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mleigh4 #2603605 09/02/15 11:54 AM
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I still think he may have picked up something in Mexico and because he's not feeling well, he wants his mommy TLC and the dog there for comfort.

When in doubt, do nothing. Yes, you are learning to choose your battles.

I really do hope he feels better soon...


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2603803 09/03/15 04:41 AM
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It felt good to do nothing last night about H and the dog drama. I never said no, he could have gotten her...and I'm glad it didn't end up being a big nasty blow up. You guys are right, H simply doesn't feel good and is looking for comfort.

Today I did a grocery store run on my lunchbreak. Knowing I would see H tonight, I checked with him to see if I could grab any groceries for him. He was very thankful and had a few things. Tonight is normally my night with my son, but I had a work dinner, so H had agreed to watch son. I made sure he was feeling up for it and also let him know that he was welcome to pick up son from after school care and hang at the house with the zoo of animals. To my surprise he took me up on it.

When I got home after dinner, H and S were crashed out on the couch together, all snuggled up. It really tugged at my heart strings. I look at them and think, don't you want this every night H???

Anyway, I quietly cleaned up the tornado of a mess they managed to make and was going through son's homework when H woke up. I could literally hear his stomach start gurgling and he said uh oh, I better get going. He gave me a big hug, even held it for a moment, and thanked me again for the groceries. I told him anytime, to just let us know if he needed anything...I said we are here....


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2603805 09/03/15 04:57 AM
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H had made them dinner, had finished homework and even put the groceries away that I didn't have time to do on my lunchbreak. It was nice to see he made himself at home, a lot of times he acts more like a guest.

And when I got home, dog and cat were also right there napping. It was really cute, a nice pic in my head to go to sleep with.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2604865 09/07/15 04:47 PM
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Hope you are all enjoying the holiday weekend.

Thursday I worked with a lady who volunteers time at centers for women who are homeless with addiction problems. I talked to her about SIL and got some great information that I passed on to MIL who passed it on to the rest of the family. Apparently SIL is on the loose again. H got a random text from her talking about being on the beach and hanging out with someone from the island, he fears she went back to Mexico! No one is sure. She ended the text telling him not to respond, that he disgusts her, "dad" too. A really sad situation for them.

Saturday I dropped off S with H. He is feeling better but still not 100%. I went in his house, which I never do, to get son's McDonald's food together for him. He hung up his deer head, and I noticed inspirational quotes on his fridge. (???) It is a true bachelor pad, things just randomly placed and hung everywhere...a giant man cave! It makes my stomach turn because I just don't see him leaving anytime soon. I get this feeling that since he had never lived on his own, that he really needs to experience this. I look at him and see a teenager in his first place. And I see it lasting a long time....Not stepping foot in there anytime soon again, it upsets me every time.

Went out to dinner with a girlfriend Saturday night. We listened to some live music and had a really good time.

Sunday morning I woke up and went on a very long walk. Did I tell you guys H had pepper spray shipped to me? He doesn't like me walking alone. I then went to work for a couple of hours. My boss retired so we are doing some cleaning up.

H dropped off son Sunday afternoon, he always goes straight for the candy bowl where I happen to have his favorite reese's. H gets so excited. He also checked out the bathroom I painted last weekend and complimented my work. Did not stay long, said his tummy was still sensitive and that he just wanted to go home, lay on the couch and watch NASCAR.

I have been doing some thinking this weekend and I keep sensing no end in sight. If any vets see differently, please let me know! I know no one knows, and H gives off so many mixed messages, but it's just my instincts talking.

I also know to dig deeper for patience....thing is, I have always dreamt of having a family. A mom, dad and children family. I never had that and I want that for myself and my son.

With my son being 8, thank goodness we still have time to experience that. I will have that with H or someone else, whichever comes first. My eyes and heart feel open, I haven't given up on my dream. I also continue to have this feeling that something good is coming my way soon. I see companionship, fun and laughter with someone. However, the face is blurred now, I don't see just H anymore.

Sigh, I am trying to be patient guys. I really am. The ideal would be to live life out with H, but if he doesn't want that anytime soon....I just don't know how long I can keep doing this.

I hope you all have something yummy to eat on this Labor Day, and enjoy company with good friends!


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2604869 09/07/15 05:34 PM
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Hi Mleigh-happy holiday weekend!

I am far from a vet so I have little advice to offer here.

As I have mentioned I was in my own deep depression while H entered his own MLC fog. I realize now I was spared so much as I was zoned out myself. Watching you stand with such patience and for so long is truly admirable.

Again, I will leave the advice to Job and other vets, but you have so much to be proud of!


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho #2604913 09/07/15 09:32 PM
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UUGGGHHHH. I hate days like this!!! H and I never talked about when he would be getting S today as he normally has son on Monday night's after work. Well, I guess he had made plans with S and sons friends to go swimming at his dad's house. I had no idea. H texted saying he needed to pick him up soon and told me about the plans. I was annoyed at being rushed to finish up my time with son, but let it go.

H comes over to pick him up, goes into the hall closet and grabs some beach towels, says he doesn't have any. Then he goes into the hall bathroom, goes under the sink and grabs some liquid plumber. He says, ok if I take this? He said, the drains always plug up. I stopped and looked at him bewildered. He says, I paid for it! I said oh ya? With what money, our joint money? He said, with my own money! I said, " you know what? You decided to move out and start yourself a new life. That means you get your own stuff, you don't keep coming here and taking what you want when you want, that is not how it works."

He got mad, said never mind, and put the liquid plumber back.

Then he proceeded to call dog to go with them. She never goes on weeknights. I said, whoa! You are taking her? When was that decided?

He looked completely flabbergasted, like what do you mean? He said, we are going swimming!? I said, when is she coming back? I added it is going to be in the 100's all week and I don't think it is good for her to be sitting in his patio with barely any shade, that I bring her in the house on my lunchbreak. He rolled his eyes, said everyone has their dogs outside on hot days. I said, I'm not everyone.

He said, we are taking her, I am sick of you having everything. (Interesting, I just realized he said that) I said you are the one who left, get your own dog. He pointed to her and said, I have a dog. I said, once again, this is her home, you left, get your own dog.

We all walked outside and he was putting the stuff in the truck and mumbling their are 10 towels, 5 are his, why was I arguing with him. I said, then let's sit down and split everything up then!?

He closed dog and son in the truck, I turned to walk back in the house and said out loud, just get the F out, and slammed the door.

Lovely, huh?


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2604914 09/07/15 09:35 PM
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Sorry Hawho, thank you for the kind words. I am not feeling so proud right now, just really fed up and really wanting this all over and done with.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2604919 09/07/15 09:52 PM
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I am literally going through the rooms and closets, getting all of his things together and throwing some old things away. I am sick of looking at it, sick of it being mixed in with mine.

I also am placing some items in the garage. He wants his stuff? It will be all ready for him.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2604920 09/07/15 09:55 PM
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Sounds like this has been building inside you for awhile. I hear you wondering if this investment in larger patience shovels is what you want for you.

What do you want?? After you calm down :-)

You have options here...

You could suggest you want to remain separated, but date other people. Not ideal, but you could get a sense of whether this man still owns your heArt. Granted it's opening a can of worms...but, he hasn't jumped into bed with anyone yet anyway.

You could file.

You could keep things as they are.

Your H has never been good with the boundaries. He sorta cake eats even though there's no ow. He has hearth and home AND his independence. I can see how you feel frustrated.

Be good to u tonight.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
mleigh4 #2604922 09/07/15 09:57 PM
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mleigh,
I went thru something very similar to what you experienced with the liquid plumber. I had been out shopping and brought home a bottle of Vaseline intensive care lotion and one day, I came home and it was gone along with my towels, washcloths and a pillow off my bed (which I had purchased after he had left). He also took food from my freezer as well as veggies from the refrigerator that I had just purchased. I was furious, so I called him up and told him no more. The locks were changed and I advised him that the Vaseline intensive care better be with him when he came to have his taxes done. Sure enough, he attempted to put the bottle in my car, but I had the alarm set and it went off. The CPA chuckled and said, caught red handed, I see. We laughed...but they think that they are entitled to come back into the home and take stuff. They don't understand that once they are gone, they are responsible for themselves and that includes purchasing stuff. You are now going to need to watch closely to see what he takes. It might be time to split some of this stuff up and make it abundantly clear that you will not have a repeat of this afternoon's tantrum.

As for the dog, no more. He gets his own dog or he takes the dog full time. It's crazy to have this dog going back and forth. She's not a child and it confuses her to be going back and forth. I agree, it's too hot to leave her outside w/little or no shade.

I hate to say this, but you are going to now have to put some boundaries in place or he'll continue to come and go and take stuff each time the notion strikes him. If he returns the towels, I hope he's washed them and not just bring them back dirty.

You can't be friends w/someone who's in crisis. I know you love him, but he's a child and he feels entitled to take what he wants and when he wants it. He moved out, therefore he's responsible for his own stuff. Time to set some boundaries and I do mean boundaries about what he takes from the home.

BTW, put all of his stuff in the new and improved black plastic luggage and place the stuff in the garage. Then request a list of what items he wants from the home and make sure he gets them, if you are okay w/it. Have him sign the piece of paper once he has the items and if he comes crying about stuff again, pull the list out and say "h, you identified what you wanted and got them, end of story".

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