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Irish M Offline OP
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here is my original post in Newcomers

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2600804#Post2600804

thought i'd move it here since MLC big time.

Today i go to mediation. Planning how we separate. I am sick to my stomach, nervous, hurting and just want this nightmare to end.

good thing, D/s are back in school and were looking forward to it. So glad they are strong. Both have decided W , their mom, is not welcome as she is now. Hopefully that changes with time. Either reconciliation with the family or W finds a good place in her heart and mind to give them the attention they need even if we are separated for good.. Right now she is unable to manage that.


I think i am more nervous about seeing her. She will look great i know it. She is on such a high now with the OM that her past life just needs to be over. i know its only been 2 months.. impossible for me to be ok and not miss her.. ache for her. she is my drug and i am in major detox today.

wanted to message her about the D's. the first mediation meeting. we decided joint custody. 50/50

since then she has abused them verbally, neglected them and offered them alcohol. Missed both their birthdays. So much damage in a short time.

So today i will change the custody request to sole custody to me.
this will for sure make her monster. Maybe i'll get lucky and she will just hand them over to me. She knows that D-15 and D-13 have a say in court of where they want to live. Right now i am giving them a normal life, stability and more Love than anyone can give them.

wish me luck


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
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Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.


I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2583553#Post2583553

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.


Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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WOW. Just got an email. W is going through some tough times

-Her dad is in his 4th chemo treatment.
-Her Mom is on antidepressants and sleeping pills due to the separation
-Major bills unpaid.
-Car repairs over 1400$
-Job is going very bad.
-Says she is so stressed


bad thing - she introduced the OM to her dad. that crushed me.

Guess she is on the road downhill, backwards with no brakes.


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,368
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Hi Irish. So very sorry for you and your girls. This crisis, if she is in one, is deeply hurtful.

First things first...take care of the financial part of this. I owe half of a $60,000 debt I knew nothing about. It is crucial that you stem the damn before it bursts.

Interesting that she sent you an email about all those things. They don't realize the destruction this all brings. Unfortunately, there isn't anything you can do to help her. Not to be callous, but, right now all that stuff is not your problem.

This is her journey and she needs to walk it alone. That is the best hope of her coming out the other side. Your job is to get out of the way of it and out of the way of her relationship with your d's. It is theirs to forge.

This is a tough road. Sometimes, like yours, they are in a frenzy to get out of the marriage...desperate to feel better. They don't know that the problem isn't the marriage, but rather that it is inside of them.

Keep looking after you and your daughters. They need you right now as their touchstone because she isn't capable.

Hang in there.

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Hi Irish -

Number one - protect yourself financially. You need to do this for your kids.

Second - very sad what your wife texted you. But resist the temptation to fix it. she may just be using this information to try to con you into being more generous in the divorce. Don't fall for it.

You can (and should) continue to put your efforts towards your kids. Be kind but aloof when she contacts you with this kind of information. You can validate ("Gee, I'm sorry to hear that, you must be feeling pretty stressed") but DO NOT offer to help her out financially.

As for what's going on with your wife - aspects of it sound like classic MLC. But the fact that this occurred at almost exactly the same age as MIL's breakdown - definitely makes one wonder about biological causes as well. Does MIL have any serious chronic medical problems? No family history of Huntington's disease? Did your wife start taking any prescription medications in the past year? Diet pills? Pain meds? Antidepressants? Other meds? Did she have weight loss surgery? Does she have any history of addiction in the past? Has she had any true manic behaviors (like staying up all night)? Has she had intermittent depressive episodes in the past?

Try to talk her out of spending a boatload fighting the divorce in court. She'll never get custody of the kids after her recent behavior, and there just isn't that much else to argue over. try to get this done fast before she loses her job though.

Stick to the high road, set a good example for your kids, focus on them. I know it's hard top watch her careening down the cliff, but you have no control over that. Focus on preserving your assets from her erratic behavior, and providing your kids with a safe loving home.

Ellie

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so i went to mediation. W showed up..looking less on a high than i thought.
usually when i see her its full make up, head high, better than everyone else attitude. Avoiding eye contact with me. New clothes.. real sexy.

today she was no make up, looked tired and sad, hair done up in a knot. tail between her legs..

she did have a huge tattoo on her forearm. NEVERMORE and the crow.
Edgar Allen Poe
also axes for ear rings.

She had a ring on her wedding finger but not the wedding ring i gave her since that one she left in the house.

I don't know if its an act to get pity her being so sad looking, but she didn't get it. Made me sit up straight, confident. I wore a new shirt and clean shaved.

W refused my offer on the house. Wants more money. said we need to sell it.
What she did agree on was custody of the D's. She gave it up just like that. Clearly still in her fog.

She asked my why the girls don't call her. I explained again calmly all that she did and said to them.
W said "all that didn't happen, but anyway you take the girls"

then the mediator told W that she would have to pay me child support. OUCH.. she monster'd right there. 288$ a month.

W said she cant afford to live. She's been out 1 month and hasn't paid one bill or any past bills for 3 months.


Her job just announced to her that they are putting her on a lower pay but higher commission. She is in sales. Her car is often at the office.. so in order to sell she needs to get out on the road. no commission for the past 2 months.

tonight she texted me that she can take a lower offer on the house if i still want to buy her out. I would have to agree to no child support for a year.
one more bill she doesn't have to pay. Why is it they can't pay bills.

next month with her salary cut in half.. she cant manage. She had to borrow money to pay rent for the month of September.

If i buy the house it can help her clear her debts.. all of them and she will blow the rest on her lifestyle.

if i sell the house.. it will take a few months due to my area and the economy. She will get in more debt that she can handle.

all joint accounts i have sole power over now since i am taking care and paying for the house.

everything else she has in her name alone.

should i let reality play for a little while longer. i'm sure the OM will help her . it will add stress to their perfect relationship.

Speaking of OM. i am so curious to see who it is. If i know my W . when she was younger she liked the messed up, tattoo covered, dope smoking, metal head bum.

Don't get me wrong. I use to be like that but i have grown up and still listen to iron maiden in the car.


I know .. who cares who he is.. move on with me.

she has now been text messaging me about a new deal. all about money to her.

i threw in some.
- Sorry that you are in that situation
- its tough i know.
- you chose this new life instead of working it out with your family
- i hope it gets better for you

am i missing something ,,. or this was a good day


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
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I don't think you're missing anything. For many of them, it's about getting away - doesn't matter what they are running from. "It's about me, me, enough about you what about me, me."

So it makes sense that she's feeling pressure to sell the house if she thinks that will help her. By agreeing to a lower payment later, it shows she's under a lot of pressure to pay for the lifestyle.

It's nothing to be happy about. You may have noticed. I'm sure it's no fun being around her with all of that going on in her head.

The MOST important thing is the kids. And if you can, to keep the house. Why? Because that's an important part of the kids lives. Can you imagine being kicked out of your house and having a mother that doesn't seem to want you? Double-whammy sucker punch in the throat! It's also important for you, believe it or not. smile

You might want to consider a counter offer of a lower buy-out and no money for child support although keeping child support might be helpful for keeping her connected to the kids. You likely won't collect it anyway given what you say about it. Everything else is just "things" so those can be used as negotiating pawns if you are still haggling over them.

If you re-frame the whole set of questions to focus on the girls, how does your next steps look? I ask it that way, because it doesn't seem like you need her to help parent (it would be nice, but is what it is.)

I've been right where you are to some degree. I chose the house and pushed for 50/50 split with the kids. Mine were a little younger though, so it may not apply in your case. I did that on purpose knowing the pain it would cause me over the years. My ex remarried a few months after the divorce and let's just say that she didn't affair up. I wasn't happy about him near the kids, but he wasn't dangerous to them so I let it ride. He is unstable but the kids were old enough to deal with some help.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Re-read your post in newcomers. I could have just about written your post - you are not alone in what you're going through. It gets better, but be sure to take care of yourself. You most likely cannot help her while she deals with whatever she is going through. She has to want help, and you can't force that.

Be kind though. Be quiet. And protect your kids and yourself. You'll be tested.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Check with your attorney about bargaining away the child support. The state might not LET you give away the child support (after all, they have an interest in seeing to it that those children are supported and don't end up on state aid.)

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I am so sorry you are going through this.

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