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#2603220 09/01/15 12:53 AM
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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2602937&page=1

***STARTING NEW THREAD***

I'm on today for a couple of reasons that I am looking for guidance on.

I miss my three boys more and more as time passes with every tick. We use to spend so much time together and had the best of times. Over the weekend, we went fishing and it's always nice to be together with them just seeing their beautiful faces.

*** QUESTION 1
I want to be closer to them so that we can play catch like we use to and do as much as we can together...do whatever wanted together.
I know they are hurting and I can see that me moving closer will make things easier for them since I will be more available to and for them.
If I move, the Jobs in my field will force me to travel and extra hour to an hour in half on top of my hour drive. Being that far out my travel back home would vary depending on traffic and weather. My point is to be around and available for the kids but it will that happen?
***

*** QUESTION 2
My wife now wants my Truck that is paid for. It's under both our names. Police says they can't stop her and we have to take this to Civil Court.
My name is on the Car she drives and she wanted the mini van...until now. She says it' my responsibility and to deal with it.

If she takes the car and I take it back, my kids will get even more confused and I will look like an a$$. I loose no matter what.

She is really acting nutty and blames me for her not sleeping well and her stress issues. I think she has lost all her marbles!

I don't know what to do, but I am so...........!

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So with her being so volatile, this doesn't seem like a situation where you want to make a major decision like moving, based on her whims. Isn't she living with her mother? That doesn't sound like a lasting situation.

You should have the kids with you more, at their home. She is the one who took the children and left. If that was not due to abuse, you should go after getting the time with them that is fair to you and them.

I believe I've asked this before, but never saw an answer - but why are you going along with her decisions on this? Is she holding something over your head?

Where do they go to school? Has she changed their address? If she has, you can go and tell the school it was not with your permission, and get it changed back.

Did you talk to an attorney? It sounds like you need to do that very quickly, if you haven't already.

And yes, she has lost her marbles for now. Don't expect her to be rational and logical, and don't get upset that she's not.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
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Good morning Painter. Thank You for your response.

Here are the answers to the questions:

I believe I've asked this before, but never saw an answer - but why are you going along with her decisions on this? Is she holding something over your head?

*** Nothing being held over my head. I was trying to keep things as normal for the kids as possible. Possibly hoping that she would come to her senses and return. That doesn't seem likely to happen. The distance seems to have made her more intent on staying with her decision to do split up. I'm certain that her mother in a nat in her ear saying that she leave me. Trust me I am not making things up about her mother when I say she is a man hating self righteous woman who has problems. My wife doesn't see it and thinks her mom is the greatest thing since Jesus. I could go on, but will stop about her mother. ***

Where do they go to school? Has she changed their address? If she has, you can go and tell the school it was not with your permission, and get it changed back.

***The kids go to school where their mother moved them to. I will ask my Attorney, but they already started school two weeks ago. Honestly, I was hoping that wife came back after a month, but it didn't happen. Of course my DB hasn't worked because it's taken me a while to actually stay true to no contact...it's hard with kids so I refuse to stay away from speaking to them and let them think I don't care about them.

***For now, I will do better and not speak to their mom, my wife about anything at all except the kids. ***

Did you talk to an attorney? It sounds like you need to do that very quickly, if you haven't already.

I have been working and waiting for a friend who is caught up in mid trial, so today I am going to see another about my situation. I know, but again was hoping that wife would change her mind and hasn't.


I know that I have made every mistake possible. It's not easy being all over the place scared, hurt, and confused. The most important people in my life are not here anymore (wife and kids). My wife only seems to care about her and getting away from me thinking only the worst of me and I have only been about family and the kids.

I want to Divorce Bust my situation so bad. I haven't done even a fair job...but poor job at it. I am going to have to do better. I have almost given up but will not because I love my kids too much to give up. Now my feeling about my wife have gone all over the board. Sometimes it's love, sometimes it's hate.

I tell myself that I can do better in terms of a wife or partner, but do I really want to go there. I know she and I can work at a new relationship but she is so far gone with the advice she is getting it is very disheartening.

All Hope I have is for the three boys right now. Issues like my boys, especially my youngest who is two, will live with another man if my wife hooks up with one. It drives me crazy!!!

Anyway, as you can see I have a lot to deal with and don't even know where to start and what to do.

Working toward Peace.

Any and All advice is welcomed.

Friendships are blessings.

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Originally Posted By: fdu
Now my feeling about my wife have gone all over the board. Sometimes it's love, sometimes it's hate.

Thats why we try not to act on feelings. Just because you feel something today doesnt mean it will be the same in an hour or a day or a month. Make your actions based on logic and your goals.

Originally Posted By: fdu
Working toward Peace.

NO!!
Work toward your goals.

Peace is good. But peace does not necessarily mean progress.

So what do you really WANT? Are the paths toward PEACE toward your GOALS the same? If they are, great....work toward peace.

If not, you may be headed the wrong way.

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Azzork,

Hi, Thanks for responding.

I will try to stay on an even platform with my emotions.

I'd have to think about Peace and Goals as one, but off the top of my head they are not.

I want my family back together as one. That is my end Goad. I have failed at making any progress if anything made things worse.

I keep slipping back and I don't know what wife wants, but seems like she wants me to fail.

She brought up that I am up and down and that she thinks I'm drinking cause what is done in Vegas stays in Vegas or if no one is around to see me do it then it didn't happen. Well I haven't drank since June 29th and I don't intend to. She wants me to fail and be a loser. She is trying to do everything she can to probably prove to me she can do it herself when in reality she is living with her mom and not doing it all herself.

She doesn't see my point of view nor cares I think.

Anyway, I need a plan of action. Your input to this is appreciated.

My end Goal is to be a family again.

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FDU
Everyone's end goal is is to be a family again we are all here hoping for the same outcome

What are some of your goals ?

How do you know she wants you to fail what makes you say this ?

Stay strong
Ghost


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
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I honestly think you'll impress your W a lot more if you fight for your children and put your foot down in a calm manner about her limiting your access, with the guidance of a L. I don't know any woman who likes a man who doesn't stand up for himself or for his family. (Call me old-fashioned, but I think it's true and key to a successful M.) Without being controlling or overbearing, though, so sometimes that requires watching your step.

The children have nothing to do with going dark or no contact, and I'm not sure how you can implement either of those techniques until you have a temporary custody agreement in place... which would be my first priority to get. I haven't seen anywhere in the books or on the board that it was suggested to cut out contact with the children? Legally, you should also try to show your great ability to co-parent with W, because that's a factor in how custody is decided, if this goes further. But co-parenting doesn't mean her getting her way in everything... I've seen lots of guys who seem to think that.

Also, DBing is not about no contact. It's about self-development, focusing on becoming a person that only a fool would leave, and about coming to a place where you accept that your spouse is their own person and you can't control what they do or don't do, you can only control your own actions and reactions. That package naturally includes not pursuing.

When you focus on being the very best you can be, living your own, fulfilled life (not looking to your partner to fulfill your needs), you become an attractive and interesting person, and *hopefully*, your partner will see that they left behind something valuable and ask to come back.

Practical steps for you to take right now? Your L appointment today should bring you some clarity, glad you decided not to wait for your friend!
I'd re-read the DB book and work on notes and goals.
I'd limit contact with W to child-related issues and other practicalities, and stop any unproductive verbal conversation in its tracks.

Good luck!


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 141
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Hey Ghost!

I pray earnestly for everyone to be reunited.

My Goals? I will post after I think and go back to the DR Book.

Her words to me about you act like your drinking and all over the place. She's judging I guess.

She also says weird stuff like, drive safe and don't text unless your right around the corner watching the house. Creepy words or statements like that. To me she is flipping out with statements or comments like that. I told her she must be watching too much TV.

She is acting that this is normal being apart and that she's fine. Makes me think to just move on. I don't know what to do. All I know is that my kids are my priority and if I meet someone down the road then so be it. I don't want that right now, but what should I do?

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It sounds to me like she is expressing her fears. If I were you, I would acknowledge her feelings and tell her you're not drinking. I'd be very brief, just a sentence. "I understand that you are worried that I am drinking, but I assure you I am not." I would think that the calmer you stay, the more convincing you will seem.

You don't have to do anything besides making sure your kids are taken care of and get time with you. Focus on yourself and what you can do to improve yourself. Let go of the situation with W, you can't control this or fix it through direct action.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,450
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One suggestion: Try meditation. It calms you down and clears your head. If you can meditate 10 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes in the evening, I think you could feel a lot calmer very quickly. There's lots of guided meditations on the internet, just listen to a few and pick one you like. It is amazing how quickly you can calm yourself through controlled breathing and guided imagery.

It also can help with the difficulty we all face more acutely than normal in this situation, which is living in uncertainty about the future. Staying in the moment is part of meditation, and it can help you learn how to allow a feeling to occur without following the urge to make a decision just not feel so uncertain and in limbo. It's a difficult place to be, but without patience and tolerance for it, we'd be making rash decisions or go back and forth like a rudderless boat.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
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