I'm new here & struggling like most of you. My story is not exactly the same, but has many similarities as we all seem to be in a very similar proverbial boat. For those of you up a certain creek without a paddle... hang on and have faith! My heart truly goes out to you!
I'm new to a lot of the methods used here, but not to marriage strife. I'm struggling with my third husband, so my feeling of failure is greatly increased. There has been no unfaithfulness on either part, so I feel relief in that. My H has appeared mentally unstable for awhile now, but not sure if that is MLC or just damage from some drug usage in his life prior to our R or M. Anyway, he is living in our business and I am at home. He is a wonderful man with a kind and loving heart, very giving, and a lot of fun when things are going well. Basically, the man of my dreams! BUT- we have severe communication struggles that have led to so many other problems! All of the hurt and frustration this has caused is so incredibly painful in our M that it cripples us in almost every way. Maybe it's because we are from different cultures? H is from Puerto Rico & I'm a farm girl from the Midwest. H grew up in a family of 7 kids; me, an only child from a single mother. Relating to each other probably has much to do with starting our problems. The way we react to those problems has just about killed our M.
Before H left the last time, things really got ugly. We were picking fights with each other in the middle of the night when he got home and I decided in my infinite stubbornness to bring my cigarettes into our bedroom. (If he said one more word to me...I would light one!) Well, he did and I did. Then after he ripped up the cigarette I had just lit... I got the pack and lit another. Things turned physical quickly! He held me down and I retaliated by biting. (I HATE being held down...control issues?) Fast forward...now H needs to heal from abuse. He makes references to being able to someday not twitch when I move my hand. I can understand not wanting to walk on eggshells but feel like this is overboard. He really feels like he is traumatized and this is his 'reality'. I realize I can't reason with him right now, but I take great offence to his view due to 1st H beating the life out of me for 7 yrs. Been there, done that & feel like he has no idea.
I know I have not been the W I wanted to be, and take responsibility for my part in our M. Just still awestruck that H blames me for everything! I am trying to work on me and my issues, it just hurts as H wants to still try for our M, but doesn't see any issues from my shoes at all.
I do feel very blessed that we still love each other & want our M. That has to be a big positive in our favor! But, this is the last straw for him. Can't say I'm that far behind him emotionally.
This has got to be the longest Reader's Digest Version ever so I apologize, just not used to writing anymore.
Have a hopeful day & God bless!
Me:46 H:42 T:7 M:5 MD(H SD):24 MS(H SS):19 MS(H SS):13 Separated on & off most of '15 WAH last left 8/15 WAH changed locks & Bank account of joint business 8/15
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Me:46 H:42 T:7 M:5 MD(H SD):24 MS(H SS):19 MS(H SS):13 Separated on & off most of '15 WAH last left 8/15 WAH changed locks & Bank account of joint business 8/15
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I can relate with the difference in culture as I am a Latino male and my W is Caucasian. The difference in culture could both be great at times, but present problems on others.
I am really sorry that you are here with us, but this is a great place, and a lot of great advice.
Latinos are very family oriented, does he have family around? Does he speak to them often? Hot blooded as well, which is why I can see why it escalated to physical quickly (never excusable). I myself struggle with control issues and controlling my emotions. Something I am working on now.
Can you give us what are some of the things your H has been expressing to you that he is unhappy with? As if he was telling you.
God Bless
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
No, he doesn't have family around. They do speak on the phone though. We moved away to live at my family farm after I inherited from my mother. His main support now is a couple of pastors he is close with in our town.
"As if he was telling me" ROFL!!! He's Puerto Rican... of course he's told me, and told me, ect. So many to list... here goes a few. 1. I interpret everything wrong! His words, actions, intentions, everything *My 180- mirroring his statements so I don't 'get it wrong' and trying to distance emotionally. 2. I'm too critical of him. (This goes SO deep.) *My 180- Getting a PMA, stepping back and biting my tongue for now. Also, giving up all control (acceptance) which is a really tough one for me. 3. I hate 8 out of 10 people. (This one has disappeared, but was a big one.) *My 180- Having a PMA and learning to validate.
I am learning very quickly that when I don't agree with him to just keep my mouth shut, but I still have slips.
He does seem to be noticing changes, I think he's just hesitant to trust any permanence.
I do feel blessed as my situation could be so much worse off. I should probably work on having more patience. Adding that to the endless list now.
Any insights are appreciated.
Me:46 H:42 T:7 M:5 MD(H SD):24 MS(H SS):19 MS(H SS):13 Separated on & off most of '15 WAH last left 8/15 WAH changed locks & Bank account of joint business 8/15
The cheat sheet is where I got the idea. Read and copied for myself with so many good things on here while waiting on book to arrive.
You are absolutely correct in what you stated about don't try to FIX them. Maybe I'm trying too hard to fix myself for his concerns instead of just for me. I will definitely explore that.
Thanks again
Me:46 H:42 T:7 M:5 MD(H SD):24 MS(H SS):19 MS(H SS):13 Separated on & off most of '15 WAH last left 8/15 WAH changed locks & Bank account of joint business 8/15
Just re-read post & saw my mistake. Still in a fog at times, sorry! I see what you mean about not just STFU, but validating now. Thought about this after my last experience as well, but I failed in that & wound up engaging with my view instead. Too tired and became emotional. I had success with validating before that. My progress will have many hiccups I'm sure & I'm forgiving myself for those. It's a long, unwanted journey we all seem to be on, but we will arrive somewhere, someday!
Me:46 H:42 T:7 M:5 MD(H SD):24 MS(H SS):19 MS(H SS):13 Separated on & off most of '15 WAH last left 8/15 WAH changed locks & Bank account of joint business 8/15
You are doing great in working on validation (this is something I am working on right now); and STFU (This one has been hard from me, as I have a confrontational nature, and a need to be right). So keep it up.
I have been told that sometimes it is best to keep quiet when we don't agree with something, but if you find a nice response through validation, which shows that you understand him.
Definitely work on GAL, for me the talking even if its light and breezy, its hard because I think about how much I miss my W.
Keep writing your thoughts here, it is good for the soul.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
