So for some reason I read an article called "Alligator Love". Here's an excerpt:
Scientists have made the surprising discovery that some female alligators mate repeatedly with the same male, so there seems to be a little pair-bonding going on in the bizarre world of crocodilians. It's not exactly a storybook romance, since most gators play the field, whether male or female, but researchers found that in one wildlife refuge, up to 70 percent of the females stood by their man, year after year.
Somehow that has eased my burden.
Time to get back to DBing!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Deep breath. Where to begin? And how to keep it succinct?
Essentially my L has done an unacceptable job in several key areas. She hasn't displayed the urgency I've asked for. Her communication has been abysmal. And, the core of the issue- her legal guidance has been flawed.
I need to be careful about how much I write just in case this gets discovered. I will just say that I have found out she has left me very exposed in some very important ways. Now, STBX and I are in mediation, and it's possible we could still reach a satisfactory settlement. But if this ends up going to court I could be severely impacted. And because of this I am at a major disadvantage in mediation because I feel forced to settle at any cost.
I can tell you I can't remember ever being so angry with anyone in my entire life as I am with my L. For the last few months I have been paranoid with the feeling that this isn't being handled right, but she kept assuring me, and I am just the lay person. So I followed her lead. Now I am stuck. I can't fire her as an L because that would disrupt the mediation negotiations that I am counting on to get me out of this sticky spot. But we can't drag this out any further. And above I only mentioned the lack of urgency...weeks roll by with no progress, she doesn't reply to my emails and messages for days or a week at a time. And I continue to double check everything she's doing and stay awake at night wondering if she's missing something because my trust for her is fragile right now. I have had it.
She was referred to me by a friend. This friend used her 10 years ago and has since referred others to her as well. He has heard similar feedback from his other friend. I was too upset to talk to my L...I am a conflict avoider, and what happens is when I get too upset I become too polite because I'm afraid of losing my temper altogether. This is too important for hurt feelings right now, but I am too emotional to handle this alone. So my buddy will be my lawyer for my lawyer, and he listened to me rant for two hours yesterday with the full play by play, bullet pointed the issues that need to be addressed.
Basically we're going to meet with her and demand better communication, extreme urgency, and flawless execution from here out. We're going to address the ways I feel I've been exposed, and the fact that I would've made different choices had I been better informed and advised. If she doesn't feel she is able to meet my expectations from here and resolve this the way I expect, then we are willing to have another L take over. Finally, any settlement that is substantially more detrimental to me than we could've achieved had we taken the appropriate steps 2-3 months ago is unacceptable, and I am not beyond looking into the possibility of a malpractice lawsuit. I don't expect that to come up in conversation, but she needs to understand that I'm not going to stand back and accept her fumbling around when my family is at stake.
I just keep reminding myself, again and again, that's why I am where I'm at. That's why I get promoted 4 times in 5 years. That's why I'm number one and am doing so well I almost feel guilty. It's not because I'm that good. It's because all you have to do to get to the top is not perpetually screw things up. And while it's infuriating to deal with, it's people like this that drive me to the top, and it's not bad at the top. In fact, I am not even complaining about where I'm at, I love where I'm at, and am super appreciative for it. Bottom line is no L is going to make or break my life, I'm going to be successful, I'll be quite fine, and I am glad that when God dealt out the personality disorders and I got 'most intense personality of 1979' that at least it comes with fringe benefits...
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
That's pretty rubbish of your L and even if you don't go down the malpractice route I suspect it's the sort of thing that should be reported to the bar, if only to protect others.
If your L is that bad is there really no way to replace them? A delay might be better than a poor deal (I know not good choices) or are you confident you've got this covered now?
Your last couple of paragraphs reminded me if a phrase I first heard from an old boss but I suspect it comes from somewhere else:
its impossible to underestimate what incompetence is capable of
Anyway, I hope you have a good day.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Sorry, Zues. How frustrating it must be to have an incompetent L for such a life-changing event as D. I hope the conversation goes well and that the L sees you are serious and shapes up. But I'm with Jim, maybe replacing her wouldn't be all that bad of a thing if you feel like that's the way to go. After all, a new L might be able to get things rolling again, whereas this L doesn't seem to be able to. The time frame might all wash out in the end.
Other than the L, how are you feeling about the way things are working out legally, child sharing, child support, alimony, property division? Are you and W able to agree on most of it?
It's such a shame that you can't rely on your L exactly when you need her the most. Have you consulted with any others? I think I probably would have done that - interviewed with at least two others to get their take on it.
And although I understand you can't go into detail, I hope it's only about stuff. Stuff and money - and you being very successful - can always be replaced. The older I get, the more detached from money and things I become. It's partly from having been robbed a few times, had hassles with long-term storage (and realize that you really don't need all of it) and lost most everything else in a natural disaster. Nothing is really secure, except this moment today.
I hope it gets all sorted out.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I watched an episode of "Outer Limits" once where the main character was going crazy...or was he? He was in a psych ward, and doctors were giving him medication, and they were treating some medical condition that required a surgery. But then he'd hallucinate, and the doctor's face would turn into an alien face, and there would be aliens vivisecting him. And he'd freak out. But then there would be the doctor again, and he would think he was going crazy some times. But other times he was terrified of what he thought might be going on.
That's how I feel.
Half the time I feel like my L is completely disengaged, is making monumental mistakes that could be extremely detrimental to me, that the follow up, communication, urgency, professionalism, and council have all been horrible. I feel I need to get a new lawyer, that I can't just sit back and let my fear of this conflict cause me to accept a settlement that will impact me negatively for many years, and potentially impact my time with my family.
The other half the time I think that it's the system that is broken, that doctors/lawyers/psychiatrists are just overbooked, turning people through high speed mills, personal attention and care is a luxury that can't be afforded, and that this capitalistic society and the system itself is at fault, and my L is actually a good L and person trying her best to be humane in the midst of a terrible process, and if she hasn't been more communicative it's because she doesn't want to ring up thousands more in expenses by having unnecessary conversations when things are going the way they should.
This week I've been flipping back and forth between the doctor and the alien, and it is scary. I am too emotional and not objective. I've talked to my friend that referred me to her to get an outside view. It is hard to tell. I don't want to be vivisected. But I don't want to jump off an operating table and stab a doctor with a scalpel either...
I sent an email to my L that basically expressed that. Cliff notes: "I don't understand A/B/C/D (specific examples of things troubling me). But I will make some assumptions. I will assume W/X/Y/Z (that she has good reasons and is doing a great job and handling it as well as possible)."
I ended with "I would like to speak with you as soon as possible to confirm those assumptions".
It's funny, I can't share the details, but I wrote it last night, and when I read it this morning it PERFECTLY summed up my concerns, while still being balanced and admitting that I may be an emotionally over-reactive layperson that needed to STFU, and that it was hard for me to tell so I just needed to express what was bothering me.
So I've dealt with this for 5-10 hours this week. Meanwhile my sales job...July/August were so good I feel guilty. September is starting super slow. Frustrating. I need to make deals to get my rush.
I am off tomorrow so this is my "Friday night". Now I am super exhausted, spent, empty, depleted. Very down. Lonely. This morning I was smiling on my way to appointments and marveling at how resilient we humans can be. Now I just wish I could take a time out from feeling this way. I am tired of having to be resilient. It has been so hard for so long in so many ways.
I joked with a friend, I was trying to cheer myself up on the way home so when I saw some road kill I tried thinking to myself "it could be worse, I could be that rabbit that got run over by an 18 wheeler", but then I found myself thinking "Uh. That sounds like PARADISE. I would kill to be that rabbit run over by an 18 wheeler"...that's when I knew it was going to be a tough night.
Anyway, my heart goes out to all of you on DB forums. If I could soak up your pain I would. Instead know that I care about all of you, and if it makes you feel better, please know that you've held my hand through some dark times and as painful as it's been I'm grateful not to be alone.
Alligators can't hold hands.
Last edited by Zues126; 09/04/1501:56 AM.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
