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#2603547 09/02/15 04:18 AM
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'Cause I got a peaceful easy feeling
And I know you won't let me down
'Cause I'm already standing on the ground

https://youtu.be/WwqHarJnQP8

Do you have a peaceful easy feeling? I do, but it sure took a while to get there. Not that long ago, I still had Ants in My Pants!

My world was rocked over 3 and a half years ago. She wanted out and was triple done! Triple OUCH! cry cry cry

I initially dropped into depression and floundered as well as the next LBS. Couldn't even listen to music! Forced myself to GAL of my own, even when that was the last thing I wanted to do. Faked it (PMA) 'til I made it. Last but not least, gave her space. It wasn't easy, and I was often in pain.

Shortly after BD I heard: "All I can think about every day is running away" and "if I feel this way a year from now I'll just go nuts!".

I worked on being the husband only a fool would leave. Divorce and move out dates given by her passed by without fanfare or movement towards separation. I never gave up, never stopped trying. I knew that what we had was great and could be better. Most of all, I knew she was worth it. smile

Around the beginning of my last thread The Five Balls, a little over a year ago, I came to a new and higher level of peace. Per Michelle's advice in SSM, I made the choice that because my wife is a good person, and the remainder of our M is good/great, I could accept the fact that our physical relationship may never change... instead of remaining miserable over it.

Little by little, a comfort started to take over. First over me, and then, dare I say, over her.

During our anniversary trip(s) a few months back, we took some baby (yet huge!) steps in the physical relationship area. I'm ecstatic! ...And a little concerned that this may be as good as it's going to get. ...I need to let go of that, and continue to accept and work with what is. It's the only way forward.

If we are floundering and miserable, it hurts and makes our life a struggle. It is also highly unlikely to attract our spouse back to us! This is why the personal GAL and PMA is so important.

Do something nice for yourself today. For the people close to you. For those not so close. For strangers! Make the world a little better place every day. You'll be glad you did!


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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I’d like to give thanks to Michele, and all the wonderful folks who make this board the life saver/changer that it is.

A special thank you goes out to Jack, URworthy, Job, T2 and the many other vets who graciously share their time and wisdom, helping others navigate the most difficult time in their lives. You all are truly special people, and I want you to know just how appreciated your support and guidance is! smile

Last edited by ForeverYoung; 09/02/15 03:47 PM.

M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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FY, beautiful posts!
Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
I initially dropped into depression and floundered as well as the next LBS. Couldn't even listen to music! Forced myself to GAL of my own, even when that was the last thing I wanted to do. Faked it (PMA) 'til I made it. Last but not least, gave her space. It wasn't easy, and I was often in pain.
After reading your recent posts, it is hard to believe that you were in this place that most of us, LBSs, are at the beginning of our journeys.

You’ve come a long way, FY. You are an amazing person. Like I already mentioned in one of my previous posts, your W is going to wake up one day and realize what she could have lost (I hope used the right grammar here, LOL.)

Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
During our anniversary trip(s) a few months back, we took some baby (yet huge!) steps in the physical relationship area. I'm ecstatic! ...And a little concerned that this may be as good as it's going to get. ...I need to let go of that, and continue to accept and work with what is. It's the only way forward.
I have so much hope for you. I admire your dedication to your W and your M, even if the things don’t go the way you wish they would go.

Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
If we are floundering and miserable, it hurts and makes our life a struggle. It is also highly unlikely to attract our spouse back to us! This is why the personal GAL and PMA is so important.
I need to remember this every time I feel down.

FY, you are truly an inspiration. Thanks for stopping by my thread. Take care.


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FY,
You are truly an inspiration to others. I hope that the posters who read this thread will come to understand that it takes time and patience to get to the other side and when the chips are down, to dig deeper for more patience. Walking the path of MLC is not a sprint, but a marathon that will surely try your patience and make you question why you are still walking the path.

You are truly a success story because no matter what happened, you picked yourself up and continued moving forward.

Well done my friend!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi all, I figured I was due for an update.

Things are still going well over here, not perfect of course, but I’m quite satisfied with where we are.

We don’t discuss the marriage… I figure actions speak louder than words, and all actions point to full commitment on both ends. Since we’re both “in”, it’s up to us to work things out to our satisfaction, and I think we are both doing that as we continue to share our lives together. Talking, sharing household duties and family stuff, going places and doing nice things for each other. The comfort level between us continues to build. Like Martha likes to say, It's a good thing! smile

I’ve been enjoying my hobbies and exercise activities, and doing projects around the house. My wife is a part of the latter, and we make a great team. She also has been steady with her workouts, and staying in good physical shape. I won’t lie, the fact that I still find her incredibly beautiful has helped me a lot!

I still occasionally hear my wife singing variations of her “I hate me/everyone/everything” song when she is in the other room. I found it best to ignore this and allow her to deal with her stuff in her own way. Early on, I would comment and end up trying to convince her things really aren’t that bad… That never worked. I think it’s better to let her process happen on her own terms, in its own time, vs. trying to speed things along with talks or pushing to work on or “fix” things. I tried too hard in the beginning... now I accept. Who would have known it works better this way? laugh

My wife also still stresses over her job at times. Our finances are in excellent shape, yet she sometimes stresses over that too!

I do still hear an occasional hurtful comment. I know it’s not intended to hurt me, it’s just how she feels at the moment, and I can accept that.

I just continue being me. Long gone is the tension of the early days of crisis. There was no flipped switch, it just slowly melted away. It’s hard to believe it’s been almost 4 years! Gosh this stuff takes a long time to get through! I have a lot of hope for our future… now even more than ever.

Oh, and the physical intimacy that took a big jump forward back in June has been steady. Still modest, but it’s very special to me. I’m so glad I found a way to hold on until things got better. DB and many of you here are a big reason for that. Thank you all.

I can tell you first hand that it’s true what the vets tell us: It’s mostly not about us or the marriage, it’s about their personal issues. As such we can’t fix things. The best thing we can do is NOT take anything personal, and figure out how to live an enjoyable and satisfying life while they Shake and Bake. (and I helped!) hahaha

Bust On my friends! cool


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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Here's a fun game I did at my family's holiday get together twice now. Both adults and kids can play. Need at least 6 people. More is better.

Bring some paper and drawing/coloring implements. One at a time through the night, people go into a private room and draw a holiday picture as instructed. On Christmas we did x-mas trees, on Thanksgiving we did turkeys.

The finished drawing get placed into a box or envelope face down, so no one can see them.

Once everyone has had a chance to make a drawing, the leader takes them out, mixes them up and numbers them. They are then spread out on a table. Everyone gets another paper and numbers it. They have to write down the name of the person who they think drew each picture!

The winner is the person who gets the most correct.

On Thanksgiving we had 15 people. I was quite surprised when my sister and sister in law both got 9 correct! Very perceptive of them. I only got 3. blush Pretty bad considering one was mine.

It was a compete riot. Lots of shouting and laughing! We will do again.

Happy Holiday's, all!

Last edited by ForeverYoung; 12/15/15 04:11 AM.

M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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Happy holidays to you and your family.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hey FY, just re-read your post from last month. I’m glad you are enjoying your life and that your W is part of it. Like I said before, you are an inspiration tor me. I’m happy to “hear” that you both have the commitment to make things work. I can relate to your W’s “hurtful” comments… I do… I think… NO… I know that I was like that before… I can see now how damaging it was to my M. I brought it from my childhood and my upbringing. My Mom was always (as far as I remember) negative. It took a big shock of DB for me to start really working on myself to overcome the habit of throwing negative comments. It is not that I felt like it inside, it was just the only way I knew how to communicate. I am very different person now.

I hope your W does overcome whatever it is she needs to overcome. I hope that one day she will realize what a great man she has by her side.

Your holiday game sounds like a lot of fun. I’m glad you had all your family with you on the Thanksgiving. I hope that the rest of the holidays will be as much fun! Keep on keeping on!


M:50
H:52
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S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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Thank you for the well wishes Job and Bright. I hope you both have a wonderful new year!

Christmas with both of our families was very nice. My wife and I cooked several dishes together to bring to the parties… it was wonderful to be working together in the kitchen on a big project.

We both received some thoughtful Christmas gifts from the other. New year’s eve was a quiet night together at home. This was one of the rare years I didn’t have to wake my wife up at midnight!

I recently read the book "The Introvert Advantage". My wife and I both lean towards the introvert end of the scale, so it was an interesting read for me. I learned many things about myself, my wife, and our society in general. Did you know that extroverts outnumber introverts by 3 to 1? The bias of our culture can leave some introverts feeling uncomfortable in their own skin, or worse, like there is something wrong with them. The chapter regarding relationships rang so true to our "Innie-Innie" relationship.

If you or someone you love falls into this 25% minority, I highly recommend checking out this book. Especially if you’ve often felt like the odd duck, or like you didn’t quite “fit in” with the majority of extroverts. My wife is reading the book now.

Getting through something like we have over the last 4 years wasn’t easy, but I feel we both have gained so much for it. The comfort and closeness continues to build between us. It truly seems that things can only continue to get better as we move forward. A Mature Love! Gosh, I love my girl. smile


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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I so love your "She's still worth it."

Have wanted to say that to you for a while. It's beautiful. xoxoxo HNY


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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FY, I hope you have a great year too! I’m so happy to read that things are continue to improve between you and your W. Your timeline of 4 years gives me some prospective. Maybe I will wait for a little longer to see if the fog clears out my H’s head and he realizes that true mature love is not a feeling, but a decision.

I’m also an introvert. I always knew that and I thought that feeling uncomfortable in some crowds was normal for me. Over the years I learnt to find my comfort zone in almost any crowd. It could be a challenge sometimes. Being an introvert also made my GAL activities somewhat difficult, I had to force myself to go out and meet people. I have a group of friends now who are extraverts and it makes my life a lot easier when I’m with them. I will check out that book when I have a chance. Thanks for your support on my thread, always!


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Just a brief update.

My wife and I continue to be close… each of us present for the other. Sharing our lives and helping in all the ways we can. A true commitment to each other!

I continue to learn a lot about myself, and have certainly fine-tuned a few things over the last 4+ years. It has not gone unnoticed, and surely has to be a contributing factor in her staying.

Wife too, continues to work on herself and does things to please e… even recently sharing some information she found that’s related to what she’s been dealing with personally.

I’m so glad we both hung in there through the tough stuff.

After 2 and a half years of talking about it and putting it off, we FINALLY got W a new car, and it’s a nice one… a Mercedes Benz 2 door coupe. Boy is it slick, and YIKES does she look good in it! There's talk of a road trip in our future.

In June we fly to a fancy Caribbean resort for our Anniversary. Yay!

Stuck in a rut? Try something new. I had to poke my sitch a bit a little over a year ago. I was ready for change, and sensed the time was right for something new to “work”. Pay close attention, and you will know when the time is right too.

Thanks everyone and Bust On!


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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FY,

I'm so happy that you posted an update. Gosh! A new car for your w and an anniversary trip coming up. Things are looking better and better all the time for you and your wife.

All of the hard work has paid off. Congratulations!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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FY, thank you so much for your updates. For the long-timers, like me, it's so encouraging to read posts from others who've hung in there for the long haul and had positive things happen.

I hope your anniversary trip to the Caribbean is spectacular. You both deserve it.


Me: 59 and holding
H: :53
Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown
M: 19
T: 23
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FY, I’m so happy to hear that things are allowing progressing in the right direction between you and your W. Mercedes coup! Wow!

Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
Stuck in a rut? Try something new. I had to poke my sitch a bit a little over a year ago. I was ready for change, and sensed the time was right for something new to “work”. Pay close attention, and you will know when the time is right too.
This is something I need to think about. I feel like I’ve lost the sense of urgency for certain things and let just them happen. I need to pay attention.

Thanks for always stopping by my thread.

Have a great anniversary vacation!


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Where is the Edit button? "Slowly progressing", not "allowing...


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Hey FY, how are you doing? I hope everything is okay.....


Linda

Me 65, Ex 64
M 38 y
2 adult S, 4 G-Kids
MLC 11/07
BD 12/09
D 3/14
Dating nice guy 7/14
Engaged to nice guy 12/17
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Linda, long time no hear! I trust all is well with you and your sons. Things are going well in Foreverland, thanks for asking. Job, 2 times and Bright, thanks too for the well wishes and for checking in.

Vacation was great, even though we both got bitten up by sand flees on the beach… and I got traveler’s diarrhea on the final day. D’oh! We did some snorkeling, gym workouts, spa massages, fancy dining, drinking, and just hanging out relaxing/reading at the beach or pool. The best perk of my wife’s job is that we can take these all inclusive trips at great discount.

“Slowly progressing” is a good way to put it, Bright. My wife is still searching for meaning and purpose, but is comfortable telling me of her discontent. It helps that she knows I'm present for her whenever she opens up to me.

We do almost everything together, but do have a few separate friends and activities. While it has improved, our physical relationship is not as far along as I would like it to be. But I understand why, and will continue to be patient. I think it’s normal human nature to always want more, never be satisfied. The trick, I think, is to be happy with what we have and where we are.

My wife and I make such a great team and have such a long history together that there is no place I’d rather be. THIS is Love!

Bust On, everyone!


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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FY,
I'm so happy you posted an update!

I'm tickled to read that the vacation was great and you both had a good time except for those couple of "kinks" along the way. So where do you think you and your wife will head next?

FY, you learned the lessons and have been patient and compassionate. You've done the hard, necessary work and your wife is attempting to catch up. Continue to be patient because it's going to be well worth it when she gets to the finish line.

You are such an inspiration and the posters need to read your threads to see that there are times when patience, time, space, compassion, listening skills and also focusing on yourself do pay off.

I'm so proud of you!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Quote:
The trick, I think, is to be happy with what we have and where we are.

Ayep.... progress is progress.

Nice update.


"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
"Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!"
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Yeah! Linda stirred up things here, LOL! FY, I’m so happy that thing are moving along and that you had a great vacation! What you said about the true love resonates with me! Also, about a great team that you W and you make together!

Bust on back to you ya, FY!


M:50
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This is so wonderful to hear, FY. Well, except for the sand fleas and diarrhea LOL. I am remembering our first years schlogging thru this loooong process together, and your yearly vacation trips. This one sounded a lot better than those first ones after BD!

Nice to hear that things are slowly progressing. Better than regressing! And that you are hanging in there. You're right -- that IS love!

Do you guys have any pets now?


Linda

Me 65, Ex 64
M 38 y
2 adult S, 4 G-Kids
MLC 11/07
BD 12/09
D 3/14
Dating nice guy 7/14
Engaged to nice guy 12/17
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Hello Forever Young. I dipped through your threads a few times and intend to read your full story again shortly.As my W is still at hone, several people, including Job have recommended I check out your threads. As someone who has travelled this path much longer than me, I would appreciate your insights and thoughts about my situation. I recently moved to mlc forum under WAS or what 8.

Your strength has been a tremendous inspiration to many you don't even know. I just wanted to drop by and introduce myself.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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Job, thanks for all your kind words. You have helped me a lot and continue to do so. It is truly appreciated! smile

Even all the dog gone patience shovels. laugh

Originally Posted By: job
So where do you think you and your wife will head next?


We discussed taking a road trip in the new car. Nothing firm planned yet.

Linda, OMG! You are correct, some of the Anniversary trips of recent past were quite painful, often worse than being at home! Even this latest trip had a few tense moments, but we were able to work through it and have a good time, because commitment. (and understanding)

No new dog yet, frown but we have a bunny and parakeet, both which were found loose in the wild. Being a domestic (pet) rabbit and warm climate bird, both would have perished long ago had we not rescued them.

Roist, if I can help at all I will be honored. I have looked through your threads and will drop by your latest one soon.


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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I have started reading your threads. I have questions and thoughts but I will complete my reading before asking. I am up to the end of your second thread in mlc section.

We have had some similar thoughts running through our heads. I am curious to see your full path.

I am curious though. How did it turn out for T2?


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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roist,

TSquared 2 (T2) is divorced and it looks like he last posted over a year ago. He did everything humanly possible and yet, it wasn't enough to save his relationship w/his xw.

I'm providing the link to his last thread.

20th Thread - The Undiscovered Country


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi FY do you remember the following:

Thanks for your reply FY, you just keep posting your thoughts, I would like to trade places with you, know joke, you still have a chance, but don't the feck blow it OK.

Love

Delboy

P.S Feck is used in 'Father Ted' (instead of the real F word) another brilliant British T V series.

11/29/12 06:22 PM Re: The Thinkers Thread [Re: Delboy]
-------------------------------------------------------
Your Reply:

With the help of the fine folks here, I'm trying my best not to blow it. laugh

Thanks, Father Ted!
_________________________
M: 33 years
Crisis: 4.5 years. Same home, separate beds.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
---------------------------------------------------------------

P.S Did you ever believe you would make it this far?
Love
Delboy

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Originally Posted By: Delboy

Hi FY do you remember the following:

Thanks for your reply FY, you just keep posting your thoughts, I would like to trade places with you, know joke, you still have a chance, but don't the feck blow it OK.

Love

Delboy

P.S Feck is used in 'Father Ted' (instead of the real F word) another brilliant British T V series.


Yes, I do remember your above post from way back when! Thanks, and I'd say everyone here "still has a chance". It isn't over until we say it's over.


Quote:
P.S Did you ever believe you would make it this far?
Love
Delboy


Early on, while thinking about how I badly I fecked things up, I remember giving "us" a 50/50 shot of making it this far. There were moments where that dropped much lower. Think: Roller coaster ride! Yahoo! sick But as time went on, things s-l-o-w-l-y got better. I'm so glad I held on. smile


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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happy for you FY... you are an inspiration. my heart always gives a little extra beat when I read your sig, "she's still worth it" xoxoxo many blessings


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

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A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
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I now have read and in some cases reread all of your threads. I learned some interesting stuff, got some pointers and got a frightening insight into how long my path could be. Best not think about that, hey.

Throughout your struggle even at the worst moments, your sense of humour was awesome. I may not have made it through all those threads without that!!! I smiled, smirked and sometimes laughed at your posts. You inspire me to want to be as good humoured. It undoubtedly helped you.

I have many questions but I will start with ONE. Only answer if you want to. Can you describe fully exactly where ye are at now? I am happy you are happy.

Best wishes


R 25 years
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ForeverYoung, just started reading your old posts and you are an inspiration. I see a lot of my own thinking in your early posts and if you have come this far, then I feel I am on the right track. What I like most is the fact that you seem to have felt compassion for your wife from the outset and were convinced the way forward was to make a better life together, not just rescue what you had.

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I've just finished reading all your threads FY. There were two others who posted in your threads that really caught my eye and I plan to read their threads next. You are a success story. Maybe you haven't gotten what you sought out to get from the beginning but you seem to have grown to accept the new W and that is important. Here's the things that I thought that you really offered your wife that look to me as really smart:


  • Compassion
  • Unconditional Love
  • Patience
  • No judgment
  • Appreciation
  • Respectful
  • Commitment


These are the traits you expressed when you talked about your wife, and I am certain that you also demonstrated them to her. This is probably the reason you are still together.

No anger, despair, frustration, criticism, which unfortunately I see a lot of on these boards. It was never "What she is doing to me" but rather "What she is going through." You always put her first even though it is clear you have your own needs.

I just have to say you are my new role model. Thank you.

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Originally Posted By: bttrfly
happy for you FY... you are an inspiration. my heart always gives a little extra beat when I read your sig, "she's still worth it" xoxoxo many blessings


Thank you for your kind words, bttrfly. What a sweet name. Kisses and hugs back at ya! blush


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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Originally Posted By: roist

Throughout your struggle even at the worst moments, your sense of humour was awesome. I may not have made it through all those threads without that!!! I smiled, smirked and sometimes laughed at your posts. You inspire me to want to be as good humoured. It undoubtedly helped you.


I sometimes wondered if I'd make it through all those threads too! It helps a bunch when we can laugh at this stuff. Impossible to do at first, but as time goes on you'll find ways.

Quote:
I have many questions but I will start with ONE. Only answer if you want to. Can you describe fully exactly where ye are at now?


Where am I at now? hmmmm…. To be honest, it's been a while since I've thought about it. I just try to enjoy each day and do the things I like. Be true to myself yet be present for my wife. (more than I was in the past) Realize my mistakes and shortcomings and try to be a better man, husband and friend. Work harder at seeing things from the perspective of others.

Worrying about my marriage is a thing of the past. I don’t think about leaving my wife or her leaving me. I doubt she does either. I firmly believe my wife and I are both fully committed to the marriage. We have each other’s back in so many ways. It's nice.

Our physical relationship has improved, and I expect this will continue.

I try not to hold things in, (that only hurts relationships in the long run) but I also won’t be uncaring or reckless about letting my feelings and desires known. You've probably seen some of my comments regarding STFU. I believe it has its place and time, and it's not always.

I try to look for the positives and focus on them.

Find ways to accept and be happy with “What is”, and move forward from there. Dream of what “could be” and set course for it. Don’t allow myself to be sidetracked by others.

A successful marriage can’t be a score card (I’m giving more than him/her!) or tit for tat. Often times the best way to receive is to give. There may be times when one partner is doing most of the work. This is ok. Michele has a section in her book where she explains it only takes one to tango. Maybe sign up for dance lessons!


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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Thank you for your kind words 2Lady. It's always nice to meet someone new.

Originally Posted By: 2Lady
What I like most is the fact that you seem to have felt compassion for your wife from the outset


How could I not feel compassion for my wife? I was completely aware of her childhood, and I hurt her on top of that. She deserves the best I have to give, for as long as she will accept it.

Originally Posted By: 2Lady
I've just finished reading all your threads FY. There were two others who posted in your threads that really caught my eye and I plan to read their threads next. You are a success story. Maybe you haven't gotten what you sought out to get from the beginning but you seem to have grown to accept the new W and that is important.


The "new wife" is still under construction. Just like the rest of us are. Those going through crisis have it much tougher than those of us who are not, so the process usually takes longer. (darn it all!) I trust progress will continue to be made.


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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Originally Posted By: 2Lady
There were two others who posted in your threads that really caught my eye and I plan to read their threads next.


Can you tell us who they are, so we can remember and talk about them?


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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FY, you have lots of new admirers, LOL. And I agree, you are an inspiration to many folks here. BTW, I’m curious if your signature reflects the actual time since the crisis started, 4.5 years ago?.. I’m past 4 years since BD, but I think his crisis started about a couple of years before that.

And, as always, thanks for stopping by at my thread.


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Just checking in on you FY, glad to hear you sounding so strong and resolute, you're my hero smile


Linda

Me 65, Ex 64
M 38 y
2 adult S, 4 G-Kids
MLC 11/07
BD 12/09
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Well I started reading both of them but when I got to something about the past of one them I decided I just could not respect that person and stopped reading so I won't name that one, but the one that I have been finding inspiring is FastCars. There's another one I have been reading today, Albuquerque, who is pretty good too.

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Hey Bright! This December will be 5 years since my wife's Mom died, and she started questioning everything. 3 months later, I got the bomb. There's a thread here somewhere discussing if there was some kind of trigger for your spouses crises... maybe started by Wonka? (Are you still out there, girl friend? blush ) Very interestingly, there were plenty of common themes. Maybe someone smarter than me can find it and link it here.

Linda, thanks for yankin' me back in here, it's been kinda fun! Hugs and kisses...

Oh, and I almost forgot... one of my obligatory corny love songs... laugh

In spite of ourselves


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
Hey Bright! This December will be 5 years since my wife's Mom died, and she started questioning everything. 3 months later, I got the bomb. There's a thread here somewhere discussing if there was some kind of trigger for your spouses crises... maybe started by Wonka? (Are you still out there, girl friend? blush ) Very interestingly, there were plenty of common themes. Maybe someone smarter than me can find it and link it here.

Linda, thanks for yankin' me back in here, it's been kinda fun! Hugs and kisses...

Oh, and I almost forgot... one of my obligatory corny love songs... laugh

In spite of ourselves



This one?

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...407#Post2416407


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Originally Posted By: CaliGuy


This one?

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...407#Post2416407 [/quote]

Yep, that's the one, Cali! It's a good read.

I figured someone smarter than me would find it, but I didn't think they'd do it so quickly!


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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Hi FY

Can you check out a poster called SBJ?

Thanks,
Eric


"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
"Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!"
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Hi FY,


Just a quick word to say best wishes for the née year and to wonder if you will journal again soon. Regardless I wish you all the best


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Hi roist, thanks for stopping by, and Happy New Year to you too!

Things are going fairly well for both of us over here, I really can’t complain. (but surprise, sometimes I still do!)

I just keep on making the best of things and enjoying each day as much as possible. Much better than waiting for some outcome or finish line, I believe. I give my wife my best and I know she is doing the same. Some things she just isn’t capable of giving right now. I still believe this can change.

But, she does end up pleasantly surprising me time and time again. Gosh, I Love my girl!

We had a good discussing regarding the State of the Union recently.

Wife says she is content enough, and that she understands things could be worse. Funny, that I feel the same way! But there’s little doubt that she struggles greatly at certain moments… Much more than I do. I know because we live together and she’s told me.

I asked if she’d agree to see a counselor “to save our Marriage” (!) She said yes, so I’m setting something up. I hope this can be a stepping stone for the healing she deserves... and an even better connection for the two of us.


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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Hey FY, Happy New Year! Just stopped by to see how things were going. Always happy to check in and see this kind of post. You never disappoint smile

Choose the counselor well, amigo. And best of luck!

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Hey AJ, Happy New Year to you too!

Early in my time here you once posted to me that my wife didn't sound too checked out, and that you thought we had a good chance of making it. Your positive assessment meant a lot to me at the time, and I've often recalled it. Thanks for not saying she's good as gone, stop your crying!

I searched and found a counselor who I felt was most appropriate for our situation, and thanks to a cancelation we managed to get in tonight. Wife opened up at least as much as I hoped she would, and the therapist focused on her. In the end wife agreed to see her privately, starting next week! Maybe she is finally tired of feeling the way she does. I hope she finds what she needs and deserves. Actually, I'm excited and have high hopes. Bust On!


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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Hey FY, Happy New Year! Thanks for stopping by to update! I'm happy to hear that things are progressing. AJ is right, you are an inspiration here! Keep going and good luck with the counselor!


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I am happy for you and wish ye luck with the counseling. I hope she is ready for it. Does she seem committed to improving the M?

I hope you will drop by to let us know how it progresses.

On a selfish note I hope to read soon that the two of ye do achieve a full and happy M. I say selfish, though I would be delighted for you, as I personally would like to have an example of someone who stuck it out in house and achieved that full rich loving R we all seek. I am looking for that success story to hold onto in my moments of doubt.

To me you already are a success and a hell of a role model. Maybe one day I will achieve that too. I think my M is not beyond saving. Time will tell.

Good luck again and best wishes


R 25 years
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S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
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Happy New Year!

I am so happy to read that you have found a counselor who fits the bill for your situation. I think your wife is getting tired of how she feels and she does want to understand why she feels the way she does.

I wish you and your wife all of the best and may the new year be the best one yet for the two of you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi DB friends!

Just a quick update. Counseling is going well, but apparently it takes more than 1 or 2 sessions to work through major issues? Who knew? laugh

Even though I pretty much put it away, it turns out I’m going to need to retrieve that darn patience shovel! That’s ok, because I won’t melt and she’s more than worth it.

My wife is opening up with our therapist and seems ready to improve herself and our M. Part of this is due to me being near done with the status quo. I never issued any type of ultimatum, but it was made clear that I didn’t know how long I could go on as we were. Not a threat by any means, but more of an acknowledgement of reality. If you go this route make sure it's not a tactic, it has to be real.

Maybe a bigger reason she accepted my offer to initiate MC is she was just finally ready to make things better for herself. She's been holding a lot in, and some of it was my fault. There will be no details posted here regarding this, as I feel it is a private matter between a H & W.

My wife has verbally stated that she does not want a divorce, which I pretty much knew, but YAY! smile She has also acknowledged that I have turned over a new leaf in almost every area. Likely a reason why she never left. Apparently, I’ve become the H only a fool would leave?

I’m impressed with our counselor, and think she is a good fit for us. More importantly, my wife is comfortable with her. We’ve met with her both together and separately, 5 times total now. She’s laid out a plan for us (build a stronger and more intimate connection) and gives us both homework. It’s been tough at times, I must admit. Wife has spewed at me a few times and we have argued more than we have in years. I admit I deserve some (but not all) of it.

But we’re both still here and committed to the M, so that’s the important thing. I’m more confident than ever that things will continue to improve. cool Bust On y’all!


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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FY...I asked on roist's thread before I saw that you had posted an update. I hope and pray that things continue in a positive direction. I know that I have only been in this thing for 1/10th the time you have, but it seems that your W is kind of standing for your M now. I wish mine thought we were worth saving just as yours has. Like you I think that my wife is worth the fight, but at this point she is only fighting to get out.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
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Originally Posted By: SBJ
FY...I asked on roist's thread before I saw that you had posted an update. I hope and pray that things continue in a positive direction. I know that I have only been in this thing for 1/10th the time you have, but it seems that your W is kind of standing for your M now. I wish mine thought we were worth saving just as yours has. Like you I think that my wife is worth the fight, but at this point she is only fighting to get out.


Thanks, SBJ.

Yes, my wife is standing for our marriage right now, and I recently left her a card thanking her for exactly that. Little thoughts of appreciation can go a long way.

I'm sorry that your W wants out so badly. Our spouses have to want to work on the marriage for it to work in the end, but sometimes we can ride it out until their feelings change. Stay on your course and remain strong my friend, you never know what may happen.


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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Bravo! I'm so happy to read your update. Keep that patience shovel handy!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thanks for keeping us in the loop. I am happy that things are positive and have no worries about you managing that patience shovel!!

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
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Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
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FY,

Job suggested o read your threads and I am now a part of your fan club. I've learned so much from you and am inspired by your attitude and patience and compassion in this situation--5 years! Best wishes in the counseling and good news on the physical front.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Hi foreveryoung

I hope your absence from these threads is a positive sign.I wish you all my best in your path. I look forward to hearing from you.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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Hi roist and my fellow DB team! Things are going well in Mr and Mrs Foreverland, thanks for checking in.

Counseling has been both helpful and stressful!

We’ve been discussing our one main issue, and working through it. It's apparent it’s going to take longer than I expected to get to where I hope to be. That’s ok. My wife is on board, and doing the exercises and homework. Wife has also visited the marriage bed several times now, which is a huge step. I can see progress. But this progress also increases my antsy-ness!

I gotta keep that in check and remember how far we have come.

Focus on the progress, and keep it going.

We've been busy working together on home improvement projects. Also have some vacation activities planned, and an out of state wedding to attend. It should be fun.

Just know that things really can get better if you follow the plan and hang in there. cool Bust On, everyone!


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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Glad to hear that in general things are good and improving. Glad your patience paid off. I am not worried about your patience to stick this through.

Thanks for the update


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
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I've very glad you returned to give us an update. Sounds like things are progressing slowly, but in a very positive way. Keep up the good work! Remember....patience!


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Hey, FY! Thanks for the update! I was thinking about you recently, wondering how things were going. Speaking about "longer than expected"... Same here... whichever direction it is going, it is definitely taking a long time, whether for MLCer to turn around... or for LBS to finally move on... I'm glad in your situation it is the former!

I hope you have a great time on your vacation and at the wedding! Take care!


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FY

Hope everything is progressing well in your world. Often wonder about your situation
And I hope it's going well. Let us know your news.

Best wishes


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M 14 years
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Working on it alone since Oct 2014
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Hi Roist, thanks for asking. And thank you job and bright for your support also! I hope everything is going well with all of you.

Things are going very well for us. Going through counseling for almost a year proved both stressful and helpful. Looking back, I don’t see how we could have gotten to where we are now without it after all we’ve been through. It was extremely helpful!

Michelle cites studies that say most couples sticking it out for 5 years after a crisis report being more happy. I’m so glad we both “stuck it out” through the tough times. Not that it was easy!

I learned a lot about myself through this and continue to do so. There are many things I continue to work on, to be both a better person and husband. And my wife gives me her best… she deserves me! Hahaha


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

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I am so happy that you returned w/an update.

Hang in there! You've come so far and the future is unfolding more and more each day.

You are an inspiration!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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FY,

Look what happens. I go away for a year and a half and here you are working your way back to a new and improved marriage! I am so happy to hear this. And YES she is worth it.

I'm glad that you found good counselors that have been of help to both of you. Sometimes I think it's harder now than it was while we were DBing. At least I've found that in my situation.

Keep on, keepin' on!


Me:57H:62
M:34T:35
2S,2D (grown nlah)
BD:09/2012 visits M ow
EA/PA?:10/2012
H moves out 06/2013

"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
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Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

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