WAS or what (2)

[roist]

IC also advised against snooping.

[roist]

I often wonder why I get limited feedback. I appreciate everyone that has taken the time to offer their opinions.

I am not having a go at anyone who reads but does nit post. I know there are many reasons for that and I myself only post on others threads when I feel I can say something worth saying. I know that posting more on other threads generates traffic but I tend to limit my time here.

Feedback on this welcome too.

[roist]

Although here I tend to talk about the crap side of things, I have still been working on the positive, as laid out at the start of thus thread. To help my focus I am going to post now my goals and actions for the next few weeks.

1 Relationship
Although not out of shape, I want to tone up and be mire physically attractive. So at least once a week I will dedicate time to this.. I put this under R as it will help with any future R.

2 Dad
I aim to get home early enough once per week to help boys with homework, plus at weekend.
Plan specific activities with both sons individually and together.
Read and learn how to be a better dad, not necessarily a fun dad. I want to have fun with them but foremost be their dad.
Weather and time permitting I may organise a camping weekend with the boys in Sept.

3 GAL
Join a club /activity in September and then go at least weekly.
Do sport at least three times a week , at least one of which with others.
Book trip home to friends wedding w/wo W.
Spend less time on couch. Only be on couch if doing something or watching something I really want to watch.

4 Friends
Be more social. Meetup with at least one friend each week.
Make new friends (hopefully in club) and specifically not in dame social circle as W or current friends.
Contact at least one distant friend per week

5 W
Decide if want to implement any of the options outlined recently. I'll analyse them again, but not sure there are any good options. But I am not afraid to do whatever I decide even if it pushes W away. Maybe I actually should push her away in a DB way.
Improve validating. I will reread validating thread and validate at any opportunity.
Make list of signs of improvement that I would like to see. Small step signs and not long term goals.
Show appreciation at all occasions to W and show love in the 5ll ESP acts of service

6 Me
Sleep better. Re evaluate after increase in sport and take natural based medication if needed.
Work. Stay focused at work.
Be more decisive.
Ask W to teach me to dance (rock n roll). I would like to do this before friends wedding, (esp if she comes but not only). Will also be good for any future R.

7 House.
Tidy my desk and keep it tidy
Tidy basement, including gym area and keep them functional.
Restart work on boys bathroom and finish it this year.
Finish painting cabin in garden for boys. Rain prevented that being ticked off before holiday
Write down my to-do list around the house and start ticking them off as done.

8 Plan B
Seeing how I am struggling with current situation and w too I think, it is time to prepare a plan B or at least figure out what I want to happen if we separate. First step is getting better informed and clearer on all options etc.

[Merckx]

Roiste,
Not that I know as I don't get much feed back either but it almost seems as that both our situations are truly in limbo. They are not bad in comparison to some of the others but to us they are beyond what we know. Our W's are still in the decision stage and may be there for a long time to come and any and all movement is so small that it seems imperceptible to us and we just want someone to see what we can't, good or bad. Just offering support and hope to learn.

[Huddy]

Hi Guys

It's not about quantity, it's quality that counts. To be honest, you appear to have a well defined set of goals and an implementation strategy. I look at your sitch, as well as a couple of others, on a regular basis. Sometimes I add something, when it's relevant, at other times I'll just read and see how you're getting on.

Keep going. If it starts getting hairy, people will chime in.

[SParker]

In reading through your posts, I am encouraged in my own sitch. It seems you have came a long, long way already and are feeling impatient for results.
I'm definitely no expert, but I am a woman. Could your W be acting out of her need for physical intimacy that you have been restraining from? IDK, maybe a ? for someone more qualified than I am. I know the program works well, but isn't there flexibility for different situations, couples, needs, ect?
I don't know if this should be considered or not.

My 2 cents- piggy bank now empty!

[roist]

Merckx, thanks for dropping by. I had planned saying hi on your thread as I do see some similarities. I'll post there shortly. I agree whereas my situation does not have the drama, spew, BS etc that others experience, it is far from painless. Yes I guess I too would like the vets to tell me what they see. From experience they must see more than us.

ThanksHuddy. Yeah I follow your situation too, even ifmosly without saying much.

sparkler, I will check out your thread soon and comment if I have anything helpful to say. I would be interested to know how my posts encourage you and also what progress you see.
I doubt you are right in my situation, I don't think she is interested. Maybe by retrying it will break the limbo, but most likely by rejection..... again. I have nit pressured her over this. The last time we had any R talk (Feb) I said I only resisted being physicalwith her because it was what she seemed to want. She said sexual side of things will be last to come back.

[roist]

One last post before work.

Last night while looking up flight, accommodation etc for wedding trip W stated she thought we could not afford to both go. I Reacted badly as I took it as her not wanting to go. I was disappointed and immediately asked if it was just a question of money. She said yes and wanted to know why I asked that. Instead of screaming because that is how you acted in the trip we are just back from, I said I just was checking and left it at that.

I left the room and drank a STfU smoothy. When I came back I said that maybe she was right and money is tight. And it was looking mire expensive than we thought. Which is true.

Maybe she prefers not to go away with me or maybe it is really just about money. Idk, but to be fair she has helped me look up info, had organusd her folks to mind kids and spent a lot of time yesterday morning looking inti it on her own initiative.

I will decide now whether I go alone. It is nit straightforward but after I look more at logistics I'll decide what I want to do.

After my smoothly we had good light chat and even asked her to give me rock n roll lessons. This surprised her but she readily agreed. When asked what that had to do with wedding I said I had planned on asking wedding but even if we weren't going together I grew to like the idea and wanted to try. Note; she wanted to show me this 19 years ago but I never got into it.

[SParker]

Well, your sitch is definitely frustrating and requires great patience. You are in limbo in some areas. The self-imposed deadline that came and went is taking a mental toll on your hope for the M. You might want to ask yourself if this deadline is set in stone for you or is it wishful thinking?

However, if you read back through your posts, you would be able to see the progress you have made and the many positive, small effects they have had on your W's behavior and attitude. To me, this is encouraging for my own sitch.

Maybe you should spend a day stepping back from the continuing saga of your interactions with W and reflect on your own progress? It could be encouraging for you!

Also, question some of your motives, such as the one for snooping. Do you need to let go of a control issue? How can you take your eyes off of your M more and focus on feeling better and progressing even farther?

Just my take on things. Hope all goes well!

[Zephyr]

Roiste, the statement 'no I don't want to go, we can't afford both of us to go' may be genuine, but who knows for sure.

I know I heard that many times from wife As recently as about a year ago for things I wanted to do. I balked and didn't do it by myself or find someone to go with me instead. WHO LOST? ME. I did. I didn't treat myself the way I should have and ended up not doing something for me.

the point is, if there is something you want to do...just do it. you are to the point where you should be focusing on what it is you want to do with your life right now. I am not even talking about leaving yet. I am suggesting that you need to REALLY put some focus on you, your goals (which are looking good by the way) and your happiness quest.

Now, before you get defensive I have just one question...are you to the point that you are the man you want to be? the follow up to that will be that your quest, whether you are at home with your family or in an apartment, should be to make yourself that man. you can do that in limbo. It may not be easy to see your wife everyday, I know it is not easy. IT CAN BE DONE. it really doesn't change much where you are living or with whom. you should be focusing on your kids and you. Your wife is on her own quest to figure out whatever she is trying to figure out. YOU CANNOT CHANGE THAT, you just can't.

This is hard, the hardest thing I have ever had to do be 10 fold. breaking my dependency on my wife, but it is what I need to do right now. While that is going on I still get to spend every day with my kids. I still get to live a life with my family. I will not give that up unless I have to. As long as there is doubt in my mind that there is still hope, I will stay. At some point in the future...it may come to pass that there is no longer doubt. 'That' I have accepted. That I have already cried about too many times. It is something that MAY happen. but if it does, I will know that I have done everything for my family, for my kids and for me that could possibly be done. This is where the GAL comes in. It looks like you have a good idea of some more things you can do to get out. I hope you follow through and do some of this!!!!

Until that day when I have no doubt as to what I should do, I will stay and try. I will stay and fight for my family. This does not change anything no matter what my wife is doing. You will need to look at this. Reading your latest series of posts, It does appear that your wife could have some kind of emotional attachment thing going with this uncomfortable friend. What does that change for you? Has this crossed any boundaries you have set? Is this a deal breaker if it is true? What if she is just fantasizing about being free of marriage, does that change anything...cause it is almost the exact same thing.

No matter what is going on in that head, You still have your path. You cannot read her thoughts, her mind, nor can you control what she is going to do. This is why keeping the focus on US is sooooooooo important.

I know you are frustrated. I know you are hurting, upset, angry, sad, all sorts for emotions. I have gotten stuck so many times and honestly you are doing so much better than I did for a long time, I wasted literally years of my life being stuck before things started moving, and a bunch of that is due to the DB process. It is easy to get down on yourself. I just have to look at the wall of pictures of my kids and my wife as a reminder of what I am fighting for.

We keep hearing do nothing. Maybe that is what we are calling it, as the process relates to direct action on our marriage, but there is SO much that we can be doing for ourselves. we owe it to ourselves. we owe it to our kids.

Sorry for the 'rant-y' tone. I don't want you to get stuck or too frustrated with all of this I know you can do this. I know you can!!!!