc. They don't go away.

A colleague asked me one day about when the no sleep with a new born gets better. My jocular reply was that I dont think it does get better - you just get used to it. The same almost applies here. It would be nice if we could just anaethatize ourselves and have the emotionally equivalent time pass without having to live it, but unfortunately it doesn't work that way.

By now I am sure you have seen first hand that this process of grief is indeed bigger than you or I and affects us all. It is a human condition. one that unfortunately we are subjected to right now. Some will never know this pain. I wish I was one of them.

there was a line from an episode of "heroes" that I always liked, but only recently do I understand. We should be thankful in some respects because we all enjoy the "luxury of grief".

All of this is crap. It is unfair and just .....crap. vent, vent, vent.

something which recurred in a subsequent post since I hollered for Wonka - you said you and your H act otherwise normal. This concerns me in light of Smothy's sits in particular. It strikes me that although you maybe following Sandi's rules per se, in your case acting aloof etc might be misinterpreted by him. He might be thinking - "oh, it's all OK then, I didn't mess up so bad, its business as usual". I realise your in an awkward spot in all sorts of ways but I can't help thinking that in his mind he has just changed the channel and nothing has really changed, so he might as well keep with this new chanel.

So - i am hesitant to suggest that you stick it to him. Whatever that even entails - but in so far as protecting yourself, I would suggest consulting a L on the subject. I doubt very much that he is "allowed" to get away with what you are letting him get away with. I can understand you are reluctant to ruffle his feathers, but by NOT doing so you are giving him 2 messages - firstly this D path is stress free. he just moves on with no strings attached. And this is not the case. Albeit this is a consideration that WSs seem to not comprehend. It is all about their happiness and high.

Secondly, you are sending him the message that you will be there unmoved by his actions, and his behaviour is of less consequence to your R than it really is.

i think the subtlety of NC etc is lost on many WSs. Mine for sure. NC etc went unnoticed. She has been rapt up in her own world.

Probably wiser to resist the temptation of medicating via another R. At least that is what I tell myself. BUT it is important I think that you can see what it is in another R that would make you feel better. The reason being that this "feeling" is and has always been the feeling inside you that is brought out by someone else. Hold on to this. I think in time this will mature and develop and become more rewarding. One day you will meet someone that meets that. It may be your H. Nobody knows, and by that stage it won't matter.

Time Lost, time. it [censored] and there aint no other answer that can be guaranteed. In time you will be in a bette place. In the meantime we can choose between the lives we had, the lives we have now, and the life we are going to have.


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Lost08 #2603237 09/01/15 02:43 AM
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And the hits just keep on coming...

H is slotted to go back on 9/20 to the wonderful country where he has discovered his new life. This was supposed to be a 6 week trip.

Well, you guessed it! Tonight H informed me he may be gone for much longer than 6 weeks. He's not sure when he'll know definitely and, he may have to stay, coincidentally, GASP! in the same wonderful country! Or, there is a small chance he will have to return to the States and be on the West coast somewhere.

I cannot help the sarcasm. H says he didn't want to say anything b/c he knows with everything going on I probably won't believe he doesn't have a choice with this, But b/c it's such a long time to be away, he didn't want to blindside me.

REALLY? WTF am I to do with this info? Of course, the weak side of my mind is AWESOME at conjuring up images of the extra time he'll get to spend relaxing with the OW while I run around like a total A** managing the children's schedules, a new job, the apartment, the house, all the finances, family obligations, etc, etc.

However, there is a small part of me that believes he feels badly about leaving the kids for so long. Leaving me? hmmm. I think just guilt there. I mean, you should have seen his face. Believe nothing of what they say right?

I'm convinced this will only deteriorate what little R we have left. Honestly, how could I ever hope to rebuild a R with an H who is not around? And how could I live with the knowledge he's probably enjoying his time building a more solid foundation with the OW??? How do I swallow that and ignore it? And just focus on me?

How would he ever have any clue if I were to become the better option? Or a better person?

I didn't think I could get more lonely or more discouraged. Where's the bottom? When will I hit rock bottom???

And now what do I do? Where do I go from here?

Do I ask about H about our R before he leaves so I have some idea of whether or not he intends to stick around for our family or if he's looking for the big D?

Is that just a stupid question? If he's truly having a MLC, would he even know? Am I just supposed to lead this stressful life here by myself and hope that maybe he'll come home?

Oh F. I need to turn this off.

Back to school in the am. Oh joy.


M 43 H 48
M 19y T 20y
D 14
S 12
H returned home from out of country 8/8/15
BD 8/11/15
EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing
PA H denies
ILYBINILWY
Lost08 #2603253 09/01/15 03:52 AM
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Lost,

i'm really sorry this seems to be getting worse for you and I can empathise with what you are saying about ho will he know you are the better option. I struggled with this for sometime. As I said earlier, it is obvious to me now that NC etc had no impact for my sitch. At least when I was bitching, W knew I was there. When I went dark on her it just freed her up from to enjoy her new life without the extra hassle. She didn't slow down for a second, actually she accelerated with her new R. I wouldn't be surprised if she soon become pregnant to this OM, and who knows, maybe this is her destiny and true love.

In my case I believe and accept now that she never really loved me as a romantic partner. Maybe this is just the way she is, or maybe I was just not really "the one" for her. In any case though, all of the possibilities regarding her past,present and future are irrelevant. As they are for your H as well. Sure - this may turn around and you R your M, but realistically YOU applying Sandi's rules etc to the letter are not going to achieve this.

It will perhaps maximise your chances. Bitching to him certainly won't. AND most importantly it will hurt you further. fake it till you m make stand all that sort of thing. The alternative is that you just harbour this "mess" inside, angry, anxious etc until it fades away. You will get to the other side either way - in time.

Perhaps this can answer your question about the bottom. You won't see the bottom until it is behind you and you have started on the upside again. If you can as gently and humbly and compassionately and lovingly as possible, coast to the bottom - then the upwards journey will be (I guarantee you) infinitely more rewarding and possibly even pleasurable.

Warning. Like every other stage in this grief process - your emotions will not come one after the other in the same order each time. There intensity will vary as well. Just when you think you have finally accepted this, you will be thrown back into shock by some awful news like you have just heard. So to with the bottom. You will wake up one morning and get all the way through your shower and coffee without even thinking about him. You will rejoice and consider you have bottomed out and are healing, and you are healing, but then something will happen to trigger you again.

For me, I would be having a good day, go to pick up the kids and see her signature in the roster book at daycare. She has used her maiden name since BD. This would send me reeling again, back to unacceptance of where we are.

Oh and hey - leaving you with the household duties, the kids etc - this is what you have always done anyway right? So why would this be a problem? It may even be easier, it has been for me.

We can get through this ((Lost)). Detach. Erect a virtual boundary around him. whatever he does in his sandpit is his business. It only gets to you through a hole in the fence and is just like a narrow beam of light. The rest of your world is lighted by the sun, your kids, your family and friends, your job, your hobbies etc.

Please see a L. He can't just run away and dodge his responsibilities.


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Pyrite #2603538 09/02/15 03:19 AM
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Oh Py. I don't even know what to say. I'm so sorry about your sitch. Your W is obviously not in her right mind.

I'm not ready to approach a L yet. Where we live, the law is "no fault" and regardless of what your spouse has done (short of physical abuse, I guess) everything is split 50/50. So I really don't see what I would need the L for right now.

Detaching is still so very hard for me to do. Just when I think I've got it down, something hits me and I realize I'm absolutely reacting to his actions, or lack thereof, and not detached.

Had a little breakdown in the car this morning while driving. Everything hurts so much and I couldn't contain it. Thank God I got it mostly under control before walking into work.

Strange day for me with emotional lows coupled with the fact H seemed happy to see me when I met up with him briefly at my D's school He was friendly and chatty. (He had taken the day off to come to my D's school orientation.)

Sad part was I analyzed too much. Hope would start to blossom when I thought he seemed happy to be talking with me. Then I would think: Wait, he's been on his own all day with all the time in the world to message back & forth with OW. Maybe that's why he's so happy. It has nothing to do with me. Then I would try to ignore or stop those thoughts and tell myself to just enjoy the moment. And so on. My PMA in front of H was definitely a little shaky. But I did try.

Azzork! I wanted to tell you before I crashed and burned last night after the news of H's further extended travel, I had one moment, one genuine smile. And I thought of you. It was nice.

I was driving home from the wake, trying to push the sadness away by blasting my radio crazy loud & rockin out to some heavy music. A man in the car next to kept looking over. He smiled, mouthed something like "Hey, sweetheart" and then started motioning for me to pull over and follow him in my car!!! Can you believe that? I couldn't help but smile and laugh a little. Who in their right mind would follow some strange man in a car on the road? Lolololol BUT I did appreciate very much that he seemed to find me attractive laugh

So confused about this mess. And what to do and how to act. I think I'm going to call a DB coach tonight. I have no right doing it since I'm so strapped for cash but maybe one session might help. Fingers crossed!


M 43 H 48
M 19y T 20y
D 14
S 12
H returned home from out of country 8/8/15
BD 8/11/15
EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing
PA H denies
ILYBINILWY
Lost08 #2603562 09/02/15 06:02 AM
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easier said than done Lost - go easy on yourself. You are supposed to be in turmoil. My W blasted me for being angry, anxious mess at BD, and for a whileI actually believed there was something wrong with me. It wasn't until later that I realised that reacting another way would've been abnormal.

I have heard that this grief is worse than losing a child. Clearly there are differences, but I met a guy who had lost a child and years later a WAS, and he commented on the same thing. I wasn't even asking.I suppose losing a loved one is more straight forward. There isn't this betrayal, rejection, ongoing torment of dealing with WAS. The person is gone and you are sad. You are allowed to still love them and cherish the memories.

Aside from the betrayal/rejection the WAS's rewriting of history makes this very difficult. My W flipped in a day. She was telling everyone that the M was unhappy, I was depressed and it was bringing he down. Then i uncovered her A, publicly, and she was shouting from the rooftops that our R had been nothing less than toxic for at least 4 years. I had developed bipolar or something and hadn't been myself for that long.

Detaching at the best of times is hard for anyone. This is the worst possible time. Like everything else - it ill come and go, vary in intensity, etc. Cadet likened it once to an onion. I would say detachment is like meditation in the sense that there is no such thing as failure. Practice is success.


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Lost08 #2603620 09/02/15 12:25 PM
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Originally Posted By: Lost08
I'm not ready to approach a L yet. Where we live, the law is "no fault" and regardless of what your spouse has done (short of physical abuse, I guess) everything is split 50/50.
Its never a BAD idea to get more information. Knowledge is power.

Originally Posted By: Lost08

Sad part was I analyzed too much. Hope would start to blossom when I thought he seemed happy to be talking with me. Then I would think: Wait, he's been on his own all day with all the time in the world to message back & forth with OW. Maybe that's why he's so happy. It has nothing to do with me. Then I would try to ignore or stop those thoughts and tell myself to just enjoy the moment. And so on. My PMA in front of H was definitely a little shaky. But I did try.

Maybe it was Tuesday. Maybe Jupiter was in the moon's orbit. Maybe he was thinking of a bear riding a unicycle. Nobody knows. Dont try to guess or youll go insane.

Originally Posted By: Lost08
Azzork! I wanted to tell you before I crashed and burned last night after the news of H's further extended travel, I had one moment, one genuine smile. And I thought of you. It was nice.

YES!! Whats today's goal?

Originally Posted By: Lost08

So confused about this mess. And what to do and how to act. I think I'm going to call a DB coach tonight. I have no right doing it since I'm so strapped for cash but maybe one session might help. Fingers crossed!

Never a bad idea. Knowledge is Power!

Azzork #2603796 09/03/15 03:38 AM
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Well, not sure about tonight. I blew a chance to be completely disengaged and mysterious and going out to GAL. Right now, not sure if that's a bad thing or not.

Went for a short run before dinner. Showered and changed into a dress afterwards and came down to eat. Mentioned that I was going out. H was surprised. And something else. Maybe disappointed? Idk. He made a comment like "I don't want to know where you're going, but are you going to have a drink? If you do, just be careful. I still care what happens to you." (Last sentence something to that effect.) I got a little stuck on the "I don't want to know" part & laughed a little, asking him what he meant. He said "Well, I guess if you wanted me to know, you would have said something." And he seemed bothered by that. I did not mention what I was doing.

Conversation moved on to how we need to head down to the new town and check the PO box for my S's bus pass for the new school. I offered to go. H originally said if I was going that way....then changed his mind and said he would take a drive down there while I was out. His eyes were a little watery.

Now, perfect time for me to just go ahead with my plan and what did I do??? Yes, please groan and cry along with me. Maybe smack me upside the head once or twice. I offered the idea that we could just take a ride down together. REALLY. The disconnect between heart and mind is ridiculous. Why did I allow that to come out of my mouth?

Yes, I'm now going to try and make it seem like it wasn't such a bad idea. The total round trip was maybe 2, 2.5 hours. It was a very nice ride. Good conversation. I was friendly but not overly so. Stopped at the beach. I told H I was getting out to look at ocean. He, of course, said he wouldn't - didn't feel like taking shoes and socks off. But after I went up alone, he did come and join me. (That part was a little awkward. It used to be romantic. But hey. He didn't stay in the car.)

After we arrived back home, H went to bed. I told him goodnight-see ya tomorrow. He then looked at me and said "That was a nice ride. I enjoyed talking to you." To which I replied "Yeah, it was nice" and walked away.

I'm choosing to view this in a positive way tonight b/c I need a little hope. Either way, he's only around for 18 more days, so....I guess I'll have to just roll with it. Mistakes and all.


M 43 H 48
M 19y T 20y
D 14
S 12
H returned home from out of country 8/8/15
BD 8/11/15
EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing
PA H denies
ILYBINILWY
Lost08 #2603856 09/03/15 01:25 PM
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a while ago i was posting about the roller coaster. sounds like where you are now. this HOPE is what is holding you to the roller-coaster.

Abandon the hope.

Sever the hope.

It is destroying you.

Destroying you will destroy your children as well.

things might turn around in 18 days. chances are slim, but guaranteed HOPE is not your salvation.

Be whole (((Lost))). I feel for you.

-Py


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Pyrite #2604096 09/04/15 04:47 AM
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Is it hope destroying me or the death of my M?

The person I married, the one I chose over and over again, the only person I trusted completely, my best friend, my one love is, is in love with someone new and leaving ("on a work trip") where they can be together for 3 months or more. After enduring 12 years of this travel, 3 more months of being on my own is overwhelming me. I can't do it again. It was always so hard to be alone when he was on the road, but I did it because I knew in my heart, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I wasn't really alone. We had each other and he would always return to me.

That is no longer true. I am alone in this vast sea. No partner. No best friend. No lover. No H. It is more than I can bear.

I am drowning
can't catch my breath
the hundred foot waves are relentless
and there's no more debris to grasp
alone
I am devastated
decimated
empty

the gut-wrenching, ugly, loud sobbing
the silent crying
the tears quietly rolling down my face
are all one with the waves
ceaselessly pulling me under

You are right, Py. There is no hope. There is only grief and destruction consuming my soul.

Feeling my way, stumbling in this darkness,
I know there is no becoming a better version of myself and living in the light.

I have nothing left to give.
Nothing to embrace.
No direction. No purpose.
I am a shell.

I pray for all of you and your journeys, your R, your M.

Please pray for my children.


M 43 H 48
M 19y T 20y
D 14
S 12
H returned home from out of country 8/8/15
BD 8/11/15
EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing
PA H denies
ILYBINILWY
Lost08 #2604098 09/04/15 04:51 AM
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Lost,

I was worried about your reaction, but this surpasses y expectation even.

i will write more in next post. Please calm down. Deep breaths. You pray for your children and yourself as well.

-Py


M: 6 T: 12
Kids: 2,4
BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015
EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
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